A Release

Ah, the peaceful embrace of the night.  There was a time I was so afraid of the dark.  I never knew why. I wasn't afraid of someone breaking in or anything like that, I was simply afraid of the dark and what I could sense but not see.  I wasn't until I decided to go within and face my deepest fears, wahtever they were, I was ready.  I spent an entire weekend up north at a bed and breakfast on the lake by myself.  No phone, No Tv, and I journaled. I prayed and meditated, and faced whatever "demons" I had still lurking in the darkest depths of my soul. And now, I'm no longer afraid of the dark. It was pretty fascinating when I realized I wasn't afraid anymore. I mean I used to be so terrified I would sleep with a light now, like a LAMP light, lol. But not anymore.  I think what I was afraid of was my OWN darkness, that part of me I refused to see, feel, and love. ANYWAYS.... that wasn't suppose to be what this blog is about. :) Moving on....

I've felt more lost over the last few days than I've felt in a very long time.  Like much of what I've believed, felt, saught, became, had, and was ... was slowly being stripped away, and I left bare to the world. Vunerable. Completely lost. Questioning every single thought, action, word, belief... feeling that every other sentence was a contradiction to the one before it, leading me down yet another rabbit hole.  I fought it at first, fearful. I prayed and asked God to bring me closer to him, because I felt that I could no longer FEEL the presence of him or the Angels. I wondered if I was so used to them being around I was used to the vibration, or wondered if I had allowed my ego to seperate me from that which is all I am.

I came to the conclusion tonight as I walked along the dark sidewalk with beautiful music filling every cell of my brain... that much WAS leaving.  I had been praying for release from that which hinders my growth for weeks, and then I'm SUPRISED when I feel that things are being taken away? lol And by things I mean just the feeling of loosing something, of being without, scared, unprotected. My prayers were being answered. For the first time in days I breathed a deep breath and felt the presence of God, not as fully as I have before, but more than what I had in a while. I felt in the core of my being to just breathe. That's it. Breathe into that feeling, melt into that feeling, and trust that whatever is happening is for my highest good and those around me. Because it is. Every moment. I was able to reach back into that peace that resides inside of me. I smiled. It was beautiful.

I had a brief thought about going to a midnight AA meeting before all this happened. I thought about how I had always said I DO go when I feel like I"m suppose to be there.  It was a repitive thought, but there was no peace with it. I have been repelled by the 12 steps for almost a year now. Do I understand it? No. Did I drink once, yes.... but for whatever reason, the thought of embracing the twelve steps as I did before does not add to my serenity. Yet I thoguht to go there tonight. I was confused. Yet I was not feeling it in my heart or gut, that I needed to be there.... then I realized that was me resorting back to what I know. Anytime we feel scared, lost, vunerable, we wish to go back to our "safe place." What we know. I know those tables, and those steps like the back of my hand, and feeling as lost as I did in that moment, I yearned for that comradarie, that feeling of saying the Lord's prayer with other people who had shared many of my expierences and feelings.... yet, I was not at peace about going there. I felt it would be a step backwards, which probably makes little sense. Sure it would be easy and safe for me to go to those tables and say "My name is Dottie, and I'm an alcoholic" but would I believe it? No. Would I feel it within my being? No. "Fake it till you make it?" <- That's convincing yourslef of something. What about how one REALLY feels? Everything just seems to contradict each other right now. But this is were I step out on faith, there are no mistakes.

Our beliefs, are our choice. What we think will work for us will, what we embrace becomes us. I've put everything I've ever believed, felt, thought, and said onto a table... I want to know who I am, what I am, who I want to be. We can be whoever we WANT to be, but who do I WANT to be? That's the question. We spend our entire lives creating this person we want to be. I am no different. I am angery right now, just now I can feel it rising to the surface. God, please walk with me and show me where you want me to go.... and show me what you want me to take. I feel empty, and lost. May it be because that which no longer serves me highest purpose is gone, and there is more room for your Love to fill my being...

Love & Light
Dottie