Miracles

The universe never fails to impress me. "She never quells my insecurities." - A very clear, matter of fact thought as I walked to my car in the Kroger parking lot. A moment when many, many things over the last few days made perfect sense, and I was grateful.

        My insecurities have been brought to the surface by mine and her relationship. Perfectly so, she refuses to quell those insecurities. And what a gift. This hit me today in an instant, when many things came together in that moment. She texted to tell me goodnight, not the usual phone call. Is she gonna call too? Does she want to call? Why isn't she gonna call? - my initial thought. Then I breathed and reminded myself, I was not in control and that was okay. I was okay, really. TRUST. Let's try that for a change shall we? Then, I tossed back and forth whether or not to tell her I loved her.... I did want to, but didn't want to kind of thing. But why? "If my action comes from fear, don't act" - (An awareness that hit me a few days ago) So what to do? I breathed again, and asked myself where I was telling her I loved her from? Love or fear? So, I told her I loved her because that's what was in my heart, that's what I felt in that moment. I heart filled with love & joy, and I wanted to share that with her. Not because I wanted her to say it back to reassure me that she loved me. I told myself, she may not say it back, and you know what... that was okay too. Again, I am not in control, I can only act from my heart and trust everything is is working out just as it should... I still remained at peace, calm, & centered. Grateful. I had already realized what a beautiful awareness & lesson I was being taught at that exact moment. Then...  Ding ... "Love you to dot" - instant insecurity - why did she say it like that? In my mind, I heard her say it in her sarcastic voice... the voice that I perceive as having an undertone of I'm gonna tell you I love you back, because I know how fucking sensitive you are and I don't feel like arguing because I'm going to bed.  INSANE-NESS. lol It's so funny really. A third time, I breathed. I was upset because of my OWN THINKING. I was doing this to myself, I AM responsible for everything that happens in my life. I jumped back to living in the reality of my mind, which isn't reality at all... but so easily I mistake it to be. Within a minute or two, literally, I was calm and at peace. These are life's miracles... when we wake up to realize that we are creating our own suffering, we aren't in control, and everything REALLY IS, okay. 

        It is not up to her to quell my insecurities, to do whatever it is I "need" to not feel insecure... that would be fixing an inward problem with an outward solution. It is my job, to face these insecurities, and allow them to heal. I've seen it time and time again... the hello/goodbye kisses, the lack of title, the lack of security.... its all ambiguous. "It is what it is, let it be".... all of this plays on my insecurities. And let me tell you, It has brought up some serious emotional reactions, tears, and breaks.  My suffering is often provoked by my thinking. But it's all because that's what I need. If I didn't need something in my life, it wouldn't be here!!! We ALWAYS have everything we need, it may not be what we want, but it's what we need. When we STOP NEEDING IT, it will go away. The question becomes, why do I need this? Well, I NEED this shit, these insecurities, to be brought to the surface, into the light, and healed. (And who knows what else I need!) What I DON"T need is someone quelling those insecurities for me, because that does not help me grow! Not only that, but it sets me up to expect the next person to do that for me as well. It's SO much like giving the man a fish, or teaching him to fish. If she were to just do what I asked because I "need" her too, she's only handicapping me.... and you know what's even more beautiful? She probably has NO IDEA what good she's really doing, and you know what that tells me? The universe REALLY does, know what It's doing. I firmly believe this is one of many answers to a desperate plea earlier in the day, "God, please show me how to trust, I really want to trust you."

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.
Love & Light
Dottie

PS - Funny thing is, I didn't even know what exactly "quell" meant... I had to dictionary it before I put it in my blog. You know what that tells me? That sentence didn't come from me....

quell

   [kwel]  Show IPA

verb (used with object)

1.

to suppress; put an end to; extinguish: The troops quelled therebellion quickly.

2.

to vanquish; subdue.

3.

to quiet or allay (emotions, anxieties, etc.): The child'smother quelled his fears of the thunder.