Four hours ago my Uncle's girlfriend offered a book she felt inclined to give me. She said she thought of me and knew I enjoy reading those kinds of books, but wasn't sure how to bring it up as to not offend me. The book was about trying to make everyone happy. My first thought was yeah, okay I've got some people pleasing tendencies, I might read it. I smiled, and told her it was fine, she didn't offend me and to just bring it on over. It was then I felt that first tinge of uncomfortableness. That little voice that began clearing it's throat before it's scarcastic slurs where to be made. She said, "I know you tend to do that with your mother." I said, "Not so much as with my mother as I do..." and pointed at my Uncle behind a wall so he couldn't see me. We laughed, and as I was walking out the door that little bruised ego voice began... "Who does she think she is? She doesn't know me. If I wanted her input on MY life I would have asked for it. I've never went to her for anything. I can't STAND for ppl to give there opinions without my asking... etc." The anger directed towards her began to grow, the anger directed towards me began to grow (because deep down I felt let her get to me < please note the sarcasm) The guilt began creeping in because I knew in my heart she was only acting out of Love, so how come I couldn't just see that and get the fuck over being angry?!?!? I talked to one person about it, and that person said I had every right to feel that way, they couldnt' stand for ppl to throw in their two cents either. I knew the issue was deeper, I just didn't know what it was yet.
For the past four hours, I've admitted to myself and someone else my feelings. I sat and asked myself what was I REALLY feeling, and why. I have myself permission to feel angry without judgement. With the trust that the true fire that burned this anger would be revealed. Because when I feel confusion it's because my reality doesn't match the truth. < WOW. I can't believe I just typed that. Amazing. I think that is a very true statement that just came from my subconcious. Anyways, after four hours... I've found my answer because under the anger there is hurt, and under the hurt there is Love, always Love.
I do not feel worthy of all that my Uncle does for me. Typing that brings tears to my eyes. For five years, I've watched him give to me and give to me, only asking that I use this oppurtunity to save money, and I can't even do that. The guilt I feel is tremendous. So, anytime I have the oppurtunity to do something for him that I CAN do... I do it. There's nothing I wouldn't do for him. I've changed my plans at the drop of a hat, missed a good friends bridal shower, been late for work, changed my routine.... the list is endless. Because I feel SO much guilt about not beign able to save money, I will do anything else to try and show him that I DO appreciate all he does. I feel like I could go my entire life and never repay him for all he has done. Everytime I spend a dime I think about my Uncle. I'm frustrated because I KNOW it's got to be much simpler than I'm making it, yet I can't seem to do it. I can't seem to save a grand for the life of me right now. I'm ashamed. I don't want him to know. I hide things from him because I don't want him to be disappointed in me, I don't want him angry at me, I don't want ot let him down. I want to leave, but not because I'm unhappy, but because I feel like I'm not utilizing this oppurtunity as I should, so why waste his time, energy, and money? I never feel any anger towards him, ever. It's always fear. Fear of upsetting him, fear of not living up to the expecatiosn he has of me, because I feel like I should give him that. All he has given me???? I should ATLEAST be able to live up to the expecations he has of me. As usual, I laugh about this situations because deep down it's knawing at my soul. He's so sick of hearing "I'm trying" and I'm sick of saying it.... but I am. Then I'm like there's no trying, either I am or I'm not.... I'm not. I'm not saving money, I'm not taking full advantage orf such a blessing that may never come again.... then I get angry at myself. What the fuck is wrong with me? People are loosing there homes, and would LOVE to be in my situation, yet I can't save a fucking dime. So what is it I feel? Anger, Shame, guilt, disappointment, fear. Seems so simple... SAVE MONEY. I have the funds to do so, but not the knowledge. Someone please fucking help me! HELP ME! Somebody show me. Then I get angry at my mother, becauuse when it comes to money I'm so much like her it makes me sick. And I used to become irate over her finances, and here I am, being her. I don't wanna be her. It's like a web. It keeps going backwards. His girlfriend offerend to show me how she does it ... maybe next pay period I'll take her up on it.
The subconcious thought that sparked the anger was what?! You're telling me I shouldn't spend so much energy trying to make him happy with me? All he does for me? What do you want me to walk around like I don't give a fuck? To be like yeah, thanks, what the fuck ever. NO. He wants me to clean windows, or take out the trash, or help him move the tiki hut, or pick him up antacids I'm gonna do it! Because that is the VERY LEAST I can do! And he can do whatever he wants... he can open my mail, stay on my ass, and ask me to do whatever he wants. The guilt I feel won't allow me to feel any anger when it comes to him. Just Love, because thats all I know. He washed all my clothes over the weekend. He didn't ahve to do that. I felt guilty. I brainstormed... what can I do to give back to him? I feel like I could spend my whole life trying to "repay" him and never succeed. My gratitude is beyond words. I wonder what I've done to have such a blessing? The tears are falling. That's good. I hear they cleanse the soul :) ... All I have to do is save money. It's simple I know... me doing it is difficult.
I'm sorry Uncle Keith. I love you and thank you. We both know I wouldn't be where I am without you, and I won't be where I'm going if I wouldnt' have been here.
God please help me to release these fears, and help me to save money... amen.
Love & Light
Dottie
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