The Beauty in Pain and the Gift of Expierence

"It's the whole, I've been there and I'm gonna try and help you learn from my mistakes, so it will be easier for you."

Let's be honest though, how many of us have learned from other people's mistakes? It's rare, and often it's not even a learning from other peoples' mistakes, it's a fear driven attempt to go to the total opposite end of the spectrum which is just as destructive.

Yes, it can be heartbreaking to watch someone we love dearly take a path similar to one you have chosen that resulted in pain, destruction, or heartbreak. Paths you wish you could have done differently or paths you believe is an absolute miracle, and your lucky to have survived it.... what if your loved one is not? It's not easy watching that. Yet it's important to remind ourselves that when we were in that situation, we weren't hearing shit either, lol. We wanted everyone to stop worrying because the only thing they were doing was getting themselves all worked up. Now if the tables are turned, how much our we getting ourselve worked up?  People say things so loosely sometimes. We really have no idea how spot on some of your little sayings are... like "She's gonna be the death of me" "I'm worrying myself sick." Sometimes all you need is someone listening to reflect back to you what you just said, because you were to busy saying it to hear it. "I know I'm doing this to myself." I've spent the greater part of the last 24 hours being on both ends of this scenario.... the one who is getting frustrated because they know what the other person needs to do transced the current issue, the one who is arrogant and blind to learning from someone elese's mistakes, and lastly the person on the outside without an emotional tie to either side.

Going back to learning fron other's mistakes. Hindsight is always 20/20, and if it isn't it's because we've not removed the shades of denial. Trying to make someone see that we've been there and they are going there, and we really are afraid it's going to end up just like our situation did or worse, or maybe not even like it just bad in general is exahusting on all parties. We learn from our own mistakes, period. And how selfish of us to deny someone a learning expierence? And what about pain being the biggest motivator? It is. We when have enough pain we'll change. Until then, what's the point? That's human nature. SOMETIMES we can muster up the motivation to act when we see something becoming a potential problem, but how willing are we then to go really delve deep and go through pain when we aren't expierencing pain already? How willing are we at that point to look at things we really don't want to look at or do things we really don't want to do? If where we are at isn't so bad? As humans, we avoid pain and seek pleasure. Painful expeirences are beatuiful. We love stories of people who have went through hell and back only to come out a better person and exceed other people's expectations. To come from nothing and have everything. To overcome obstacles, to overcome pain, to keep pushing forward. We admire those people. They make for great movies, great heroes, and great mentors. Don't we want more of those people in our world? Strong, courageous people that have what it takes to make changes? "It's the whole, I've been there and I'm gonna try and help you learn from my mistakes, so it will be easier for you" is like saying, I don't care what The Universe thinks will help you grow the most, I think you're too weak to handle it. I was strong enough, but barely; so let's just save yourself the trouble."  We all know cheating on a test doesn't really serve you. Just having somone give you the answers is not going to provide for you the knowledge you are going to need later on. Life is a test, "saving someone the trouble" is not saving them at all. It's robbing them of life expeirence, of lessons, of Love, and knowledge they can use later on. Lessons repeat themselves until we learn them, let people learn. Personally, I don't like doing shit over and over, I'd rather get it right within the first couple shots.
Your fear of them getting hurt, loosing everything, or even dying... is exactly and only that, your fear. It's not theirs. And our fears are based on our expierences. We don't really KNOW anything, about anyone else. We know how we PERCEIVE them or their life or their experiences, based on our own... but that's about it. So even if you "know" thier happiness isn't going to last long, let them have it. They are happy now. Your so worried about them being unhappy, yet... you are desperately trying to make them unhappier NOW instead of a year from now. Why are you trying to bring them pain sooner? And rob them of that year of utter happiness? Or how about the loved one you are watching kill themselves with drugs and alcohol. You KNOW they are hurting, and yeah... they probably are. But what can you do? Attempting to impose control or "fix" their life will only create anger, frustration, and resentment. They have to learn, and they aren't going to learn from your mistakes. It's about letting go and knowing each of us have our own path, and if our advice or guidance we give to other's begins to breed anything but love, we've gone to far.

The lesson here is this: The next time any of us find ourselves hurting or angry about how someone else is living their life we need to take a breathe and ask ourselves, what are we really angry about. Often it's ourselves. What is it about this situation that really angers me?  However, pretty we try and make our reasons for pushing our advice and opinions on peoples lives ... "BECAUSE I LOVE YOU! BECAUSE I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE! BECAUSE I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU! BECAUSE I DON'T WANT YOU TO HURT! BECAUSE IT"S MY BROTHER/SISTER. BECAUSE IT"S MY RESPONSIBILITY." It's still alll about me, myself, and *I* there's six I's in there if you didn't notice. It's always about us, never about them.  Usually it's anger because we only wish we could go back and decide differently, or because we haven't dealt with our own pain, whatever the case... instead of continuing to look at them and pick their lives, pasts, and personalities apart, we need to look at our own.

Expierence is a gift. There is a beauty in pain, if we so choose to see it, if we so choose to seek it out. My last painful expeirence brought about lots of tears, lots of journaling, meditating, and a little bit of over-eating. I chastized myself for not being "over it" already. HOWEVER, within that pain I was given humility, grace, rest, insight, patience, and Love. It's amazing how much people want to show you they love you when you're hurting.

So, how do we let people live a life we don't see as being right or best? We take a breathe and recognize that expierence is a gift, and what we are feeling isn't about them it's about us. We need to take a moment and ask ourselves who am I to deny this gift of expierence to them? and what part of me is calling out for healing right now?

Love & Light
Dottie