She Asked What I Wanted for my Birthday.

As Adelynne innocently reminded me today, my 34th birthday is in 19 days. I will be 34 this year. It's weird. I remember my mother having a 40th birthday for a friend when I was in highschool, and I remember thinking what an age-related hump that person just hit in their life. Was this old, I wondered? I answered yes to that question all those years ago but now 40 doesn't seem so old. I think all us 30 somethings would/could agree.

When I was asked what I wanted for my birthday I couldn't think of anything. I just smiled. I truly felt in that moment I had everything I had ever asked for. All things I ever desired where here with me now or in motion. I felt nothing but a deep reverberating gratitude and joy. I was so thankful I imagined spitting out those chips and salsa kissing the faces of my three favorite gals sitting at the table around me.

I AM GRATEFUL.

I imagine, last year, I asked for a baby. Last year alone we had 3 failed inseminations, I'm certain my wish for my 33rd birthday was for number four to work. And it did. I sat across from that miracle last night. I looked at her, her other Mother, and her sister and wondered what did I want this year? 

When I blow those candles out in nineteen short days, I'm going to wish for the ability to be more present in all the moments in my life. When I turn 40, I will have lived in Michigan as long as I had lived in TN. It will have been well over a decade since I decided to get sober, and I will have friends I have known for over 25 years (I mean... hopefully we are still putting up with each other's crap). That shit has gone by fast. All of it. I don't want to take it for granted. I wish to enjoy and soak up every moment of the rest of this life. Literal blood and tears have been shed for me to be here as I am. And I am the best I've ever been. There is still work, don't get me wrong, but I have never felt so whole with such a deep desire to connect with those closest to my heart. All I've ever wanted to be is a better person - a better friend, a better daughter, a better mother, a better employee, etc. While I still attest there is nothing wrong with striving to better myself, there is a time and place for it. To fully live in the moment I have to allow myself to be enough in that moment. We all do. 

With Grace & Gratitude...