I have never loved myself as much as I did today. There was a moment of total and complete love of myself. A moment of unconditional love. Where I just wanted to hug myself and bask within my own being. Loving me fully, totally.... good, bad, indifferent. I fell in love with myself today. So hard it brought tears to my eyes. That moment is unexpressable in words, but I wanted to recognize that moment, and give my deepest gratitude. :)
Namaste
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Knowing My Worth
"I am worth it."
And by it I mean everything. I am worth all the good I could ever want. It's not a feeling of being deserving, deserving is like a tweaked expectation. Deserving implys that you have done something from somewhere other than your heart.
This thought came to me as I watched a movie tonight, and in one scene the young woman was crying, and I thought I know that pain. I've been there, but I'm not there. That's not who I am now. < Something that has been brought to my attention big time these last couple weeks when I was told "You wear everything you've been through, like a badge of honor" and realized I often find myself talking about how I USED to be, what I USED to do, and the person I USED to be. Leaving me unable to fully answer the question of who I am now.
There was a shift tonight as I was feeling my way through some emotions of why I was feeling a certain way when I had already decided I was done, and what my intentions were with wanting to catch up with him later. As hesitant as I was to admit this, my thoughts were something along these lines: I look really cute today, I feel good, it's Christmas. He says he doesn't want to be my boyfriend, but he DID invite me to his house with his family, and I look and feel so good. This might be the turning point where he will want to be with me. Now, recognizing and owning those types of thoughts doesn't always come easy. I decided against trying to find him and re-invite myself from un-inviting myself earlier in the day. Then I asked myself what would make me happy. Which was a pot of coffee with french vanilla creamer, my favorite yoga pants, and a movie I've been wanting to see since it came out in theatre's, and it did.
It was at the end of the movie I realized, that I am worth it. I am worth a man wanting to spend time with me. I am worth being sought after and desired. I am worth being valued as a woman, a friend, and a lover. There is no need to chase, play games, or desperately try and do the things I think I should or shouldn't do, or do the things people suggest I do. Walking around aimlessly, affirming and re-affirming and trying to convince myself I don't have a clue what to do when it comes to dating. Because really, everything I'd ever need to know is already within me. The only guidance, teacher, or nurturer I'll ever need is within myself. Within every single human being there is the Light of God (God being easily and absolutely interchangeable, as far as I'm concerned, to whatever better resonates with you.)
For about the last 3 years or so every time I think of being in a relatioonship I pray and ask God to send me my equal, and yet became angry when I'd get with men who seemed broken, or emotionally unavailable, or unable to commit. But that's who I was, and those men where my equal. "How do you know you're life would be better with him in it?" - The question my best friend asked me 5 years ago as I called her crying about my father for the 700th time. I now coorelate this question with rejection. "How do I know my life would be better with him in it?" any him. Whowever that him is at the time. Being "rejected" by someone doesn't make me any less of the person I was before the rejection... it SIMPLY means, that I was not what THAT person wanted or was looking for, and that's absolutely okay. Because when I KNOW who I am, and know that I'm worth all the good that is here and coming.... "rejection" has no strength, only Love.
Right now, a nap would make me happy, along with a midnight meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, and that's exactly what I'm going to do. <3
Love & Light
Dottie
And by it I mean everything. I am worth all the good I could ever want. It's not a feeling of being deserving, deserving is like a tweaked expectation. Deserving implys that you have done something from somewhere other than your heart.
This thought came to me as I watched a movie tonight, and in one scene the young woman was crying, and I thought I know that pain. I've been there, but I'm not there. That's not who I am now. < Something that has been brought to my attention big time these last couple weeks when I was told "You wear everything you've been through, like a badge of honor" and realized I often find myself talking about how I USED to be, what I USED to do, and the person I USED to be. Leaving me unable to fully answer the question of who I am now.
There was a shift tonight as I was feeling my way through some emotions of why I was feeling a certain way when I had already decided I was done, and what my intentions were with wanting to catch up with him later. As hesitant as I was to admit this, my thoughts were something along these lines: I look really cute today, I feel good, it's Christmas. He says he doesn't want to be my boyfriend, but he DID invite me to his house with his family, and I look and feel so good. This might be the turning point where he will want to be with me. Now, recognizing and owning those types of thoughts doesn't always come easy. I decided against trying to find him and re-invite myself from un-inviting myself earlier in the day. Then I asked myself what would make me happy. Which was a pot of coffee with french vanilla creamer, my favorite yoga pants, and a movie I've been wanting to see since it came out in theatre's, and it did.
It was at the end of the movie I realized, that I am worth it. I am worth a man wanting to spend time with me. I am worth being sought after and desired. I am worth being valued as a woman, a friend, and a lover. There is no need to chase, play games, or desperately try and do the things I think I should or shouldn't do, or do the things people suggest I do. Walking around aimlessly, affirming and re-affirming and trying to convince myself I don't have a clue what to do when it comes to dating. Because really, everything I'd ever need to know is already within me. The only guidance, teacher, or nurturer I'll ever need is within myself. Within every single human being there is the Light of God (God being easily and absolutely interchangeable, as far as I'm concerned, to whatever better resonates with you.)
For about the last 3 years or so every time I think of being in a relatioonship I pray and ask God to send me my equal, and yet became angry when I'd get with men who seemed broken, or emotionally unavailable, or unable to commit. But that's who I was, and those men where my equal. "How do you know you're life would be better with him in it?" - The question my best friend asked me 5 years ago as I called her crying about my father for the 700th time. I now coorelate this question with rejection. "How do I know my life would be better with him in it?" any him. Whowever that him is at the time. Being "rejected" by someone doesn't make me any less of the person I was before the rejection... it SIMPLY means, that I was not what THAT person wanted or was looking for, and that's absolutely okay. Because when I KNOW who I am, and know that I'm worth all the good that is here and coming.... "rejection" has no strength, only Love.
Right now, a nap would make me happy, along with a midnight meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, and that's exactly what I'm going to do. <3
Love & Light
Dottie
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Bringing Me Back to the Moment
"...but NONE of that matters, right now."
I heard that phrase yesterday, radiating from the part of me that speaks only of Love. I trust that part of me, there isn't much I do trust in this world (recently realized) but I do trust that soft, whisper that floats just atop the essence of who I am within the core of my being. I probably repeated that statment a couple hundred times today, bringing myself back to the moment. Whether it was popping out pills, passing dinner trays, driving down the road, sharing this realization with someone else, or showering. NOTHING I was thinking of mattered at that moment. There is time for reflection, for thinking, and it's not all day long. Although there are many days I would love nothing more than to bask in aloness and go within. I do have to function as a human being here on earth, as LAME as that is sometimes.
After some conversations with a few people last night that aren't as easily fooled by some of my facades... I spent much time in reflection. On the way home I thought alot about how "I'm really fucked in the head aren't I?!" lol "I've got issues!" < The main things that kept running through my mind. I do know who I am, although I feel I don't. I've spent several months attempting to be able to write WHO I WAS... and would get no farther than the question... who am I?
I have a lot of inner dialogues that make me feel like I'm going crazy sometimes. I care alot what other people think about me, and my image is important to me. I can fit in with just about anyone, and most often consciously choose how I'm going to act... am I going to act childlike and fun? or mature and responsible? I read a lot of self help books because I trully think I am fucked in the head, but then think.... aren't we all? And what a beautiful gift it is to atleast be AWARE that I'm fucked in the head! IF I were "normal" there would be nothing to explore... who wants to explore normal? What would I do with my life? A life built upon overcoming obstacles, connected with people from all walks of life? A life that pulsates on a spiritual platform. Basking in the Light would be hard to appreciate if there were no dark to follow. What would a life based upon balance be without dark anyway? A great act of Love is forgiveness, and loving what you hate.... or think you hate ;)... How can I Love myself with a passion that supercedes an indifferent or false "yeah sure I love myself"... if I've never hated myself? WHAT would I do if I were normal? I have no idea.... and I don't want to. Normal doesn't change lives, it doesn't spark inspiration or desire. I am a little weird, and I have issues with boundries and co-dependency. I am currently getting better at being assertive, and vocalizing my wants and needs. A part of me still likes to be elusive, and whimisical. I'm not very good at expressing my anger, and can shut the fuck down in an instant if I choose not to feel. Some days I wake up and want nothing more than "to hide from the world" and not get out from under my covers. My abilities to be vendictive, manipulative, and plain out evil scare the shit out of me. My deepest fear is someone knowing ALL of me, every single bit.... because I'm so afraid if they did, I'd be locked away somewhere. Opinions are nowhere near truth. I wonder if anyone really knows the truth about anything. Opinions of me, including my own aren't always true and that makes me thinkg, alot. I feel very strongly I know what my life purpose is, but remain open to stand corrected and take another route, if that soft whisper tells me so. Some of these are defence mechanisms.... but all of this, every single bit of it... is absolutely okay.
I asked for God last night to breed joy, peace, and serenity within me. I thought about keeping things simple. I can read every self-help book ever written, attend every yoga class, and meditate for 16 hours a day. But as long as I set out on this journey alone, I won't be free of the chaos that sometimes fills my mind. Maybe I won't ever, even with not doing it alone lol I don't know! :) I do know that right now, everything is okay. As long as I maintain the intention of living in a way that fosters joy, peace, and Love within myself and others... everything else will work itself out like magic. I'll stay focused in the solution, and lot God figure out the rest.
"... but NONE of that matters, right now." Because it's over, the moment, the thought, it's all over. The only thing that matters right now is already gone too.
I heard that phrase yesterday, radiating from the part of me that speaks only of Love. I trust that part of me, there isn't much I do trust in this world (recently realized) but I do trust that soft, whisper that floats just atop the essence of who I am within the core of my being. I probably repeated that statment a couple hundred times today, bringing myself back to the moment. Whether it was popping out pills, passing dinner trays, driving down the road, sharing this realization with someone else, or showering. NOTHING I was thinking of mattered at that moment. There is time for reflection, for thinking, and it's not all day long. Although there are many days I would love nothing more than to bask in aloness and go within. I do have to function as a human being here on earth, as LAME as that is sometimes.
After some conversations with a few people last night that aren't as easily fooled by some of my facades... I spent much time in reflection. On the way home I thought alot about how "I'm really fucked in the head aren't I?!" lol "I've got issues!" < The main things that kept running through my mind. I do know who I am, although I feel I don't. I've spent several months attempting to be able to write WHO I WAS... and would get no farther than the question... who am I?
I have a lot of inner dialogues that make me feel like I'm going crazy sometimes. I care alot what other people think about me, and my image is important to me. I can fit in with just about anyone, and most often consciously choose how I'm going to act... am I going to act childlike and fun? or mature and responsible? I read a lot of self help books because I trully think I am fucked in the head, but then think.... aren't we all? And what a beautiful gift it is to atleast be AWARE that I'm fucked in the head! IF I were "normal" there would be nothing to explore... who wants to explore normal? What would I do with my life? A life built upon overcoming obstacles, connected with people from all walks of life? A life that pulsates on a spiritual platform. Basking in the Light would be hard to appreciate if there were no dark to follow. What would a life based upon balance be without dark anyway? A great act of Love is forgiveness, and loving what you hate.... or think you hate ;)... How can I Love myself with a passion that supercedes an indifferent or false "yeah sure I love myself"... if I've never hated myself? WHAT would I do if I were normal? I have no idea.... and I don't want to. Normal doesn't change lives, it doesn't spark inspiration or desire. I am a little weird, and I have issues with boundries and co-dependency. I am currently getting better at being assertive, and vocalizing my wants and needs. A part of me still likes to be elusive, and whimisical. I'm not very good at expressing my anger, and can shut the fuck down in an instant if I choose not to feel. Some days I wake up and want nothing more than "to hide from the world" and not get out from under my covers. My abilities to be vendictive, manipulative, and plain out evil scare the shit out of me. My deepest fear is someone knowing ALL of me, every single bit.... because I'm so afraid if they did, I'd be locked away somewhere. Opinions are nowhere near truth. I wonder if anyone really knows the truth about anything. Opinions of me, including my own aren't always true and that makes me thinkg, alot. I feel very strongly I know what my life purpose is, but remain open to stand corrected and take another route, if that soft whisper tells me so. Some of these are defence mechanisms.... but all of this, every single bit of it... is absolutely okay.
I asked for God last night to breed joy, peace, and serenity within me. I thought about keeping things simple. I can read every self-help book ever written, attend every yoga class, and meditate for 16 hours a day. But as long as I set out on this journey alone, I won't be free of the chaos that sometimes fills my mind. Maybe I won't ever, even with not doing it alone lol I don't know! :) I do know that right now, everything is okay. As long as I maintain the intention of living in a way that fosters joy, peace, and Love within myself and others... everything else will work itself out like magic. I'll stay focused in the solution, and lot God figure out the rest.
"... but NONE of that matters, right now." Because it's over, the moment, the thought, it's all over. The only thing that matters right now is already gone too.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Why Things Happen: Fate & Free Will
"Everything happens for a reason."
I have been a firm believer in this statement since as long as I can remember, however lately I've been gently putting every belief, one at a time, out onto the table of my mind for evaluation. It's like I present it objectively to my higher self and ask if this still works for the greater good in my life.
Everything does happen for a reason, however that reason isn't always as huge and life changing as we may think. Sometimes it happens, simply because we chose it to happen. There is an undercurrent to life, a flow, that goes beyond human understanding. Certain things are coming, beyond our control. No matter what we do or don't do, they are coming. Certain expierences, people, events, etc... WILL happen to us, no matter what we do. BUT how we get there is up to us. It is often intangible, and what I mean by this is that the people, places, circumstances may change because our free will is in play... but the outcome, the emotion, lesson, whatever it is that is coming without fail... WILL find it's way too you.
I used to contemplate free will in a scenario of life and death. I could choose right now to take a gun and shoot myself. That is a fact. I could kill myself right now, before I type the next sentence, that is within my realm of free will. So then, that makes me ask the question how much would I be disrupting the future. Wouldn't God know if I were going to do that? I think so, so if he knew I were going to, why would anything beyond that moment in the future involve me living? Sure, someone's death can change the future too, how many organizations, buildings, and scholarships have been created out of the death of someone else... those instances touch thousands of lives. Maybe my death would greater serve the overall good. (NO I am not contemplating suicide, I promise... just my hypothetical reasoning). I also believe that sometime before each of us were incarnated we chose various expierences and lessons to learn while on earth, and chose to meet up with other souls we knew while on the earth plane to help each other achieve these lessons, and meet the challenges that we know on a deep soul level are coming. I belive that although we have "free will" that undercurrent effects our decisions more than we know.
I feel like this is making very little sense and going around and around in circles! lol. The thoughts I had on this early seemed much clearer. Maybe I'll re-write it later lol
I have been a firm believer in this statement since as long as I can remember, however lately I've been gently putting every belief, one at a time, out onto the table of my mind for evaluation. It's like I present it objectively to my higher self and ask if this still works for the greater good in my life.
Everything does happen for a reason, however that reason isn't always as huge and life changing as we may think. Sometimes it happens, simply because we chose it to happen. There is an undercurrent to life, a flow, that goes beyond human understanding. Certain things are coming, beyond our control. No matter what we do or don't do, they are coming. Certain expierences, people, events, etc... WILL happen to us, no matter what we do. BUT how we get there is up to us. It is often intangible, and what I mean by this is that the people, places, circumstances may change because our free will is in play... but the outcome, the emotion, lesson, whatever it is that is coming without fail... WILL find it's way too you.
I used to contemplate free will in a scenario of life and death. I could choose right now to take a gun and shoot myself. That is a fact. I could kill myself right now, before I type the next sentence, that is within my realm of free will. So then, that makes me ask the question how much would I be disrupting the future. Wouldn't God know if I were going to do that? I think so, so if he knew I were going to, why would anything beyond that moment in the future involve me living? Sure, someone's death can change the future too, how many organizations, buildings, and scholarships have been created out of the death of someone else... those instances touch thousands of lives. Maybe my death would greater serve the overall good. (NO I am not contemplating suicide, I promise... just my hypothetical reasoning). I also believe that sometime before each of us were incarnated we chose various expierences and lessons to learn while on earth, and chose to meet up with other souls we knew while on the earth plane to help each other achieve these lessons, and meet the challenges that we know on a deep soul level are coming. I belive that although we have "free will" that undercurrent effects our decisions more than we know.
I feel like this is making very little sense and going around and around in circles! lol. The thoughts I had on this early seemed much clearer. Maybe I'll re-write it later lol
Evaluating the Second Step of Alocholics Anonymous
I feel like I'm on the verge of really understanding the 2nd step. "Came to believe a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." Do I feel insane? Yes. Have I exausted all attempts at trying to make myself sane? Yes. I few days ago I asked God to reveal himself to me. Was the past year my coming to believe? I think it's possible. Because *I* have been doing lots of things to maintain my sobriety, and do I want sobriety? Absolutely, because I can be extremely self destructive. I have been in the past and to prevent me from doing that, I choose to abstain from addictive/self sabotaging behaviors which encompases a WHOLE bunch of shit. I've even asked myself if I'm agnostic the last several days. A guys today said his sponsor told him that he himself couldn't fix him, and that him (his sponsors) job wasn't to fix him, but to help him to work the steps so God could fix him. That made sense to me. The last addiction is thinking we can do it alone. Go to God, go to his children. That's what the speaker said, that spoke to me. I'm now in the solution. But what part does God play and what part do I play? "Praying only for the knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out." - that's the thought that just came to me. How do I know if I've crossed the line o carrying out God's will for me and carrying out MY will for myself? I'm going to read Step two real quick in the twelve and twelve.... It is not the insanity of the obsession of the drink anymore. It is the insanity that lies within that fueled the obssession to drink. The obsession has been removed by God, as requested... then I set out on a journey to restore myself to sanity. I said thanks and see you later. It is time to re-evaluate these steps and see how they fit into my life now. Because it isn't about being powerless over alocohol anymore, it isn't about being restored from the obsession to drink.... it's about accepting the fact that I HAVE been there, and could go back. It is a possibility... and if *I* try to restore myself to sanity, I'll end up in circles. At one time GOD was the most important word in there, today it's sanity.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Quieting the Voice Within.
"Maybe I'm more cut and dry, black and white, right or wrong than I think I am."
I've literally been up long enough to pee and pour a bowl of cereal. However, the inner dialogue has been in full swing. I'm hoping if I just start typing it will all pour out and ..... "I wait for someone to tell me what's right and whats wrong, I get angry and frustrated when I'm not sure what I'm doing is right or wrong. I need to know. At that point I'll choose if I'm doing the right thing or the wrong thing, but I want to know." Am I eating my breakfast right according to the Yoga of eating book? Am I really hungry? I did eat crazy yesterday. I look at myself in the mirror, do I still look skinny? Yeah, same as yesterday. What kind of tea do I want today? I need yoga, my muscles ache. DAMMIT I shouldn't have done Yin then worked out with Burkey. Where is my uncle, and what is he doing? A friend called, so glad to hear from him, I want to ask him if he's doing heroine again, I heard he was, should I? Is it really my business? I do care about him. But how is that going to change my actions towards him. If he is am I going to do something to help him STOP? IS it even my place. I love ethical/moral issues.... is it because at a soul level, it is one of my biggest challanges? Fear. I thought of fear yesterday as I was walking. I am absolutely terrified of the unknown. It drives me crazy to not know. I want to know. I thought, would I be able to get into a car with someone I "trust" and them answer none of my questions. How would I feel if I were in a car riding and didn't have the slightest clue where I was going, how long we were going to be gone, if anyone else was going to come along later. My anxiety would be through the roof. And I'd probably be livid! A desire to be in control as much as we possibly can. It's like I need to know what's normal, so I can fix or not fix something. Like every characteristic of who I am, I ask myself... do I like this about me? Decide yes or no... go find out if it's "normal" or socially acceptable, and whether or not it will hinder or help me.... then I decide if I'm going to change it. Let's say I decide TO change whatever part of me this is, THEN I venture out in search of books, people, articles, holistic remedies, anything to help me get what *I* want, Then I go through the process of change (greiving, letting go, the exhilarting feeling of "overcomig") I'm addicted to change. Can one be addicted to change? ANY addiction is an avoidance mechinism of something. I keep having the feeling to email this to Billie, then I ask myself why. What are my intentions/expectations? That action alone makes me chuckle a bit and ask myself there I go again, asking myself is it right or wrong? What is the best answer. Guess we all do that.. < That was what I just heard. We all do it, most people on a very unconcious level, however, I'm a little more concious than most.. but a reminder to self ---- SO I almost wrote here about not being better than anyone, or above anyone else... then I thought, but I AM. There are people that are not as concious as I am, and there are those that are more concious than I am.... There are people that play the piano better than me, run farther than me, breath deeper, and all of that is okay. In the grand scheme of it all, there is balance. Honestly, a balance than can never be truly disrupted on level of eternity. I just compared myself to the mad hatter on ALice of Wonderland last night. Often I feel I'm too smart for my own good. BREATHE. I want yoga. A yoga class, I'll go to Ashtanga at 5:30 tonight. I want tea but I"m afraid it'll disrupt my flow. I am afraid of everything. I'm afraid of doing something wrong, of doing something not good enough. I'm afraid of what people think about me, what I'm going to do today... what if at the end of the day I realize I didn't do what I wanted to do?, I'm afraid of what kind of mood my uncle will be in and what he's going t osay, desperatly wishing he was in FL already, I'm afraid of what Billie is going to think/say when/if she reads this.... I'm afraid of life. Wow, everything stopped because after I wrote "I'm afraid of life, I thought I don't really wanna be here. I didn't sign up for this shit." and I got angry. Then I ask myself, who the fuck is *I* anyway? Is it "the ego" which I must rid myself of, and be leary of and not trust, or is it my higher self, if it is the ego which can be used for good. There is an argument going on in my head right now thats going something like this... "I NEED TO KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS RIGHT AND BEST FOR ME SO I CAN DO THAT" another voice says, "It's all right." and I'm just like wtf. I'm beginning to see perfectin tendencies, but okay so before I begin the cycle of problem, why, do I like it? Keep it or change it? search... cry.... exhilartion.... I'm just like.... maybe it's suppose to be there. It's served some kind of good purpose. It always does. OMG I feel like I'm crazy. I wrote in a journal once that I"m terrified of people knowing what goes on inside of me because they will label me as crazy and all my rights and who I am be stripped away. There are tears now, why are there tears? For a purging of sorts..... as the world fell silent for a moment or two I heard "This is the voice I try and quiet with food." < because this voice fucking drives me nuts. I just wanna be like SHUT THE FUCK UP, I just want to live. Maybe I'll send this to Jack too. I can feel the urge to cry, but I'm afraid I won't, and I'll miss an oppurtunity to purge myself of some pent up emotion.... wow.
I've literally been up long enough to pee and pour a bowl of cereal. However, the inner dialogue has been in full swing. I'm hoping if I just start typing it will all pour out and ..... "I wait for someone to tell me what's right and whats wrong, I get angry and frustrated when I'm not sure what I'm doing is right or wrong. I need to know. At that point I'll choose if I'm doing the right thing or the wrong thing, but I want to know." Am I eating my breakfast right according to the Yoga of eating book? Am I really hungry? I did eat crazy yesterday. I look at myself in the mirror, do I still look skinny? Yeah, same as yesterday. What kind of tea do I want today? I need yoga, my muscles ache. DAMMIT I shouldn't have done Yin then worked out with Burkey. Where is my uncle, and what is he doing? A friend called, so glad to hear from him, I want to ask him if he's doing heroine again, I heard he was, should I? Is it really my business? I do care about him. But how is that going to change my actions towards him. If he is am I going to do something to help him STOP? IS it even my place. I love ethical/moral issues.... is it because at a soul level, it is one of my biggest challanges? Fear. I thought of fear yesterday as I was walking. I am absolutely terrified of the unknown. It drives me crazy to not know. I want to know. I thought, would I be able to get into a car with someone I "trust" and them answer none of my questions. How would I feel if I were in a car riding and didn't have the slightest clue where I was going, how long we were going to be gone, if anyone else was going to come along later. My anxiety would be through the roof. And I'd probably be livid! A desire to be in control as much as we possibly can. It's like I need to know what's normal, so I can fix or not fix something. Like every characteristic of who I am, I ask myself... do I like this about me? Decide yes or no... go find out if it's "normal" or socially acceptable, and whether or not it will hinder or help me.... then I decide if I'm going to change it. Let's say I decide TO change whatever part of me this is, THEN I venture out in search of books, people, articles, holistic remedies, anything to help me get what *I* want, Then I go through the process of change (greiving, letting go, the exhilarting feeling of "overcomig") I'm addicted to change. Can one be addicted to change? ANY addiction is an avoidance mechinism of something. I keep having the feeling to email this to Billie, then I ask myself why. What are my intentions/expectations? That action alone makes me chuckle a bit and ask myself there I go again, asking myself is it right or wrong? What is the best answer. Guess we all do that.. < That was what I just heard. We all do it, most people on a very unconcious level, however, I'm a little more concious than most.. but a reminder to self ---- SO I almost wrote here about not being better than anyone, or above anyone else... then I thought, but I AM. There are people that are not as concious as I am, and there are those that are more concious than I am.... There are people that play the piano better than me, run farther than me, breath deeper, and all of that is okay. In the grand scheme of it all, there is balance. Honestly, a balance than can never be truly disrupted on level of eternity. I just compared myself to the mad hatter on ALice of Wonderland last night. Often I feel I'm too smart for my own good. BREATHE. I want yoga. A yoga class, I'll go to Ashtanga at 5:30 tonight. I want tea but I"m afraid it'll disrupt my flow. I am afraid of everything. I'm afraid of doing something wrong, of doing something not good enough. I'm afraid of what people think about me, what I'm going to do today... what if at the end of the day I realize I didn't do what I wanted to do?, I'm afraid of what kind of mood my uncle will be in and what he's going t osay, desperatly wishing he was in FL already, I'm afraid of what Billie is going to think/say when/if she reads this.... I'm afraid of life. Wow, everything stopped because after I wrote "I'm afraid of life, I thought I don't really wanna be here. I didn't sign up for this shit." and I got angry. Then I ask myself, who the fuck is *I* anyway? Is it "the ego" which I must rid myself of, and be leary of and not trust, or is it my higher self, if it is the ego which can be used for good. There is an argument going on in my head right now thats going something like this... "I NEED TO KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS RIGHT AND BEST FOR ME SO I CAN DO THAT" another voice says, "It's all right." and I'm just like wtf. I'm beginning to see perfectin tendencies, but okay so before I begin the cycle of problem, why, do I like it? Keep it or change it? search... cry.... exhilartion.... I'm just like.... maybe it's suppose to be there. It's served some kind of good purpose. It always does. OMG I feel like I'm crazy. I wrote in a journal once that I"m terrified of people knowing what goes on inside of me because they will label me as crazy and all my rights and who I am be stripped away. There are tears now, why are there tears? For a purging of sorts..... as the world fell silent for a moment or two I heard "This is the voice I try and quiet with food." < because this voice fucking drives me nuts. I just wanna be like SHUT THE FUCK UP, I just want to live. Maybe I'll send this to Jack too. I can feel the urge to cry, but I'm afraid I won't, and I'll miss an oppurtunity to purge myself of some pent up emotion.... wow.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Passion
What am I passionate about at this point in my life, right now?
I asked myself that question yesterday as I walked, because those passions have changed. I am passionate about connecting mind, body, and spirit. About attaining goals, and helping others do the same. I'm passionate about overcoming obstacles, and being a better person today than I was the day before. Yoga, I'm passionate about yoga, loosing weight, and being healthy. About having the inside match the outside, and allowing fear to be merely a motivator for postitive change and nothing else. I'm becoming an observer of life, of people. I'm passionate about living a life of balance free of addictive behaviors. I'm passionate about cultivating an awareness that supercedes all that I've ever known. That just is, without explanation, and actually posses an elusiveness which makes it almost impossible to label, describe, or validate. Simplicity.
I like simplicity. Maybe because I don't allow much of it into my life, lol. :) I'm okay with that.
I also thought yesterday about doing things to elminate fear. Like truly always doing my best, and everything that is expected of me say at my job or in school.... and it will eliminate much anxiety and fear.
Well, I think I got out all I needed too.... I'm going to study at bit now :)
Namaste
I asked myself that question yesterday as I walked, because those passions have changed. I am passionate about connecting mind, body, and spirit. About attaining goals, and helping others do the same. I'm passionate about overcoming obstacles, and being a better person today than I was the day before. Yoga, I'm passionate about yoga, loosing weight, and being healthy. About having the inside match the outside, and allowing fear to be merely a motivator for postitive change and nothing else. I'm becoming an observer of life, of people. I'm passionate about living a life of balance free of addictive behaviors. I'm passionate about cultivating an awareness that supercedes all that I've ever known. That just is, without explanation, and actually posses an elusiveness which makes it almost impossible to label, describe, or validate. Simplicity.
I like simplicity. Maybe because I don't allow much of it into my life, lol. :) I'm okay with that.
I also thought yesterday about doing things to elminate fear. Like truly always doing my best, and everything that is expected of me say at my job or in school.... and it will eliminate much anxiety and fear.
Well, I think I got out all I needed too.... I'm going to study at bit now :)
Namaste
Exploring the Anger
What do I do with the anger? Why do I feel so much anger?
Seems like there is so much anger bubbling to the surface. I'm nto sure what to do with it. I've conteplated the times in my life when I felt anger and how I expressed it. I'm afraid of my anger. It scares me. What am I so afraid of? That I'm going to hurt someone, including myself. Because I have, so many times before. Seems like few things make sense anymore. The weight things carry are the weight I attach to them. Something inside me tells me that part of this is uneccesary, I am only torturing myself. I pause for a moment to reflect on that. Is it really important to know why everything happens? Can I just allow the anger to bubble and dissipate? But what do I do with it? Who and what am I angry at? I think of Dee, my mother, and my father. I think of how angry my Dad used to make me and how I couldn't show him because then he would get angrier. So I acted like it didn't bother me. I feel like I could be spending this time doing something more valubale like sutdying. But is that me avoiding this subject? Sometimes, I think I'm too smart for my own good. I avoid my uncle like the plague most of the time, especially right now when I have such little money in the bank. I just hought about shifting my focus. As I focus on things healing and going away they will, but what about feeling them and acknowledging them? I feel like I"m driving mysef fucking nuts. There is so little going on in my life right now, and yet I feel like everything is spinning so fast. WTF. Breathe.
Seems like there is so much anger bubbling to the surface. I'm nto sure what to do with it. I've conteplated the times in my life when I felt anger and how I expressed it. I'm afraid of my anger. It scares me. What am I so afraid of? That I'm going to hurt someone, including myself. Because I have, so many times before. Seems like few things make sense anymore. The weight things carry are the weight I attach to them. Something inside me tells me that part of this is uneccesary, I am only torturing myself. I pause for a moment to reflect on that. Is it really important to know why everything happens? Can I just allow the anger to bubble and dissipate? But what do I do with it? Who and what am I angry at? I think of Dee, my mother, and my father. I think of how angry my Dad used to make me and how I couldn't show him because then he would get angrier. So I acted like it didn't bother me. I feel like I could be spending this time doing something more valubale like sutdying. But is that me avoiding this subject? Sometimes, I think I'm too smart for my own good. I avoid my uncle like the plague most of the time, especially right now when I have such little money in the bank. I just hought about shifting my focus. As I focus on things healing and going away they will, but what about feeling them and acknowledging them? I feel like I"m driving mysef fucking nuts. There is so little going on in my life right now, and yet I feel like everything is spinning so fast. WTF. Breathe.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Stopped In My Tracks
After juggling the urge to indulge in ice cream for the last few hours I finally decided to go and get some (at 1:30 am). I have shorts on tonight because it's pretty warm out for October in Michigan. I quietly put on my coat and grabbed my keys, as I slide the sliding door back and watched it close from the other side I thought, "This feels like I'm sneaking out to do something wrong." In that moment I felt like a 15 year old girl sneaking out of her father's house, then caught a glimpse of myelf in the window. I'm smaller now than I was at 15. I looked at my legs, my waist, and my jaw line. I asked myself if I REALLY wanted that 1000 calories of ice cream I was about to indulge in. I put my head down and kept walking... I noticed the temperature had dropped, and it was windy. Within six feet of the envoy, slightly lit by the poarch light I stopped. I stopped in my tracks, and felt tears well up in my eyes. I took a deep breath and asked myself what was I REALLY feeling that I was about to numb with food? The answer was clear, I knew in my heart what it was, then I smiled and felt nothing but Love. In that instant of acknowleding I was chosing to ignore something, and a willingess to feel whatever it was.... it was felt only briefly then gone. Like I only felt it for a half a second as it passed through from somwhere inside of me where it was hiding then out. I had no thoughts of letting it go or releasing it, I was just willing to feel it and it was lifted before I could even put a label on it. I turned around and faced the street, I watched the wind rustle the trees and just stood there in the middle of the driveway with nothing but peace and serenity in my heart. I said aloud, "God." stood for several more minutes and said, "Thanks" with tears in my eyes I walked back into the house.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Sweet Discomfort
"I am willing to forgive past lovers and release all anger stored in my physical, mental and emotional bodies. I am willing to release the pain, in exchange for peace."
That is the action step for the Doreen Virtue Angel Oracle Card entitiled "Be Wililng to Forgive." This was the card brought to me repeatedly last night when I asked questions related to relationships like "What is the purpose of this relationship" or "What do I need to do?" "Where is this going, what can I expect?" I finally decided okay, lets sit with this a little while, the same card keeps coming up.... what am I not seeing?
I've recited that affirmation probably a hundred times since last night. I've found there are a few areas I keep getting stuck, I laugh because it's just that pain being resistive. I breathe, feel Love and compassion for myself and where I am on my path.. and recite it again with a smile. As of right now, I can say it, and feel those words permeate my being. As I was re-reading this just now, I realized that I am STILL leaving out the word "all" ... "all anger stored in my physical, mental, and emotional bodies." Hmph, interesting. Makes me smile :). This brings into my awareness a small part of me that still wants to hold on to SOME of the pain. It's okay. How often do we stick with the painful familiar so not to have to go into the unkown? I've said thousands of times, all that is needed for transformation is awareness & willingness. I console myself as I would a hurting friend. I tell myself it's okay, you'll get there, you may not be willing right this second, be when you're ready, you'll know it... and it'll leave before you even realize it's gone :).
How do I feel? Well, as good as any healing feels. It's a sweet discomfort. It's hope within the pain. As the pain and anger "stored within my physical, mental, and emotional body" leaves... I feel discomfort. I'm tired. Exausted actually. I feel as if I didn't even sleep last night. My throat hurts. I'm expierencing random pains, usually a shooting pain in random areas as the pain leaves such as my left ankle, under my right rib cage, around my shoulders, right hip, now about 3 inches inot my forarm. I've been nauseated most of the day. I'm cracking and popping with every movement. Emotionally, I'm whiney, complaining, angry... there's lots of anger. My anxiety was higher than it's been in MONTHS... I had to leave the floor at work because I needed to get some air and re-ground myself. I was verging on a panic attack. My patience was low, and I was told by almost every single patient I didn't look like myself. Mentally... random thoughts have been coming in and out and in and out... some things make since others don't.
It's beautiful really. I watch and feel years of pain and anger rise to the surface and leave. It's about being willing to do whatever it takes. Willing to see the pain, feel the pain, love the pain, and be willing to let it go when it no longer serves it's purpose. What I'm going through is often called a "healing crisis" where things get slightly worse before they get better. It's common really, like when I drug addict withdrawls, or working out to be stronger but hurting like hell the next day or two. It's going to the bottom of the well to clean out all the mud that's accumulated, causing the once clear water to become dirty. Cleaning the mud allows more room for fresh water to be held. Water that better serves everyone. It gets worse only temporarily, the end result is better than where you began. And sometimes, it make take a few times stirring it all up before you can get out all the dirt.
So with each twinge of pain, each tear, or urge to burst into anger... I'm going to ask myself what it's telling me, what I'm letting go, and breathe. I'm going to breathe into it Love and forgiveness. I'm going to allow myself to feel this sweet discomfrot and know it's all part of the process. Once the dirt settles again, there won't be so much at the bottom. Because that's what I'm doing... healing. I am forgiving past lovers (and myself) and releasing ALL anger stored within my physical, mental, and emotional bodies. I am releasing the pain, in exchange for peace right now at this very moment. And for that, I am grateful. Thank you All for the awareness and Love. Amen.
Love & Light
Dottie
That is the action step for the Doreen Virtue Angel Oracle Card entitiled "Be Wililng to Forgive." This was the card brought to me repeatedly last night when I asked questions related to relationships like "What is the purpose of this relationship" or "What do I need to do?" "Where is this going, what can I expect?" I finally decided okay, lets sit with this a little while, the same card keeps coming up.... what am I not seeing?
I've recited that affirmation probably a hundred times since last night. I've found there are a few areas I keep getting stuck, I laugh because it's just that pain being resistive. I breathe, feel Love and compassion for myself and where I am on my path.. and recite it again with a smile. As of right now, I can say it, and feel those words permeate my being. As I was re-reading this just now, I realized that I am STILL leaving out the word "all" ... "all anger stored in my physical, mental, and emotional bodies." Hmph, interesting. Makes me smile :). This brings into my awareness a small part of me that still wants to hold on to SOME of the pain. It's okay. How often do we stick with the painful familiar so not to have to go into the unkown? I've said thousands of times, all that is needed for transformation is awareness & willingness. I console myself as I would a hurting friend. I tell myself it's okay, you'll get there, you may not be willing right this second, be when you're ready, you'll know it... and it'll leave before you even realize it's gone :).
How do I feel? Well, as good as any healing feels. It's a sweet discomfort. It's hope within the pain. As the pain and anger "stored within my physical, mental, and emotional body" leaves... I feel discomfort. I'm tired. Exausted actually. I feel as if I didn't even sleep last night. My throat hurts. I'm expierencing random pains, usually a shooting pain in random areas as the pain leaves such as my left ankle, under my right rib cage, around my shoulders, right hip, now about 3 inches inot my forarm. I've been nauseated most of the day. I'm cracking and popping with every movement. Emotionally, I'm whiney, complaining, angry... there's lots of anger. My anxiety was higher than it's been in MONTHS... I had to leave the floor at work because I needed to get some air and re-ground myself. I was verging on a panic attack. My patience was low, and I was told by almost every single patient I didn't look like myself. Mentally... random thoughts have been coming in and out and in and out... some things make since others don't.
It's beautiful really. I watch and feel years of pain and anger rise to the surface and leave. It's about being willing to do whatever it takes. Willing to see the pain, feel the pain, love the pain, and be willing to let it go when it no longer serves it's purpose. What I'm going through is often called a "healing crisis" where things get slightly worse before they get better. It's common really, like when I drug addict withdrawls, or working out to be stronger but hurting like hell the next day or two. It's going to the bottom of the well to clean out all the mud that's accumulated, causing the once clear water to become dirty. Cleaning the mud allows more room for fresh water to be held. Water that better serves everyone. It gets worse only temporarily, the end result is better than where you began. And sometimes, it make take a few times stirring it all up before you can get out all the dirt.
So with each twinge of pain, each tear, or urge to burst into anger... I'm going to ask myself what it's telling me, what I'm letting go, and breathe. I'm going to breathe into it Love and forgiveness. I'm going to allow myself to feel this sweet discomfrot and know it's all part of the process. Once the dirt settles again, there won't be so much at the bottom. Because that's what I'm doing... healing. I am forgiving past lovers (and myself) and releasing ALL anger stored within my physical, mental, and emotional bodies. I am releasing the pain, in exchange for peace right now at this very moment. And for that, I am grateful. Thank you All for the awareness and Love. Amen.
Love & Light
Dottie
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Guilt Disguised as Anger at the Wrong Person
Four hours ago my Uncle's girlfriend offered a book she felt inclined to give me. She said she thought of me and knew I enjoy reading those kinds of books, but wasn't sure how to bring it up as to not offend me. The book was about trying to make everyone happy. My first thought was yeah, okay I've got some people pleasing tendencies, I might read it. I smiled, and told her it was fine, she didn't offend me and to just bring it on over. It was then I felt that first tinge of uncomfortableness. That little voice that began clearing it's throat before it's scarcastic slurs where to be made. She said, "I know you tend to do that with your mother." I said, "Not so much as with my mother as I do..." and pointed at my Uncle behind a wall so he couldn't see me. We laughed, and as I was walking out the door that little bruised ego voice began... "Who does she think she is? She doesn't know me. If I wanted her input on MY life I would have asked for it. I've never went to her for anything. I can't STAND for ppl to give there opinions without my asking... etc." The anger directed towards her began to grow, the anger directed towards me began to grow (because deep down I felt let her get to me < please note the sarcasm) The guilt began creeping in because I knew in my heart she was only acting out of Love, so how come I couldn't just see that and get the fuck over being angry?!?!? I talked to one person about it, and that person said I had every right to feel that way, they couldnt' stand for ppl to throw in their two cents either. I knew the issue was deeper, I just didn't know what it was yet.
For the past four hours, I've admitted to myself and someone else my feelings. I sat and asked myself what was I REALLY feeling, and why. I have myself permission to feel angry without judgement. With the trust that the true fire that burned this anger would be revealed. Because when I feel confusion it's because my reality doesn't match the truth. < WOW. I can't believe I just typed that. Amazing. I think that is a very true statement that just came from my subconcious. Anyways, after four hours... I've found my answer because under the anger there is hurt, and under the hurt there is Love, always Love.
I do not feel worthy of all that my Uncle does for me. Typing that brings tears to my eyes. For five years, I've watched him give to me and give to me, only asking that I use this oppurtunity to save money, and I can't even do that. The guilt I feel is tremendous. So, anytime I have the oppurtunity to do something for him that I CAN do... I do it. There's nothing I wouldn't do for him. I've changed my plans at the drop of a hat, missed a good friends bridal shower, been late for work, changed my routine.... the list is endless. Because I feel SO much guilt about not beign able to save money, I will do anything else to try and show him that I DO appreciate all he does. I feel like I could go my entire life and never repay him for all he has done. Everytime I spend a dime I think about my Uncle. I'm frustrated because I KNOW it's got to be much simpler than I'm making it, yet I can't seem to do it. I can't seem to save a grand for the life of me right now. I'm ashamed. I don't want him to know. I hide things from him because I don't want him to be disappointed in me, I don't want him angry at me, I don't want ot let him down. I want to leave, but not because I'm unhappy, but because I feel like I'm not utilizing this oppurtunity as I should, so why waste his time, energy, and money? I never feel any anger towards him, ever. It's always fear. Fear of upsetting him, fear of not living up to the expecatiosn he has of me, because I feel like I should give him that. All he has given me???? I should ATLEAST be able to live up to the expecations he has of me. As usual, I laugh about this situations because deep down it's knawing at my soul. He's so sick of hearing "I'm trying" and I'm sick of saying it.... but I am. Then I'm like there's no trying, either I am or I'm not.... I'm not. I'm not saving money, I'm not taking full advantage orf such a blessing that may never come again.... then I get angry at myself. What the fuck is wrong with me? People are loosing there homes, and would LOVE to be in my situation, yet I can't save a fucking dime. So what is it I feel? Anger, Shame, guilt, disappointment, fear. Seems so simple... SAVE MONEY. I have the funds to do so, but not the knowledge. Someone please fucking help me! HELP ME! Somebody show me. Then I get angry at my mother, becauuse when it comes to money I'm so much like her it makes me sick. And I used to become irate over her finances, and here I am, being her. I don't wanna be her. It's like a web. It keeps going backwards. His girlfriend offerend to show me how she does it ... maybe next pay period I'll take her up on it.
The subconcious thought that sparked the anger was what?! You're telling me I shouldn't spend so much energy trying to make him happy with me? All he does for me? What do you want me to walk around like I don't give a fuck? To be like yeah, thanks, what the fuck ever. NO. He wants me to clean windows, or take out the trash, or help him move the tiki hut, or pick him up antacids I'm gonna do it! Because that is the VERY LEAST I can do! And he can do whatever he wants... he can open my mail, stay on my ass, and ask me to do whatever he wants. The guilt I feel won't allow me to feel any anger when it comes to him. Just Love, because thats all I know. He washed all my clothes over the weekend. He didn't ahve to do that. I felt guilty. I brainstormed... what can I do to give back to him? I feel like I could spend my whole life trying to "repay" him and never succeed. My gratitude is beyond words. I wonder what I've done to have such a blessing? The tears are falling. That's good. I hear they cleanse the soul :) ... All I have to do is save money. It's simple I know... me doing it is difficult.
I'm sorry Uncle Keith. I love you and thank you. We both know I wouldn't be where I am without you, and I won't be where I'm going if I wouldnt' have been here.
God please help me to release these fears, and help me to save money... amen.
Love & Light
Dottie
For the past four hours, I've admitted to myself and someone else my feelings. I sat and asked myself what was I REALLY feeling, and why. I have myself permission to feel angry without judgement. With the trust that the true fire that burned this anger would be revealed. Because when I feel confusion it's because my reality doesn't match the truth. < WOW. I can't believe I just typed that. Amazing. I think that is a very true statement that just came from my subconcious. Anyways, after four hours... I've found my answer because under the anger there is hurt, and under the hurt there is Love, always Love.
I do not feel worthy of all that my Uncle does for me. Typing that brings tears to my eyes. For five years, I've watched him give to me and give to me, only asking that I use this oppurtunity to save money, and I can't even do that. The guilt I feel is tremendous. So, anytime I have the oppurtunity to do something for him that I CAN do... I do it. There's nothing I wouldn't do for him. I've changed my plans at the drop of a hat, missed a good friends bridal shower, been late for work, changed my routine.... the list is endless. Because I feel SO much guilt about not beign able to save money, I will do anything else to try and show him that I DO appreciate all he does. I feel like I could go my entire life and never repay him for all he has done. Everytime I spend a dime I think about my Uncle. I'm frustrated because I KNOW it's got to be much simpler than I'm making it, yet I can't seem to do it. I can't seem to save a grand for the life of me right now. I'm ashamed. I don't want him to know. I hide things from him because I don't want him to be disappointed in me, I don't want him angry at me, I don't want ot let him down. I want to leave, but not because I'm unhappy, but because I feel like I'm not utilizing this oppurtunity as I should, so why waste his time, energy, and money? I never feel any anger towards him, ever. It's always fear. Fear of upsetting him, fear of not living up to the expecatiosn he has of me, because I feel like I should give him that. All he has given me???? I should ATLEAST be able to live up to the expecations he has of me. As usual, I laugh about this situations because deep down it's knawing at my soul. He's so sick of hearing "I'm trying" and I'm sick of saying it.... but I am. Then I'm like there's no trying, either I am or I'm not.... I'm not. I'm not saving money, I'm not taking full advantage orf such a blessing that may never come again.... then I get angry at myself. What the fuck is wrong with me? People are loosing there homes, and would LOVE to be in my situation, yet I can't save a fucking dime. So what is it I feel? Anger, Shame, guilt, disappointment, fear. Seems so simple... SAVE MONEY. I have the funds to do so, but not the knowledge. Someone please fucking help me! HELP ME! Somebody show me. Then I get angry at my mother, becauuse when it comes to money I'm so much like her it makes me sick. And I used to become irate over her finances, and here I am, being her. I don't wanna be her. It's like a web. It keeps going backwards. His girlfriend offerend to show me how she does it ... maybe next pay period I'll take her up on it.
The subconcious thought that sparked the anger was what?! You're telling me I shouldn't spend so much energy trying to make him happy with me? All he does for me? What do you want me to walk around like I don't give a fuck? To be like yeah, thanks, what the fuck ever. NO. He wants me to clean windows, or take out the trash, or help him move the tiki hut, or pick him up antacids I'm gonna do it! Because that is the VERY LEAST I can do! And he can do whatever he wants... he can open my mail, stay on my ass, and ask me to do whatever he wants. The guilt I feel won't allow me to feel any anger when it comes to him. Just Love, because thats all I know. He washed all my clothes over the weekend. He didn't ahve to do that. I felt guilty. I brainstormed... what can I do to give back to him? I feel like I could spend my whole life trying to "repay" him and never succeed. My gratitude is beyond words. I wonder what I've done to have such a blessing? The tears are falling. That's good. I hear they cleanse the soul :) ... All I have to do is save money. It's simple I know... me doing it is difficult.
I'm sorry Uncle Keith. I love you and thank you. We both know I wouldn't be where I am without you, and I won't be where I'm going if I wouldnt' have been here.
God please help me to release these fears, and help me to save money... amen.
Love & Light
Dottie
Monday, October 18, 2010
The Life I've Chosen To Live
"Is this in alignment with the life I've chosen to Live?"
I question I heard on the way home from Mt. Clemens. Within that question a knowningness. I knew that question was one to ask myself on a daily basis, a moment to moment basis. Every action, inaction, decision, bite of food, piece of writing, feild of study, friend, relationship, etc.... Every single thing about my life. Is it in alignment with the life I've chosen to live? Which may go beyond just the obvious life I've chosen to live as the incarnate Dottie Hollingsworth. It goes deeper than that. I chose the life I wanted to live before I was even born, and thus far, I've spent my whole life doing just that, and figuring out exactly what that is without a single moment of mistake.
The next question was, "What is the life I've chosen to live?" One of awareness. One of balance, integrity, and Love. To find gratitude in every moment. To create meaningful, deep relationship with people in my life as to help each other be and live at our highest potential. One free of earthly addictions secondary to maintaing that balance and awareness. A concious decision to honor the gifts of the earth. To remember the sacridity of that which we as people so often take for granted. Like the presence of a tree that gives freely of itself to clear the pollutants that we as humans fill the air with, and exihibits an unconditional giving by re-growing itself after being plucked from it's life source. It does so in Love. Thats the life I want to live. May my human frailty never be forgotten by me, and may I remember always know that I am still human. Without judgement, anger, or fear may I embrace every part and peice of who I am. Allowing my breath to be a connector between myself and all that Is.
"Do whatever your heart and soul truly desire, but do it in Love..." < That is in alignment with the life I've chosen to live.
Namaste
Dottie
I question I heard on the way home from Mt. Clemens. Within that question a knowningness. I knew that question was one to ask myself on a daily basis, a moment to moment basis. Every action, inaction, decision, bite of food, piece of writing, feild of study, friend, relationship, etc.... Every single thing about my life. Is it in alignment with the life I've chosen to live? Which may go beyond just the obvious life I've chosen to live as the incarnate Dottie Hollingsworth. It goes deeper than that. I chose the life I wanted to live before I was even born, and thus far, I've spent my whole life doing just that, and figuring out exactly what that is without a single moment of mistake.
The next question was, "What is the life I've chosen to live?" One of awareness. One of balance, integrity, and Love. To find gratitude in every moment. To create meaningful, deep relationship with people in my life as to help each other be and live at our highest potential. One free of earthly addictions secondary to maintaing that balance and awareness. A concious decision to honor the gifts of the earth. To remember the sacridity of that which we as people so often take for granted. Like the presence of a tree that gives freely of itself to clear the pollutants that we as humans fill the air with, and exihibits an unconditional giving by re-growing itself after being plucked from it's life source. It does so in Love. Thats the life I want to live. May my human frailty never be forgotten by me, and may I remember always know that I am still human. Without judgement, anger, or fear may I embrace every part and peice of who I am. Allowing my breath to be a connector between myself and all that Is.
"Do whatever your heart and soul truly desire, but do it in Love..." < That is in alignment with the life I've chosen to live.
Namaste
Dottie
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Mind Catching Up With Body
My mind is finally beginning to catch up to the physical changes my body has taken on. Looking at myself in the mirror, in pictures, or catching glimpses of myself as I walk by a window I'm always a little bit surprised and usually say something along the lines of wow, I'm getting tiny. I'm not surprised as much anymore. There is periodic fear of I have this now, I don't want to loose it. However, I aknowledge I'm feeling it, but don't focus on it. As I was leaving the resturarnt I thought about how much easier it is for me to leave food now. I'ts not EASY persay, but it's doable. There was a time where I would eat myself sick because I couldn't leave food on my plate, and now all though it takes me a few bites after I decide I'm full I can put that fork down. I think of the times I overeat, which lead to an entirely different set of circumstances of which I'm not ready to share.
What a miracle. There was a day when I felt absolutely compelled to finish every bite. The Yoga of Eating book is changing my life. By simply making a concious decision to watch and feel how I eat.... it has changed. I didn't try to change it, it just did. I didn't judge myself at all about the way I ate, I just watched myself eat. It's beautiful. My desire to share this with others is strong, but almost as if telling them is difficult. It just kind of naturally happens, and people really have a hard time wrapping thier heads around that. I reminded myself of the small steps I've taken thus far, of the progress I've made. Taking a breath and asking my body what it wants, what it needs. I remind myself sometimes, that I am in the smallest pant size I've been in sice I began wearing "woman" sizes.
I've been so distracted the entire time I've been writing this. So I'll just end with this. I'm so grateful for this journey. Where I've been, Where I'm at, and Where I'm going.... God please continue to help me get to my goal weight and shed this pain I've carried for hears while building healthy boundries
Namaste
Dottie
What a miracle. There was a day when I felt absolutely compelled to finish every bite. The Yoga of Eating book is changing my life. By simply making a concious decision to watch and feel how I eat.... it has changed. I didn't try to change it, it just did. I didn't judge myself at all about the way I ate, I just watched myself eat. It's beautiful. My desire to share this with others is strong, but almost as if telling them is difficult. It just kind of naturally happens, and people really have a hard time wrapping thier heads around that. I reminded myself of the small steps I've taken thus far, of the progress I've made. Taking a breath and asking my body what it wants, what it needs. I remind myself sometimes, that I am in the smallest pant size I've been in sice I began wearing "woman" sizes.
I've been so distracted the entire time I've been writing this. So I'll just end with this. I'm so grateful for this journey. Where I've been, Where I'm at, and Where I'm going.... God please continue to help me get to my goal weight and shed this pain I've carried for hears while building healthy boundries
Namaste
Dottie
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Right Here, Right Now
"Is where we are now such a bad place to be?" - Karen Casey
My mantra if you will during my yoga session this morning. I sat for a moment on my orange yoga mat, legs crossed with the sun shining on my face and asked myself, "Is where am at right now so bad?" Never again will I be at THIS point in my journey. My journey of life, self-discovery, point of attainment to my goals. NEVER again will I bet RIGHT here, with the Sun RIGHT there, with it this temperature, these thoughts, this specific time and date, etc... never. I perfect, unique moment laid bare for the taking. For just a single moment of basking it it's perfectness. A single moment of letting go. In that moment it's as if the world pours in those most beautiful energy into the core of the soul. And when that moment is over, it's okay. Everything is okay. No need to be angry when the thoughts rush back, the attention is gone, and the world sets it. I stare out the window to a treah with tints of red, blowing in the breeze. It's simple presense makes me breath a little deeper and connect a little closer.
My thoughts go to the things I'm focusing on the most right now in my life which are loosing weight, maintaing awareness and balance, and becoming an RN. Also, feeling my emotions, truly feeling them without judgement and allowing them to be. I'll never be where I am right now, again. It is a journey. A beautiful journey. My weight loss journey has showed me things about myself I thought I had faced already. Drinking was but a symptom, eating was but a symptom, every personality characteristic has a deeper underylying fire that causes it to burn. I want to know what feeds that fire.
I am so grateful for this journey. Within the pain lies the healing. I've spent my entire life inflicting physical pain, and avoiding the emotional and spiritual. Removing the phsycial, I have to feel the emotional and spiritual. But under that there is Love. That's what I want. I want to get to the Love. Where Love is all I feel, know, breath, am. I want to take others there. I want to take there hand and say, I've been there. I've done this, and that, and been through that too. I want to go out into the battlefeilds of life where people are so willingly fighting only themselves and pretending they are fighting everything else. I've been there. I'm not afraid to go back. It's like growing up to realize there really aren't monsters in your closet, therefore your not fraid to go in there anymore. There really AREN'T any battles to be fought, just Love. Just allowing that Love to surface, and stoping fighting It.
Love & Light
Dottie
My mantra if you will during my yoga session this morning. I sat for a moment on my orange yoga mat, legs crossed with the sun shining on my face and asked myself, "Is where am at right now so bad?" Never again will I be at THIS point in my journey. My journey of life, self-discovery, point of attainment to my goals. NEVER again will I bet RIGHT here, with the Sun RIGHT there, with it this temperature, these thoughts, this specific time and date, etc... never. I perfect, unique moment laid bare for the taking. For just a single moment of basking it it's perfectness. A single moment of letting go. In that moment it's as if the world pours in those most beautiful energy into the core of the soul. And when that moment is over, it's okay. Everything is okay. No need to be angry when the thoughts rush back, the attention is gone, and the world sets it. I stare out the window to a treah with tints of red, blowing in the breeze. It's simple presense makes me breath a little deeper and connect a little closer.
My thoughts go to the things I'm focusing on the most right now in my life which are loosing weight, maintaing awareness and balance, and becoming an RN. Also, feeling my emotions, truly feeling them without judgement and allowing them to be. I'll never be where I am right now, again. It is a journey. A beautiful journey. My weight loss journey has showed me things about myself I thought I had faced already. Drinking was but a symptom, eating was but a symptom, every personality characteristic has a deeper underylying fire that causes it to burn. I want to know what feeds that fire.
I am so grateful for this journey. Within the pain lies the healing. I've spent my entire life inflicting physical pain, and avoiding the emotional and spiritual. Removing the phsycial, I have to feel the emotional and spiritual. But under that there is Love. That's what I want. I want to get to the Love. Where Love is all I feel, know, breath, am. I want to take others there. I want to take there hand and say, I've been there. I've done this, and that, and been through that too. I want to go out into the battlefeilds of life where people are so willingly fighting only themselves and pretending they are fighting everything else. I've been there. I'm not afraid to go back. It's like growing up to realize there really aren't monsters in your closet, therefore your not fraid to go in there anymore. There really AREN'T any battles to be fought, just Love. Just allowing that Love to surface, and stoping fighting It.
Love & Light
Dottie
Monday, October 4, 2010
Opening the Sacral Chakra
For about 4 or 5 days now my inner pelvic area has been radiating pain to the point where I have to amp myself up to get out of bed. I have a very high pain tolerance and successfully ignored it for about 2 days, then at work last Friday I was bending over and said aloud something along the lines of OMG I really am in a lot of pain. So I've chosen to really go inward and see what my body is trying to tell me.
I've prayed for clarity, clairty of my world as it really is, and what will best serve my highest good of myself and others. ANYWYAS, everything is making perfect sense. It's affecting my sacral chakra mainly, with some slight irritation to my root chakra. Just now I felt like the pulling sensation is because the root and the solar plexus are spinning beautifully, and the sacral chakra not so much, thus causing me so much pain... the other two are pulling on my sacral chakra because it's out of balance. As I was reading about the root chakra I had the feeling that one was doing just fine, the activities that help that one remain open and strong I do daily, I knew then it was mostly sacral. I'm researching what stones help to bust that chakra open, and what excercises will do so as well. I want to know how an unbalanced sacral chakra effects my life, and what I can embody to help it heal. Right now I've got a raw citrine nestled under my pelvic area, and yoga starts in about 20 min. A few things did really jump out at me that I should do, or need to focus on, I'll be copying and pasting here so I can review it later... right now it's time for me to get ready for yoga.
Namaste
This chakra often offers us the opportunity to lessen our "control issues" and find a balance in our lives, teaching us to recognize that acceptance and rejection are not the only options in our relationships. The process of making changes in our life stream through our personal choices is a product of second chakra energy. A well-functioning second chakra helps one to maintain a healthy yin-yang existence.
Spiritual Lesson - creativity, manifestation. honoring relationships, learning to "let go"
Physical Dysfunctions- low back pain, sciatica, ob/gyn problems, pelvic pain, libido, urinary problems
Mental and Emotional Issues - blame, guilt, money, sex, power, control, creativity, morality
Information Stored Inside Sacral Chakra - duality, magnetism, controlling patterns, emotional feelings (joy, anger, fear)
I've prayed for clarity, clairty of my world as it really is, and what will best serve my highest good of myself and others. ANYWYAS, everything is making perfect sense. It's affecting my sacral chakra mainly, with some slight irritation to my root chakra. Just now I felt like the pulling sensation is because the root and the solar plexus are spinning beautifully, and the sacral chakra not so much, thus causing me so much pain... the other two are pulling on my sacral chakra because it's out of balance. As I was reading about the root chakra I had the feeling that one was doing just fine, the activities that help that one remain open and strong I do daily, I knew then it was mostly sacral. I'm researching what stones help to bust that chakra open, and what excercises will do so as well. I want to know how an unbalanced sacral chakra effects my life, and what I can embody to help it heal. Right now I've got a raw citrine nestled under my pelvic area, and yoga starts in about 20 min. A few things did really jump out at me that I should do, or need to focus on, I'll be copying and pasting here so I can review it later... right now it's time for me to get ready for yoga.
Namaste
This chakra often offers us the opportunity to lessen our "control issues" and find a balance in our lives, teaching us to recognize that acceptance and rejection are not the only options in our relationships. The process of making changes in our life stream through our personal choices is a product of second chakra energy. A well-functioning second chakra helps one to maintain a healthy yin-yang existence.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Love & Ancillary Choices
Good morning :)
I have spent time contemplating mny things lately. Much thought/feeling has been giving to how do I REALLY feel inside, what does my heart want? In what ways am I remaining true to myself, and in what ways am I not? And if I'm not, then how can I go back to being true to myself? Who am I? Who do I want to be? Is what I want to be who I am? And can it change if I choose to do so? I've contemplated recovery, beliefs, and choices.
I just saw the word "labels" at the bottom of my blog box. My first thought was how often to we have to label things? Label ourselves, good or bad, alcoholic or normal drinker, extrovert or introvert, feminime or masculine, fighter or lover? The list goes on. At any given moment I have the capacity to go within and embrace any number of these qualities. If I feel I need strength, then I go within and find my strength, if I feel I need to be more extroverted then I go within and find THAT quality of myself.
What does my heart tell me? That I am Love, and anything beyond that is simply an ancillary choice.
As far as my recovery goes and being true to myself I've decided that I have been fighting the 12 steps for almost a year. In the beginning I thought it was a bad thing, yet I stepped out on faith away from the AA meetings and decided to continue working the 12 steps. I've been doing that, and find myself sincerly wanting away from the 12 steps. Just before I "left AA" I sat at the bar for almost 3 hours sincerely trying to drink. I left sober and super pissed. I realized later, that was me wanting OUT. It had served it's purpose.
In my heart there is no desire to continue working the 12 steps or attend any kind of recovery meeting. There is no anger, but peace. True peace and gratitiude. I feel I have gotten so much out of the last 2 and a half years, but it no longer plays the role it used to and hasn't for a long time now. Fighting to cling to a program that doesn't resonate with my soul has taken away from my serenity. I have an addictive personality, that I believe. Yes, I wonder if I didn't believe that if it would be true, but for serenity's sake, I agree and accept that I have an addictive personality. Which to me means that I have to maintain a state of awareness and balance. For me... food, the casino, sex, booze, self destruction, it is all the same for me. My extremeist attitude caused me to go from drinking 5 days a week to NOTHING, not a drop. So much of my energy was spent in refraining from that. I just want to live. I want to BE. I am. Change is coming, a lot of change, but it's okay. I like change. I'm ready for change. There is no fear right now, excitement, stillness.... peace.... my breathe is light. I wish I could rely in words what I feel right now.
Love & Light
Dottie
I have spent time contemplating mny things lately. Much thought/feeling has been giving to how do I REALLY feel inside, what does my heart want? In what ways am I remaining true to myself, and in what ways am I not? And if I'm not, then how can I go back to being true to myself? Who am I? Who do I want to be? Is what I want to be who I am? And can it change if I choose to do so? I've contemplated recovery, beliefs, and choices.
I just saw the word "labels" at the bottom of my blog box. My first thought was how often to we have to label things? Label ourselves, good or bad, alcoholic or normal drinker, extrovert or introvert, feminime or masculine, fighter or lover? The list goes on. At any given moment I have the capacity to go within and embrace any number of these qualities. If I feel I need strength, then I go within and find my strength, if I feel I need to be more extroverted then I go within and find THAT quality of myself.
What does my heart tell me? That I am Love, and anything beyond that is simply an ancillary choice.
As far as my recovery goes and being true to myself I've decided that I have been fighting the 12 steps for almost a year. In the beginning I thought it was a bad thing, yet I stepped out on faith away from the AA meetings and decided to continue working the 12 steps. I've been doing that, and find myself sincerly wanting away from the 12 steps. Just before I "left AA" I sat at the bar for almost 3 hours sincerely trying to drink. I left sober and super pissed. I realized later, that was me wanting OUT. It had served it's purpose.
In my heart there is no desire to continue working the 12 steps or attend any kind of recovery meeting. There is no anger, but peace. True peace and gratitiude. I feel I have gotten so much out of the last 2 and a half years, but it no longer plays the role it used to and hasn't for a long time now. Fighting to cling to a program that doesn't resonate with my soul has taken away from my serenity. I have an addictive personality, that I believe. Yes, I wonder if I didn't believe that if it would be true, but for serenity's sake, I agree and accept that I have an addictive personality. Which to me means that I have to maintain a state of awareness and balance. For me... food, the casino, sex, booze, self destruction, it is all the same for me. My extremeist attitude caused me to go from drinking 5 days a week to NOTHING, not a drop. So much of my energy was spent in refraining from that. I just want to live. I want to BE. I am. Change is coming, a lot of change, but it's okay. I like change. I'm ready for change. There is no fear right now, excitement, stillness.... peace.... my breathe is light. I wish I could rely in words what I feel right now.
Love & Light
Dottie
Friday, October 1, 2010
A Release
Ah, the peaceful embrace of the night. There was a time I was so afraid of the dark. I never knew why. I wasn't afraid of someone breaking in or anything like that, I was simply afraid of the dark and what I could sense but not see. I wasn't until I decided to go within and face my deepest fears, wahtever they were, I was ready. I spent an entire weekend up north at a bed and breakfast on the lake by myself. No phone, No Tv, and I journaled. I prayed and meditated, and faced whatever "demons" I had still lurking in the darkest depths of my soul. And now, I'm no longer afraid of the dark. It was pretty fascinating when I realized I wasn't afraid anymore. I mean I used to be so terrified I would sleep with a light now, like a LAMP light, lol. But not anymore. I think what I was afraid of was my OWN darkness, that part of me I refused to see, feel, and love. ANYWAYS.... that wasn't suppose to be what this blog is about. :) Moving on....
I've felt more lost over the last few days than I've felt in a very long time. Like much of what I've believed, felt, saught, became, had, and was ... was slowly being stripped away, and I left bare to the world. Vunerable. Completely lost. Questioning every single thought, action, word, belief... feeling that every other sentence was a contradiction to the one before it, leading me down yet another rabbit hole. I fought it at first, fearful. I prayed and asked God to bring me closer to him, because I felt that I could no longer FEEL the presence of him or the Angels. I wondered if I was so used to them being around I was used to the vibration, or wondered if I had allowed my ego to seperate me from that which is all I am.
I came to the conclusion tonight as I walked along the dark sidewalk with beautiful music filling every cell of my brain... that much WAS leaving. I had been praying for release from that which hinders my growth for weeks, and then I'm SUPRISED when I feel that things are being taken away? lol And by things I mean just the feeling of loosing something, of being without, scared, unprotected. My prayers were being answered. For the first time in days I breathed a deep breath and felt the presence of God, not as fully as I have before, but more than what I had in a while. I felt in the core of my being to just breathe. That's it. Breathe into that feeling, melt into that feeling, and trust that whatever is happening is for my highest good and those around me. Because it is. Every moment. I was able to reach back into that peace that resides inside of me. I smiled. It was beautiful.
I had a brief thought about going to a midnight AA meeting before all this happened. I thought about how I had always said I DO go when I feel like I"m suppose to be there. It was a repitive thought, but there was no peace with it. I have been repelled by the 12 steps for almost a year now. Do I understand it? No. Did I drink once, yes.... but for whatever reason, the thought of embracing the twelve steps as I did before does not add to my serenity. Yet I thoguht to go there tonight. I was confused. Yet I was not feeling it in my heart or gut, that I needed to be there.... then I realized that was me resorting back to what I know. Anytime we feel scared, lost, vunerable, we wish to go back to our "safe place." What we know. I know those tables, and those steps like the back of my hand, and feeling as lost as I did in that moment, I yearned for that comradarie, that feeling of saying the Lord's prayer with other people who had shared many of my expierences and feelings.... yet, I was not at peace about going there. I felt it would be a step backwards, which probably makes little sense. Sure it would be easy and safe for me to go to those tables and say "My name is Dottie, and I'm an alcoholic" but would I believe it? No. Would I feel it within my being? No. "Fake it till you make it?" <- That's convincing yourslef of something. What about how one REALLY feels? Everything just seems to contradict each other right now. But this is were I step out on faith, there are no mistakes.
Our beliefs, are our choice. What we think will work for us will, what we embrace becomes us. I've put everything I've ever believed, felt, thought, and said onto a table... I want to know who I am, what I am, who I want to be. We can be whoever we WANT to be, but who do I WANT to be? That's the question. We spend our entire lives creating this person we want to be. I am no different. I am angery right now, just now I can feel it rising to the surface. God, please walk with me and show me where you want me to go.... and show me what you want me to take. I feel empty, and lost. May it be because that which no longer serves me highest purpose is gone, and there is more room for your Love to fill my being...
Love & Light
Dottie
I've felt more lost over the last few days than I've felt in a very long time. Like much of what I've believed, felt, saught, became, had, and was ... was slowly being stripped away, and I left bare to the world. Vunerable. Completely lost. Questioning every single thought, action, word, belief... feeling that every other sentence was a contradiction to the one before it, leading me down yet another rabbit hole. I fought it at first, fearful. I prayed and asked God to bring me closer to him, because I felt that I could no longer FEEL the presence of him or the Angels. I wondered if I was so used to them being around I was used to the vibration, or wondered if I had allowed my ego to seperate me from that which is all I am.
I came to the conclusion tonight as I walked along the dark sidewalk with beautiful music filling every cell of my brain... that much WAS leaving. I had been praying for release from that which hinders my growth for weeks, and then I'm SUPRISED when I feel that things are being taken away? lol And by things I mean just the feeling of loosing something, of being without, scared, unprotected. My prayers were being answered. For the first time in days I breathed a deep breath and felt the presence of God, not as fully as I have before, but more than what I had in a while. I felt in the core of my being to just breathe. That's it. Breathe into that feeling, melt into that feeling, and trust that whatever is happening is for my highest good and those around me. Because it is. Every moment. I was able to reach back into that peace that resides inside of me. I smiled. It was beautiful.
I had a brief thought about going to a midnight AA meeting before all this happened. I thought about how I had always said I DO go when I feel like I"m suppose to be there. It was a repitive thought, but there was no peace with it. I have been repelled by the 12 steps for almost a year now. Do I understand it? No. Did I drink once, yes.... but for whatever reason, the thought of embracing the twelve steps as I did before does not add to my serenity. Yet I thoguht to go there tonight. I was confused. Yet I was not feeling it in my heart or gut, that I needed to be there.... then I realized that was me resorting back to what I know. Anytime we feel scared, lost, vunerable, we wish to go back to our "safe place." What we know. I know those tables, and those steps like the back of my hand, and feeling as lost as I did in that moment, I yearned for that comradarie, that feeling of saying the Lord's prayer with other people who had shared many of my expierences and feelings.... yet, I was not at peace about going there. I felt it would be a step backwards, which probably makes little sense. Sure it would be easy and safe for me to go to those tables and say "My name is Dottie, and I'm an alcoholic" but would I believe it? No. Would I feel it within my being? No. "Fake it till you make it?" <- That's convincing yourslef of something. What about how one REALLY feels? Everything just seems to contradict each other right now. But this is were I step out on faith, there are no mistakes.
Our beliefs, are our choice. What we think will work for us will, what we embrace becomes us. I've put everything I've ever believed, felt, thought, and said onto a table... I want to know who I am, what I am, who I want to be. We can be whoever we WANT to be, but who do I WANT to be? That's the question. We spend our entire lives creating this person we want to be. I am no different. I am angery right now, just now I can feel it rising to the surface. God, please walk with me and show me where you want me to go.... and show me what you want me to take. I feel empty, and lost. May it be because that which no longer serves me highest purpose is gone, and there is more room for your Love to fill my being...
Love & Light
Dottie
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Unrealistic Expectations Rambled
Good morning!
I intended to get up at 7:30 for my favorite yoga class and ended up hitting snooze so many times I could have cared less about going. I was tired and cranky by this point. Yet, when I DID wake up I was fairly angry at myself for missing it! As I laid in my bed pouting and trying to NOT be angry at myself I heard the words "Unrealistic Expectations."
I decided to really look at that phrase for a few moments today and feel what it meant to me. My intial question to myself was do I have unrelalistic expectations of myself, and my intial response was "yes." I just had this feeling of kicking myself in the ass because I didn't go to yoga this morning, ugh... moving along. I am not a morning person, I know this, yet I set my alarm to get up at 7:15am? After falling asleep a little after 1am? I knew I wasn't going to get up. Then my question becomes, did I know I wasn't going to get up? or did I create the situation of not getting up at 7:15am because I had made the decision the night before that I wasn't going to?
Unrealistic expectations also makes me think of the term "extremeist" which I very much am which is okay because it has it's good aspects too, I really believe even the qualities we deem as "terrible" have certain situations where they wold be useful. So what now? I seem to not have much to say about Unrealistic expectations, maybe it's something I need to give thought to throughout the day, as I go about my day.
My thoughts right now are about having a routine of some kind in the morning. 10:30 feels like an appropriate wake time which I would like to incorporate on the days don't do yoga. I've been trying the make a daily schedule thing, which isn't working out to great for me right now, seems to just be kind of there. Routine wise I've thought about praying, breakfast, blogging over tea, yoga and/or walking, then my day.... I'd like that to the start to my day EVERYDAY. Let's give myself a goal of doing it for 4 days. I almost said a week, but I heard "unrealistic expectations" in my head, lol. The Universe knows me well :) I need to figure out how long all of this takes roughly. It's 11:30 now and I've been up since about 10:40 I believe. So, maybe two hours before I need to start getting ready to go somewhere? So if I get ready for work at 1pm, getting up at 10:30 is perfect, actually gives me an extra 30 min. We'll see how this works for the next four days. I'm gonna go ahead and jot this down. I'd guess on the days I don't have to work I don't really need to be up at 10:30? Give myself a little leadway. Tommorrow I have class so it appears two hours to get read and get there would put me at 11:30, so 2 hours to do my routine would put me at 9:30am. Doable? I think so :). There is a thought there, almost a fear of developing OCD tendencies. lol, wow, there's my extreme's again. I either think I have to have NO schedule or be OCD about my schedule, lol... it does make me laugh a bit.
I've made my schedule out for the next two days, but I don't even know where to start for Saturday and Sunday! lol I'm like should I just get up at 10:30 to keep things kosher or wake up whenever and THEN do my routine, it can be more relaxed because it's the weekend right? Sure. Oh look at that, there aren't even any times on my weekend calender. Good. SHIT. Yin Yoga is tomorrow... and I really want to go! Guess I have to put that in my schedule lol... OMG I'm gonna drive myself nuts. No I'm not. For whatever reason I'm getting excited, lol.
I think blogging everyday will help me sort through the shit within my head, and focus better. I need to explore how not going to yoga this morning REALLY makes me feel, becuase I keep thinking of it and thinkg UGH fuck. I feel dissppointment, anger, frustration. It reminds me of all those other times I wanted to get up earlier and didn't. Feel irresponsible, lazy... makes me think of my father yelling at me "what are you gonna sleep all day? Get up." But I'm an adult now, I make my own decisions. Sleeping all day IS a choice for me, however, doing so strikes guilt and fear, like I'm waiting on SOMEONE to yell at me.
Seems it's now time for me to get moving this morning.... ;)
Love & Light
Dottie
I intended to get up at 7:30 for my favorite yoga class and ended up hitting snooze so many times I could have cared less about going. I was tired and cranky by this point. Yet, when I DID wake up I was fairly angry at myself for missing it! As I laid in my bed pouting and trying to NOT be angry at myself I heard the words "Unrealistic Expectations."
I decided to really look at that phrase for a few moments today and feel what it meant to me. My intial question to myself was do I have unrelalistic expectations of myself, and my intial response was "yes." I just had this feeling of kicking myself in the ass because I didn't go to yoga this morning, ugh... moving along. I am not a morning person, I know this, yet I set my alarm to get up at 7:15am? After falling asleep a little after 1am? I knew I wasn't going to get up. Then my question becomes, did I know I wasn't going to get up? or did I create the situation of not getting up at 7:15am because I had made the decision the night before that I wasn't going to?
Unrealistic expectations also makes me think of the term "extremeist" which I very much am which is okay because it has it's good aspects too, I really believe even the qualities we deem as "terrible" have certain situations where they wold be useful. So what now? I seem to not have much to say about Unrealistic expectations, maybe it's something I need to give thought to throughout the day, as I go about my day.
My thoughts right now are about having a routine of some kind in the morning. 10:30 feels like an appropriate wake time which I would like to incorporate on the days don't do yoga. I've been trying the make a daily schedule thing, which isn't working out to great for me right now, seems to just be kind of there. Routine wise I've thought about praying, breakfast, blogging over tea, yoga and/or walking, then my day.... I'd like that to the start to my day EVERYDAY. Let's give myself a goal of doing it for 4 days. I almost said a week, but I heard "unrealistic expectations" in my head, lol. The Universe knows me well :) I need to figure out how long all of this takes roughly. It's 11:30 now and I've been up since about 10:40 I believe. So, maybe two hours before I need to start getting ready to go somewhere? So if I get ready for work at 1pm, getting up at 10:30 is perfect, actually gives me an extra 30 min. We'll see how this works for the next four days. I'm gonna go ahead and jot this down. I'd guess on the days I don't have to work I don't really need to be up at 10:30? Give myself a little leadway. Tommorrow I have class so it appears two hours to get read and get there would put me at 11:30, so 2 hours to do my routine would put me at 9:30am. Doable? I think so :). There is a thought there, almost a fear of developing OCD tendencies. lol, wow, there's my extreme's again. I either think I have to have NO schedule or be OCD about my schedule, lol... it does make me laugh a bit.
I've made my schedule out for the next two days, but I don't even know where to start for Saturday and Sunday! lol I'm like should I just get up at 10:30 to keep things kosher or wake up whenever and THEN do my routine, it can be more relaxed because it's the weekend right? Sure. Oh look at that, there aren't even any times on my weekend calender. Good. SHIT. Yin Yoga is tomorrow... and I really want to go! Guess I have to put that in my schedule lol... OMG I'm gonna drive myself nuts. No I'm not. For whatever reason I'm getting excited, lol.
I think blogging everyday will help me sort through the shit within my head, and focus better. I need to explore how not going to yoga this morning REALLY makes me feel, becuase I keep thinking of it and thinkg UGH fuck. I feel dissppointment, anger, frustration. It reminds me of all those other times I wanted to get up earlier and didn't. Feel irresponsible, lazy... makes me think of my father yelling at me "what are you gonna sleep all day? Get up." But I'm an adult now, I make my own decisions. Sleeping all day IS a choice for me, however, doing so strikes guilt and fear, like I'm waiting on SOMEONE to yell at me.
Seems it's now time for me to get moving this morning.... ;)
Love & Light
Dottie
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Learning to Feel Again
Good morning.
It is pretty well known amongst my close friends that I "am not a crier." I just don't cry often, actually I cry rarely. There have been many times in my life when all I wanted to do was cry and I couldn't. When people get angry at me I smile, and sometimes laugh. Not out of disrespect, but because that is my reaction. I can "feel bad" and know that I'm feeling guilt, but do I really FEEL IT? This is the question/thought I've been exploring for the last couple weeks.
So here I am right now, with my tea, starting at the clock that says 12:28 pm.... I ask myself what do I FEEL, right now? My first thought is "a lot actually," but we want feelings not thoughts. What do I feel? I feel rushed, angry, anxious, physically uncomfortable, frustrated... that's all I can name right now. Would you know this by seeing me right now? NOPE. Would anyone? Nope. A smile just came across my face. My typical reaction to feeling uncomfortable. God forbid I show anyone my human emotions, I'm getting angry at myself. OH, I also feel guilt. We'll go into all of this in a moment...
I feel rushed because my NEED right now is to journal/blog so I can grow as a person, yet this is what's going on in my head... "You've got thirty minutes before you have to get in the shower. In that thirty minutes you have to eat breakfast. What about walking? Are you gonna walk? You haven't walked in a while. Maybe you'd feel better if you walked.AND you're gonna blog? Do you even have time to blog?" In writing it out it seems like so much less than what it was, lol. I've already meditated this morning so that's not an issue.
I feel anger because I woke up at 9am and went back to sleep. I wasn't tired I just thought it was too early to be up, what the fuck was I gonna do for 4 hours on a Sunday? Well I DID plan on going grocery shopping. So now I'm angry because I didn't go grocery shopping because I chose to go back to sleep. That's twice I changed my mind about grocery shopping, and I want to go to Kroger's because they have a better organic food supply and they won't be open when I get off work. So I'm kicking myself in the ass. I'm also angry because I feel rushed, because it's my fault I'm rushed.
I feel anxious because I feel rushed. I'm feeling so much right now it's overwhelming which causes me anxiety. It's all a vicious cycle really.
Physically uncomfortable.... I feel this because my muscles are sore from working out with my trainer two days ago and doing yoga yesterday. However, this uncomfortableness is welcomed :) lol Mainly it's because I have to pee, and it's my lucky lady week. So phsyically I feel bloated, yucky, and blah. So it is true the hormones from this could be provoking the feelings of anger and anxiety. Like I said, I'm just exploring this to see where this fucking rabbit hole is going...
Guilt. Why guilt? Because I didn't go grocery shopping and now my cat doesn't have food. :( I can't explain to him that I'll pick some up later. Then I become frustrated because my wallet is two states away including my license and debit/credit cards, so writing a check is my only option which few ppl will take without my license. This guilt quicly turns to anger when he's sitting 2 feet away from me looking at me so sad meowing, but why anger? because I feel so fucking bad. Because if I would have gotten my ass up this morning, and went to the damn grocery store.... I wouldn't feel rushed, I would have had time to walk, and my cat would have had food.
A part of me is wondering why the hell I'm even blogging about this.... I guess because I need to get this shit out. I need to release and let go.... and I type much faster than I write lol... basically boils down to this, THIS is for me, if it helps someone else GREAT if not, that's okay too. ;)
So what now? After idendtifying a PROBLEM... I like to identify a potential SOLUTION...
ugh... I got sidetracked... right now I'm thinking.... make a schedule and stick to it... let's see how that works.
Love & Light
Dottie :)
It is pretty well known amongst my close friends that I "am not a crier." I just don't cry often, actually I cry rarely. There have been many times in my life when all I wanted to do was cry and I couldn't. When people get angry at me I smile, and sometimes laugh. Not out of disrespect, but because that is my reaction. I can "feel bad" and know that I'm feeling guilt, but do I really FEEL IT? This is the question/thought I've been exploring for the last couple weeks.
So here I am right now, with my tea, starting at the clock that says 12:28 pm.... I ask myself what do I FEEL, right now? My first thought is "a lot actually," but we want feelings not thoughts. What do I feel? I feel rushed, angry, anxious, physically uncomfortable, frustrated... that's all I can name right now. Would you know this by seeing me right now? NOPE. Would anyone? Nope. A smile just came across my face. My typical reaction to feeling uncomfortable. God forbid I show anyone my human emotions, I'm getting angry at myself. OH, I also feel guilt. We'll go into all of this in a moment...
I feel rushed because my NEED right now is to journal/blog so I can grow as a person, yet this is what's going on in my head... "You've got thirty minutes before you have to get in the shower. In that thirty minutes you have to eat breakfast. What about walking? Are you gonna walk? You haven't walked in a while. Maybe you'd feel better if you walked.AND you're gonna blog? Do you even have time to blog?" In writing it out it seems like so much less than what it was, lol. I've already meditated this morning so that's not an issue.
I feel anger because I woke up at 9am and went back to sleep. I wasn't tired I just thought it was too early to be up, what the fuck was I gonna do for 4 hours on a Sunday? Well I DID plan on going grocery shopping. So now I'm angry because I didn't go grocery shopping because I chose to go back to sleep. That's twice I changed my mind about grocery shopping, and I want to go to Kroger's because they have a better organic food supply and they won't be open when I get off work. So I'm kicking myself in the ass. I'm also angry because I feel rushed, because it's my fault I'm rushed.
I feel anxious because I feel rushed. I'm feeling so much right now it's overwhelming which causes me anxiety. It's all a vicious cycle really.
Physically uncomfortable.... I feel this because my muscles are sore from working out with my trainer two days ago and doing yoga yesterday. However, this uncomfortableness is welcomed :) lol Mainly it's because I have to pee, and it's my lucky lady week. So phsyically I feel bloated, yucky, and blah. So it is true the hormones from this could be provoking the feelings of anger and anxiety. Like I said, I'm just exploring this to see where this fucking rabbit hole is going...
Guilt. Why guilt? Because I didn't go grocery shopping and now my cat doesn't have food. :( I can't explain to him that I'll pick some up later. Then I become frustrated because my wallet is two states away including my license and debit/credit cards, so writing a check is my only option which few ppl will take without my license. This guilt quicly turns to anger when he's sitting 2 feet away from me looking at me so sad meowing, but why anger? because I feel so fucking bad. Because if I would have gotten my ass up this morning, and went to the damn grocery store.... I wouldn't feel rushed, I would have had time to walk, and my cat would have had food.
A part of me is wondering why the hell I'm even blogging about this.... I guess because I need to get this shit out. I need to release and let go.... and I type much faster than I write lol... basically boils down to this, THIS is for me, if it helps someone else GREAT if not, that's okay too. ;)
So what now? After idendtifying a PROBLEM... I like to identify a potential SOLUTION...
ugh... I got sidetracked... right now I'm thinking.... make a schedule and stick to it... let's see how that works.
Love & Light
Dottie :)
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Awareness & Willingness
Awareness & willingness. The only two things needed to change something in your life. I sit here void of emotion, which is not uncommon for me. I do have the ability to make myself feel anything I desire, but rarely do my emotions bubble outward beyond my control. I can be happy, mad, grateful, etc at the drop of a hat. I've hit a plateau with my weight, I've hit a peak with my binging and purging, and I drank like a fish 4 days ago. I want to know what's there. What is lurking just under the surface I can feel, but not see yet? It's too close for comfort that's for sure.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Meeting My Body
Good morning!
I'm so happy to be sitting here with my tea and preparing to blog. A very beautiful thing happened during yoga today. I found myself extremely angry when holding the poses, a few tears fell, and all I kept hearing in my head is I'm not feeling very flexible today. I was becoming angry at my body because I could go much farther into the pose just a week or so ago, angry because my mind wouldn't push me through it, and ready to just throw that fucking boppy support pillow acrooss the room. I was telling myself it's okay, sometimes things in yoga come up, but I kept getting more and more pissed. My teacher said to be the observer of any thoughts or emotions that arose... and so I did. I laid my head on the support pillow and asked myself what was really wrong. There was a shift within that moment. I felt a connection to my body open up like never before. I felt guilt because I had been ingesting poisen for 3 days. I thought of my relapse, the Sonic I ate the night before, the Thin Mints I ate and threw up before I drank. I had been very hurtful to my body, and felt guilt. It was like I had hurt my best friend. I apologized and I cried as I sat in my dragon pose.
Upon deeper reflection I discovered a few more things. I had begun to not trust my body. I allowed the impatience of my ego to talk me into taking an amphetemine appetite suppressant (although I had lost almost 50 lbs on my own over the last year simply through diet changes, excercise, yoga, hypnotherapy, and acupuncture) I took the pills knowing all to well what it would do to my body... speed up my heartrate, decrease my sleep, potentially (and likely) to increase my anxiety, deplete my body of potassium because of the potent diuretic that goes along with taking the amphetemine to counter-act the tendencies to raise the HR and BP. Coming from someone who DESPISES taking any kind of pill, this was more than counter-productive. It was a direct blow at my integrity and core beliefs that I have embraced over several years. I justified my actions by telling a couple people I KNEW would tell me it was okay, and keep myself working out and making good food choices. If I continued to do all THAT, then I was only using it as a tool right?! (Please note the sarcasm) Three days before my relapse, I got out of bed and passed out smashing my head on the metal clothes hamper and causing me to go to the hospital... what was the culprit? Severe dehydration.... the cause of the dehydration? The pills I was taking to suppress my appetite. FUCK. I was ashamed, embarrased. I felt hypocritical and unworthy of the love and concern of those who cared about me. Especially when both of them sitting next to me in the ER were shocked and angry.
Since deciding to no longer take the pills, I've spent the last several days sleeping. My body needed rest to re-balance itself out. It was artifical energized for about 5 weeks, and now it was tired. More fully realizing the distress I caused on my body, and energy filled I was filled with anger and sadness. I spent all day Sunday (2 days post collapse) crying and sleeping, by midnight Sun/Mon I was drinking. AFTER I spent a couple hours yelling at the man I'm in love with about how much it hurts that he doesn't love me back (which is TOTAL BS, lol PLEASE see previous blog about Falling in Love With What Is for further clarification on that one!) :)
Love is the only thing that is real and what heals. Love is all there is. God is Love. (With all the being said, and not to go into my whole schpeel on Love) ... I realized on the way home how many of my actions, leading up to this very moment where based upon fear (the OPPOSITE of Love) and not Love. (Fear and Love cannot co-exist, they are opposits of each other, like how in the presence of light, darkness doesn't exist.) ANYWAYS... The decision to get the diet pills in the first place was a fear based decision because I was afraid of the plateau I had hit, and the potential of it causing me to gain a few pounds. My decision to express feelings of pain, longing, and hurt to this man were also out of fear. Fear of me seeing what was REALLY the issue. Along with, my choosing to withold Love from him and myself. Because at this point I was not allowing myself to be my truest nature, which is Love. I was denying myself the allowance to be what I was, thus causing pain and me projecting it onto someone else. I had denied Love the access to healing me on all levels... thus creating a vaccum effect and allowing fear and self-destruction to run rampat and me to drink myself into a stupor. Multiplying the guilt I had already felt for binging and purging on food and putting my body through the amphetemine high and detox. I was spent.
Today is 6 days post collapse. Finally, today I feel balanced and peaceful. So here I sit knowing in my being that there are no mistakes, every event was a stepping stone in bringing me to this moment. Because of what I've put myself through over the last few months, I've develped a closer and keener relationship with my body. I'm excited. Being this in-tune with my body will allow me to instinctively know what my body needs. I can then eat accordingly, and decipher caloric needs from emotional feeding. I'm drinking my Yogi tea (which I've not done because I was to AFRAID of putting anything more energizing into my body) Today, I chose Love. I gave myself permission to feel that which I truly am. I didn't deny myself the Love that will allow me to heal on all levels because of any feelings of guilt, unworthiness, or anger. Those feelings aren't real anyway. They are only an absence of Love, as darkness is an absence of Light. Therefore, just allowing myself to feel Love, all those other feelings dissipate. I forgave myself for hurting myself... for disrupting my energetic balance, for ingesting toxins into my physical body, and for being fallible, being human, because sometimes I like to deny that too.
I laid there in that dragon pose today and was introduced to my body. It was like FINALLY introducing yourself to that new face around the office for almost 6 months, knowing their name, what they do... but never actually MEETING them, never actually introducing yourself. There's like a timid awkwardness to that. Although it IS possible to communicate with that person, it's not through a direct means, and uses more time and energy than necessary. Today, we established a direct connection. Myself and my body. We met, and it was beautiful <3
Namaste'
Dottie
I'm so happy to be sitting here with my tea and preparing to blog. A very beautiful thing happened during yoga today. I found myself extremely angry when holding the poses, a few tears fell, and all I kept hearing in my head is I'm not feeling very flexible today. I was becoming angry at my body because I could go much farther into the pose just a week or so ago, angry because my mind wouldn't push me through it, and ready to just throw that fucking boppy support pillow acrooss the room. I was telling myself it's okay, sometimes things in yoga come up, but I kept getting more and more pissed. My teacher said to be the observer of any thoughts or emotions that arose... and so I did. I laid my head on the support pillow and asked myself what was really wrong. There was a shift within that moment. I felt a connection to my body open up like never before. I felt guilt because I had been ingesting poisen for 3 days. I thought of my relapse, the Sonic I ate the night before, the Thin Mints I ate and threw up before I drank. I had been very hurtful to my body, and felt guilt. It was like I had hurt my best friend. I apologized and I cried as I sat in my dragon pose.
Upon deeper reflection I discovered a few more things. I had begun to not trust my body. I allowed the impatience of my ego to talk me into taking an amphetemine appetite suppressant (although I had lost almost 50 lbs on my own over the last year simply through diet changes, excercise, yoga, hypnotherapy, and acupuncture) I took the pills knowing all to well what it would do to my body... speed up my heartrate, decrease my sleep, potentially (and likely) to increase my anxiety, deplete my body of potassium because of the potent diuretic that goes along with taking the amphetemine to counter-act the tendencies to raise the HR and BP. Coming from someone who DESPISES taking any kind of pill, this was more than counter-productive. It was a direct blow at my integrity and core beliefs that I have embraced over several years. I justified my actions by telling a couple people I KNEW would tell me it was okay, and keep myself working out and making good food choices. If I continued to do all THAT, then I was only using it as a tool right?! (Please note the sarcasm) Three days before my relapse, I got out of bed and passed out smashing my head on the metal clothes hamper and causing me to go to the hospital... what was the culprit? Severe dehydration.... the cause of the dehydration? The pills I was taking to suppress my appetite. FUCK. I was ashamed, embarrased. I felt hypocritical and unworthy of the love and concern of those who cared about me. Especially when both of them sitting next to me in the ER were shocked and angry.
Since deciding to no longer take the pills, I've spent the last several days sleeping. My body needed rest to re-balance itself out. It was artifical energized for about 5 weeks, and now it was tired. More fully realizing the distress I caused on my body, and energy filled I was filled with anger and sadness. I spent all day Sunday (2 days post collapse) crying and sleeping, by midnight Sun/Mon I was drinking. AFTER I spent a couple hours yelling at the man I'm in love with about how much it hurts that he doesn't love me back (which is TOTAL BS, lol PLEASE see previous blog about Falling in Love With What Is for further clarification on that one!) :)
Love is the only thing that is real and what heals. Love is all there is. God is Love. (With all the being said, and not to go into my whole schpeel on Love) ... I realized on the way home how many of my actions, leading up to this very moment where based upon fear (the OPPOSITE of Love) and not Love. (Fear and Love cannot co-exist, they are opposits of each other, like how in the presence of light, darkness doesn't exist.) ANYWAYS... The decision to get the diet pills in the first place was a fear based decision because I was afraid of the plateau I had hit, and the potential of it causing me to gain a few pounds. My decision to express feelings of pain, longing, and hurt to this man were also out of fear. Fear of me seeing what was REALLY the issue. Along with, my choosing to withold Love from him and myself. Because at this point I was not allowing myself to be my truest nature, which is Love. I was denying myself the allowance to be what I was, thus causing pain and me projecting it onto someone else. I had denied Love the access to healing me on all levels... thus creating a vaccum effect and allowing fear and self-destruction to run rampat and me to drink myself into a stupor. Multiplying the guilt I had already felt for binging and purging on food and putting my body through the amphetemine high and detox. I was spent.
Today is 6 days post collapse. Finally, today I feel balanced and peaceful. So here I sit knowing in my being that there are no mistakes, every event was a stepping stone in bringing me to this moment. Because of what I've put myself through over the last few months, I've develped a closer and keener relationship with my body. I'm excited. Being this in-tune with my body will allow me to instinctively know what my body needs. I can then eat accordingly, and decipher caloric needs from emotional feeding. I'm drinking my Yogi tea (which I've not done because I was to AFRAID of putting anything more energizing into my body) Today, I chose Love. I gave myself permission to feel that which I truly am. I didn't deny myself the Love that will allow me to heal on all levels because of any feelings of guilt, unworthiness, or anger. Those feelings aren't real anyway. They are only an absence of Love, as darkness is an absence of Light. Therefore, just allowing myself to feel Love, all those other feelings dissipate. I forgave myself for hurting myself... for disrupting my energetic balance, for ingesting toxins into my physical body, and for being fallible, being human, because sometimes I like to deny that too.
I laid there in that dragon pose today and was introduced to my body. It was like FINALLY introducing yourself to that new face around the office for almost 6 months, knowing their name, what they do... but never actually MEETING them, never actually introducing yourself. There's like a timid awkwardness to that. Although it IS possible to communicate with that person, it's not through a direct means, and uses more time and energy than necessary. Today, we established a direct connection. Myself and my body. We met, and it was beautiful <3
Namaste'
Dottie
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Reflecting Upon Relapse
The truth of what is, will always come forth. It is our resistance of that, which causes the feeling of internal struggle.
How do I feel? Seems to be the question everyone is asking. I feel like I did BEFORE my relapse. Calm, centered, loved, blessed, joyful, grateful... the list goes on. My goals are to remain open and receptive to truth and Love in whichever way it is coming to me. Often in ways I didn't expect it too. In doing so I also open myself to opinions, projections, and perceptions of others. It's like wanting a quarter from each state and 30 people giving me every quarter they have in their pocket. Well, I don't need all of them, I then go through and keep the ones I need, and give the other's away... because those just might be THE quarter that someone else was looking for. I was told last night I need to feel things. I need to feel my dissapointment form my relapse. What if there is no dissappointmen? Yet, we WILL find what we are looking for, so if I spend my time and energy attempting to feel disspointment that may or may not be there.. I will find it... even if it's not associated with my relapse, I could say it is. Denial? No. Not denial. Just total acceptance of a choice I made. I would not tell my best friend to FEEL that pain 2 days after the act. I would say, it's okay... make a different choice today if you'd like. Therefore, that's what I'm telling myself. I have not "lost" anything. I am still a being of Light. Every decision I have ever made has brought me here, to this moment. I am grateful for all that is.
Namaste'
Dottie
How do I feel? Seems to be the question everyone is asking. I feel like I did BEFORE my relapse. Calm, centered, loved, blessed, joyful, grateful... the list goes on. My goals are to remain open and receptive to truth and Love in whichever way it is coming to me. Often in ways I didn't expect it too. In doing so I also open myself to opinions, projections, and perceptions of others. It's like wanting a quarter from each state and 30 people giving me every quarter they have in their pocket. Well, I don't need all of them, I then go through and keep the ones I need, and give the other's away... because those just might be THE quarter that someone else was looking for. I was told last night I need to feel things. I need to feel my dissapointment form my relapse. What if there is no dissappointmen? Yet, we WILL find what we are looking for, so if I spend my time and energy attempting to feel disspointment that may or may not be there.. I will find it... even if it's not associated with my relapse, I could say it is. Denial? No. Not denial. Just total acceptance of a choice I made. I would not tell my best friend to FEEL that pain 2 days after the act. I would say, it's okay... make a different choice today if you'd like. Therefore, that's what I'm telling myself. I have not "lost" anything. I am still a being of Light. Every decision I have ever made has brought me here, to this moment. I am grateful for all that is.
Namaste'
Dottie
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Falling in Love With What Is.
About 7 weeks ago, I decided to totally and completely let go of a relationship I had been yearning for, chasing, and desperately trying to create for the last 8 months. In deciding, I was in love with myself, him, and okay with what was, things shifted so drastically I felt I was watching a movie. I decided that wanting more created a void and fueled a deep rooted thought of "I'm not whole, complete... more is needed to help me feel at peace." Which is so very far from the truth. Within me lies everything I would ever "need" because within me is the Light of God, and that is an all encompassing being. I embodied the thoughts of "if he calls, great, if he doesn't, great" "If I see him fine, if not, that's okay too"... what happens is exactly what is suppose to happen. It wasn't a convincing myself of a lie, it was a ... "this thought brings me deep rooted peace, and this is what I'm going with..." The reality of the situation was this, I cannot make him be or give me more that what he chooses to, my attempts at doing so fester anxiety, anger, and frustration. ALONG WITH, feelings of not being "good enough", failure, and hurt once I relinquish my attempts at shaping him into what I expect or think I want in that moment. Acceptance of what is, and loving that which is, fills my life with the purest form of Love that we all seek in the first place, yet can never be found within another person. It is our own personal brand of Love... all that we are, all that we will be, have been... and all we will ever know and need. The antidote to all that which we percieve as painful. Fostering and adding to this Love and merging it with someone else who has also embraced THEIR own Love, allows both of you to dance within the warmest Light of all thus co-creating a secondary, more powerful, shared Love which transcends that which the mind can understand.
A few days ago I apparently began to impose my hopes (which is a candy-coated expression of fear), my expectations (which no one can ever meet, including myself lol), and my desire to manipulate the situation to bring about what I thought I wanted in that moment. Yesterday, I realized this. So, when we talked about his feelings for her that were developing rapidly I had to spend the next 4 hours siphering through my thoughts, emotions, and beliefs. Because I didn't know how to feel anymore. Shouldn't this hurt me? Does this hurt me? If I'm not hurting does this mean I don't really love him? Have I totally shut down, so I can't feel anything? Am I REALLY happy for him? I'm smiling, I'm not angry at him. What is going on inside of me? I asked myself a hundred or more questions, some difficult to ask, let alone answer, along with my best friend who's not afraid to help me see the truth even if it may hurt. There were no tears, there were no lies, there was no pain. Just open and willing hearts ready to know that which truly is, the reality of the situation based on the simplest, most unmistakable terms.
Which we decided was this... I am in Love with him, yet he is pursuring a relationship with her. I want more that what is willing or able to give me right now.
Many would think how painful of a realization this must have been! Lol, it really wasn't. It was simply the truth. Denying, fighting, or wanting something different than the reality which was this.... is what would have brought me pain. My best friend and I spent the next few hours laughing and loving each other... a mutual sharing of the unique recipe of Love that our friendship creates. I was able to re-choose what I was feeling. I was able to say, I don't want to impose what *I* think is best for him, because I DON'T know what is best for him... doing so has caused me pain, and I don't want to be hurt. I was able to be brought back into a space of awareness and unconditional Love for what is. Including him, myself, and the situaion. There is no level of peace or serenity above that.
At this moment, my heart is filled with joy and Love. I re-read this and wonder if it will even make any sense. I believe it will make perfect sense to those who are ready to hear it. I am grateful and I am Loved.
Namaste'
Dottie
PS- Welcome to my blog ;)
A few days ago I apparently began to impose my hopes (which is a candy-coated expression of fear), my expectations (which no one can ever meet, including myself lol), and my desire to manipulate the situation to bring about what I thought I wanted in that moment. Yesterday, I realized this. So, when we talked about his feelings for her that were developing rapidly I had to spend the next 4 hours siphering through my thoughts, emotions, and beliefs. Because I didn't know how to feel anymore. Shouldn't this hurt me? Does this hurt me? If I'm not hurting does this mean I don't really love him? Have I totally shut down, so I can't feel anything? Am I REALLY happy for him? I'm smiling, I'm not angry at him. What is going on inside of me? I asked myself a hundred or more questions, some difficult to ask, let alone answer, along with my best friend who's not afraid to help me see the truth even if it may hurt. There were no tears, there were no lies, there was no pain. Just open and willing hearts ready to know that which truly is, the reality of the situation based on the simplest, most unmistakable terms.
Which we decided was this... I am in Love with him, yet he is pursuring a relationship with her. I want more that what is willing or able to give me right now.
Many would think how painful of a realization this must have been! Lol, it really wasn't. It was simply the truth. Denying, fighting, or wanting something different than the reality which was this.... is what would have brought me pain. My best friend and I spent the next few hours laughing and loving each other... a mutual sharing of the unique recipe of Love that our friendship creates. I was able to re-choose what I was feeling. I was able to say, I don't want to impose what *I* think is best for him, because I DON'T know what is best for him... doing so has caused me pain, and I don't want to be hurt. I was able to be brought back into a space of awareness and unconditional Love for what is. Including him, myself, and the situaion. There is no level of peace or serenity above that.
At this moment, my heart is filled with joy and Love. I re-read this and wonder if it will even make any sense. I believe it will make perfect sense to those who are ready to hear it. I am grateful and I am Loved.
Namaste'
Dottie
PS- Welcome to my blog ;)
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