"The miracle worker is asked to do two things: see forgiveness as our function, and relinquish all other goals we have invented for ourselves."
There are a few things I have to remember in order to do these two things. 1) That at any given moment, people are doing the very best they can with what they have and who they are; if I had their life I probably would be doing/acting/reacting just as they are. 2) Forgiveness frees me from the bonds of anger and resentment which are poisen that will slowely and literally eat away at my insides if left unattended and allowed to manifest physically in the form of some disease, more than likely cancer. Forgiveness is not for them or about them, it's about me. 3) If I'm focused on MY plans for me, it's unlikely I'm leaving room for God's, mine will always come first, and it will always be a little bit more of a struggle.
There seems to be a theme for each day lately, and todays had very little to do with the quote or my reflection on it, but I wanted to share none the less. Today's them seemed to be about being very clearly shown what is or is not best, and still being allowed free will. A very keen momentary insight of "Yes, this is a test. What are you going to do?" In the moment of a potential lesson, it's become very clear to me, this is what is going on here... make a choice.
The day started with a lesson of fear/anger. What was I going to let start my day? It was a choice, but it was not without God's help that I was able to achieve the choice I made. I chose to choose Love, I humbly asked God to help me feel it and to let go of the trivial aggravations that were testing my recently attained patience, and so it was. As I relfect on today, I'm in awe. Several situations were oppurtunities for me to grow in the areas of patience, trust, faith, gratitude, and honesty. Oppurtunities to be true to myself and my inner knowningness of what's best for me despite fears. The mere awareness that every moment was simply a chance for me to obtain some thing I had been asking God for, was a strong starting point in my acceptance of what was. I platform to open myself to really .... I'm tired right now, very tired. I'm done writing.
Love & Light
Dottie
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
Quiet Space
"What you see other's needing in their life is simply a reflection of what you need in your own."
It's so quiet right now. Such a sweet moment, seems it's been quite some time since I've been in this space. About a week or so I asked God to show me the truth.... I really had no idea the depth of what was coming.
It's so quiet right now. Such a sweet moment, seems it's been quite some time since I've been in this space. About a week or so I asked God to show me the truth.... I really had no idea the depth of what was coming.
The Beauty in Pain and the Gift of Expierence
"It's the whole, I've been there and I'm gonna try and help you learn from my mistakes, so it will be easier for you."
Let's be honest though, how many of us have learned from other people's mistakes? It's rare, and often it's not even a learning from other peoples' mistakes, it's a fear driven attempt to go to the total opposite end of the spectrum which is just as destructive.
Yes, it can be heartbreaking to watch someone we love dearly take a path similar to one you have chosen that resulted in pain, destruction, or heartbreak. Paths you wish you could have done differently or paths you believe is an absolute miracle, and your lucky to have survived it.... what if your loved one is not? It's not easy watching that. Yet it's important to remind ourselves that when we were in that situation, we weren't hearing shit either, lol. We wanted everyone to stop worrying because the only thing they were doing was getting themselves all worked up. Now if the tables are turned, how much our we getting ourselve worked up? People say things so loosely sometimes. We really have no idea how spot on some of your little sayings are... like "She's gonna be the death of me" "I'm worrying myself sick." Sometimes all you need is someone listening to reflect back to you what you just said, because you were to busy saying it to hear it. "I know I'm doing this to myself." I've spent the greater part of the last 24 hours being on both ends of this scenario.... the one who is getting frustrated because they know what the other person needs to do transced the current issue, the one who is arrogant and blind to learning from someone elese's mistakes, and lastly the person on the outside without an emotional tie to either side.
Going back to learning fron other's mistakes. Hindsight is always 20/20, and if it isn't it's because we've not removed the shades of denial. Trying to make someone see that we've been there and they are going there, and we really are afraid it's going to end up just like our situation did or worse, or maybe not even like it just bad in general is exahusting on all parties. We learn from our own mistakes, period. And how selfish of us to deny someone a learning expierence? And what about pain being the biggest motivator? It is. We when have enough pain we'll change. Until then, what's the point? That's human nature. SOMETIMES we can muster up the motivation to act when we see something becoming a potential problem, but how willing are we then to go really delve deep and go through pain when we aren't expierencing pain already? How willing are we at that point to look at things we really don't want to look at or do things we really don't want to do? If where we are at isn't so bad? As humans, we avoid pain and seek pleasure. Painful expeirences are beatuiful. We love stories of people who have went through hell and back only to come out a better person and exceed other people's expectations. To come from nothing and have everything. To overcome obstacles, to overcome pain, to keep pushing forward. We admire those people. They make for great movies, great heroes, and great mentors. Don't we want more of those people in our world? Strong, courageous people that have what it takes to make changes? "It's the whole, I've been there and I'm gonna try and help you learn from my mistakes, so it will be easier for you" is like saying, I don't care what The Universe thinks will help you grow the most, I think you're too weak to handle it. I was strong enough, but barely; so let's just save yourself the trouble." We all know cheating on a test doesn't really serve you. Just having somone give you the answers is not going to provide for you the knowledge you are going to need later on. Life is a test, "saving someone the trouble" is not saving them at all. It's robbing them of life expeirence, of lessons, of Love, and knowledge they can use later on. Lessons repeat themselves until we learn them, let people learn. Personally, I don't like doing shit over and over, I'd rather get it right within the first couple shots.
Your fear of them getting hurt, loosing everything, or even dying... is exactly and only that, your fear. It's not theirs. And our fears are based on our expierences. We don't really KNOW anything, about anyone else. We know how we PERCEIVE them or their life or their experiences, based on our own... but that's about it. So even if you "know" thier happiness isn't going to last long, let them have it. They are happy now. Your so worried about them being unhappy, yet... you are desperately trying to make them unhappier NOW instead of a year from now. Why are you trying to bring them pain sooner? And rob them of that year of utter happiness? Or how about the loved one you are watching kill themselves with drugs and alcohol. You KNOW they are hurting, and yeah... they probably are. But what can you do? Attempting to impose control or "fix" their life will only create anger, frustration, and resentment. They have to learn, and they aren't going to learn from your mistakes. It's about letting go and knowing each of us have our own path, and if our advice or guidance we give to other's begins to breed anything but love, we've gone to far.
The lesson here is this: The next time any of us find ourselves hurting or angry about how someone else is living their life we need to take a breathe and ask ourselves, what are we really angry about. Often it's ourselves. What is it about this situation that really angers me? However, pretty we try and make our reasons for pushing our advice and opinions on peoples lives ... "BECAUSE I LOVE YOU! BECAUSE I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE! BECAUSE I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU! BECAUSE I DON'T WANT YOU TO HURT! BECAUSE IT"S MY BROTHER/SISTER. BECAUSE IT"S MY RESPONSIBILITY." It's still alll about me, myself, and *I* there's six I's in there if you didn't notice. It's always about us, never about them. Usually it's anger because we only wish we could go back and decide differently, or because we haven't dealt with our own pain, whatever the case... instead of continuing to look at them and pick their lives, pasts, and personalities apart, we need to look at our own.
Expierence is a gift. There is a beauty in pain, if we so choose to see it, if we so choose to seek it out. My last painful expeirence brought about lots of tears, lots of journaling, meditating, and a little bit of over-eating. I chastized myself for not being "over it" already. HOWEVER, within that pain I was given humility, grace, rest, insight, patience, and Love. It's amazing how much people want to show you they love you when you're hurting.
So, how do we let people live a life we don't see as being right or best? We take a breathe and recognize that expierence is a gift, and what we are feeling isn't about them it's about us. We need to take a moment and ask ourselves who am I to deny this gift of expierence to them? and what part of me is calling out for healing right now?
Love & Light
Dottie
Let's be honest though, how many of us have learned from other people's mistakes? It's rare, and often it's not even a learning from other peoples' mistakes, it's a fear driven attempt to go to the total opposite end of the spectrum which is just as destructive.
Yes, it can be heartbreaking to watch someone we love dearly take a path similar to one you have chosen that resulted in pain, destruction, or heartbreak. Paths you wish you could have done differently or paths you believe is an absolute miracle, and your lucky to have survived it.... what if your loved one is not? It's not easy watching that. Yet it's important to remind ourselves that when we were in that situation, we weren't hearing shit either, lol. We wanted everyone to stop worrying because the only thing they were doing was getting themselves all worked up. Now if the tables are turned, how much our we getting ourselve worked up? People say things so loosely sometimes. We really have no idea how spot on some of your little sayings are... like "She's gonna be the death of me" "I'm worrying myself sick." Sometimes all you need is someone listening to reflect back to you what you just said, because you were to busy saying it to hear it. "I know I'm doing this to myself." I've spent the greater part of the last 24 hours being on both ends of this scenario.... the one who is getting frustrated because they know what the other person needs to do transced the current issue, the one who is arrogant and blind to learning from someone elese's mistakes, and lastly the person on the outside without an emotional tie to either side.
Going back to learning fron other's mistakes. Hindsight is always 20/20, and if it isn't it's because we've not removed the shades of denial. Trying to make someone see that we've been there and they are going there, and we really are afraid it's going to end up just like our situation did or worse, or maybe not even like it just bad in general is exahusting on all parties. We learn from our own mistakes, period. And how selfish of us to deny someone a learning expierence? And what about pain being the biggest motivator? It is. We when have enough pain we'll change. Until then, what's the point? That's human nature. SOMETIMES we can muster up the motivation to act when we see something becoming a potential problem, but how willing are we then to go really delve deep and go through pain when we aren't expierencing pain already? How willing are we at that point to look at things we really don't want to look at or do things we really don't want to do? If where we are at isn't so bad? As humans, we avoid pain and seek pleasure. Painful expeirences are beatuiful. We love stories of people who have went through hell and back only to come out a better person and exceed other people's expectations. To come from nothing and have everything. To overcome obstacles, to overcome pain, to keep pushing forward. We admire those people. They make for great movies, great heroes, and great mentors. Don't we want more of those people in our world? Strong, courageous people that have what it takes to make changes? "It's the whole, I've been there and I'm gonna try and help you learn from my mistakes, so it will be easier for you" is like saying, I don't care what The Universe thinks will help you grow the most, I think you're too weak to handle it. I was strong enough, but barely; so let's just save yourself the trouble." We all know cheating on a test doesn't really serve you. Just having somone give you the answers is not going to provide for you the knowledge you are going to need later on. Life is a test, "saving someone the trouble" is not saving them at all. It's robbing them of life expeirence, of lessons, of Love, and knowledge they can use later on. Lessons repeat themselves until we learn them, let people learn. Personally, I don't like doing shit over and over, I'd rather get it right within the first couple shots.
Your fear of them getting hurt, loosing everything, or even dying... is exactly and only that, your fear. It's not theirs. And our fears are based on our expierences. We don't really KNOW anything, about anyone else. We know how we PERCEIVE them or their life or their experiences, based on our own... but that's about it. So even if you "know" thier happiness isn't going to last long, let them have it. They are happy now. Your so worried about them being unhappy, yet... you are desperately trying to make them unhappier NOW instead of a year from now. Why are you trying to bring them pain sooner? And rob them of that year of utter happiness? Or how about the loved one you are watching kill themselves with drugs and alcohol. You KNOW they are hurting, and yeah... they probably are. But what can you do? Attempting to impose control or "fix" their life will only create anger, frustration, and resentment. They have to learn, and they aren't going to learn from your mistakes. It's about letting go and knowing each of us have our own path, and if our advice or guidance we give to other's begins to breed anything but love, we've gone to far.
The lesson here is this: The next time any of us find ourselves hurting or angry about how someone else is living their life we need to take a breathe and ask ourselves, what are we really angry about. Often it's ourselves. What is it about this situation that really angers me? However, pretty we try and make our reasons for pushing our advice and opinions on peoples lives ... "BECAUSE I LOVE YOU! BECAUSE I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE! BECAUSE I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU! BECAUSE I DON'T WANT YOU TO HURT! BECAUSE IT"S MY BROTHER/SISTER. BECAUSE IT"S MY RESPONSIBILITY." It's still alll about me, myself, and *I* there's six I's in there if you didn't notice. It's always about us, never about them. Usually it's anger because we only wish we could go back and decide differently, or because we haven't dealt with our own pain, whatever the case... instead of continuing to look at them and pick their lives, pasts, and personalities apart, we need to look at our own.
Expierence is a gift. There is a beauty in pain, if we so choose to see it, if we so choose to seek it out. My last painful expeirence brought about lots of tears, lots of journaling, meditating, and a little bit of over-eating. I chastized myself for not being "over it" already. HOWEVER, within that pain I was given humility, grace, rest, insight, patience, and Love. It's amazing how much people want to show you they love you when you're hurting.
So, how do we let people live a life we don't see as being right or best? We take a breathe and recognize that expierence is a gift, and what we are feeling isn't about them it's about us. We need to take a moment and ask ourselves who am I to deny this gift of expierence to them? and what part of me is calling out for healing right now?
Love & Light
Dottie
Nice Job Addict
Wow. The desire to smoke hit me as I was about to sit down. It's been so long since I've felt that desire I almost forgot what it was like.
So, here I am. The urge to write is strong, but the subject matter seems to be elusive. I feel a larger sense of what I write here being "better" than it used to be. Why? Because discovering I have two new followers that I don't even know caught me off gaurd and allowed my ego to get stroked for a moment. I've allowed myself to enjoy doing nothing for a few hours today, a very short few hours, I begin to get restless. Sitting here breads anger, like I'm not writing what I'm suppose to write. Something needs to be said and I'm not saying it. So why don't we start with what I'm looking at right now... literally & figuratively:
There is an empty plate with only smears of what's left of my chocolate cherry cake sitting under my computer monitor. Everytime I look at it I think, FUCK. There's a whole bunch of calories for nothing, only to let me crash later. Nice job addict. Along with the brownie, Totino's pizza, and ritz crackers and cheese.. wtf. I'm terrified of getting on the scale. I've done nothing but eat everything I could get my hands on for about a week. Except last night. A ray of hope shined. I left work after a 15 hour shift taking care of patients on a floor where over 60percent of them either had the flu or exhibited flu-like symptoms. I was wanting to baby myself becaue I had been up since 6:30 (and i'm NOT a morning person) dealt with a ton of sneezing, coughing, comfused patients, new staff, whiney staff, my coworker calling in and the day shift nurse staying over and leaving early and blah blah blah..... oh and I had one patient die before the day was through. Alright, enough of me whining. The end of the day I felt good, acoomplished, the ache in my feet brought nothing but gratitude the day was done. Somewhere along the drive home I thought McDonald's meal would be the perfect way to nurture mysef, then I realized that it wasn't the mcdonalds I wanted, but just to nurture myself, and I could do that with a shower once I got home, and so that's how it was. Thank God.
So, here I am. The urge to write is strong, but the subject matter seems to be elusive. I feel a larger sense of what I write here being "better" than it used to be. Why? Because discovering I have two new followers that I don't even know caught me off gaurd and allowed my ego to get stroked for a moment. I've allowed myself to enjoy doing nothing for a few hours today, a very short few hours, I begin to get restless. Sitting here breads anger, like I'm not writing what I'm suppose to write. Something needs to be said and I'm not saying it. So why don't we start with what I'm looking at right now... literally & figuratively:
There is an empty plate with only smears of what's left of my chocolate cherry cake sitting under my computer monitor. Everytime I look at it I think, FUCK. There's a whole bunch of calories for nothing, only to let me crash later. Nice job addict. Along with the brownie, Totino's pizza, and ritz crackers and cheese.. wtf. I'm terrified of getting on the scale. I've done nothing but eat everything I could get my hands on for about a week. Except last night. A ray of hope shined. I left work after a 15 hour shift taking care of patients on a floor where over 60percent of them either had the flu or exhibited flu-like symptoms. I was wanting to baby myself becaue I had been up since 6:30 (and i'm NOT a morning person) dealt with a ton of sneezing, coughing, comfused patients, new staff, whiney staff, my coworker calling in and the day shift nurse staying over and leaving early and blah blah blah..... oh and I had one patient die before the day was through. Alright, enough of me whining. The end of the day I felt good, acoomplished, the ache in my feet brought nothing but gratitude the day was done. Somewhere along the drive home I thought McDonald's meal would be the perfect way to nurture mysef, then I realized that it wasn't the mcdonalds I wanted, but just to nurture myself, and I could do that with a shower once I got home, and so that's how it was. Thank God.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Is There Anything Left?
I finished my presentation and immediately went into "I've been this, I've been that..." Thoughts of blogging about my realizations where I have been selfish, unkind, arrogant, angry, etc. Without a moment of good job Dottie, well done. It's been a hectic last 5 days, but you're almost done and your doing great. No, there was none of that. Tears filled my eyes, I was ready to put on some music that vibrated my soul, and blog until my little hearts content, allowing any pain to gently surface until everything STOPPED. I realized, I am punishing myself. When am I going to stop punishing myself? I've been asked that questions a few times the last couple weeks. I can be free. Right now. How do I feel? Angsty. Dumbfounded. Like oh, well... It's like you've been waiting in line for over an hour preparing yourself for humility, for the worst, then someone tapping you on the shoulder and saying, let's go, it was a mistake, I've taken care of it.... you don't have to go. You don't jump up with excitement, you're like what? Relly? What happened, but I... Your confused, unsure. Questioning do you deserve this? Is this real? Is this going to come back and bite you in the ass later?
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Two Steps Closer to Surrender
Slowly. I'm learning to feel again. I cried today. Hysterical, growth filled crying. It's been a few weeks. How do I feel right now? Reconnected. Grateful. Humble. Tired. I relapsed. Today I would have celebrated 3 years. How long and I'm I going to remind myself, berate myself? In learning to love myself I decided if I wouldn't do/say it to my best friend or my brother why would I say it to myself? Forgiveness. I've been reminding myself everyday, multiple times a day for a week that I wasn't going to have 3 years today. I've tried justifying it, putting pretty wrapping on it. When the reality is this is my second go around, and I'll have 6 months in a week. It's okay. I don't have to be angry at myself anymore. How long am I going to beat myself up? Right now. I'm done. It's okay. Let's keep it moving ;).
I was angry at myself, and blaming God. I never thought I could be angry at God. I left AA in November 2009 because I felt in my heart and gut that was what was best for me then, I still believe that. I know in my heart there was a reason. There are never any mistakes in God's world. In a moment of quiteness in the midst of my sobbing I asked God why he let me drink again, and I heard "Because it was time for you to come back." Never do we really know why God allowed something to happen, or made something happen. Often times we can come up with a handful of reasons, but what are we doing really? We are just making ourselves feel better. Acceptance. Without rhyme or reason. Holding onto that faith that we don't really have a clue why something happened, but it did, it was suppose to, and good will come from it. Good always comes. I can tell you a million reasons why I think it happened, and several of them just may be true. But guess what I learned this week? I'm not God. I don't know everything, and I can control very little. I asked God to show me the truth on my way to yoga. What was it I needed to feel to find freedom? What was it I needed to face to not be angry anymore. Within two hours I was crying, feeling, cussing, and knowing all the while this was exactly what I had asked for... such a sweet release. I'd love to be able to do that like once a day, lol. Now, to fully reliquinish my incessant desire to control everyone and everything, but for now...
I'm grateful. Thank you God.
Dottie
I was angry at myself, and blaming God. I never thought I could be angry at God. I left AA in November 2009 because I felt in my heart and gut that was what was best for me then, I still believe that. I know in my heart there was a reason. There are never any mistakes in God's world. In a moment of quiteness in the midst of my sobbing I asked God why he let me drink again, and I heard "Because it was time for you to come back." Never do we really know why God allowed something to happen, or made something happen. Often times we can come up with a handful of reasons, but what are we doing really? We are just making ourselves feel better. Acceptance. Without rhyme or reason. Holding onto that faith that we don't really have a clue why something happened, but it did, it was suppose to, and good will come from it. Good always comes. I can tell you a million reasons why I think it happened, and several of them just may be true. But guess what I learned this week? I'm not God. I don't know everything, and I can control very little. I asked God to show me the truth on my way to yoga. What was it I needed to feel to find freedom? What was it I needed to face to not be angry anymore. Within two hours I was crying, feeling, cussing, and knowing all the while this was exactly what I had asked for... such a sweet release. I'd love to be able to do that like once a day, lol. Now, to fully reliquinish my incessant desire to control everyone and everything, but for now...
I'm grateful. Thank you God.
Dottie
Thursday, March 10, 2011
A Step Closer to Surrender
"You're not too tired, you haven't given it up yet. You're still fighting."
Somewhere along the line here, I've placed my God in my box of things I can use to help me create my life the way I think it should go, the way I want it to go. Logically knowing God has all power, I do not, and I need him. But apparently I don't trust him, and treat God as if he is just some tool I could use if I needed him. Just hanging out in my little tool box. That's not where I want him to be. If I trusted him I wouldn't be asking repeatedly and looking for signs to assure me that he's carried out MY will. Nor would I get angry because he hasn't carried out my will .As I was walking out of Denny's the other day I had a thought of going to a meeting which had been very repetitive lately so I asked Spirit, why do I need to go to meetings, and I heard "To remind you that you are not God." WOW. I then thought of the book I bought before I went into rehab called, "The Last Addiction" The last addiction is letting go of the notion we can do it ourselves, and that's exacty what I've been doing. God has always used my ego to take me where I needed to go because he knew that I would respond so much quicker. I went into nursing because a teacher told me I wouldn't be able to do it anyway, not because I felt it was my calling. I went into rehab because I wanted the attention, not because I really thought I needed it. There are only so many times I'm going to be able to talk myself out of a drink, out of picking up that knife, binging and purging that food, or indulging in unhealthy relationships.
"Lord..... Protect me from the impetuous desires of my nature- to eat and drink to much,to offer grandiose promises,to be careless with my resources: money, time, and energy, emotional, physical, spiritual. Take away my fear of what is real. Teach me to recognize your greatest gift to me, the wholeness of myself, hold me in your light, so that I can see myself as you see me. Amen"
Someone posted that on the wall of The Mid about a month ago and those words have floated around in my head ever since. I was just going to type that I wanted to rephrase it. As if that just doesn't quite fit me. How dare I just accept something as is? Control much? Hmph. Yeah, I do. I try to anyways, and you see how that's working out for me. I'm frustrated and exahusted. I watch my time and energy wasted on things that haven't happened and probably won't happen. Rarely, if ever do I live in the moment. Nor do I live in the past or present. I often live in some other place, Dottie's world apparently. Where I always say the things I wanted to say, things happening just the way I want, and I pick apart a million possible ways something MIGHT happen along with a mental list of how I would react just incase, and fears. Let's not forget the fears, I get to expeirence fear of things that haven't happened and most likely will not all while being terrified of re-living the fears I have actually expierienced.
So what am I going to do? Well, actively putting a plan together to rid myself of this place which I am right now, which is exactly where I'm suppose to be or God wouldn't have me here, would be once again feeding my insatiable desire to control my life. I've been asking God "What else do you want me to do." Then I'm usually crying to hard to hear him, then I get pissed because one he hasn't answered me and two I wanted it yesterday, so he's already behind schedule. It's okay, you can laugh it is funny, sad, but funny. It's time I get out of my head, and into my heart. They say, and I believe this, that God is within each of us, God is Love, and Love comes from our heart center. Well, since I discovered some time ago that you cannot control your emtions I opted not to feel any, at all. I shut it all down. I jumped RIGHT the fuck out of my heart, because thoughts I can control, emotions I cannot. It is no surprise that anger had become my dominant emotion and God is in a box alon with a hundred other "tools" I can use if I feel like I need them, not the all powerful, all loving Creator that I have absolutely zero control over.
So again, what am I going to do? Obviously that was everything I'm not going to do. I'm going to pay close attention to how I feel about everything. I'm going to do, not think. I'm going to sit in my meditation and just feel whatever it is I feel. My morning prayers will consist of "God, what do you want me to do today" and silence. I'm going to gently remind myelf it's okay to not know everything, and that it has been only by God's grace I've not climbed back into that bottle wrapped with beautiful, invisible bows of self-destruction and self-sabotoging.
Thank you God.
Dottie
Somewhere along the line here, I've placed my God in my box of things I can use to help me create my life the way I think it should go, the way I want it to go. Logically knowing God has all power, I do not, and I need him. But apparently I don't trust him, and treat God as if he is just some tool I could use if I needed him. Just hanging out in my little tool box. That's not where I want him to be. If I trusted him I wouldn't be asking repeatedly and looking for signs to assure me that he's carried out MY will. Nor would I get angry because he hasn't carried out my will .As I was walking out of Denny's the other day I had a thought of going to a meeting which had been very repetitive lately so I asked Spirit, why do I need to go to meetings, and I heard "To remind you that you are not God." WOW. I then thought of the book I bought before I went into rehab called, "The Last Addiction" The last addiction is letting go of the notion we can do it ourselves, and that's exacty what I've been doing. God has always used my ego to take me where I needed to go because he knew that I would respond so much quicker. I went into nursing because a teacher told me I wouldn't be able to do it anyway, not because I felt it was my calling. I went into rehab because I wanted the attention, not because I really thought I needed it. There are only so many times I'm going to be able to talk myself out of a drink, out of picking up that knife, binging and purging that food, or indulging in unhealthy relationships.
"Lord..... Protect me from the impetuous desires of my nature- to eat and drink to much,to offer grandiose promises,to be careless with my resources: money, time, and energy, emotional, physical, spiritual. Take away my fear of what is real. Teach me to recognize your greatest gift to me, the wholeness of myself, hold me in your light, so that I can see myself as you see me. Amen"
Someone posted that on the wall of The Mid about a month ago and those words have floated around in my head ever since. I was just going to type that I wanted to rephrase it. As if that just doesn't quite fit me. How dare I just accept something as is? Control much? Hmph. Yeah, I do. I try to anyways, and you see how that's working out for me. I'm frustrated and exahusted. I watch my time and energy wasted on things that haven't happened and probably won't happen. Rarely, if ever do I live in the moment. Nor do I live in the past or present. I often live in some other place, Dottie's world apparently. Where I always say the things I wanted to say, things happening just the way I want, and I pick apart a million possible ways something MIGHT happen along with a mental list of how I would react just incase, and fears. Let's not forget the fears, I get to expeirence fear of things that haven't happened and most likely will not all while being terrified of re-living the fears I have actually expierienced.
So what am I going to do? Well, actively putting a plan together to rid myself of this place which I am right now, which is exactly where I'm suppose to be or God wouldn't have me here, would be once again feeding my insatiable desire to control my life. I've been asking God "What else do you want me to do." Then I'm usually crying to hard to hear him, then I get pissed because one he hasn't answered me and two I wanted it yesterday, so he's already behind schedule. It's okay, you can laugh it is funny, sad, but funny. It's time I get out of my head, and into my heart. They say, and I believe this, that God is within each of us, God is Love, and Love comes from our heart center. Well, since I discovered some time ago that you cannot control your emtions I opted not to feel any, at all. I shut it all down. I jumped RIGHT the fuck out of my heart, because thoughts I can control, emotions I cannot. It is no surprise that anger had become my dominant emotion and God is in a box alon with a hundred other "tools" I can use if I feel like I need them, not the all powerful, all loving Creator that I have absolutely zero control over.
So again, what am I going to do? Obviously that was everything I'm not going to do. I'm going to pay close attention to how I feel about everything. I'm going to do, not think. I'm going to sit in my meditation and just feel whatever it is I feel. My morning prayers will consist of "God, what do you want me to do today" and silence. I'm going to gently remind myelf it's okay to not know everything, and that it has been only by God's grace I've not climbed back into that bottle wrapped with beautiful, invisible bows of self-destruction and self-sabotoging.
Thank you God.
Dottie
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Somewhere, There Is Balance
"Your not too tired, because you haven't given up, you're still fighting."
I heard that today as I climbed that precor machine with anger, passion, an almost psychotic purpose of... letting go. Angry because I was angry, angry because I didn't know what ot do to NOT feel angry, angry because I didn't have all the answers, angry because I was so angry I couldn't hear myself think. I had 15 minutes, and I was going to make it as painful as possible. I woke up angry, and all I wanted to do was sweat, breathe, and burn... burn whatever it was that was boiling up inside of me. I haven't been able to put the fire out, so I was willing to feed it so it would burn itself out. Is that surrender?
I sat in a circle last night amongst people who conciously choose everyday to connect with something greater than themselves, to understand themselves more. I sat with tears in my eyes and said over and over, "I'm so tired." Tired of working so hard at being a better person everyday. Tired of having to hold it all together. All signs point to letting go and letting God. To release my will, and my tendencies to predict and "have to know" the outcome. I'm resisting. I"m fighting. I'm tired. I've spent my whole life fighting. More times than I can count I've said "I'm a fighter" and I am. But where is the balance?
Where is the balance?
I heard that today as I climbed that precor machine with anger, passion, an almost psychotic purpose of... letting go. Angry because I was angry, angry because I didn't know what ot do to NOT feel angry, angry because I didn't have all the answers, angry because I was so angry I couldn't hear myself think. I had 15 minutes, and I was going to make it as painful as possible. I woke up angry, and all I wanted to do was sweat, breathe, and burn... burn whatever it was that was boiling up inside of me. I haven't been able to put the fire out, so I was willing to feed it so it would burn itself out. Is that surrender?
I sat in a circle last night amongst people who conciously choose everyday to connect with something greater than themselves, to understand themselves more. I sat with tears in my eyes and said over and over, "I'm so tired." Tired of working so hard at being a better person everyday. Tired of having to hold it all together. All signs point to letting go and letting God. To release my will, and my tendencies to predict and "have to know" the outcome. I'm resisting. I"m fighting. I'm tired. I've spent my whole life fighting. More times than I can count I've said "I'm a fighter" and I am. But where is the balance?
Where is the balance?
What I Really Want to Say
"What is it Dottie, what is it that you really want to say?"
"I don't care."
That's what I want to say. I don't care about your problems. IT is NOT my job to fix them, and I couldn't if I tried. I don't care about your story. I don't care what happened five years ago. I don't care to hear about you walling in self-pity. I don't care to hear the same old fucking story, over and over and over again like a broken record. I don't care to hear your opinions about MY problems, you weren't really listening anyways. You were just waiting on your turn to talk. I don't care to hear your useless conversation which usually entails bitching about something, just to break the silence. I'll keep my silence thank you. There are SO many people I really just want to look at and say exactly that..."I DON"T CARE" because it's time I speak my truth, and many times I just don't care.
I'm tired. Tired of nothing being heard. Tired of not being respected. Tired of doing things I don't want to do.
"I don't care."
That's what I want to say. I don't care about your problems. IT is NOT my job to fix them, and I couldn't if I tried. I don't care about your story. I don't care what happened five years ago. I don't care to hear about you walling in self-pity. I don't care to hear the same old fucking story, over and over and over again like a broken record. I don't care to hear your opinions about MY problems, you weren't really listening anyways. You were just waiting on your turn to talk. I don't care to hear your useless conversation which usually entails bitching about something, just to break the silence. I'll keep my silence thank you. There are SO many people I really just want to look at and say exactly that..."I DON"T CARE" because it's time I speak my truth, and many times I just don't care.
I'm tired. Tired of nothing being heard. Tired of not being respected. Tired of doing things I don't want to do.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Balance, Patience, Assertiveness, and Learning To Feel Again
Well, I'm not wanting to sleep apparently. I've not slept will this week. But when I asked myself what it is I'd rather be doing... I couldn't think of anything. So here I am. I've thought alot about being heard, respect, being assertive. So often I act like what I say doesn't matter, it does. It really does. I thought of Dee and how he just does not listen to me, he could care less what I have to say. So why would I waste my time talking ot him? We all deserve to be heard. As far as being assertive, there are people in my life that I feel I could do without, for instance Cathy. I have no desire for her to be in my life. And right now, I can't think of anyone else, no one that tries contacting me on the regular. Assertive is defined as confident aggression. There is a twinge of fear because I know there are some assertive lessons coming... right now the themes are balance with control, assertiveness, and patience. That's a hell of a combo if you ask me... that and learning to feel again. Opening up my heart and throat chakras.
I've thought of Scott. Amazed how how differently I've handled things as opposed to how I used to. It was shown to me that the cycle of being with someone that didn't want a relationship was over... Scott doesn't want a relationship therefore we aren't in one. It's not this half-ass shit like with Dee. It's over. For now anyways. But I found gratitude in that, that I wasn't caught up in another situation where I wanted more, he didn't, but gave me just enough to allow feelings to grow inside of me. I thought of calling/txting him several times today, but I kept reminding myself... if he wanted to talk to me, he'd contact me. He's a big boy. I'm worthy of being pursued, of being missed, of being thougth about and desired for. I'm worth all of that and more. Right now I'm keeping it to myself, lovign myself, and acknowledging my own beauty and power. Right now there's not a man in my life that is close enough or deserving enough for me to throw myself at them and flaunt my positive characteristics to try and reel them in, ha. And to keep myself honest, not a man that wants me too. lol Well there are a couple but not one's that I want to be with. They aren't waht I want. There is a strength that has manifested itself within me, and I"m liking it. I don't know if I'd be happy with him. There's a lot I don't know actually. A lot I will never know. Exaushting myself to find out all the answers is a waste of my time and energy, yet I've spent my whole life trying to figure everything out. I've had to be reminded who God is and who I am, because I've been trying to get God to carry out MY will... you can laugh, it's funny. It's all funny. Settling into quietness allows me to see my life like a movie, I'm an observer instead of the director.
I breathe. Breathing into my heart/throat chakras. I've spent lots of time in meditation lately exploring some issues. Seems my being ignored hatred comes from my mother. When I look into the world all I see is pain. I try to take it all on and get rid of it, but I can't. I'm angry at Mandy for the same reason I'm angry at my mohter, I took on their pain because I coudln't get rid of THEIR pain, but I could get rid of my own pain... so I made it mine, and I've carried it for some time. I'm done carrying other people's pain. I don't need to. I don't have to be afraid to feel because there is more than just pain in the world. There is love, either way... I don't have to take on either one, I can simply observe. Come out of my head, that's what Billie told me, that's what my card told me today... come out of my head and allow my heart to make some of the decisions. I can do that. There are things I need. There are people I need. Although I don't like to admit it there are "You act like you don't need me cause your afraid of being needy, you want your cake and eat it too I call that being greedy" - I love that line. It's from the Alone Again Remix. My Uncle, I need him. I like to think I need no one, nothing. That I alone can soley create a magnificent life for myself. The truth is, no I don't know for sure where I'd be without my Uncle, but something tells me I wouldn't be here. I like to think that I'm exactly were I'm suppose to be and with or without my Uncle I'd be here. But i'm nto so sure these days. He's here because I need him. I need people. I can't take life on alone.... THAT is the last addiction. Or so says the lady who wrote the book.
I've had several overwhelming desires to hit several meetings lately, and when I asked myself why I heard "Because I need to be reminded that I'm not God." I don't ahve to avoid everything I don't entirely agree with, I can learn to be assertive and express my stance without fear. To be okay with people questioning and disagreeing. To have faith in my ability to express myself. <- That is important. Baxter has been driving me nuts, Cathy has been driving me nuts, Dee has been getting on my nerves, and I have zero desire to talk to Mandy. I know there is an amends to be made, but until I know exactly what it is I'm sorry for and how to express it, I'm not talking to her. I see Cathy and I's relationship going in the same direction, I might as well nip it in the butt right now.
I'm going to 12 steps and beyond for the first time in a while tomorrow. I keep hearing Billie's voice reminding me that we don't know what's going to happen, ever, and that's okay. Ah, the joys of being a psychic :) Learning how to trust, but not actively try and bring about what it is you saw. To know that it's coming, naturally and just by flowing in the current of Love you are co-creating, conciously tryign to create invites the ego....
Some things I wonder if I'll ever change... my fb stalking tendencies... that alone makes me smile, brings some tears to my eyes. There is soooo much changing in my life right now. Changes are being made within and around me. It's beautiful. I've made tenative plans to be out of my Uncle's house before the first of next year. Details, I'm constantly leaving up to God. I'm amazed at how it seems Scott was a catalyst for SOOO much of the stuff I've learned and reflected upon over the last 3 weeks or so. It's just amazing. Beyond what my human mind can fathom. I almost forgot what it was like to not be able to sleep. I was reminded the other day when I saw Suzanne what it was like to be in so lost in so much pain. God bless her. I'm grateful for my sobriety. I've decided on March 12 I'm celebrating 3 years of sobriety. I've worked hard earning that. I will not hide or deny that I drank in September... but I'm not going to discount myself either for the 2 and ahalf years of work I put int BEFORE that night in September. There is osme fear there as how people are going to handle it, but (as I take a deep breathe) That's not something I can worry about. I feel like I earned it, and I'm going to congratulate myself.
Right now in this dark room, with the same song "All I need" playing over and over, I breathe deep and ask myself what I feel. I feel overwhelming Love. Tears want to come to my eyes. But I know there is more that I'm not feeling right now. I feel calm. I feel content? I'm not sure. I'm hoping all this rambling will allow me to sleep. Good night God, thanks for listening. ;)
Dottie
I've thought of Scott. Amazed how how differently I've handled things as opposed to how I used to. It was shown to me that the cycle of being with someone that didn't want a relationship was over... Scott doesn't want a relationship therefore we aren't in one. It's not this half-ass shit like with Dee. It's over. For now anyways. But I found gratitude in that, that I wasn't caught up in another situation where I wanted more, he didn't, but gave me just enough to allow feelings to grow inside of me. I thought of calling/txting him several times today, but I kept reminding myself... if he wanted to talk to me, he'd contact me. He's a big boy. I'm worthy of being pursued, of being missed, of being thougth about and desired for. I'm worth all of that and more. Right now I'm keeping it to myself, lovign myself, and acknowledging my own beauty and power. Right now there's not a man in my life that is close enough or deserving enough for me to throw myself at them and flaunt my positive characteristics to try and reel them in, ha. And to keep myself honest, not a man that wants me too. lol Well there are a couple but not one's that I want to be with. They aren't waht I want. There is a strength that has manifested itself within me, and I"m liking it. I don't know if I'd be happy with him. There's a lot I don't know actually. A lot I will never know. Exaushting myself to find out all the answers is a waste of my time and energy, yet I've spent my whole life trying to figure everything out. I've had to be reminded who God is and who I am, because I've been trying to get God to carry out MY will... you can laugh, it's funny. It's all funny. Settling into quietness allows me to see my life like a movie, I'm an observer instead of the director.
I breathe. Breathing into my heart/throat chakras. I've spent lots of time in meditation lately exploring some issues. Seems my being ignored hatred comes from my mother. When I look into the world all I see is pain. I try to take it all on and get rid of it, but I can't. I'm angry at Mandy for the same reason I'm angry at my mohter, I took on their pain because I coudln't get rid of THEIR pain, but I could get rid of my own pain... so I made it mine, and I've carried it for some time. I'm done carrying other people's pain. I don't need to. I don't have to be afraid to feel because there is more than just pain in the world. There is love, either way... I don't have to take on either one, I can simply observe. Come out of my head, that's what Billie told me, that's what my card told me today... come out of my head and allow my heart to make some of the decisions. I can do that. There are things I need. There are people I need. Although I don't like to admit it there are "You act like you don't need me cause your afraid of being needy, you want your cake and eat it too I call that being greedy" - I love that line. It's from the Alone Again Remix. My Uncle, I need him. I like to think I need no one, nothing. That I alone can soley create a magnificent life for myself. The truth is, no I don't know for sure where I'd be without my Uncle, but something tells me I wouldn't be here. I like to think that I'm exactly were I'm suppose to be and with or without my Uncle I'd be here. But i'm nto so sure these days. He's here because I need him. I need people. I can't take life on alone.... THAT is the last addiction. Or so says the lady who wrote the book.
I've had several overwhelming desires to hit several meetings lately, and when I asked myself why I heard "Because I need to be reminded that I'm not God." I don't ahve to avoid everything I don't entirely agree with, I can learn to be assertive and express my stance without fear. To be okay with people questioning and disagreeing. To have faith in my ability to express myself. <- That is important. Baxter has been driving me nuts, Cathy has been driving me nuts, Dee has been getting on my nerves, and I have zero desire to talk to Mandy. I know there is an amends to be made, but until I know exactly what it is I'm sorry for and how to express it, I'm not talking to her. I see Cathy and I's relationship going in the same direction, I might as well nip it in the butt right now.
I'm going to 12 steps and beyond for the first time in a while tomorrow. I keep hearing Billie's voice reminding me that we don't know what's going to happen, ever, and that's okay. Ah, the joys of being a psychic :) Learning how to trust, but not actively try and bring about what it is you saw. To know that it's coming, naturally and just by flowing in the current of Love you are co-creating, conciously tryign to create invites the ego....
Some things I wonder if I'll ever change... my fb stalking tendencies... that alone makes me smile, brings some tears to my eyes. There is soooo much changing in my life right now. Changes are being made within and around me. It's beautiful. I've made tenative plans to be out of my Uncle's house before the first of next year. Details, I'm constantly leaving up to God. I'm amazed at how it seems Scott was a catalyst for SOOO much of the stuff I've learned and reflected upon over the last 3 weeks or so. It's just amazing. Beyond what my human mind can fathom. I almost forgot what it was like to not be able to sleep. I was reminded the other day when I saw Suzanne what it was like to be in so lost in so much pain. God bless her. I'm grateful for my sobriety. I've decided on March 12 I'm celebrating 3 years of sobriety. I've worked hard earning that. I will not hide or deny that I drank in September... but I'm not going to discount myself either for the 2 and ahalf years of work I put int BEFORE that night in September. There is osme fear there as how people are going to handle it, but (as I take a deep breathe) That's not something I can worry about. I feel like I earned it, and I'm going to congratulate myself.
Right now in this dark room, with the same song "All I need" playing over and over, I breathe deep and ask myself what I feel. I feel overwhelming Love. Tears want to come to my eyes. But I know there is more that I'm not feeling right now. I feel calm. I feel content? I'm not sure. I'm hoping all this rambling will allow me to sleep. Good night God, thanks for listening. ;)
Dottie
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