"It's going to be what it's going to be."
I always hated that saying. It always felt like a poor excuse to not create a better reality for ourselves. I have written for some time about an anger I have carried hidden beneath the surface of an outwardly successful and happy demeanor. I don't remember if I felt this way just before moving to Lansing, but I do remember carrying it pretty well for the time I spent here and during most of my adolescence. I was angry about everything---angry I left Detroit, my gym, my yoga, my whole life. I was angry I was here in a relationship that was far from what I wanted. I was angry at myself for the decision I had made and staying.
Recently, I looked around my life and searched my heart and asked what did I really have to be angry about? Why did I carry a miniature scowl on my face, a barely furrowed brow? What would happen if I made a conscious decision to relax it? All of it? What would it be like if I relaxed into my life, exactly as it is? I can tell you. I don't think I ever remember being this happy.
I was done being angry at everything and everyone. Mostly, my father, the weight I gained and the self I lost over a three year period, and myself for staying in a relationship I didn't belong. I didn't want to be angry anymore. I wanted to be free. And free I became, almost instantly, with the decision to be so. I would classify this as one of the more miraculous moments in my life, when finally, unexpectedly, I let go of years of anger. With it's exit, it took years of fear and anxiety with it. I tasted a freedom I forgot existed, as I was so entrenched in this unrealistic reality. I've watched this repressed anger manifest as bitching about small stuff, freaking out on the cat for peeing on the carpet, judging and gossiping about others, and making big deals out of small things. I feel as if I have come full circle. Back around to the self I left, only smarter and stronger. Isn't that the way it goes though? I turned 30 last year. As I stood in the setting sun with lake Michigan kissing my feet, I asked to be cleansed and set free. I am grateful. So grateful.
