Reflections on Food, Family, & Mother's Day

I don't know or which event in the last 3 years began the disintegration of my sense of self, but it happened. 

I have begun the process of rebuilding myself. I guess I thought that only happened once in your life. Apparently, I was wrong. I have come to the conclusion that that must be atleast 3 levels of healing our traumas. One when we're single and can deal with the most obvious and step in into the unknown abyss that is finding yourself with minimal collateral damage. Which is absolutely petrifying by the way. Then again when we are coupled with our life partner and they stand in front of us reflecting back all the parts we missed. There is safety in that relationship, but also real risk of hurting that person and having to walk back through the trauma you caused while working through that shit you missed. Then kids... the fucking kids come and we are brought back to our earliest and deepest origination of our traumas to figure out what we are passing on and what we are not. 

At-least this is how it was for me.

I'm sitting at my kitchen table drinking coffee with an open laptop screen in front of me backdropped with calilily flowers and a large open living room window. I can hear PJ masks playing above me in the loft while my wife sleeps, and I breathe in deep gratitude for having these string of moments right now. I dose fear with faith that I will get all the time I need today. Typing this helps bring me back to the present.

It's almost Mother's Day - the one year anniversary of my Mother's death, and, naturally, I've thought about her a lot. My intention is to feel those feelings, send love and gratitude for her life and mine, and forgive myself if any guilt or resentments still linger. That feels easier to talk about than what is really on the forefront of my mind...I have used food as a coping mechanism for years and years. It boils down to feeling safe in the world and within myself. It boils down to honoring my desires, wants, and needs. It boils down to loving myself exactly as I am wherever I am, forgiving myself along the way, and not concern myself with the judgements, thoughts, or opinions of people that I don't directly effect in my life. My wife and my kids are the most important people to me in the world. I worry about them all the time - their wellbeing, their safety, their happiness, their basic needs of food, water, and emotional comfort. I'm tearing up writing this. There is a part of me that is so fierce and protective that I think I eat to quiet that down before the world deems me a psycho because I jumped some bitch in the parking lot because her kid talk shit about mine's ponytail in gym last week. But is that because no one ever did that for me? Because I felt safe so infrequently, that I've subconsciously made it my life's mission to make them feel safe at all costs. I'd rather them feel smothered and annoyed by my constant conversation about feelings, drinking water, or taking up and speaking up for themselves than feel scared or unheard at home. Insert covid, custody court, Adelynne starting 1st grade, and Bexley being born.... I just thought about when my Mother lived here and how she would come and get Adelynne off the bus some days for us, take her for ice cream, or play card games with her. Memories that bring tears of joy. Then I remember how I would sometimes interfere with that - tell Mom she didn't need ice cream or catch Adelynne cheating at the card game and tell her she couldn't play anymore. I catch myself wishing I would have been better or done more Mom while she was here - this is one of those moments where I find gratitude for the time she was here and ask for forgiveness for my shortcomings, and let that feeling move through me. 

This time of reflection seems to be wrapping up. PJ Masks isn't nearly as interesting as it was half hour ago, and I don't know how long this singular matching game will hold back the toddler attention threshold. 

I was guided today to list 10 things I am grateful for today: 1) this time I had to reflect and my willingness to take it. 2) The new moon today and the 11:11 I just saw on the stove. 3) Being able to ease into my Saturday. 4) 50 degree weather. 5) Taking a walk this morning. 6) My meetings w/ Emily. 7) My marriage getting through a really rough patch better than it was before. 8) Not having to buy a house in this market. 9) Have a pool and room to enjoy it. 10) Being on a real-estate team. 

With Grace & Gratitude...

And the Journey Continues

I have been angry for days. Which might have peaked last night when the dog woke us up only 3 hours after being in bed to go outside. I let him out JUST BEFORE BED, to prevent this kind of situation. I can't even say I wasn't in the mood to deal with him, because I never am. After attempting to ignore his pawing at the side of the bed and whining, I yelled "fucking goddamn dog!" as I crawled out of bed swearing if he ran off again this time I was locking him out all night. Anger. I know it all to well.

I will be the first to tell you, I don't handle anger well, and after reading through old blogs ABOUT anger for the last 30min from over the last 4 years, the general consensus seems to be that I'm afraid of my anger, of what I will do when I'm angry... to myself or others. I have, somewhere along the lines, deemed anger unacceptable which adds even more resistance when it arises within me. I've re-read how working out with Burkey and working with Billie & Jack have done wonders with how I manage my anger. But they aren't here in anymore, not in Lansing anyway, not an active part of my life's journey at this moment. So I'm here with even more fear of what do I do with it now?

I did the only thing I knew how to do last night, short of punching walls and kicking the dog. It's funny how its usually the last thing, but always the right thing, and the most effective thing. I prayed. I wanted to beat the dog. I wanted to kick him every time I looked down at him. Something had to be done. Because he didn't deserve that. I've at least cultivated enough awareness over the years to know it wasn't about the dog. So I prayed. I crawled in bed and recited the Lord's prayer, because really that's the only prayer I know. And I feel asleep before I finished the third recital of it.

And yet, I woke up still angry. I'm angry now. So I meditated and did some healing work. I think I most angry at myself. I've allowed myself to fall back into old eating habits. I've let go of things I really wanted to keep in my life. My lack of decent boundaries has allowed me to loose myself within my relationship. Which I think has always been my fear with relationships. And why up until this point I have avoided committed relationships and partners who wanted them. It's humbling. It's shameful. I've always ducked & ran. I've always chose to leave instead of facing my boundary issues. I can be fiercely independent outside of the relationship, know exactly what I want, & what I need to do to take care of myself and have no problem doing it. But you throw me into a partnership where I have to also take into consideration my partners needs & wants and allow someone else to nurture and take care of me at times??? I'm at a fucking loss. I'm like a dear in headlights. I get so anxious about meeting them, I neglect my own! It's probably due to the fact I've spent most of my life in survival mode. So now, I go into learning mode. I shut my mouth and stop voicing myself. Simply being in it is stressful unto itself for me most days because its uncharted waters, God forbid I rock the boat anymore, I'm barely hanging on as it is... that's how I often feel. Like I'm constantly fumbling. Or rather that is my fear. I'm angry that its such a struggle for me to function in a normal & healthy relationship. Especially when I truly want it, and so much good comes from it. But isn't that how it happens? Our life lessons? I learned how to comfortably be single, to know myself, to love myself. To have boundaries & assert myself with others outside of my most intimate relationships. And now its time learn that within a relationship; within this relationship. Because I choose her.

It's difficult though to not reach back for old tools like working out or AA that once helped with these life lessons, to reach back to the people who helped before with my personal growth. And when you try, the universe manages to stop you. There's an inner knowing that it's time for someone, something new, because this is new. It sits me in this grey area of stillness. Where the only thing to do is to wait. To be still, to listen. To be willing to fail and keep going. To risk rocking the boat with those closest to you. Because if someone, anyone truly loves you, they support you in positive changes. They will grow with you. I trust that.

What do you know, I'm not angry anymore.

With Grace & Gratitude...

My Own Responsibility

"Judge and prepare to be judged."

I wish I would have counted the times I've heard that over the last 3-4 days. Obviously something Spirit would like me to work on. I'm guilty. I judge others. I compare myself to others. Maybe its my competitive nature. Maybe it something I should stop doing. Although, the line isn't saying that judging is a bad thing, it's just saying I had better be prepared for the same sentiment. Which, I'm not so sure I am. I can handle the truth. I can handle people's verbalized opinions. What I do tend to struggle with is my wildly overactive imagination that tells me all the things they probably are thinking, but are most likely, not. I worry what other people think about me and what I'm doing. Guess I could have saved myself 7 lines or so and just said that, but then it wouldn't be much of a blog then would it?

The beginning of June I changed my fitness goals. Signing up for my first power-lifting competition in September, the goal became to "see how much weight we could put on me." And I have, although I'm definitely the strongest I've ever been. My goals are changing after the competition. I'm ready to start slimming down again. More cardio, less muscle building. More of a muscle maintaining. The plan is to keep my lifts heavy three times a week, and after lifting it is my own responsibility to work through a cross-fit type routine. My current trainer doesn't do cross-fit, and up until this year, that's pretty much all I did. I have 3 years of cross-fit training experience. So guess what? The universe is a gracious and loyal teacher. It is up to me to come up with or find cross-fit workouts and execute them on my own, without a trainer standing beside me holding my hand, telling me what to do and taking the pressure of myself. They've never been my workouts, someone else has always put them together for me. I've always had someone else to whine to, to give dirty looks too, to help me combat the internal dialogue that tries to convince it's okay to slow down, or extend that rest for 15 seconds or "change the routine" halfway through because it's "too hard." A trainer has always provided for me a sense of confidence in myself that I've had difficulty finding on my own in the gym. Something tells me that has to do with trusting myself  & integrity. I'm nervous. There's fear. A sense of vulnerability. A lack of confidence in myself to come up with my own workouts, that beginners trail & error which will test my patience, my dedication, and my endurance.  But what growth is there in refusing to change? None. Fuck.

So either I can stop judging those people in the gym, that are in there doing what I only wish I had the courage to do at the moment OR I can step up and take full responsibility for my workouts and do something I don't mind people judging. It's my choice, and it's about where I'm choosing to focus my energies. By not judging them I free myself from the fear of being judged which allows me a new courage to take that first step in doing what I know I need to do.


With Grace & Gratitude...

Stepping Outside of Myself

Since it has been some time since I've written what I would consider a good & decent blog, my creative spark is taking few moments to really begin to burn. My sole purpose here today is to help re-ignite my creativity, which I've felt has almost been blown out in my steps in balancing out my life over the past year. A full cycle has come to pass. I moved here to the Lansing area a year ago this week. The foundation of which I built my life upon in the 4 years prior shifted, dramatically. The 4 years prior had been about ME. All about me. I got sober, I was in nursing school, I left AA, I quit smoking, I lost weight. I set out on a journey to fix me, get to know me, better me, & love me. And I did. All of the things in my life that helped me to do all of this, seemed to *poof* leave my life with a single truck load of things, my cat, and my plants as the decision was made on a Thursday afternoon to start something new, with someone else, somewhere else. Here I was 2 hours away from everything that helped keep me stay grounded over the last 4 years; no gym, no yoga, no uncle, no sober friends who had walked the journey with me. With the same fervor I used to better me, I began pouring everything I knew about who I was & life in general into this relationship I came here for. After all, it was something I had never experienced. A committed? Healthy? Loving relationship?! What was that?!?! 5 years ago I couldn't even fathom what that was like. It was something that required all of me for it to grow. And it has. I finally understand contentment. I finally live in the sweet spot I have searching for my entire life. Here is balance, and most significantly, it's not about me anymore.

So herein lies my work.

I've realized that over the last 5 years, I could have been a much better friend. I could have been a much better daughter, niece, sister, cousin, & girlfriend. I have always considered myself extremely blessed in the area of friends. God has always put the most amazing people in my life, and I have allowed them to feel less than important. I have allowed them to fade out of my life because of my inability to show them how much they meant to me through my actions. I've begun the journey of stepping outside of myself. Of rebuilding what can still be re-built. This is not self-pity; I did that weeks ago. This is an acknowledgment of a weakness, a bringing of the darkness into the Light. Whereas I have attacked many areas of my life with determination and gusto; this one requires patience, gentleness, humility, & grace. It requires an understanding that it is not in my control, I can simply give without expectation, as many have given to me. This is my apology. This is my thank you. You all know who you are. 

With Grace & Gratitude...

Dot

Learn From Lyrics

"And I don't blame ya dear for running like you did, all these years, I would do the same you best believe..." Stubborn Love, The Lumineers

Nothing transforms us as quickly as pain. And for those of us where pain has been a central theme, we find ourselves building a tolerance to it. It becomes... less uncomfortable. And when the pain is no longer there, we aren't quite sure what to do with ourselves, and sometimes, subconsciously seek to re-create our comfort zone. And sometimes with the music we listen too. I love music, and I know at any given moment, the song I cannot get enough of will tell me something about myself. The songs we "relate" too, tell us something about ourselves, tell other people something about us. Why do we love it so much? What does it do for us? What is it telling us? "And I don't blame you dear for running like you did, all these years, I would do the same you best believe..." Why do I relate to that? Because THAT'S WHAT I DID! FOR YEARSSS. duh. But why listen to it over and over? The past few weeks I have watched the universe very delicately bring up this question, in many different forms. I asked why so many lesbians listen to Ani Difranco and the response I got was "Because she looks like a lesbian and she sings about pain." Made sense.

So what do you relate to? What are your favorite songs, favorite lines? Write it out, and learn something about yourself. I love music. I don't know where I'd be without it! Loving the lyric above tells me that I've forgiven myself for running, for hiding. It tells me that I'm not ashamed anymore, that I accept myself and where I've been, and in the place of anger, I now harbor compassion for myself. :)

And I said I Wasn't Going to Listen...

"What makes it so FUCKING hard to be in a relationship with me?" 


I was watching the L word. After watching yet another relationship slip through her fingers Bette asked Tina this question. I knew so strongly that I needed to hear this answer because I had heard myself ask that very same questions several times... I literally sat up, scooted to the edge of the couch and took a breathe... this was Tina's response:

"You're a control freak. You think your things are more important than everyone else's which makes things really, really hard in a relationship. Your work. Your needs. Your ideas. Are always right, always on a higher plane. You're more enlightened. You're more informed. You're more intuitive."


My fucking jaw dropped. Yup, that definitely sounds like that could fit me. This hit me hard... not to mention I had also just admitted to myself before sitting down to watch that I was refusing to listen to what the universe was gracefully trying to tell me. "You are seeking to find what you want to hear, you're not listening" ... what I heard on my walk about an hour before. I got back. I wanted to eat, but I also knew deep down, my want to eat was an urge to quiet what I didn't want to hear. So I admitted to myself, to God, & to whatever other beings of Light might have been listening that I was WELL AWARE I wasn't listening & really didn't have the desire to do so. However, as I was saying this I found myself sitting on a pillow in my floor. Funny how that happens. Somewhere inside of me, apparently, there was enough willingness (although I didn't see it) to have me sitting in that floor meditation style. I took maybe five deep breaths, but that was all the universe was getting out of me. I got up, got my food, and sat my happy ass in front of the L word. And since I wasn't going to be quiet enough to listen, the universe decided to answer a little more loudly and make it a little more unmistakeable. Hence, the question above.


I decided a couple months ago I was absolutely willing to truly know why relationships seem to be so difficult for me. I always want more. Never want what I have. Nothing is never enough. I equate healthy with boring & hard with worth it, always. I loose myself, collapse within the rush, the feelings, the chemistry. The sheer delight of embarking upon something new. It's exciting. I panic when I realize I'm in too deep & retreat. The need to be in control is so ingrained I'm not even conscious I'm doing it half the time. The other half the time I'm desperately trying to fight it because I don't want to be that person, I don't want to be a control freak. I fight to resist my urge to be in control, because I view it as an unacceptable aspect of my personality. And if you know anything about the shadow effect... THOSE parts of us are what runs & ruins our lives and sabotages our relationships. Not to mention, what you resist, persists. Attempting to focus my thoughts on being at ease with life, putting my energies there. My heart is pounding right now.

I was asked the other day why I hadn't  been in a relationship for longer than a year. She said, "I only ask for the flaws because its like... ok smart, beautiful, wonderful mind, seems like a good happy personality,  likes a lot of the common interests... so whats the catch lol.... mine has always been my work ethic and motivation to my job and learning." I don't remember what my response was... but it sure the hell wasn't this. God bless us, maybe it should have been, lol.


So, what now? Thank the universe for coming across so clearly. Ask for the steps to take so this can be an accepted and positive part of my personality, and the willingness to take those steps as they are shown to me. Either it will be integrated in a more positive fashion, or leave entirely... baby steps...

With Grace, Gratitude, & some humor...

How I Did It

Where I refer people when they ask me how I did it ;) 

I believe the weight on my physical body is a manifestation of emotional pain, anger, and fear. I take a holistic approach to my weight loss and have used hypnotherapy, acupuncture, meditation, personal training, yoga, exercising and building a positive relationship with my body and food. For me, it's a journey of healing, of letting go, and growing. It's about facing fears and loving myself. It's a beautiful journey really, even on the seemingly "hard" days.


31 months ago, I made a decision I was willing to do whatever it took to loose weight, for however long it took. I addressed it on all levels...the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. I found what worked for me, but not without finding out what didn't. I never gave up on the bigger picture. I didn't put a time line on when I'd loose x amount of weight. I saw ONE number, my goal weight and didn't share it with anyone for a VERY long time. Two and a half years later, I think there are five people who know what thaPublish Postt number is. In the beginning, I prayed. I asked God to show me why I was overweight and asked for help. I trusted the perfect people would come into my life at the perfect time, and they did. Early on, I kept a food journal  without counting the calories, it helped me become aware of how much I was eating without overwhelming me. I walked almost everyday for 30 minutes, that's all I could talk myself into doing and even that was a struggle. I saw a personal trainer once a week. I did my best to cut back on how much food I was eating, and make better choices. I gained 12lbs back over the first holiday season! But I refused to stop, I just kept going. To stop was guaranteed failure, at least if I kept going I had a chance. Eventually, I used my "weaknesses" to my advantage. I worked hard, real fucking hard. I got a different trainer, and decided to take a deeper look at the underlying emotional issues. I took hypnotherapy, acupuncture, & yoga. I've been to Overeaters Anonymous, and read three books that changed my life and my relationship with food. (Women, Food, and God. The Yoga of Eating. & A Course In Weight Loss.) I got to know myself & my body. I  learned to trust myself. I asked my body what IT needed and gave it that. Guess what? I'm not on a fucking diet. I've never been on a fucking diet. I eat whatever I really want. But I ask myself... is it worth it? How bad do I REALLY want this? Do I really want it at all? And you know what, when I eat it, I enjoy that shit. Every bite, because it doesn't come without a price. Periodically I will keep a food journal on myfitnesspal.com to keep me conscious of what I'm eating Funny thing is... in not denying myself anything, and listening to my body it has naturally created aversions to certain foods. Most often, I don't even want the shit that's bad for me! But it took me almost two years to get to that point, and it still happens every now and then. It took patience & grace. It took willingness. A willingness to feel all the pain I had been eating away for years. A willingness to trust other people and myself. I seriously, could go on for what could constitute an entire book. Right now, I'm still not on a diet and I work out, do yoga, & train because I love it. I'm still finding what works for me, and if it stops working, I change it. This is my life. I eat less and better, because it's a habit. Because it feels good. Because I eat what my body wants. I finally love myself & my body enough today to want to be good to it. Anything less is unacceptable. Because I've addressed (and still addressing) the underlying issues as to why I was overweight in the first place, God's grace, and a moment of pure willingness to do whatever it took... I've lost 94lbs in two and a half years. It wasn't quick. I wasn't easy. But it was worth it and I'm better for it.

With Grace & Gratitude...

My Fight

Maybe, just maybe, I will be able to pull my thoughts together enough to make some sense here. What is the truth? What do I feel? I'm a fighter. I know the fight. I've fought my entire life. Two days ago I asked God to show me the truth, within minutes I was shuffling through an old journal and this page fell out... "I feel it's much simpler than I'm allowing it to be right now, I'm used to fighting, overcoming, struggling, I'm used to pain and suffering. The only difference between now and then is that I'm going back through to heal it. To see it, feel it, accept it, and let it go. But what then? What do I do then? One who has spent there entire life wading through the puddles of despair. What then when nothing hurts? I'm afraid of coming to the point where nothing hurts" As I approach my goal weight, I've asked myself, with a tinge of fear, "What am I going to do when I hit my goal weight?" What am I going to have to fight for? I have a deep belief that growth doesn't come without suffering, so if I stop suffering, does that mean I stop growing? I live for growth and change. I'm gonna have to re-evaluate that belief.

Going back to we teach best what we most need to learn... I spent the other morning listening to a friend and pretty much telling her to re-evaluate her beliefs, and stop feeling sorry for herself ..."Hope is a candy coated disguise for wanting something other than what we have and a fear we'll never get it. It's rolled in self-pity and can lead one to delude oneself." That was my last text message to her. The universe always has the first move. 6 hours later... I was told pretty much the same thing... "You are purging pain and feeling sorry for yourself..." Funny how that works isn't it?

After working 8 hours, I hit the gym. I ran today faster than I've ever run, for longer than I've ever run. I did shoulder stretches with a bar, a little bit of yoga, several failed attempts a pull ups, then literally just hung from the bar, overhead squats, sit ups, weight sit ups, weighted lunges across the gym and back, back to sit ups... then I sat there. On the little bench that leans back to do sit-ups, again, with my 25lb weight in my hands staring at myself in the mirror. Admitting to myself, what I knew BEFORE I stepped foot into that gym....I was working through something. What was I hiding from? What was I fighting? Tears welled up in my eyes. I heard D.H. Lawerence's poem, "I never saw a wild thing, sorry for itself, a small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough, without ever having felt sorry for itself." Ah, I was in self-pity. I had been feeling sorry for myself randomly for months. Withholding forgiveness from myself, and wanting to "fix" it. Nothing I can do to "fix" it, forgive myself, and it will fix itself. The fight. I was desperately trying to not fight what was, which was manifesting into my physical world by increasing my sessions with Burkey to twice a week, and working with myself in the gym like I never had before, I was having to drag myself out of the gym. I haven't been able to get enough of working real hard, and putting my body through rigorous physical & mental activity. The other night I couldn't sleep because all I was thinking about was lifting really heavy shit, overhead squats, front squats, & dead-lifts. It was as if I couldn't get enough working out. "Working out" ... what are we working out anyways? Shit that's been too deep, for too long. Wear yourself out.

I'm a fighter. There is a warrior inside of me. Giving up that aspect of who I am, is totally out of the question. But balance, that I can work with. Focusing and re-directing that energy, I can do that too. Knowing when to fight, and when to retreat gracefully. Knowing who we are, accepting that, and using that knowledge serve a greater purpose. 

Relinquishing my need to always fight, just might be the greatest fight of my life... 

With Grace & Gratitude...

What Can You Learn In 60 Seconds?

First of all, I'm not sure I believe in failure. I've always believed/said failure is when you stop trying. That failure didn't exist, and I had never failed at anything. Is that an avenue I've used to avoid taking responsibility? To look at someone and say, I gave my best, I truly did. I gave 120% and it just didn't work out, it didn't turn out like I had planned, I didn't achieve my goal. It's difficult for people to see that person as having failed, because they gave everything they had, what else can you give?! How can you fault someone who walked away/quit/gave up... ONLY when they truly had nothing left to give? I sure don't. I don't fault anyone, including myself. I respect them, I admire them. But what happens when we feel we gave everything we had, only to find out in one quick instant, that obviously we had not... because if we had, we wouldn't be doing what we are in that particular instant of realization.

"An all out minute on the airdyne will, always, teach you something." - b

I had been there before. For 60 seconds, you give every last drop of yourself. Mentally, emotionally, & physically. And spiritually for that matter, because nothing fucking matters for that 60 seconds. Because this 60 seconds is between you & the airdyne, God has nothing to do with it. I was ready and willing to give it my all, everything. Was a plan beneficial or not? Because yes, I initially had one. I know how easy the first 20 seconds are, and how quickly the airdyne takes from you, relentlessly. I had assimilated a bit of a plan, was it in fact beneficial?  Guess will find out next time, when I go in without one. However, 36 seconds in, I truly felt I had nothing left. NOTHING. Like I was giving 150%, and was watching & feeling myself slow down beyond my control. Helpless. I muttered the words on the exhale of an exhausted breath, "I GOT NOTHING" somewhere between 36 & 53 seconds. Instant WTF moment. Instant rage. REALLY? You got nothing?!?! Cause saying those words alone, JUST said you had SOMETHING! Are you fucking kidding me? That was two days ago, I'm still pissed about it. I feel I gave up. I was ready to give up & I almost did until I uttered those words, shattering what I considered absolutely true & honest. Made the fact that I did break my record, meaningless. Is that really it? I'm angry because I ALMOST gave up? Most people congratulate themselves for not giving up when they wanted to, but I'm pissed at myself because I thought about it? Because I almost did? lol That's kind of ridiculous! Incredibly high standards even fore me. Eh, No. I'm angry because I was so fucking sure, POSITIVE without one shred of doubt... I had given everything, only to find out, I hadn't. How many other times in my life had this happened? I doubted everything I ever believed about myself in that moment.

Since then, I've wanted nothing more to get back on that bike. As if to tell it, I'll show you, you're not going to beat me, you are not going to take me back to that moment. I'm ready, lets go again. I won't want to quit at any point. But really now? Let's be honest. It's not about the bike. It doesn't give a shit. The only thing we are battling is ourselves & let me tell you, those who show up at the station, willing to do the work know how to battle. And for most of us, it takes way more strength to surrender than it does to keep fighting.

With Humility, Willingness, & Courage...

Know Thyself

Endorphins are my drug of choice, and the gym is my dealer.

A thought I had earlier as I was going to town on the elliptical and when time was up decided it wasn't enough, I wanted more. I restarted the timer. My core was burning, my shoulders ached, my whole body hurt so much from the workout the night before at the station I felt a vague sense of nausea and overall feeling like shit. Like the enormous amount of muscle breakdown and rebuilding I had put my body through the night before was releasing toxins into my blood stream. I had been drinking water and detox tea all day to flush out my system, I was using the elliptical to push it out. Whatever it was I was fighting with today. Whatever was really cursing through my veins. I got off the elliptical after 54 minutes only because I began to question whether or not I was working smart. Wondering where that line was at, how much more could I hurt my body today and it not be equivalent to taking a knife to my skin? So, I got on the treadmill and walked, then did yoga. Now here I am, pheeneing. Ready to go back, for more. To the gym. The question then became... Dot, what are running from? What are you trying to ignore? Who cares if you didn't stuff your face, or pick up a bottle... the gym is your drug of choice, going again would constitute a act of avoidance. Avoidance of whatever I was feeling, or not wanting to admit to myself. So, WHAT THE FUCK IS IT?

I don't like not getting what I want. I don't like things NOT going my way, actually, I fucking hate it. I can know in my gut that the way it is happening is best, and STILL be fucking pissed. I can be mad simply because it didn't go the way I wanted and see that it's working out just fine! I thought back to the times in my life when I didn't get what I wanted on how enraged I became and exauhstingly sought out multiple avenues to try and get what I wanted. When I totaled my car, I tried to buy it back as SCRAP so I could then pay out of pocket to have it pieced back together, because it BARELY made the  total loss percentage, and I wanted it to NOT be totaled!!! I kept those keys, and license plate for probably two years. I have a hard time letting go when something doesn't go the way I wanted it to. Because somewhere inside of me I believe there is still SOMETHING I can do to bring about my desired outcome. I believe, "There's nothing I/we can do" is a lame bullshit excuse, a fucking cop out. There's ALWAYS something you can do. Maybe the lesson here for me is, the something I can do is let go. To let it be. To do, nothing. Whether it is true or not, I believe in my head there are very few things I've ever wanted & not gotten. I've said for years the only two things I didn't get as I child that I wanted were an easy bake oven & a tree house. The go kart, trampoline, sandbox, four wheeler, brand new car, the leather jacket I saw and "just had to have" my mother drove over an hour to go get, that day where all mine. I'm spoiled. The reason I have an emotional reaction to being told that is because it's true. If you have an emotional reaction to something, it's because that shit hits you in the fucking core. Because it hurts. It hits a part of you that is obviously there, because it hurts, but you can't see it, so then you're confused. I'm spoiled. I've spent my whole life getting just about everything I want. And when I don't get it, I get pissed. I don't know what to do. Being okay with not getting what I want is not a skill I've had to cultivate! I always get what I want. Typing that I know it's not entirely true, and it's coming straight from a cocky ego. But that's what flew out of my fingers just now. And it's not about the attainment, it's about the pursuit. It's always been about the pursuit. That's why... myself, and many of us, don't always want what it once we get it. Because it's never about what we initially think it's about. 

Acceptance of how, not who, but how we are, our perceived "weaknesses" can be a very positive propelling force. It's not about ridding ourselves of that aspect of our personality. It's about owning it, guiding it, using it to our advantage. It's about not being afraid of it, so when we notice it trickling out into the aspect of our lives where it can cause damage, we tell it to back the fuck off, this isn't where it belongs. Or watch it disappear because it no longer serves a purpose.

My intense dislike for not getting what I want work to my advantage beautifully in attaining goals like nursing school, getting sober, weight loss...tangible, measurable goals. It gives me drive, determination. A fire. But not so much when there are other people involved. It can be too much for them. You cannot make another person do anything. If you think you can you are delusional. They have a choice. Any force from you would be immoral, manipulative, & create so dirty karma. I like balance. In the physical material world, I have a lot of control. I create my life. In the arena of human relationships, where so many invisible forces are involved, I have very little... if any. A beautiful balance. I have control only over myself. My actions, my emotions, & my thoughts. And that control comes with practice. Acceptance is something I have control over, it too is a choice. Life is about choices. Make a fucking choice. I wrote that on the inside cover of my Big Book for Alcoholics Anonymous "Get busy living or get busy dying. Make a choice" and I did. I chose alright, and I am better for it. 

Today I chose to acknowledge aspects of my personality I didn't really want to admit to before. It takes more courage to admit a weakness than it does strength to hide it. I also asked today, what my relationship to my Self was... we aren't even going to go there right now. The only place I'm going, is to the gym....

"I really don't like not getting what I want. Actually, I fucking hate it. I can KNOW I'm better off without it but still be pissed because it didn't go MY way. LMAO. I just wanted to tell somebody that wouldn't judge me..." - My text to a friend about 5 minutes before this blog. His response...

"dot, I am constantly judging you and everyone around me. I will say that you measure up quite well. I am proud of you and how hard you work, and how you think and pay attention." and that is why I work with him.

With Grace & Gratitude...

FACT

FACT: My last 4 blogs have been about trust, letting go of control, and my utter desperation to be able to do those things.

    I'm watching aspects of my personality surface in such a way I'm stunned when I notice them.... "Where the fuck did that just come from?" seems to be my usual & initial response. I'm quiet. Receptive. I spent two hours with my hypnotherapist today. I need some more self control, self-trust. To trust myself to do the right thing, to listen for and carry out guided action. To fully know in the deepest core of my being, that everything is working out just as it should... and taking responsibility for my life & take it as it comes.

Love & Light,
Dottie

Losing My Self In Relationships

        I have difficulty not loosing myself in a relationship and being consumed by it. Things done daily become expected, and I loose my gratitude for them. So when the AREN'T done I'm like wtf. I feel J feels pressured to do things she's found herself doing daily, like good morning text messages and good night phone calls. Pressured to tip toe around my sensitivity. I don't need someone to cater to me. I need someone to be understanding and loving, but not cater. Catering to my sensitivities & insecurities, is not going to be what helps me grow. I jut told her maybe we should use this trip as a break from each other, to not talk till after the weekend is over. Maybe on her way back to MI? I did questions myself, and ask if this was me implementing my control issues? Security.    I come to expect things from her that she does often. These daily things provide me a sense of security within the relationship, and when they don't happen I freak out. I get confused. Because what I expected to happen didn't. Fear of the unknown. My brain starts talking shit and I find myself in a tizzy. SO MUCH FEAR. I pulled some cards today... "New Love" - "Be open to changes in your current relationship. A rekindled passion or an ending making way for something better." (Not in those exact words) but my FIRST THOUGHT was... But I don't want a new relationship!!! I want this one! How do I know whether I want the next relationship or not? I have no idea! It could be the most amazing relationship of my life! lol  I was denying the gifts of the universe. "What are you not receiving?" A question I was asked about a week ago. I'm not receiving what the universe is bringing to me. I pick and choose based on my understanding, perceptions, and predictions. I'm asking for something, then saying no thanks without. I HAVE NO TRUST. I'm denying magic & miracles, unless it's something I want. My wants (my ego) are getting in my way. Imagine that.


So what now? I think I'm gonna pick back up with Pia Medly's Co-dependency book. Not talk to J for a few days, and TRUST.

Love & Light,
Dottie

Desperation

"I no longer need to control or predict the outcome of this situation. I am free."

The affirmation I've been reciting for WEEKS, maybe months at this point. I'm frustrated. Crying. Grasping at various reasons... when I found myself reaching outward, I knew I was getting further and further away from the truth. A desperate plea to God, I don't want to be in control anymore, please show me how to let go. To stop fighting life, stop trying to control it. I've felt it, for breif moments... but how to get back there? How to learn everything I need to learn so it is no longer an issue. How to transcend this aspect of who I am? Love it. Love it entirely? Stop fighting it. Stop getting angry that it's here again, approach with curiosity and compassion. Advice I've given a hundred times. I'm so tired. So tired of repeating this cycle. But apparently, not tired enough.

Allowing Others, Yet Denying Myself

"I allow others to be who they are, yet deny myself the same freedom."

That was the thought I had this morning. Then I reflected up on it. Recently I've realized I'm always on guard just a little, there's always a wall there about halfway. I'm always afraid of what people are going to cause to rise up within my psyche. Afraid of what they will do to my serenity, my emotional or spiritual energies. I'm all about protecting myself because I don't know what demons you've got lurking in and around you, and I sure the hell don't need them, I have enough of my own. I'm afraid of people making me angry, afraid of people draining me, needing me too much (because I'm afraid of letting them down. So if I don't allow people to "need" me then, I can't let them down." In meditation this morning I thought of how many times I've said, "I'm afraid of myself." The amount of fear that I have hidden for 25 years is astounding. I'm like really? I'm riddled with fear. If I cannot be comfortable with myself and God, it's nearly impossible to be comfortable with anyone else. If I'm terrified that *I* am going to hurt me, then why would I think anyone else won't? I can't/don't even trust myself. It's no wonder I trust no one else. The safest I do feel is with myself, yet I still don't feel safe. I'm afraid of the feelings I may feel when no one else is around, and although it has been quite some time since I have physically hurt myself, the fear that obsession or compulsion may return is there. A Course in Weight Loss says being alone with our addiction or compulsion is like being alone with a mad man. It's true. The remedy is to reach out, to be with people. Which is also true. I've seen it be true in my recovery from alcoholism. I've blogged before that I think the reason I like to blog is because it's a false sense of intimacy. If I blog publicly, I'm not entirely hiding, but God forbid I tell you this in person. I told mys sponsor the other day something along the lines of I don't feel deserving of the good people do for me. She said that was bullshit. She was right, I knew it, but I needed to know if what was bullshit... then what was the truth. It's not that I don't feel deserving. It's that I don't want to feel obligated. If you do for me, then I feel like I have to do for you, well I don't like doing ANYTHING I feel like I have to do. I like to do what Dottie likes to do. I had a friend get me something really sweet for my birthday last year. I got her nothing. I feel guilt EVERY. SINGLE. TIME I think about the fact she got me something, and I got her nothing. I look at my Uncle and think, nothing I ever do in my life can repay him for what he's given and done for me. I can't give him back the 30,000 + miles I've probably put on his Envoy. I can't give him back the 5,000 dollars I owe him right now. I can't give back to him the time and energy he has spent helping me get on my feet. How do I repay him when my debt is having a roof over my head for no other reason that he loves me and wants me to do well? I can't pay that back. Shit, apparently I can't even accept it. So, maybe under the I don't want to receive because I don't want to feel obligated to repay, is I just don't know how to receive. I don't know how to just allow good in. I want to give it away as quickly as I get it. Because I'm a very blessed woman, and I want to give to others, but first I need to give to myself. Or is it the other way around? :) All I know is that I got up at 5:30 this morning, I've meditated and my coffee turned out great. I also know that know matter what is going on in my head, God ha something bigger going on in my heart.

"I'm receiving all good now." - The card I drew this morning. Quite fitting.

Dear God, may I find safety, security, and Love within myself and You. May I receive all good graciously and know I am deserving. My I give good graciously as I am guided by You. Thank you for my willingness and clarity to know myself better. Thank you for the miracles happening at this very moment. Amen

Love & Light
Dottie

Love Is My Weakness

"FOR GOD SAKES CATHY, WHATEVER YOU DO, DON"T DO THE SAME FUCKING THING YOU'VE BEEN DOING!!!" ... "If her actions bother me THAT much, what is this relfecting back at me?"

Love and the potential for it is my weakness. Always has been. I wanted it so badly, I would throw everything else in my life out of balance. It's then I'm sent into a tail spin of anger, lonliness, and tears. I never realized how badly I do want a good man in my life. One who is just as much in love with me as I am with him. I almost began giving a list of things, but they felt generic and not neccissarly what I want but what I think I would want. I just want him to love me as much if not more than I love him. I've spent three days analyzing, exploring, praying, searching, and crying. There was tons of crying, hysterical crying. I needed that. Here's what I learned...


1) I am insecure in regards to relationships. In most other areas of my life it doesn't exist and when it does it exists in trace amounts and doesn't seem to adversly effect my life, but not relationships. It runs them. I become overwhelmed by my own insecurities which make me act out irrationally and emotionally, then I get pissed because I'm really not a crazy lady, although it seems that way. That blew my mind. I had no idea. I thought I could take em or leave it, I was wrong. I wanted it. It was either all or nothing. I found myself reaching back to men I used to date or sleep with. Thinking maybe THEY had the answer, maybe THEY could tell me where I go wrong. I swear, they must all think I've got more issues than Time magazine. But I reached to them because I was seeking relief from my insecurities. I didn't want ot scare away the new guy with my irrational fears and overly emotional antics, so let's just contact the last guy who already knows I'm a wreck, because I couldn't care less what HE thinks of me at this point, he's already seen the worst of me, so I can let it all go. I don't care if he hangs around or not anymore. But within my being able to let go completely and be open and honest with the last him. I would find that I feet closer to them and I start missing them, and start asking myself Do I still love him? Do I want to be with him? What am I doing with this new guy? The phone calls, texts, and contact becomes more frequent, and then fear sets in... What the fuck am I doing? REALLY, what the fuck am I doing? Well, I was desperately trying to ease my insecurites I was, up until now, too afraid to face.

3) I have been incredibly selfish. It has been always about me. I come and go as I please, often forgetting that men have feelings too. I come without regard to what THEIR relationship status is at this point, and if my actions might adverserly effect that. If I can't have what I want, I don't want anything, because I refuse to take whatever they were willing to give me, again. I've been there, and by God's grace I won't go there again. It has always been about me and my issues, my fears. I need this or I need that. Finally, the tables where turned and he needed this or that... and I was finding that real hard to give to him. Now, I think I'm able to do so. I look back and admire A's patience with me, using that as an example. Thank you A, for loving me enough to allow the much needed healing to take place. May I find it within me to always Love enough to allow the needed healing to take place, without the malicious desires of the ego interefering.

4) I also discovered...once I decided that I wass willing to give the guy a chance, I'm wide open... and thus is were my boundary issues lied and if THEY have boundaries... I'm just shocked and have no idea what to do with them. I get the jist of what they are for and do my best to respect them, but I would struggle.... and they wouldn't know it. Once I had made the decision that I would date them, it was a free for all until if and when I decided I was done... or you decided. There are steps, apparently... steps in which I had always totally disregarded. I was just like here I am.... all of me!  Do you want me?! If you do, just incase here I am! I'll await your every phone call, text message, and eagerly await the next time I'll see you. I'll switch my entire schedul around to make time for you. Really?! *shakes head :) Well, NO ONE is ready to handle all of someone in the first few weeks of knowing them especially this girl ;)... and that's with ANY relationship, even friendships! lol I have to laugh at myself. The jist... I was guilty of making myself too available.

5) My deep desire for a fulfilling relationship throws my entire life out of balance the moment a potential relationship rears it's head. I strive to maintain balance on a daily basis. Without balance, I will loose my fucking mind. Balance is ESSENTIAL to my well-being. It's almost like a war within myself, part of me wants love and the other balance. And up until now, I didn't know how to have both. When I feel myself going out of balance I begin to feverishly try and balance thus igniting my control issues, causing me to be manipulative. Manipulative in the sense of doing/saying things to bring about my desired result. I do things I think they would like or make them want to be with me more... and I JUST learned about a month ago... THAT breeds resentment within me. When I do things because I feel like I "have to" or "should" and they don't react how I wanted them to, I become extremely angry and frustrated, but THEY can't know that because it's absolutely irrational. I'm mad at them because they didn't do what I wanted them to when they had no idea I wanted them to in the first place?! WOW! C'mon!!! lol. This is one vicious cycle. Because once I realize I've done this I become rittled with guilt and anger because I've spent the last 3 years of my life striving to overcome these tendencies, and here they are again!? UGH! The old habits of self destruction begin knocking on my door at this point because I'm so scattered and so vunerable. Metaphorically speaking, I've taken all that I am and laid it out on the table for evaluation. What serves my highest purpose? I take what works for me and I leave the rest. If it doesn't serve my highest good, it's got to go. It is in that moment the only thing that stands between me and some form of self destructing behavior is God himself, I have no defenses. I'm grateful to say by God's grace, I slep while He cleaned the table.

6) Lastly, I learned to identify impatience, and realized in most other areas of my life, like 98% I'm able to sit back, relax, and know that everything will work out the best possible way, that God and the Angels have everything taken care of. Except when it comes to me being in a relationship. I found it difficult to wait and let them work their magic, I always try to work my own, which is never magic at all really... just fear based impatience. I pull cards, check my intuitive friends intuition, check numerology, check whatever the hell else I can get my hands on so I can have some idea what to expect, because NOT KNOWING apparently terrifies me. Then I always end up where I started... powerless, clueless, and single lol

Thank God the only two things needed to change are awareness and willingness. I've had the willingness for sometime, just not the awareness... and here it is.

God, I offer myself to thee. To build with me and do with me as thy wilt. Please remove me from the bondage of self, so that I may better do they will. Please take away my difficulties, may victory over them bear witness to those I may help of they love, they power, and they way of life. May I do thy will always. Amen.

Dear Angels, let me not sign off without acknowledging your constant stream of Love, support, and guidance. I have felt you very close over the last few days. I am grateful for that closeness and all you do for me and those I love. Please help keep my life balanced and full of Love, may I always be aware of my thoughts, actions, and words and how they are affecting my life and others.

Love & Light
Dottie

Pain & Change

"When the pain is great enough, you will change."

A belief that has carried me over many obstacles in the last couple of years.  Today, something shifted.  I haven't ran in a week, I had lost my desire to run.  It's the week I bump up to running 5 min solid, and have no desire to do that.  Can I do it physically? Yes, I've done it before.   All that kept running through my head is how boring it is going ot be to run for 5 minutes, and yes granted at about 3.5 minutes are start thinking how much this is really starting to suck.... but for the most part I keep thinking this is boring I don't want to run for 5 minutes. So I asked myself if it was just the running I didn't want to do or running for the five minutes... it was just the five minutes, I really wanted to run. 

So, I ran, I ran two minute intervals for 20 min at a little bit faster past because I like runnin fast... and I felt amazing.  It was easy. I can very comfortable run that.  As I was asking myself what was going on with me, what where my feelings? My thoughts? Any fears? Any expecations? Were they reasonable expectations or was my sometimes over-acheiving nature begninning to play a part,  It was none of that. I saw myself in the circuit training class a few days before where I wasn't pushing myself as hard as I used to. Once the physical pain became too uncomfortable I stopped, I didn't see the point in continuing that particular cycle.

I have lost the desire to push myself outside of my comfort zone because there is no more pain. I am content. The pain  of where I am no longer supercedes the pain it will take to get to where I'm going.

 My sense of I hurt so bad emotionally, physically, spiritually, I am willing to near kill myself to make this change... is gone.  I'm no longer a broken, shattered mess that is feverishly searching for a way out of where I am.  I've embraced where I am. I have become whole.  Pain has always been my biggest movitvator my entire life.  Pain has drove me to the darkest depths of my darkest days, and then turned right around and brought me to a place of utter joy, serenity, and peace. 

I sat in the gym this morning and laughed.  I was grateful for the pain and for the freedom. I was grateful for everything I had been through and been given... and then wondered if there is no more pain, what will be my biggest motivator? If I seek pain, I would find it. But why would I do that? To begin another vicious cycle? No worries, I won't be seeking pain. If I were to seek out pain, simply to motivate myself I would simply be using my old self-destructive tendencies... as someone once told me "You were everything you've been through like a badge of honor, what are you gonna put yourself through next? When are you going to stop?" Right now. (Well, Right then actually) There was a shift.  I've known nothing but struggle my entire life. Facing a demon, only to fight it.  I don't have to fight anymore.  I've chosen to not suffer. Those words spoken to me those few months ago reverberated through my being into eternity.  A change occured, instantaneously.

So what now?  Continue to enjoy where I am.  Give my body what it needs, my inner child what it wants, and my God my life while remembering only the lessons and the Love, and keeping it moving. All within a beautiful balance.  Letting go, and breathing... always.  Honoring myself and others.  A psychic told me about 2 and half years ago as I grew spiritually, the weight would literally fall off, hmph.  I went back to that moment just now and smiled. It's neat how I can look back on THAT moment while seeing this one, but couldn't see this moment, while being in that one...

Love & Light
Dottie