Love & Ancillary Choices

Good morning :)

I have spent time contemplating mny things lately.  Much thought/feeling has been giving to how do I REALLY feel inside, what does my heart want? In what ways am I remaining true to myself, and in what ways am I not? And if I'm not, then how can I go back to being true to myself? Who am I? Who do I want to be? Is what I want to be who I am? And can it change if I choose to do so? I've contemplated recovery, beliefs, and choices.

I just saw the word "labels" at the bottom of my blog box.  My first thought was how often to we have to label things?  Label ourselves, good or bad, alcoholic or normal drinker, extrovert or introvert, feminime or masculine, fighter or lover? The list goes on. At any given moment I have the capacity to go within and embrace any number of these qualities.  If I feel I need strength, then I go within and find my strength, if I feel I need to be more extroverted then I go within and find THAT quality of myself.

What does my heart tell me? That I am Love, and anything beyond that is simply an ancillary choice.

As far as my recovery goes and being true to myself I've decided that I have been fighting the 12 steps for almost a year.  In the beginning I thought it was a bad thing, yet I stepped out on faith away from the AA meetings and decided to continue working the 12 steps.  I've been doing that, and find myself sincerly wanting away from the 12 steps. Just before I "left AA" I sat at the bar for almost 3 hours sincerely trying to drink. I left sober and super pissed. I realized later, that was me wanting OUT.  It had served it's purpose.

In my heart there is no desire to continue working the 12 steps or attend any kind of recovery meeting.  There is no anger, but peace. True peace and gratitiude. I feel I have gotten so much out of the last 2 and a half years, but it no longer plays the role it used to and hasn't for a long time now.  Fighting to cling to a program that doesn't resonate with my soul has taken away from my serenity.  I have an addictive personality, that I believe. Yes, I wonder if I didn't believe that if it would be true, but for serenity's sake, I agree and accept that I have an addictive personality. Which to me means that I have to maintain a state of awareness and balance. For me... food, the casino, sex, booze, self destruction, it is all the same for me. My extremeist attitude caused me to go from drinking 5 days a week to NOTHING, not a drop. So much of my energy was spent in refraining from that. I just want to live. I want to BE. I am. Change is coming, a lot of change, but it's okay. I like change. I'm ready for change. There is no fear right now, excitement, stillness.... peace.... my breathe is light. I wish I could rely in words what I feel right now.

Love & Light
Dottie