Sweet Discomfort

"I am willing to forgive past lovers and release all anger stored in my physical, mental and emotional bodies.  I am willing to release the pain, in exchange for peace."

That is the action step for the Doreen Virtue Angel Oracle Card entitiled "Be Wililng to Forgive."  This was the card brought to me repeatedly last night when I asked questions related to relationships like "What is the purpose of this relationship" or "What do I need to do?" "Where is this going, what can I expect?"  I finally decided okay, lets sit with this a little while, the same card keeps coming up.... what am I not seeing?

I've recited that affirmation probably a hundred times since last night.  I've found there are a few areas I keep getting stuck, I laugh because it's just that pain being resistive.  I breathe, feel Love and compassion for myself and where I am on my path.. and recite it again with a smile.  As of right now, I can say it, and feel those words permeate my being. As I was re-reading this just now, I realized that I am STILL leaving out the word "all" ... "all anger stored in my physical, mental, and emotional bodies." Hmph, interesting. Makes me smile :). This brings into my awareness a small part of me that still wants to hold on to SOME of the pain.  It's okay.  How often do we stick with the painful familiar so not to have to go into the unkown?  I've said thousands of times, all that is needed for transformation is awareness & willingness. I console myself as I would a hurting friend.  I tell myself it's okay, you'll get there, you may not be willing right this second, be when you're ready, you'll know it... and it'll leave before you even realize it's gone :).

How do I feel?  Well, as good as any healing feels.  It's a sweet discomfort.  It's hope within the pain.  As the pain and anger "stored within my physical, mental, and emotional body" leaves... I feel discomfort.  I'm tired. Exausted actually.  I feel as if I didn't even sleep last night.  My throat hurts. I'm expierencing random pains, usually a shooting pain in random areas as the pain leaves such as my left ankle, under my right rib cage, around my shoulders, right hip, now about 3 inches inot my forarm. I've been nauseated most of the day. I'm cracking and popping with every movement. Emotionally, I'm whiney, complaining, angry... there's lots of anger.  My anxiety was higher than it's been in MONTHS... I had to leave the floor at work because I needed to get some air and re-ground myself. I was verging on a panic attack.  My patience was low, and I was told by almost every single patient I didn't look like myself.  Mentally... random thoughts have been coming in and out and in and out... some things make since others don't.

It's beautiful really.  I watch and feel years of pain and anger rise to the surface and leave.  It's about being willing to do whatever it takes.  Willing to see the pain, feel the pain, love the pain, and be willing to let it go when it no longer serves it's purpose.  What I'm going through is often called a "healing crisis" where things get slightly worse before they get better.  It's common really, like when I drug addict withdrawls, or working out to be stronger but hurting like hell the next day or two.  It's going to the bottom of the well to clean out all the mud that's accumulated, causing the once clear water to become dirty. Cleaning the mud allows more room for fresh water to be held. Water that better serves everyone. It gets worse only temporarily, the end result is better than where you began. And sometimes, it make take a few times stirring it all up before you can get out all the dirt.

So with each twinge of pain, each tear, or urge to burst into anger... I'm going to ask myself what it's telling me, what I'm letting go, and breathe. I'm going to breathe into it Love and forgiveness.  I'm going to allow myself to feel this sweet discomfrot and know it's all part of the process.  Once the dirt settles again, there won't be so much at the bottom.  Because that's what I'm doing... healing.  I am forgiving past lovers (and myself) and releasing ALL anger stored within my physical, mental, and emotional bodies. I am releasing the pain, in exchange for peace right now at this very moment. And for that, I am grateful. Thank you All for the awareness and Love. Amen.

Love & Light
Dottie