Well, Good Morning, Anger. Tell Me, How Do You Like Your Eggs?

If I'm going to miss yoga today in the name of anger, I'm at least going to make it productive. I'm at-least going to use that time and do something I am proud of, act in a way which promotes self-control, self-confidence, and mirrors the values I believe in most such as love, forgiveness, and letting go.

I'm angry this morning. I woke up angry about a conversation had last night before bed. I don't like being mis-understood. I italicize that because it's not a new revelation, but an old understanding, newly put into words. It's roots are buried in my childhood, it's details not necessary here.

I'm missing yoga because I'm angry. Every time I say that, it lights my energy a bit. Because, it's funny. It's preposterous actually. Let me be angry about something I can't control, and give up something I can. Let me in essence hurt myself by denying myself something which would contribute to the greater goodness by promoting peace and health and well-being. Let me deny myself something I've wanted to do for a couple days because she made me angry. Why? Not why did she make me angry but why am I giving it up? So I can blame her later? And give me more reason to be angry and resentful because she voiced her own feelings? To indirectly punish myself? But why? Because I felt an unwanted emotion?

This is why I'm here now. Because all of this is preposterous, and it's my shit. Because I was sitting with it as I often attempt to do and in between the fleeting thoughts of sleeping, eating, or getting off... I asked what am I suppose to do with this anger? And I hear, let it go. Simple as that. What else are you suppose to do with it? *sigh. Of course. A deeper understanding that "talking" about it, or arguing with her is simply throwing my shit onto her. It's not fair, and it's Sunday. Nobody likes to argue on Sunday. Nobody really likes to argue with the person they love ever. So here I am, If I want different results, I must do different things, so instead of "talking" about things the moment she approaches me just after waking up and starting her day off yelling at her... I am here. I kept my mouth shut and consciously reminded myself to breathe. Already I feel better. And her day started off okay. Why? Because I love her, and I love myself. Because I want us to create positive memories each day and not take them for granted. Because her happiness is important to me. So, I let go. Well mostly. I'm going to "yoga" in my chair once I shut this screen and allow myself to breath deep and release it entirely from my system, from this moment, and from my life. So that next time anger arises, it will not be caring twice what it should.

I can only hope to find myself in a familiar space next time...lotus position in chair, breathing, and working my shit out instead of throwing it onto her or pulling it down and storing it within my physical body as excess weight or sickness. Letting go. Anger will come again one day, and that's okay, how grateful I am to be here now. It's a practice, as always.

As I side note, looking down at the clock... I could probably make it to yoga right now if I chose to go. But this moment feels pretty nice, I'd like to enjoy it while it's here.

With Grace & Gratitude...

When in Darkness

"It will but I think it's always a good idea to have a week or so between jobs to fully disconnect and really be ready for the new job. We need time for grieving and letting go, time for transition."

"Ohhhh your such a hospice nurse...lmao"

That was very hospice nurse like me wasn't it? Transition. Letting go. Or was it very cycle of life? The death and rebirth. I loved hospice. I spent two and a half years of my life helping people transition from this world to the next. Holding hands, making judgement calls, and walking families down a road no one wished to travel. I was the after-hours hospice nurse, and it was the inevitable; the part of life we don't look forward too, and yet I did it with honor and grace, and I loved it. I also love silence and stillness. Should I be surprised I'm awake now? Here at 3:23 am, when the world seems her quietest. They call this the witching hour, I'll admit, I have seen many strange things happen at this hour and many times I've refused to be asleep and/or  in the dark. The dark has always frightened me a bit. I'm almost 30, and when I sleep alone I almost always find myself a night light somewhere.

I'm in intuitive. I posses the ability to feel, hear, and communicate with spirits on the other side. So I'm not sure if it's that or my wild imagination that most frighten me when I'm alone in the dark. Fear heightens the sympathetic nervous system and every sense becomes magnified. I'm energized, awake, and every tiny movement is picked up by my sensitivities. Or is it that it's 3 a.m. and the distractions of the world are at their lowest? The invisible energetic fog has died down and my natural intuitive abilities more easily pick up on things unseen?  Did I watch too many scary movies as a child? or have I seen my own darkness so deeply, I know what getting lost in it does for the soul, and therefore I tread lightly, always keeping my eye on the Light?

I'm not sure. But I do know that not too long ago, I read somewhere that when we get woken up in the middle of the night to not allow ourselves to be angry or frustrated but to be open to the messages the night may be bringing to us, and maybe that's what I'm doing now. Tonight I was guided to explore and examine my shadow, I was told there would be enough Light to see, and answers would be revealed. It's a fine line of discernment I think. Things shift in the dark. My intention is not to be metaphorical because I have a very real fear of being alone in the dark. But is it possible this is symbolic of something more? Something deeper, that my conscious mind has yet to grasp? Absolutely. The Light never seems as urgent as when I am surrounded by darkness. What am I missing by reaching for light in fear instead of sitting still in the darkness in faith?

With Grace & Gratitude...

My Sleepy Stretch & Cleansing Breath

This is my life. These days and nights, most recently filled with Netflix's top pick's and some form of nasal decongestant and acetaminophen. I have a cold, or a cold has me rather. It's Tuesday and feels like a Sunday, The past 5  days have run together forming a blur and haze of NyQuil hangovers and still watery eyes. I can almost enjoy the day. If I didn't know it was March, I might think it was fall. The leaves from last years un-kept yards are blowing across the road and the trees are naked, hard to tell if it is a fresh nakedness or not. 

I came into this year exuberant. There was sense of preparing to be propelled into something I had been waiting for. I thought it was my writing. I had begun the researching part of my nature, I was looking up writing jobs, preparing a writing resume, looking to change my day job to something that could be more supportive of my writing career. Books. I had been reading books about writing! That's what I do to prepare myself for something unknown. I gather information. Sometimes it's useful then, others, it becomes useful years down the road. I've always found it useful at some point. This is where I have always felt my passion and my purpose lay dormant, within my words... ideas, philosophies, experiences, stories. I share it because I love to know other peoples ideas, philosophies, experiences and stories. How else are we to relate to one another?

It's still March. And it would still be hard to tell if I didn't know it to be true. My only desire or mantra for the year was to remain open and really slow down and enjoy this year. I wished only to remain open to whatever life brought to me and enjoy each day, So even though it doesn't seem that this year will be all about my writing as I had thought, I have seen some big changes already in my personal and professional life and watched the year take it's time. My nursing career has shifted. I've take on a management role and spent time fulling embracing that and using every day as a learning opportunity. We underestimate the effect we can have on people in a more powerful role. It's important to remember that everyday people are looking to us for answers and for guidance. Also, I'm beginning to feel old. Not old in the sense of everything being downhill from here but old as in.. no longer a child. No longer the student. (Although I think it's important to always be open to learning). I feel grown. It's odd. I noticed it really about a year ago. I always wondered what it would be like to feel grown, and if I every would. But you do. When you see kids who are graduating highschool and you realize you aren't 18 anymore. You look at your friends, and they are all buying houses and raising kids, and maintaining careers. It feels good, I can't complain. I have found myself reflecting on what it must have been like to by my immediate supervisor when I was younger. When I was fresh out of nursing school, cocky, and had about a 1.5 second attention span. I would have wanted to punch me in the face.

So there it is, my moving of my rusty gears. My getting going of my dusty thoughts and cold fingers. My sleepy stretch and cleansing breath. 

With Grace & Gratitude...