"Judge and prepare to be judged."
I wish I would have counted the times I've heard that over the last 3-4 days. Obviously something Spirit would like me to work on. I'm guilty. I judge others. I compare myself to others. Maybe its my competitive nature. Maybe it something I should stop doing. Although, the line isn't saying that judging is a bad thing, it's just saying I had better be prepared for the same sentiment. Which, I'm not so sure I am. I can handle the truth. I can handle people's verbalized opinions. What I do tend to struggle with is my wildly overactive imagination that tells me all the things they probably are thinking, but are most likely, not. I worry what other people think about me and what I'm doing. Guess I could have saved myself 7 lines or so and just said that, but then it wouldn't be much of a blog then would it?
The beginning of June I changed my fitness goals. Signing up for my first power-lifting competition in September, the goal became to "see how much weight we could put on me." And I have, although I'm definitely the strongest I've ever been. My goals are changing after the competition. I'm ready to start slimming down again. More cardio, less muscle building. More of a muscle maintaining. The plan is to keep my lifts heavy three times a week, and after lifting it is my own responsibility to work through a cross-fit type routine. My current trainer doesn't do cross-fit, and up until this year, that's pretty much all I did. I have 3 years of cross-fit training experience. So guess what? The universe is a gracious and loyal teacher. It is up to me to come up with or find cross-fit workouts and execute them on my own, without a trainer standing beside me holding my hand, telling me what to do and taking the pressure of myself. They've never been my workouts, someone else has always put them together for me. I've always had someone else to whine to, to give dirty looks too, to help me combat the internal dialogue that tries to convince it's okay to slow down, or extend that rest for 15 seconds or "change the routine" halfway through because it's "too hard." A trainer has always provided for me a sense of confidence in myself that I've had difficulty finding on my own in the gym. Something tells me that has to do with trusting myself & integrity. I'm nervous. There's fear. A sense of vulnerability. A lack of confidence in myself to come up with my own workouts, that beginners trail & error which will test my patience, my dedication, and my endurance. But what growth is there in refusing to change? None. Fuck.
So either I can stop judging those people in the gym, that are in there doing what I only wish I had the courage to do at the moment OR I can step up and take full responsibility for my workouts and do something I don't mind people judging. It's my choice, and it's about where I'm choosing to focus my energies. By not judging them I free myself from the fear of being judged which allows me a new courage to take that first step in doing what I know I need to do.
With Grace & Gratitude...
