Today, as an adult, I find myself much quieter during those opportunities for God conversations. They feel much different now - restricted and anxiety-producing. Participants seem to enter with a sense of preparation for war, ready to defend their beliefs rather than being open to the divine presence in that moment.
I laid in bed yesterday morning and asked God to please help me feel connected to the new OB/GYN we were going to see that day. I'm already 28 weeks and switching doctors because I simply don't feel a connection to the previous one. I was nervous, feeling connected and at ease was important to me, and as always, I found myself talking to God. It was still really early. I was in and out of sleep, but I laid there and remember having the conversation as if I were talking to a trusted and wise friend. I smiled in acknowledgement after realizing I have always gone to God in moments like this. The quiet moments, the still moments, the dark moments. In my darkest of moments, I have always called out to God, and he has answered, each and every time. I have faith, I'm not sure how it came to be, but it has always felt there. God's grace and my willingness have brought me here, in the middle of a life I never imagined possible, over more obstacles than I care to list. Every day I strive to be the person I felt God has always wanted me to be. I am grateful, and God knows this, I tell him all the time.
If I were to tell someone all these things they would assume I identified as a christian; I do not. I have watched excitement steadily grow on a person's face with each "God" that came out of my mouth and drain instantly upon hearing I have kept organized religion, especially Christianity, at a distance as long as I could remember. It has never felt right to me - restrictive, exclusive, black and white, with no room for questions and no room for Mother Earth. I have nothing against it, it's just not for me. But God is the term I have always felt most drawn too, and I shouldn't feel I can't use it because I am not a Christian, but I often do.
As long as I can remember, I have also found solace in nature. Mother Earth's nurturing and beating heart has spoken to mine since I was a child, offering up the quietest spaces and most heart opening vibrations. The solidness of the cool ground with it's thousands of years worth of life before me, beneath my body, as a laid facing an unlimited sky always felt like home - safe, supportive, and loving. The Earth's limitlessness comes in her ability to provide a foundation for me to connect upward without getting lost and all of us a constant replenishment,despite destruction, of our most basic physical needs for food, water, and shelter. I am so grateful for this, too, and she knows it. Even now, I walk barefooted frequently and visit the woods and stream behind my house because nothing feels more balanced to me than the tree which finds itself placed perfectly upright within the earth and the heavens. The water, always moving and overcoming, cleanses my soul like nothing else. This is where I find God, the omnipresent energy of all that is, and I take this back with me into the world as we know it.
Would this "make" me a pagan or a wishful Native American? I think not. No more than my yoga practice makes me a Buddhist, or my reiki and card readings make me a witch.
So, is this what I tell people now, in adulthood, when religion, spirituality, or "God conversations" arise? I don't want to bring my armor to these sacred moments of connection with others with the intention of defending "my beliefs." I just want to love people as I understand Jesus loved them - as they are, where they are, and live my life by faith and intuition. I just want to honor the Earth, the divine spirit within me, and the plan I feel was laid out before me.
We don't have to fight over who is wrong or right, it's not about that. It seems so simple to me, that I sometimes struggle to understand why we have made it so difficult for so long. It seems like eons we've been fighting, literally and figuratively, the same spiritual/religious battles among one another. We are doing something wrong here in the bigger picture. We are complicating this, and it just doesn't have to be so.
So, happy Easter, happy New Moon, and happy spring. This is a powerful time of new beginnings and fertile happenings. I wish you all joyous connections this cycle and a deeper understanding of truth heard deep within your own heart and spirit.
With Grace & Gratitude...
