Big Picture Viewing

 "Let go of your body, let go of the blame."

I heard that this morning as I was walking to the bathroom after my alarm. I'm always fascinated with how the Universe orchestrates things to work on those lower vibrating aspects of ourselves. Those parts of us that slow us down and keep us from our true hearts desire and our highest path. 

My career in real estate has challenged the most stubborn parts of myself - procrastination, negotiating without me ultimately telling people to go fuck themselves, patience, following through, putting myself out there for rejection, my tendency to find someone or something to blame for why things happen, letting go in general, and I'm sure there is more. These are just the ones I'm dealing with this morning. It illuminates those deeper, real-human aspects of myself that are quite easy to forget about when I'm zen-ing out in my BYLC office with essential oils in my reiki zone. 

Often people ask me, why real estate? My answer is always - it sounded fun, I always wanted to do it. I was tired of nursing. If  I'm really honest, though, subconsciously it was to help me grow as a person, just as every other experience in our life is meant to do. Big picture viewing is like riding up in a hot air balloon (which is ironically the RE/MAX mascot) - it feels difficult and scary on the way up, but once we're at the top everything looks and feels quiet and peaceful. We're reminded of our smallness and how our piece of the puzzle touches so many other pieces. Big picture viewing feels whole. It invokes a sense of trust, surrender, and peace. At-least for me it does. 

It's been 45 minutes since I stood in the middle of Walgreens trying my best not to scream "FUCK!" with my eyebrow pencil and deodorant tucked under my arm. 

I wanted to blame myself. I wanted to feel sorry for myself and remind myself of all the ways I fail the people I care about with total disregard to whether that is actually true or not. I wanted to apologize profusely and panic. Instead, I decided reflect on my recent reading of Jen Sincero's, "You Are a Badass" and figure out what I actions I could take right now. So, I cancelled yoga (and had to release ill feelings about that, too) and came home to talk to my buyers and re-write this damn contract. 

The truth is, I believe everything works out just as it is suppose to. I also believe there is always good good in every situation. I don't know if those are universal truths or true for me because I believe it to be so. Either way it doesn't matter. I'm grateful for this moment and the fact that I'm sitting here in a much better headspace than I was, now, 75 minutes ago without ruminating about what I could have done differently or being angry at myself for things that could have quite possibly been entirely out of my control anyways. 

With Grace & Gratitude...

Well, Good Morning, Anger. Tell Me, How Do You Like Your Eggs?

If I'm going to miss yoga today in the name of anger, I'm at least going to make it productive. I'm at-least going to use that time and do something I am proud of, act in a way which promotes self-control, self-confidence, and mirrors the values I believe in most such as love, forgiveness, and letting go.

I'm angry this morning. I woke up angry about a conversation had last night before bed. I don't like being mis-understood. I italicize that because it's not a new revelation, but an old understanding, newly put into words. It's roots are buried in my childhood, it's details not necessary here.

I'm missing yoga because I'm angry. Every time I say that, it lights my energy a bit. Because, it's funny. It's preposterous actually. Let me be angry about something I can't control, and give up something I can. Let me in essence hurt myself by denying myself something which would contribute to the greater goodness by promoting peace and health and well-being. Let me deny myself something I've wanted to do for a couple days because she made me angry. Why? Not why did she make me angry but why am I giving it up? So I can blame her later? And give me more reason to be angry and resentful because she voiced her own feelings? To indirectly punish myself? But why? Because I felt an unwanted emotion?

This is why I'm here now. Because all of this is preposterous, and it's my shit. Because I was sitting with it as I often attempt to do and in between the fleeting thoughts of sleeping, eating, or getting off... I asked what am I suppose to do with this anger? And I hear, let it go. Simple as that. What else are you suppose to do with it? *sigh. Of course. A deeper understanding that "talking" about it, or arguing with her is simply throwing my shit onto her. It's not fair, and it's Sunday. Nobody likes to argue on Sunday. Nobody really likes to argue with the person they love ever. So here I am, If I want different results, I must do different things, so instead of "talking" about things the moment she approaches me just after waking up and starting her day off yelling at her... I am here. I kept my mouth shut and consciously reminded myself to breathe. Already I feel better. And her day started off okay. Why? Because I love her, and I love myself. Because I want us to create positive memories each day and not take them for granted. Because her happiness is important to me. So, I let go. Well mostly. I'm going to "yoga" in my chair once I shut this screen and allow myself to breath deep and release it entirely from my system, from this moment, and from my life. So that next time anger arises, it will not be caring twice what it should.

I can only hope to find myself in a familiar space next time...lotus position in chair, breathing, and working my shit out instead of throwing it onto her or pulling it down and storing it within my physical body as excess weight or sickness. Letting go. Anger will come again one day, and that's okay, how grateful I am to be here now. It's a practice, as always.

As I side note, looking down at the clock... I could probably make it to yoga right now if I chose to go. But this moment feels pretty nice, I'd like to enjoy it while it's here.

With Grace & Gratitude...

And the Journey Continues

I have been angry for days. Which might have peaked last night when the dog woke us up only 3 hours after being in bed to go outside. I let him out JUST BEFORE BED, to prevent this kind of situation. I can't even say I wasn't in the mood to deal with him, because I never am. After attempting to ignore his pawing at the side of the bed and whining, I yelled "fucking goddamn dog!" as I crawled out of bed swearing if he ran off again this time I was locking him out all night. Anger. I know it all to well.

I will be the first to tell you, I don't handle anger well, and after reading through old blogs ABOUT anger for the last 30min from over the last 4 years, the general consensus seems to be that I'm afraid of my anger, of what I will do when I'm angry... to myself or others. I have, somewhere along the lines, deemed anger unacceptable which adds even more resistance when it arises within me. I've re-read how working out with Burkey and working with Billie & Jack have done wonders with how I manage my anger. But they aren't here in anymore, not in Lansing anyway, not an active part of my life's journey at this moment. So I'm here with even more fear of what do I do with it now?

I did the only thing I knew how to do last night, short of punching walls and kicking the dog. It's funny how its usually the last thing, but always the right thing, and the most effective thing. I prayed. I wanted to beat the dog. I wanted to kick him every time I looked down at him. Something had to be done. Because he didn't deserve that. I've at least cultivated enough awareness over the years to know it wasn't about the dog. So I prayed. I crawled in bed and recited the Lord's prayer, because really that's the only prayer I know. And I feel asleep before I finished the third recital of it.

And yet, I woke up still angry. I'm angry now. So I meditated and did some healing work. I think I most angry at myself. I've allowed myself to fall back into old eating habits. I've let go of things I really wanted to keep in my life. My lack of decent boundaries has allowed me to loose myself within my relationship. Which I think has always been my fear with relationships. And why up until this point I have avoided committed relationships and partners who wanted them. It's humbling. It's shameful. I've always ducked & ran. I've always chose to leave instead of facing my boundary issues. I can be fiercely independent outside of the relationship, know exactly what I want, & what I need to do to take care of myself and have no problem doing it. But you throw me into a partnership where I have to also take into consideration my partners needs & wants and allow someone else to nurture and take care of me at times??? I'm at a fucking loss. I'm like a dear in headlights. I get so anxious about meeting them, I neglect my own! It's probably due to the fact I've spent most of my life in survival mode. So now, I go into learning mode. I shut my mouth and stop voicing myself. Simply being in it is stressful unto itself for me most days because its uncharted waters, God forbid I rock the boat anymore, I'm barely hanging on as it is... that's how I often feel. Like I'm constantly fumbling. Or rather that is my fear. I'm angry that its such a struggle for me to function in a normal & healthy relationship. Especially when I truly want it, and so much good comes from it. But isn't that how it happens? Our life lessons? I learned how to comfortably be single, to know myself, to love myself. To have boundaries & assert myself with others outside of my most intimate relationships. And now its time learn that within a relationship; within this relationship. Because I choose her.

It's difficult though to not reach back for old tools like working out or AA that once helped with these life lessons, to reach back to the people who helped before with my personal growth. And when you try, the universe manages to stop you. There's an inner knowing that it's time for someone, something new, because this is new. It sits me in this grey area of stillness. Where the only thing to do is to wait. To be still, to listen. To be willing to fail and keep going. To risk rocking the boat with those closest to you. Because if someone, anyone truly loves you, they support you in positive changes. They will grow with you. I trust that.

What do you know, I'm not angry anymore.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Know Thyself

Endorphins are my drug of choice, and the gym is my dealer.

A thought I had earlier as I was going to town on the elliptical and when time was up decided it wasn't enough, I wanted more. I restarted the timer. My core was burning, my shoulders ached, my whole body hurt so much from the workout the night before at the station I felt a vague sense of nausea and overall feeling like shit. Like the enormous amount of muscle breakdown and rebuilding I had put my body through the night before was releasing toxins into my blood stream. I had been drinking water and detox tea all day to flush out my system, I was using the elliptical to push it out. Whatever it was I was fighting with today. Whatever was really cursing through my veins. I got off the elliptical after 54 minutes only because I began to question whether or not I was working smart. Wondering where that line was at, how much more could I hurt my body today and it not be equivalent to taking a knife to my skin? So, I got on the treadmill and walked, then did yoga. Now here I am, pheeneing. Ready to go back, for more. To the gym. The question then became... Dot, what are running from? What are you trying to ignore? Who cares if you didn't stuff your face, or pick up a bottle... the gym is your drug of choice, going again would constitute a act of avoidance. Avoidance of whatever I was feeling, or not wanting to admit to myself. So, WHAT THE FUCK IS IT?

I don't like not getting what I want. I don't like things NOT going my way, actually, I fucking hate it. I can know in my gut that the way it is happening is best, and STILL be fucking pissed. I can be mad simply because it didn't go the way I wanted and see that it's working out just fine! I thought back to the times in my life when I didn't get what I wanted on how enraged I became and exauhstingly sought out multiple avenues to try and get what I wanted. When I totaled my car, I tried to buy it back as SCRAP so I could then pay out of pocket to have it pieced back together, because it BARELY made the  total loss percentage, and I wanted it to NOT be totaled!!! I kept those keys, and license plate for probably two years. I have a hard time letting go when something doesn't go the way I wanted it to. Because somewhere inside of me I believe there is still SOMETHING I can do to bring about my desired outcome. I believe, "There's nothing I/we can do" is a lame bullshit excuse, a fucking cop out. There's ALWAYS something you can do. Maybe the lesson here for me is, the something I can do is let go. To let it be. To do, nothing. Whether it is true or not, I believe in my head there are very few things I've ever wanted & not gotten. I've said for years the only two things I didn't get as I child that I wanted were an easy bake oven & a tree house. The go kart, trampoline, sandbox, four wheeler, brand new car, the leather jacket I saw and "just had to have" my mother drove over an hour to go get, that day where all mine. I'm spoiled. The reason I have an emotional reaction to being told that is because it's true. If you have an emotional reaction to something, it's because that shit hits you in the fucking core. Because it hurts. It hits a part of you that is obviously there, because it hurts, but you can't see it, so then you're confused. I'm spoiled. I've spent my whole life getting just about everything I want. And when I don't get it, I get pissed. I don't know what to do. Being okay with not getting what I want is not a skill I've had to cultivate! I always get what I want. Typing that I know it's not entirely true, and it's coming straight from a cocky ego. But that's what flew out of my fingers just now. And it's not about the attainment, it's about the pursuit. It's always been about the pursuit. That's why... myself, and many of us, don't always want what it once we get it. Because it's never about what we initially think it's about. 

Acceptance of how, not who, but how we are, our perceived "weaknesses" can be a very positive propelling force. It's not about ridding ourselves of that aspect of our personality. It's about owning it, guiding it, using it to our advantage. It's about not being afraid of it, so when we notice it trickling out into the aspect of our lives where it can cause damage, we tell it to back the fuck off, this isn't where it belongs. Or watch it disappear because it no longer serves a purpose.

My intense dislike for not getting what I want work to my advantage beautifully in attaining goals like nursing school, getting sober, weight loss...tangible, measurable goals. It gives me drive, determination. A fire. But not so much when there are other people involved. It can be too much for them. You cannot make another person do anything. If you think you can you are delusional. They have a choice. Any force from you would be immoral, manipulative, & create so dirty karma. I like balance. In the physical material world, I have a lot of control. I create my life. In the arena of human relationships, where so many invisible forces are involved, I have very little... if any. A beautiful balance. I have control only over myself. My actions, my emotions, & my thoughts. And that control comes with practice. Acceptance is something I have control over, it too is a choice. Life is about choices. Make a fucking choice. I wrote that on the inside cover of my Big Book for Alcoholics Anonymous "Get busy living or get busy dying. Make a choice" and I did. I chose alright, and I am better for it. 

Today I chose to acknowledge aspects of my personality I didn't really want to admit to before. It takes more courage to admit a weakness than it does strength to hide it. I also asked today, what my relationship to my Self was... we aren't even going to go there right now. The only place I'm going, is to the gym....

"I really don't like not getting what I want. Actually, I fucking hate it. I can KNOW I'm better off without it but still be pissed because it didn't go MY way. LMAO. I just wanted to tell somebody that wouldn't judge me..." - My text to a friend about 5 minutes before this blog. His response...

"dot, I am constantly judging you and everyone around me. I will say that you measure up quite well. I am proud of you and how hard you work, and how you think and pay attention." and that is why I work with him.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Miracles

The universe never fails to impress me. "She never quells my insecurities." - A very clear, matter of fact thought as I walked to my car in the Kroger parking lot. A moment when many, many things over the last few days made perfect sense, and I was grateful.

        My insecurities have been brought to the surface by mine and her relationship. Perfectly so, she refuses to quell those insecurities. And what a gift. This hit me today in an instant, when many things came together in that moment. She texted to tell me goodnight, not the usual phone call. Is she gonna call too? Does she want to call? Why isn't she gonna call? - my initial thought. Then I breathed and reminded myself, I was not in control and that was okay. I was okay, really. TRUST. Let's try that for a change shall we? Then, I tossed back and forth whether or not to tell her I loved her.... I did want to, but didn't want to kind of thing. But why? "If my action comes from fear, don't act" - (An awareness that hit me a few days ago) So what to do? I breathed again, and asked myself where I was telling her I loved her from? Love or fear? So, I told her I loved her because that's what was in my heart, that's what I felt in that moment. I heart filled with love & joy, and I wanted to share that with her. Not because I wanted her to say it back to reassure me that she loved me. I told myself, she may not say it back, and you know what... that was okay too. Again, I am not in control, I can only act from my heart and trust everything is is working out just as it should... I still remained at peace, calm, & centered. Grateful. I had already realized what a beautiful awareness & lesson I was being taught at that exact moment. Then...  Ding ... "Love you to dot" - instant insecurity - why did she say it like that? In my mind, I heard her say it in her sarcastic voice... the voice that I perceive as having an undertone of I'm gonna tell you I love you back, because I know how fucking sensitive you are and I don't feel like arguing because I'm going to bed.  INSANE-NESS. lol It's so funny really. A third time, I breathed. I was upset because of my OWN THINKING. I was doing this to myself, I AM responsible for everything that happens in my life. I jumped back to living in the reality of my mind, which isn't reality at all... but so easily I mistake it to be. Within a minute or two, literally, I was calm and at peace. These are life's miracles... when we wake up to realize that we are creating our own suffering, we aren't in control, and everything REALLY IS, okay. 

        It is not up to her to quell my insecurities, to do whatever it is I "need" to not feel insecure... that would be fixing an inward problem with an outward solution. It is my job, to face these insecurities, and allow them to heal. I've seen it time and time again... the hello/goodbye kisses, the lack of title, the lack of security.... its all ambiguous. "It is what it is, let it be".... all of this plays on my insecurities. And let me tell you, It has brought up some serious emotional reactions, tears, and breaks.  My suffering is often provoked by my thinking. But it's all because that's what I need. If I didn't need something in my life, it wouldn't be here!!! We ALWAYS have everything we need, it may not be what we want, but it's what we need. When we STOP NEEDING IT, it will go away. The question becomes, why do I need this? Well, I NEED this shit, these insecurities, to be brought to the surface, into the light, and healed. (And who knows what else I need!) What I DON"T need is someone quelling those insecurities for me, because that does not help me grow! Not only that, but it sets me up to expect the next person to do that for me as well. It's SO much like giving the man a fish, or teaching him to fish. If she were to just do what I asked because I "need" her too, she's only handicapping me.... and you know what's even more beautiful? She probably has NO IDEA what good she's really doing, and you know what that tells me? The universe REALLY does, know what It's doing. I firmly believe this is one of many answers to a desperate plea earlier in the day, "God, please show me how to trust, I really want to trust you."

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.
Love & Light
Dottie

PS - Funny thing is, I didn't even know what exactly "quell" meant... I had to dictionary it before I put it in my blog. You know what that tells me? That sentence didn't come from me....

quell

   [kwel]  Show IPA

verb (used with object)

1.

to suppress; put an end to; extinguish: The troops quelled therebellion quickly.

2.

to vanquish; subdue.

3.

to quiet or allay (emotions, anxieties, etc.): The child'smother quelled his fears of the thunder.

Endurance Day #1: What Did I learn?

3.1 miles in 38m41s

      That was my run time yesterday. Good, bad, or indifferent... THAT'S where I'm at right now. A little faster than the first time, a little slower than the last time. The voice in my head always seems to be the loudest when my body is struggling to catch it's next breath, basic survival instincts. NOTHING else matters to that voice but stopping to breathe, I have to make it matter.

      I set multiple goals as I run, for various reasons. A practice in strengthening what I see as the weakest aspects of my personality.  Indecision nearly paralyzes me, I think that's true for many of us. I'm forced to make a decision. Running without a goal is just making more work for myself, every second and distance ran without a goal in mind is wasted energy. What's it going towards? Indecision? Procrastination? That's what I'm running towards in that moment, unless I have a goal. A goal also helps me combat that voice inside my head that swears I will die right there on the treadmill if I don't stop this very moment... I've yet to die on a treadmill. And really, I can't think of a single story right now of anyone that has, because the mind quits WAAAAAY before the body does. Its' a fact. I failed to meet my second goal I set for myself yesterday. I quit before I hit the mark I had set. I quit last Thursday with Burkey.... yet both times, I set another goal, almost as punishment, but more so a consequence. A consequence that would make me better next time, not stir up feelings of self-loathing. Both times. Holding myself accountable. I've heard people often say, especially in 12 step recovery groups we should hold each other accountable. HOLD YOURSELF ACCOUNTABLE. I had that thought as I was running my third goal, and made it. Sprung from a want to text my trainer to tell him I was doing my "endurance day." What the fuck for? After all, this was my training. He wouldn't be standing beside me on the course. And again, what does that action support? What does that energy create more of? Dependence? Looking for outward approval/accountability. I chose to feed integrity.

       Going back to my goal setting as consequences. My first goal was a solid mile without stopping at 6.0. Done. Second goal 0.5mile at 5.5 (I was goal setting AS I was running, that was as far as I had planned lol)....  but I stopped running before I hit my second goal, okay fine. Tired? Couldn't breathe? Wanted to give my heart rate a break? (Please note the sarcasm) Well that's fine, if I'm gonna take a break, it's going to serve a purpose. I couldn't run again until my heart rate was down to 135.  TORTURE. Because that would effect my run time, but force my body & mind to utilize every moment of slowing down. Compromised rest. I couldn't be angry, that would up my heart rate, I had to be patient, because how much control do you REALLY have over lowering your heart rate? Doing this forced me to not focus on the problem but to just breathe, and know the "problem" would resolve itself when I let go. When I reached inward, and found that still and quiet pace... everything else took care of itself. As far as the Oxygen depletion exercise (the workout with Burkey), I will repeat it until I complete it. Someways our bodies need the training more, other days it's our minds. How many sessions do I really want to waste doing the same thing over & over? Owning your emotions. Allowing them to work for you. I have control issues, I'm beginning to think the only reason they are issues is because I allowed the things I COULD control to control me, such as emotions, reactions, thoughts.... those things are within my realm of control. So, because I felt I couldn't control those things I attempted to control other people, situations, etc... things I could not. Thus the irony of the situation; a quagmire of the human condition.

     I've never found anything as fascinating as life itself and the relationship with ourselves. It's like an never ending hole, maybe that's why so many are afraid to jump in. Be honest with yourself, honesty is humbling. I found humility in the question I asked myself last week, "Why do I have no desire to workout in a large group?" The answer I heard first and the loudest was "Because I might find out I'm not as bad ass as I think I am." - WHAT A CAN OF WORMS that answer opened... a blog unto itself. Exploration. Did I really believe that? What was the quieter answer that lay a little deeper? How deep do I want to go? As of that day, that was deep enough for me. As of today, the desire to push myself "THAT" hard is less than it has been..... A moment of clarity: In Yoga they say every pose is brand new. EVERY DAY, EVERY MOMENT is different, because we change moment to moment... nothing is the same, ever. Down to the very cells in our bodies. I create my own suffering through my expectations, comparisons, judgements, expierences, etc.... how about this? How about I just fucking show up and do the work. Back to the basics. That's where you go when who you were is stripped away and it's time to re-build.

Love & Light
Dottie

A Mirror of Self: She's Fat

     The site of her instantaneously makes me curl up my nose and just stare at her. I usually start at her ankles, noticing how tiny her feet look against her humongous legs. She big. Very big. And it's apparent I have issues with her, because she's big. Of course the question is what am I seeing in her that is being reflected back, but that is not the point of this blog. The point is to be entirely honest with myself about how I feel about her, let it go and allow Love and compassion to flow freely. I watch her walk with her cane and think, you have to know the reason you walk with a cane is because you are extremely overweight right? I see a wasted life. I see someone dying before there time. I see an unnecessary struggle to live and function a daily basis. I see the possibility of who I could be without constant self-reflection and fearless facing of my demons. I don't respect her. How could I? I can't stand to be in the same room with her. And when she sits at my nurses station I just want to kick the back of her chair and tell her to move her fat ass. I wonder what she looks like naked, and if her husband even remotely finds her attractive? How could he? Was she always this big? What does he look like? Maybe he's a big fat fucking blob too, then I guess it wouldn't matter, she doesn't see it in herself, he doesn't see it in himself.... a beautiful blinded Love. Bastards. She's married? WTF. What about me? I just wanna rip her wedding ring off her finger, IF I  could get it off. AND it's huge! More karats than I've seen most woman wear. I admit, she's intelligent, and willing to help you with any question. However, shes' got a bit of a smart mouth, and I just look at her like really? REALLY. You want to be smart? Just shut the fuck up, I don't respect you anyhow. I wondered today how difficult it really is for her to take her shoes off. Where she shops. How much extra energy she wastes every single day on the most common and mundane activities. Can she whip her ass? Is it possible? When's the last time she had sex with her husband. What about when she's on her period? I mean, c'mon!!! She has body tissue literally falling all over the place, it's not pretty, it's not convenient, how much denial is this woman in? These already semi-gross aspects of life are multiplied in her case.  My nose is curled right now, disgusted. I'm just absolutely disgusted. I don't like her talking to me. I'd just assume pretend she's not there. I don't want to look at her, talk to her, nothing. I just want to look at her and be like so what's it like to weigh 500 lbs? I've watched you. You can't bend over to pick anything up. You're dependant on people around you. You can't fit in 9/10's of the chairs at our facility, it takes you 10 minutes to get in your car.... I've watched you. I've watched you in utter fear, terrified. Having said a thousand times in my life, "If I ever get that big, please, I beg you... please just shoot me" and I mean it.

The tears are sitting in my eyes already and I haven't even wrote anything. A chill just ran down my body, and my mind is thinking of anything to get me away from this computer. All of a sudden, I'm tired. My body and mind is shutting down, shutting it out. < This is what resistance looks like ladies and gentlemen. The moment I noticed myself staring at her ankles, I prayed. I asked God to free me from the thoughts of judgement I was having against her. I just realized I didn't pray for clarity. I asked to feel only Love and compassion for this woman who was obviously dying inside. I wondered why she hurt so much. I wondered what she really felt inside. I remembered moments of always being the first one to jump up to help her, only to cuss her under my breath. Recognizing I struggle with my own feelings towards her. Going out of my way every chance I get to enable this way of life. I become angry at her for handicapping herself. I recognize that in denying her freedom, I'm denying it to myself. If I look at her and become angry because she represents aspects, or potential aspects of my personality.... there is unforgiveness, there is a lack of love towards myself. And if I can't love myself completely and unconditionally, I am hindered in my spiritual growth. I'm ready to be whole, balanced. I'm on a mission. A mission to live the life God wants me to live and frankly, I'm tired of fucking around. So let's look at it... all of it; the good, the bad, the ugly. Somewhere in the back of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous it says the best way to get rid of a resentment is to pray for that person, ask God to grant them all the things you'd want for yourself. What does she want? I don't know. But I'm going to pray that she.... I don't even know where to start. Maybe I'm not there yet, but I'm willing; willing to be there whenever I'm ready to be there. I immediately went back to praying for myself, asking God to help me to release anger, help me to see clearly what I need to see, help me feel only love and compassion for her. But why would I want those things? None of that is helping her in anyway. Judgement. I'm full of judgement. A fearless and moral inventory. Yeah, that's where I'm at. There and here...

I recognize some aspect of her weight is reflecting an aspect of me and mine on a subconscious level, this reflection creates a panic inside of me, a fear. "Where ever the mind is not filled with Love, there is a propensity for insanity." All my hateful words and thoughts are really aimed at me. If she's a mirror, everything I say or do, is aimed right back at me. I wish to be free from this judgement and fear. I want to feel only Love when I look at her, when I look at me.

Dear God, please heal this part of me that is irritated when I look at her. I'm willing to release this anger in exchange for Love and peace. What is this teaching me? How can I help bring about the highest level of healing for both of us, for all of us? Amen.

Love & Light
Dottie

Balance, Patience, Assertiveness, and Learning To Feel Again

Well, I'm not wanting to sleep apparently. I've not slept will this week. But when I asked myself what it is I'd rather be doing... I couldn't think of anything. So here I am. I've thought alot about being heard, respect, being assertive. So often I act like what I say doesn't matter, it does. It really does. I thought of Dee and how he just does not listen to me, he could care less what I have to say. So why would I waste my time talking ot him? We all deserve to be heard. As far as being assertive, there are people in my life that I feel I could do without, for instance Cathy. I have no desire for her to be in my life. And right now, I can't think of anyone else, no one that tries contacting me on the regular. Assertive is defined as confident aggression. There is a twinge of fear because I know there are some assertive lessons coming... right now the themes are balance with control, assertiveness, and patience. That's a hell of a combo if you ask me... that and learning to feel again. Opening up my heart and throat chakras.

I've thought of Scott. Amazed how how differently I've handled things as opposed to how I used to. It was shown to me that the cycle of being with someone that didn't want a relationship was over... Scott doesn't want a relationship therefore we aren't in one. It's not this half-ass shit like with Dee. It's over. For now anyways. But I found gratitude in that, that I wasn't caught up in another situation where I wanted more, he didn't, but gave me just enough to allow feelings to grow inside of me. I thought of calling/txting him several times today, but I kept reminding myself... if he wanted to talk to me, he'd contact me. He's a big boy. I'm worthy of being pursued, of being missed, of being thougth about and desired for. I'm worth all of that and more. Right now I'm keeping it to myself, lovign myself, and acknowledging my own beauty and power. Right now there's not a man in my life that is close enough or deserving enough for me to throw myself at them and flaunt my positive characteristics to try and reel them in, ha. And to keep myself honest, not a man that wants me too. lol Well there are a couple but not one's that I want to be with. They aren't waht I want. There is a strength that has manifested itself within me, and I"m liking it. I don't know if I'd be happy with him. There's a lot I don't know actually. A lot I will never know. Exaushting myself to find out all the answers is a waste of my time and energy, yet I've spent my whole life trying to figure everything out. I've had to be reminded who God is and who I am, because I've been trying to get God to carry out MY will... you can laugh, it's funny. It's all funny. Settling into quietness allows me to see my life like a movie, I'm an observer instead of the director.

I breathe. Breathing into my heart/throat chakras. I've spent lots of time in meditation lately exploring some  issues. Seems my being ignored hatred comes from my mother. When I look into the world all I see is pain. I try to take it all on and get rid of it, but I can't. I'm angry at Mandy for the same reason I'm angry at my mohter, I took on their pain because I coudln't get rid of THEIR pain, but I could get rid of my own pain... so I made it mine, and I've carried it for some time. I'm done carrying other people's pain. I don't need to. I don't have to be afraid to feel because there is more than just pain in the world. There is love, either way... I don't have to take on either one, I can simply observe. Come out of my head, that's what Billie told me, that's what my card told me today... come out of my head and allow my heart to make some of the decisions. I can do that. There are things I need. There are people I need. Although I don't like to admit it there are "You act like you don't need me cause your afraid of being needy, you want your cake and eat it too I call that being greedy" - I love that line. It's from the Alone Again Remix. My Uncle, I need him. I like to think I need no one, nothing. That I alone can soley create a magnificent life for myself. The truth is, no I don't know for sure where I'd be without my Uncle, but something tells me I wouldn't be here. I like to think that I'm exactly were I'm suppose to be and with or without my Uncle I'd be here. But i'm nto so sure these days. He's here because I need him. I need people. I can't take life on alone.... THAT is the last addiction. Or so says the lady who wrote the book.

I've had several overwhelming desires to hit several meetings lately, and when I asked myself why I heard "Because I need to be reminded that I'm not God." I don't ahve to avoid everything I don't entirely agree with, I can learn to be assertive and express my stance without fear. To be okay with people questioning and disagreeing. To have faith in my ability to express myself. <- That is important. Baxter has been driving me nuts, Cathy has been driving me nuts, Dee has been getting on my nerves, and I have zero desire to talk to Mandy. I know there is an amends to be made, but until I know exactly what it is I'm sorry for and how to express it, I'm not talking to her. I see Cathy and I's relationship going in the same direction, I might as well nip it in the butt right now.

I'm going to 12 steps and beyond for the first time in a while tomorrow. I keep hearing Billie's voice reminding me that we don't know what's going to happen, ever, and that's okay. Ah, the joys of being a psychic :) Learning how to trust, but not actively try and bring about what it is you saw. To know that it's coming, naturally and just by flowing in the current of Love you are co-creating, conciously tryign to create invites the ego....

Some things I wonder if I'll ever change... my fb stalking tendencies... that alone makes me smile, brings some tears to my eyes. There is soooo much changing in my life right now. Changes are being made within and around me. It's beautiful. I've made tenative plans to be out of my Uncle's house before the first of next year. Details, I'm constantly leaving up to God. I'm amazed at how it seems Scott was a catalyst for SOOO much of the stuff I've learned and reflected upon over the last 3 weeks or so. It's just amazing. Beyond what my human mind can fathom. I almost forgot what it was like to not be able to sleep. I was reminded the other day when I saw Suzanne what it was like to be in so lost in so much pain. God bless her. I'm grateful for my sobriety. I've decided on March 12 I'm celebrating 3 years of sobriety. I've worked hard earning that. I will not hide or deny that I drank in September... but I'm not going to discount myself either for the 2 and ahalf years of work I put int BEFORE that night in September. There is osme fear there as how people are going to handle it, but (as I take a deep breathe) That's not something I can worry about. I feel like I earned it, and I'm going to congratulate myself.

Right now in this dark room, with the same song "All I need" playing over and over, I breathe deep and ask myself what I feel. I feel overwhelming Love. Tears want to come to my eyes. But I know there is more that I'm not feeling right now. I feel calm. I feel content? I'm not sure. I'm hoping all this rambling will allow me to sleep. Good night God, thanks for listening. ;)

Dottie

Guilt Disguised as Anger at the Wrong Person

Four hours ago my Uncle's girlfriend offered a book she felt inclined to give me.  She said she thought of me and knew I enjoy reading those kinds of books, but wasn't sure how to bring it up as to not offend me.  The book was about trying to make everyone happy.  My first thought was yeah, okay I've got some people pleasing tendencies, I might read it. I smiled, and told her it was fine, she didn't offend me and to just bring it on over.  It was then I felt that first tinge of uncomfortableness.  That little voice that began clearing it's throat before it's scarcastic slurs where to be made.  She said, "I know you tend to do that with your mother."  I said, "Not so much as with my mother as I do..." and pointed at my Uncle behind a wall so he couldn't see me.  We laughed, and as I was walking out the door that little bruised ego voice began... "Who does she think she is? She doesn't know me. If I wanted her input on MY life I would have asked for it. I've never went to her for anything. I can't STAND for ppl to give there opinions without my asking... etc."  The anger directed towards her began to grow, the anger directed towards me began to grow (because deep down I felt let her get to me < please note the sarcasm) The guilt began creeping in because I knew in my heart she was only acting out of Love, so how come I couldn't just see that and get the fuck over being angry?!?!?  I talked to one person about it, and that person said I had every right to feel that way, they couldnt' stand for ppl to throw in their two cents either.  I knew the issue was deeper, I just didn't know what it was yet.

For the past four hours, I've admitted to myself and someone else my feelings. I sat and asked myself what was I REALLY feeling, and why.  I have myself permission to feel angry without judgement.  With the trust that the true fire that burned this anger would be revealed.  Because when I feel confusion it's because my reality doesn't match the truth.  < WOW. I can't believe I just typed that. Amazing. I think that is a very true statement that just came from my subconcious. Anyways, after four hours... I've found my answer because under the anger there is hurt, and under the hurt there is Love, always Love.

I do not feel worthy of all that my Uncle does for me.  Typing that brings tears to my eyes. For five years, I've watched him give to me and give to me, only asking that I use this oppurtunity to save money, and I can't even do that.  The guilt I feel is tremendous. So, anytime I have the oppurtunity to do something for him that I CAN do... I do it.  There's nothing I wouldn't do for him.  I've changed my plans at the drop of a hat, missed a good friends bridal shower, been late for work, changed my routine.... the list is endless.  Because I feel SO much guilt about not beign able to save money, I will do anything else to try and show him that I DO appreciate all he does. I feel like I could go my entire life and never repay him for all he has done.  Everytime I spend a dime I think about my Uncle. I'm frustrated because I KNOW it's got to be much simpler than I'm making it, yet I can't seem to do it. I can't seem to save a grand for the life of me right now. I'm ashamed. I don't want him to know. I hide things from him because I don't want him to be disappointed in me, I don't want him angry at me, I don't want ot let him down. I want to leave, but not because I'm unhappy, but because I feel like I'm not utilizing this oppurtunity as I should, so why waste his time, energy, and money? I never feel any anger towards him, ever. It's always fear. Fear of upsetting him, fear of not living up to the expecatiosn he has of me, because I feel like I should give him that. All he has given me???? I should ATLEAST be able to live up to the expecations he has of me. As usual, I laugh about this situations because deep down it's knawing at my soul.  He's so sick of hearing "I'm trying" and I'm sick of saying it.... but I am. Then I'm like there's no trying, either I am or I'm not.... I'm not. I'm not saving money, I'm not taking full advantage orf such a blessing that may never come again.... then I get angry at myself. What the fuck is wrong with me?  People are loosing there homes, and would LOVE to be in my situation, yet I can't save a fucking dime. So what is it I feel? Anger, Shame, guilt, disappointment, fear. Seems so simple... SAVE MONEY. I have the funds to do so, but not the knowledge. Someone please fucking help me! HELP ME! Somebody show me.  Then I get angry at my mother, becauuse when it comes to money I'm so much like her it makes me sick. And I used to become irate over her finances, and here I am, being her. I don't wanna be her. It's like a web. It keeps going backwards.  His girlfriend offerend to show me how she does it ... maybe next pay period I'll take her up on it.

The subconcious thought that sparked the anger was what?! You're telling me I shouldn't spend so much energy trying to make him happy with me? All he does for me? What do you want me to walk around like I don't give a fuck? To be like yeah, thanks, what the fuck ever. NO. He wants me to clean windows, or take out the trash, or help him move the tiki hut, or pick him up antacids I'm gonna do it! Because that is the VERY LEAST I can do! And he can do whatever he wants... he can open my mail, stay on my ass, and ask me to do whatever he wants. The guilt I feel won't allow me to feel any anger when it comes to him.  Just Love, because thats all I know. He washed all my clothes over the weekend. He didn't ahve to do that. I felt guilty. I brainstormed... what can I do to give back to him? I feel like I could spend my whole life trying to "repay" him and never succeed. My gratitude is beyond words. I wonder what I've done to have such a blessing? The tears are falling. That's good. I hear they cleanse the soul :) ... All I have to do is save money. It's simple I know... me doing it is difficult.

I'm sorry Uncle Keith.  I love you and thank you. We both know I wouldn't be where I am without you, and I won't be where I'm going if I wouldnt' have been here.

God please help me to release these fears, and help me to save money... amen.

Love & Light
Dottie

Learning to Feel Again

Good morning.

It is pretty well known amongst my close friends that I "am not a crier."  I just don't cry often, actually I cry rarely.  There have been many times in my life when all I wanted to do was cry and I couldn't.  When people get angry at me I smile, and sometimes laugh.  Not out of disrespect, but because that is my reaction.  I can "feel bad" and know that I'm feeling guilt, but do I really FEEL IT?  This is the question/thought I've been exploring for the last couple weeks. 

So here I am right now, with my tea, starting at the clock that says 12:28 pm.... I ask myself what do I FEEL, right now?  My first thought is "a lot actually," but we want feelings not thoughts.  What do I feel? I feel rushed, angry, anxious, physically uncomfortable, frustrated... that's all I can name right now. Would you know this by seeing me right now? NOPE. Would anyone? Nope. A smile just came across my face. My typical reaction to feeling uncomfortable. God forbid I show anyone my human emotions, I'm getting angry at myself. OH,  I also feel guilt. We'll go into all of this in a moment...

I feel rushed because my NEED right now is to journal/blog so I can grow as a person, yet this is what's going on in my head... "You've got thirty minutes before you have to get in the shower. In that thirty minutes you have to eat breakfast. What about walking? Are you gonna walk? You haven't walked in a while. Maybe you'd feel better if you walked.AND you're gonna blog? Do you even have time to blog?" In writing it out it seems like so much less than what it was, lol. I've already meditated this morning so that's not an issue.

I feel anger because I woke up at 9am and went back to sleep. I wasn't tired I just thought it was too early to be up, what the fuck was I gonna do for 4 hours on a Sunday? Well I DID plan on going grocery shopping. So now I'm angry because I didn't go grocery shopping because I chose to go back to sleep. That's twice I changed my mind about grocery shopping, and I want to go to Kroger's because they have a better organic food supply and they won't be open when I get off work. So I'm kicking myself in the ass. I'm also angry because I feel rushed, because it's my fault I'm rushed.

I feel anxious because I feel rushed.  I'm feeling so much right now it's overwhelming which causes me anxiety. It's all a vicious cycle really.

Physically uncomfortable.... I feel this because my muscles are sore from working out with my trainer two days ago and doing yoga yesterday. However, this uncomfortableness is welcomed :) lol Mainly it's because I have to pee, and it's my lucky lady week. So phsyically I feel bloated, yucky, and blah. So it is true the hormones from this could be provoking the feelings of anger and anxiety. Like I said, I'm just exploring this to see where this fucking rabbit hole is going...

Guilt.  Why guilt? Because I didn't go grocery shopping and now my cat doesn't have food. :( I can't explain to him that I'll pick some up later. Then I become frustrated because my wallet is two states away including my license and debit/credit cards, so writing a check is my only option which few ppl will take without my license. This guilt quicly turns to anger when he's sitting 2 feet away from me looking at me so sad meowing, but why anger? because I feel so fucking bad. Because if I would have gotten my ass up this morning, and went to the damn grocery store.... I wouldn't feel rushed, I would have had time to walk, and my cat would have had food.

A part of me is wondering why the hell I'm even blogging about this.... I guess because I need to get this shit out. I need to release and let go.... and I type much faster than I write lol... basically boils down to this, THIS is for me, if it helps someone else GREAT if not, that's okay too. ;)

So what now? After idendtifying a PROBLEM... I like to identify a potential SOLUTION...

ugh... I got sidetracked... right now I'm thinking.... make a schedule and stick to it... let's see how that works.

Love & Light
Dottie :)