Christianity Isn't About Self-Actualization?

I read a lot of articles. Today I read an article written by a university president regarding one students perception of a sermon received on campus. Honestly, I liked the article. I would agree and offer elaboration on the subject, but that is not the purpose of this particular piece.

"The primary objective of the Church and the Christian faith is your confession, not your self actualization." 

This statement literally stopped the air from moving in and out of my body and not in a good way. I thought, Oh my God, how repressing. I heard, "Let us focus on your faults. Let us have you focus on your faults instead of your Light and weaken your sense of self." Wow, that's not terrifying at all, that makes me want to run to the nearest church and sign up! (Please note the sarcasm) No "self-actualization?" That's like saying, to me anyways, "We don't want you to know who you are, so we can tell you who you are and you won't question us." That statement blew my mind, for a lack of a more eloquent description. This is in no way an attack on Christianity or this writer, just a statement that provoked thought within me, that will probably provoke conversation. It became apparent to me in that statement how easily it is to subconsciously create the very thing we are opposing or unknowingly separate ourselves. I recoiled from Christianity in that moment as if I had touched a hot stove. How are we to know God if we do not know ourselves? How are we to guide and serve others if we are still searching for ourselves? How are we to spread joy and truly feel God within our hearts if our hearts are surrounded by fear and guilt and shame? It's so simple, if God is Love, why aren't we focusing on that? Seeking to understand, seeking to connect and support our fellow humans? If God loves each and every one of us, then what are we trying to prove? 

With Grace & Gratitude...

Transformation Continues...

It is one of the most quiet and still nights I've seen in a very long time. Aside from my occasional sniffle that started this morning, the day before I board a plane for Salem, MA. I've been having trouble sleeping the last 3 nights at least.  Struggling to feel tired. A part of me wants to go sit in the living room and blog, but this room, "my office", is by far my most favorite place in this house. There is something incredible about these old hardwood floors under my feet and open space behind me, still small enough to feel intimate and safe.

Let it all go.

There's my quote. The divine message that has been coming to and fro within my consciousness. My usual beginning. Let it ALL go. That's more what it sounds like when in resonates within my psyche. The anger. I'm letting go of the anger I've held associated with a certain of my relationship. I'm letting go of the anger I've held associated with my present physical body weight, shifting my focus. There is healing happening. I can feel it. Something inside of me whispering to be patient, be quiet. Be still and be brave. Just breathe. Move through it, steadily, gracefully. Keep moving. Breathing into those spaces I have long ignored. Asking only for clarity and next right action. A surrender I have yet to feel until now. Letting it all go. What does that feel like? A long awaited permissive allowing. Control your anger; restrain your impulses; keep your faith firm. This still applies. So very, very quiet.

With Grace & Gratitude...

With Grace

For those of you who don't know, I'm a Hospice nurse. And although I said this is were I'd be at the end of my career, God had another plan. Last winter I had the son of a patient who had just taken her last breath ask me, "How do you do this work day in and day out?" without thought or hesitation I said, "with grace." The response alone shifted something inside of me, as if it didn't even come from me. It was absolutely true, and I knew it.

That is how I do this work, day in and day out. I really do love it. There is something beautiful about being there for someone or multiple someones during such a delicate time. Grace implies fluidity, calm, and simply being present. With that being said... the other night I had a patient that required visits every 2 hours. He was 30 minutes from my house, so it seemed pointless to drive back and forth. 30 minutes in the visit, 30 minutes home, that's only 30 min at home until I needed to drive back. Not gonna lie, I bitched. I spent the first few hours of my shift dreading & bitching. I wasn't going to get ANY sleep! Can't we break the visits up with someone else? What am I going to do between visits? Not much grace in that. Between 12:30 and 7:30am I spent all but about an hour with that family. I sat next to his bed, listening to him breathe, which was the only thing he was doing at this point, and watched a movie with his daughter. I gave his medicine every hour on the dot, then every 30 min. His 80 year old wife was finally asleep after 3 days of being at his bedside, and I sat there in the stillness waiting to know when to wake her so she could be there when he took his last breath. Fifty minutes after something nudged me and said it was time, she held her husband as he did just that with their children and his brother beside him. Sometimes, you can't help but to cry with them. It changes you. 

It never fails, when you are exactly where God wants you to be, you have everything you need. I wasn't tired, I wasn't anxious or trying to leave, and I wasn't even remotely bitter for having to be there. I wanted to be there. The families are always so very grateful. It's obvious that you have helped ease their pain in some way. I've always said I do my best work here, at the end of their life. Where the two worlds meet. Where someone in my care lingers between life and death and their loved ones are caught in the middle. It is here that nothing but grace flows through me and I simply serve. What an honor to be part of such an intimate moment in someone's journey.

To those moments when you know you are exactly where you are suppose to be and posses the willingness to be there. 

With Grace & Gratitude...

Rich Awareness

"It was then that I learned to let go, it is now I truly believe" a painting called awakening that is now hanging above my bed.

"Peoples forced reflection by the suffering of loss"

It is one thing to have a goal. It's okay to have goals and dreams, but it's the understanding and acceptance from the moment that goal is created that it may or may not happen.

"Today seemed chocked full of lessons, signs, answers and bits of guidance if we were aware enough to catch it..." My text to J... her response... "Ditto."

The song I cannot currently get enough of, Ryan Starr's "We might fall"

"We know what we are, but not what we may be..." The ring I bought today which I absolutely LOVE.

The realization on my way home that for the first time, J and I may or may not work. I don't know, it's okay not to know. Be honest with myself about what I want, I want to be with her, but you know what... it may or may not happen and that's okay.

"And if you didn't know you hurt your momma's feelings she's been crying." - a message from my cousin. I do know, am I responsible for her feelings? She's not willing to talk about them, and leaving was what truly felt best for me to do, there is no regret or shame. I would have rather spent the day here, with J at the art fair. This was were I was suppose to be, I'm sure of it, otherwise... I wouldn't have been here.

Control came up a few times... then my thoughts where, if I believe I have control issues and affirm that wihtout taking action or also viewing a resolution or healing in progress, I will only amplify them.


Symbolism. Parallel's. Love. Healing. Passion. Honesty. Awareness. Sharing.

"If the Buddha got stuck" is rocking my world right now.

Today was rich. It's time to sleep and allow it all to sink in to the very core of my being, beyond and without the filter of my conscious mind....

Love & Light
Dottie

A Release

Ah, the peaceful embrace of the night.  There was a time I was so afraid of the dark.  I never knew why. I wasn't afraid of someone breaking in or anything like that, I was simply afraid of the dark and what I could sense but not see.  I wasn't until I decided to go within and face my deepest fears, wahtever they were, I was ready.  I spent an entire weekend up north at a bed and breakfast on the lake by myself.  No phone, No Tv, and I journaled. I prayed and meditated, and faced whatever "demons" I had still lurking in the darkest depths of my soul. And now, I'm no longer afraid of the dark. It was pretty fascinating when I realized I wasn't afraid anymore. I mean I used to be so terrified I would sleep with a light now, like a LAMP light, lol. But not anymore.  I think what I was afraid of was my OWN darkness, that part of me I refused to see, feel, and love. ANYWAYS.... that wasn't suppose to be what this blog is about. :) Moving on....

I've felt more lost over the last few days than I've felt in a very long time.  Like much of what I've believed, felt, saught, became, had, and was ... was slowly being stripped away, and I left bare to the world. Vunerable. Completely lost. Questioning every single thought, action, word, belief... feeling that every other sentence was a contradiction to the one before it, leading me down yet another rabbit hole.  I fought it at first, fearful. I prayed and asked God to bring me closer to him, because I felt that I could no longer FEEL the presence of him or the Angels. I wondered if I was so used to them being around I was used to the vibration, or wondered if I had allowed my ego to seperate me from that which is all I am.

I came to the conclusion tonight as I walked along the dark sidewalk with beautiful music filling every cell of my brain... that much WAS leaving.  I had been praying for release from that which hinders my growth for weeks, and then I'm SUPRISED when I feel that things are being taken away? lol And by things I mean just the feeling of loosing something, of being without, scared, unprotected. My prayers were being answered. For the first time in days I breathed a deep breath and felt the presence of God, not as fully as I have before, but more than what I had in a while. I felt in the core of my being to just breathe. That's it. Breathe into that feeling, melt into that feeling, and trust that whatever is happening is for my highest good and those around me. Because it is. Every moment. I was able to reach back into that peace that resides inside of me. I smiled. It was beautiful.

I had a brief thought about going to a midnight AA meeting before all this happened. I thought about how I had always said I DO go when I feel like I"m suppose to be there.  It was a repitive thought, but there was no peace with it. I have been repelled by the 12 steps for almost a year now. Do I understand it? No. Did I drink once, yes.... but for whatever reason, the thought of embracing the twelve steps as I did before does not add to my serenity. Yet I thoguht to go there tonight. I was confused. Yet I was not feeling it in my heart or gut, that I needed to be there.... then I realized that was me resorting back to what I know. Anytime we feel scared, lost, vunerable, we wish to go back to our "safe place." What we know. I know those tables, and those steps like the back of my hand, and feeling as lost as I did in that moment, I yearned for that comradarie, that feeling of saying the Lord's prayer with other people who had shared many of my expierences and feelings.... yet, I was not at peace about going there. I felt it would be a step backwards, which probably makes little sense. Sure it would be easy and safe for me to go to those tables and say "My name is Dottie, and I'm an alcoholic" but would I believe it? No. Would I feel it within my being? No. "Fake it till you make it?" <- That's convincing yourslef of something. What about how one REALLY feels? Everything just seems to contradict each other right now. But this is were I step out on faith, there are no mistakes.

Our beliefs, are our choice. What we think will work for us will, what we embrace becomes us. I've put everything I've ever believed, felt, thought, and said onto a table... I want to know who I am, what I am, who I want to be. We can be whoever we WANT to be, but who do I WANT to be? That's the question. We spend our entire lives creating this person we want to be. I am no different. I am angery right now, just now I can feel it rising to the surface. God, please walk with me and show me where you want me to go.... and show me what you want me to take. I feel empty, and lost. May it be because that which no longer serves me highest purpose is gone, and there is more room for your Love to fill my being...

Love & Light
Dottie