Two Steps Closer to Surrender

Slowly. I'm learning to feel again. I cried today. Hysterical, growth filled crying. It's been a few weeks. How do I feel right now? Reconnected. Grateful. Humble. Tired. I relapsed. Today I would have celebrated 3 years. How long and I'm I going to remind myself, berate myself? In learning to love myself I decided if I wouldn't do/say it to my best friend or my brother why would I say it to myself? Forgiveness. I've been reminding myself everyday, multiple times a day for a week that I wasn't going to have 3 years today. I've tried justifying it, putting pretty wrapping on it. When the reality is this is my second go around, and I'll have 6 months in a week. It's okay. I don't have to be angry at myself anymore. How long am I going to beat myself up? Right now. I'm done. It's okay. Let's keep it moving ;).

I was angry at myself, and blaming God. I never thought I could be angry at God. I left AA in November 2009 because I felt in my heart and gut that was what was best for me then, I still believe that. I know in my heart there was a reason. There are never any mistakes in God's world. In a moment of quiteness in the midst of my sobbing I asked God why he let me drink again, and I heard "Because it was time for you to come back." Never do we really know why God allowed something to happen, or made something happen. Often times we can come up with a handful of reasons, but what are we doing really? We are just making ourselves feel better. Acceptance. Without rhyme or reason. Holding onto that faith that we don't really have a clue why something happened, but it did, it was suppose to, and good will come from it. Good always comes. I can tell you a million reasons why I think it happened, and several of them just may be true. But guess what I learned this week? I'm not God. I don't know everything, and I can control very little. I asked God to show me the truth on my way to yoga. What was it I needed to feel to find freedom? What was it I needed to face to not be angry anymore. Within two hours I was crying, feeling, cussing, and knowing all the while this was exactly what I had asked for... such a sweet release. I'd love to be able to do that like once a day, lol. Now, to fully reliquinish my incessant desire to control everyone and everything, but for now...

I'm grateful. Thank you God.

Dottie