"You're not too tired, you haven't given it up yet. You're still fighting."
Somewhere along the line here, I've placed my God in my box of things I can use to help me create my life the way I think it should go, the way I want it to go. Logically knowing God has all power, I do not, and I need him. But apparently I don't trust him, and treat God as if he is just some tool I could use if I needed him. Just hanging out in my little tool box. That's not where I want him to be. If I trusted him I wouldn't be asking repeatedly and looking for signs to assure me that he's carried out MY will. Nor would I get angry because he hasn't carried out my will .As I was walking out of Denny's the other day I had a thought of going to a meeting which had been very repetitive lately so I asked Spirit, why do I need to go to meetings, and I heard "To remind you that you are not God." WOW. I then thought of the book I bought before I went into rehab called, "The Last Addiction" The last addiction is letting go of the notion we can do it ourselves, and that's exacty what I've been doing. God has always used my ego to take me where I needed to go because he knew that I would respond so much quicker. I went into nursing because a teacher told me I wouldn't be able to do it anyway, not because I felt it was my calling. I went into rehab because I wanted the attention, not because I really thought I needed it. There are only so many times I'm going to be able to talk myself out of a drink, out of picking up that knife, binging and purging that food, or indulging in unhealthy relationships.
"Lord..... Protect me from the impetuous desires of my nature- to eat and drink to much,to offer grandiose promises,to be careless with my resources: money, time, and energy, emotional, physical, spiritual. Take away my fear of what is real. Teach me to recognize your greatest gift to me, the wholeness of myself, hold me in your light, so that I can see myself as you see me. Amen"
Someone posted that on the wall of The Mid about a month ago and those words have floated around in my head ever since. I was just going to type that I wanted to rephrase it. As if that just doesn't quite fit me. How dare I just accept something as is? Control much? Hmph. Yeah, I do. I try to anyways, and you see how that's working out for me. I'm frustrated and exahusted. I watch my time and energy wasted on things that haven't happened and probably won't happen. Rarely, if ever do I live in the moment. Nor do I live in the past or present. I often live in some other place, Dottie's world apparently. Where I always say the things I wanted to say, things happening just the way I want, and I pick apart a million possible ways something MIGHT happen along with a mental list of how I would react just incase, and fears. Let's not forget the fears, I get to expeirence fear of things that haven't happened and most likely will not all while being terrified of re-living the fears I have actually expierienced.
So what am I going to do? Well, actively putting a plan together to rid myself of this place which I am right now, which is exactly where I'm suppose to be or God wouldn't have me here, would be once again feeding my insatiable desire to control my life. I've been asking God "What else do you want me to do." Then I'm usually crying to hard to hear him, then I get pissed because one he hasn't answered me and two I wanted it yesterday, so he's already behind schedule. It's okay, you can laugh it is funny, sad, but funny. It's time I get out of my head, and into my heart. They say, and I believe this, that God is within each of us, God is Love, and Love comes from our heart center. Well, since I discovered some time ago that you cannot control your emtions I opted not to feel any, at all. I shut it all down. I jumped RIGHT the fuck out of my heart, because thoughts I can control, emotions I cannot. It is no surprise that anger had become my dominant emotion and God is in a box alon with a hundred other "tools" I can use if I feel like I need them, not the all powerful, all loving Creator that I have absolutely zero control over.
So again, what am I going to do? Obviously that was everything I'm not going to do. I'm going to pay close attention to how I feel about everything. I'm going to do, not think. I'm going to sit in my meditation and just feel whatever it is I feel. My morning prayers will consist of "God, what do you want me to do today" and silence. I'm going to gently remind myelf it's okay to not know everything, and that it has been only by God's grace I've not climbed back into that bottle wrapped with beautiful, invisible bows of self-destruction and self-sabotoging.
Thank you God.
Dottie
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