I feel contemplative. Tea in hand, ice on my back, pandora rolling. I've been "cleaning house" physically & energetically. I broke 240 yesterday.... 239.8 I think? lol or .4? Regardless... I did it. Thoughts are rolling around about random things, working full time at Alexander? To get my money together quicker so I can regain my independence. I've been convinced for 6 years I can't do it on my own. He's been telling me for years I can't do it. Well, I'm just gonna have to. Seems we have a co-dependent type relationship. I've been ready to be out on my own for some time now. Planning my break. :) . Once the decision is made, doors start busting open left and right. Make the decision. I stood in the gym today in tears, because I let fear stop me from picking up that bar. Burkey and I talked about using ego as means to and end today. Letting go and burning of my ego has left me with less of a drive to push, lower standards, and less intensity. I quit sooner, I accept failure before I have too. The past month I've watched my thoughts and feelings about weight lifting change. I stood in the gym today in tears because I could not talk myself into lifting that bar. Fear. And when I would start to get it off the ground, I'd drop it. It took all I had to not let the tears fall. I was frustrated. Where had my standards gone? Where was my drive?! Where was my anger? my fight? :( ....
.... (several hours later, I'm back) This is the second night in a row I've thought to text Scott. Playing with fire is all I got to say. I just called Johnna. I had no idea I could love someone this much.
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