If I'm going to miss yoga today in the name of anger, I'm at least going to make it productive. I'm at-least going to use that time and do something I am proud of, act in a way which promotes self-control, self-confidence, and mirrors the values I believe in most such as love, forgiveness, and letting go.
I'm angry this morning. I woke up angry about a conversation had last night before bed. I don't like being mis-understood. I italicize that because it's not a new revelation, but an old understanding, newly put into words. It's roots are buried in my childhood, it's details not necessary here.
I'm missing yoga because I'm angry. Every time I say that, it lights my energy a bit. Because, it's funny. It's preposterous actually. Let me be angry about something I can't control, and give up something I can. Let me in essence hurt myself by denying myself something which would contribute to the greater goodness by promoting peace and health and well-being. Let me deny myself something I've wanted to do for a couple days because she made me angry. Why? Not why did she make me angry but why am I giving it up? So I can blame her later? And give me more reason to be angry and resentful because she voiced her own feelings? To indirectly punish myself? But why? Because I felt an unwanted emotion?
This is why I'm here now. Because all of this is preposterous, and it's my shit. Because I was sitting with it as I often attempt to do and in between the fleeting thoughts of sleeping, eating, or getting off... I asked what am I suppose to do with this anger? And I hear, let it go. Simple as that. What else are you suppose to do with it? *sigh. Of course. A deeper understanding that "talking" about it, or arguing with her is simply throwing my shit onto her. It's not fair, and it's Sunday. Nobody likes to argue on Sunday. Nobody really likes to argue with the person they love ever. So here I am, If I want different results, I must do different things, so instead of "talking" about things the moment she approaches me just after waking up and starting her day off yelling at her... I am here. I kept my mouth shut and consciously reminded myself to breathe. Already I feel better. And her day started off okay. Why? Because I love her, and I love myself. Because I want us to create positive memories each day and not take them for granted. Because her happiness is important to me. So, I let go. Well mostly. I'm going to "yoga" in my chair once I shut this screen and allow myself to breath deep and release it entirely from my system, from this moment, and from my life. So that next time anger arises, it will not be caring twice what it should.
I can only hope to find myself in a familiar space next time...lotus position in chair, breathing, and working my shit out instead of throwing it onto her or pulling it down and storing it within my physical body as excess weight or sickness. Letting go. Anger will come again one day, and that's okay, how grateful I am to be here now. It's a practice, as always.
As I side note, looking down at the clock... I could probably make it to yoga right now if I chose to go. But this moment feels pretty nice, I'd like to enjoy it while it's here.
With Grace & Gratitude...
No comments:
Post a Comment