I'm feeling slightly aphotic today. I woke up like this. Emotional, antsy, fearful. But I'm sitting here aside my abnormally large living room window staring at fresh snow and watching a kitten play with the string on the window blinds. Tears still want to well up in my eyes. It doesn't feel so much like a sadness as it does a sensitivity, a rawness. I don't know if it's my lack of sleep or the Marianne Williamson that has been playing in my ears the last couple days, talking about why we really choose to carry extra weight on our bodies. The "writing prompt" about "what was the most difficult thing, person, idea, dream, you've ever had to let go of" probably didn't help either. But it's probably way more beautiful than all of that. I'm opening again. I can feel it. My heart is nestling in with another. There is a palpable readiness and desire to start and experience a life with her. To love her forever, at our best, at our worst. To finally be half of a whole.
This has not been able to take place without releasing all of you at various times in my life, those who have come before her. Those of you who have added to the artistic tapestry of my life. My blogs, my journals, they will hold so many names in infinitude, as each of you came through and touched my life one by one.
I wrote about you today, the hardest person I ever had to let go of. I described it as an "unrealistic devastation" and how I carried you into the first two years of my following relationship. I still remember what your heart looked like, the way I described it to you, with lights and carousels. I honestly thought I'd carry you forever, that I'd never let you go. But I did. The nights what if's, of driving, wondering, and yearning to feel your heart out there in the world, have dissipated.
And you, it's been almost six months. Six months since we ended our three and a half year relationship. My mother said to give it six months, and I would be okay. She put a time line on it. The infinite pain and fear and guilt I felt seemed to radiate without limits. But she gave me a timeline, a goal, something I could focus on and keep moving. That was the most profound and simple piece of advice anyone gave me after our separation.
So, this is to all the you's, that helped escort me here to her. Who brought me home. Those who weren't able, weren't willing, or simply didn't want it. She has been brave and steadfast in her declaration of love for me. I have looked at her with fearful trembling eyes and wondered if I could ever love her the way she loves me. The answer to that is yes, a resounding yes. She is the one. I'm not sure I've ever told her that. I write better than I speak. I can finally understand the sentiment of being grateful for all potential lovers who didn't choose me or left me.. They were simply paving the road for her to find me. For us to find each other. Every heartache was worth it. I have never met someone so much my equal, someone who is my most exciting companion, even at our quietest and most simple moments. I've never met someone who can swim with me so easily in the space of being and passion.
With Grace & Gratitude...
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Thursday, January 14, 2016
Monday, August 24, 2015
Bowing Out
I know there will come a time when I will want her back. A moment, or string of moments which will make me second guess her leaving, my motives, and my own truth. This relationship was wrong for me in so many ways, for both of us, I just wish I would've had the courage to tell her that before I cheated. This has kind of been my mantra the last couple days. Reviewing the course of a relationship is tricky. Perception is reality, and we look for we will find. Right now I'm looking at all the "bad" things. All the things that tore at my self-esteem, encouraged a loss of self, all the things that support the idea that "Yes, it was time for this relationship to end. We are both better off for it." But what about later? When I cross a threshold of a place in my life I had planned go to go with her? What about those nights when loneliness crawls into my bed? What will I look for then, in the analysis of my once relationship? I'll tell you what I will look for.... I will look for those times that she forgave me for being a little crazy, those times she kissed my face and told me how much she loved me. The surprises she gave, the yogurt she kept stocked in the fridge, and the beef jerky she'd bring me on a bad day. I will remember the football games, and the random dancing emoji's. I will see her nephews faces and feel her mothers arms around my neck telling me how much she loves me. I will smell fall and fresh cut grass. Then, I will remember when she took an hour out of her day to bring me scrubs and in return received a text message not meant for her. My heart will ache for forgiveness and for her sadness.. Tears will fall for being the executioner of the life of everything she always wanted, and I will want her back. I will want another chance to give her the life I promised her when she put that ring on my finger.
When those moments come, because they will, I will remind myself of these things.... I never felt I could be myself in this relationship. I struggled to find balance between my relationship and my passions. She didn't like my family, and I am ashamed I allowed her so much freedom in dictating how often and how long they could visit my home. There was always something missing. Some kind of block, added pressure, some kind of something that created tension. Like puzzle pieces that fit, but barely. You had to really push them down and no matter what, there was still that tiny section that just wouldn't touch. I will remind myself that she tried; we both tried. That in the end, it was the best it had ever been, We loved each other deeply, but still that voice inside of me said it was time to go. I will ask myself, even with her flaws, if she helps me become the best version of myself. I will ask myself, if I stand in the way of her path. Those are deal breaker questions.
So here I sit, in the aftermath of a three and a half year break-up allowing the healing process to happen. I sit in the house we bought together, in the town she grew up in, two hours from the place I've called home for the last decade. But that's okay, I love this house and I like to think there is a reason I am still here. This is real life. It's my life, and for the first time, I finally feel I can live it without consulting anyone first.
It's a freedom I have wanted for a long time and was way to afraid to admit it. But I'm here now, and if this relationship wasn't right for me; I can only imagine it wasn't right for her either. Otherwise, we still be in it together. It's about allowing what doesn't work anymore fall away. We fought the good fight. We will both be better for it.
"To know know when to bend and when to leap- when to bow out, and when to hurl our passions like buckets of paint across a stage."
With Grace & Gratitude...
When those moments come, because they will, I will remind myself of these things.... I never felt I could be myself in this relationship. I struggled to find balance between my relationship and my passions. She didn't like my family, and I am ashamed I allowed her so much freedom in dictating how often and how long they could visit my home. There was always something missing. Some kind of block, added pressure, some kind of something that created tension. Like puzzle pieces that fit, but barely. You had to really push them down and no matter what, there was still that tiny section that just wouldn't touch. I will remind myself that she tried; we both tried. That in the end, it was the best it had ever been, We loved each other deeply, but still that voice inside of me said it was time to go. I will ask myself, even with her flaws, if she helps me become the best version of myself. I will ask myself, if I stand in the way of her path. Those are deal breaker questions.
So here I sit, in the aftermath of a three and a half year break-up allowing the healing process to happen. I sit in the house we bought together, in the town she grew up in, two hours from the place I've called home for the last decade. But that's okay, I love this house and I like to think there is a reason I am still here. This is real life. It's my life, and for the first time, I finally feel I can live it without consulting anyone first.
It's a freedom I have wanted for a long time and was way to afraid to admit it. But I'm here now, and if this relationship wasn't right for me; I can only imagine it wasn't right for her either. Otherwise, we still be in it together. It's about allowing what doesn't work anymore fall away. We fought the good fight. We will both be better for it.
"To know know when to bend and when to leap- when to bow out, and when to hurl our passions like buckets of paint across a stage."
With Grace & Gratitude...
Sunday, July 27, 2014
A Continuation of Transformation
I continue to recite & remind myself... control your anger, restrain your impulses, & keep your faith firm. That sentiment seems to cover the things which have been causing me the most suffering. I can see a difference in my life. Like the way Angie responds to me and operates within our relationship. She's more at ease. I am sleeping better, and my anxiety is lower.
Keep your faith firm.
I was asked twice by patients families in the last 2 days if I were a Christian. I felt pressured to verbalize my beliefs and explain my concept of God as I understand It which I often stumble and stammer over. I look to connect others through the conversations of religion, spirituality, and God. Maybe if we focus on our commonalities instead of our differences we could cultivate more peace instead of anger and war. The question being asked within the context of my job and my relationship with a dying person's family only enhanced my desire to connect instead of separate, while remaining true to myself.
The conversation went well. I told her that no I did not identify as a Christian, I believe there is truth in all religions, and I support whatever helps you to be a better person and bring good into the world.
In hindsight I guess could have just said I support religious freedom? Eh, that's more like half of it. Because it isn't just about religion, it's about spirituality. I support love, and all belief systems including that. After a few moments I shared with her that I personally do believe in God, I do pray, and I do believe there is life after this one. I offered her another nurse who she mentioned shared her belief system to come the rest of the weekend. She declined but later accepted my offer and that was perfectly fine with me. I did not take it personal, I wasn't angry. I arranged for spiritual care and made a request for the other nurse. The patient himself seems to be struggling with his belief system at this juncture in his life; the crossroads of life & death. And the family is seeking support in theirs. My job as a Hospice nurse & child of God is to do what I can to create a peaceful transition, and if there is someone who can be of more assistance in this situation, it becomes my job to get them.
So in keeping my faith firm, I have been forced to verbalize and clarify my beliefs. To sit with them and review them. To go within my heart and see what feels right, and how I connect with God. Of course after being the very next day the exact same question, it became apparent that God want me to ponder some things, and I did. I realized it has been a VERY long time since I felt that overwhelming presence of God. I miss that feeling. I found it most often in working with people who were suffering, who were struggling. People who were sitting at their bottom desperate for release and surrender was there only option. I felt God most often there, working miracles in their lives. Our lives. I was not excluded from this experience. It has been in the dark moments of my life I have felt God the strongest. The most fearful, but the most liberating. So now what? Now that my life has come into the Light, and the freedom and Love I have worked so hard for is here. Give thanks. Give back. Make a point to still connect with God through prayer & conversations.
I find it all so fascinating, the beliefs people have. I don't think any two of us share exactly the same set of beliefs, but we can find commonalities. We can seek to create harmony and inclusion instead of separateness. We've been fighting wars for years over who's right and who's wrong. Maybe it's time we took a different approach. Let's practice Love. They say that's what God is anyway. Maybe it really is that simple.
With Grace & Gratitude....
Keep your faith firm.
I was asked twice by patients families in the last 2 days if I were a Christian. I felt pressured to verbalize my beliefs and explain my concept of God as I understand It which I often stumble and stammer over. I look to connect others through the conversations of religion, spirituality, and God. Maybe if we focus on our commonalities instead of our differences we could cultivate more peace instead of anger and war. The question being asked within the context of my job and my relationship with a dying person's family only enhanced my desire to connect instead of separate, while remaining true to myself.
The conversation went well. I told her that no I did not identify as a Christian, I believe there is truth in all religions, and I support whatever helps you to be a better person and bring good into the world.
In hindsight I guess could have just said I support religious freedom? Eh, that's more like half of it. Because it isn't just about religion, it's about spirituality. I support love, and all belief systems including that. After a few moments I shared with her that I personally do believe in God, I do pray, and I do believe there is life after this one. I offered her another nurse who she mentioned shared her belief system to come the rest of the weekend. She declined but later accepted my offer and that was perfectly fine with me. I did not take it personal, I wasn't angry. I arranged for spiritual care and made a request for the other nurse. The patient himself seems to be struggling with his belief system at this juncture in his life; the crossroads of life & death. And the family is seeking support in theirs. My job as a Hospice nurse & child of God is to do what I can to create a peaceful transition, and if there is someone who can be of more assistance in this situation, it becomes my job to get them.
So in keeping my faith firm, I have been forced to verbalize and clarify my beliefs. To sit with them and review them. To go within my heart and see what feels right, and how I connect with God. Of course after being the very next day the exact same question, it became apparent that God want me to ponder some things, and I did. I realized it has been a VERY long time since I felt that overwhelming presence of God. I miss that feeling. I found it most often in working with people who were suffering, who were struggling. People who were sitting at their bottom desperate for release and surrender was there only option. I felt God most often there, working miracles in their lives. Our lives. I was not excluded from this experience. It has been in the dark moments of my life I have felt God the strongest. The most fearful, but the most liberating. So now what? Now that my life has come into the Light, and the freedom and Love I have worked so hard for is here. Give thanks. Give back. Make a point to still connect with God through prayer & conversations.
I find it all so fascinating, the beliefs people have. I don't think any two of us share exactly the same set of beliefs, but we can find commonalities. We can seek to create harmony and inclusion instead of separateness. We've been fighting wars for years over who's right and who's wrong. Maybe it's time we took a different approach. Let's practice Love. They say that's what God is anyway. Maybe it really is that simple.
With Grace & Gratitude....
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Priorities
"No one more directly affects your life than the person you choose to spend it with."
Just incase you were wondering... that's my quote, I said that. And it's true. I would imagine most people's initial response would be NO! My children do! Well, yes, children do very much and very drastically affect your life, but who affects those children almost as much as you do? The person you choose to spend your life with. If they parent those children or not, that person directly affects everything in your life. So the question then becomes, do you like how this person affects your life?
There comes a point when your family takes precedence. The family that becomes yours, that you create should be your primary focus. Everything and everyone else becomes secondary. No that doesn't meant do not take care of yourself or pursue your dreams, if anyone knows me they know I am a huge advocate of change, taking leaps, and being true to yourself. But I do believe there is a level of respect and honor that you give your immediately family (you, your significant other, and your children) that places them above other members of your family such as your parents and your siblings. As we grow, the roles people play in our lives change. And at one point, your parents and your siblings were your immediate family and they did come first, but somehow that shifts, and it needs to. Everyone goes on their own way. I'm not saying do not help your family, because yes, that IS what family does, we love and support each other. We give of ourselves, our energy, our money, our space, etc... when we can. When our family is taken care of. Just as you cannot take care of anyone else if you haven't taken care of yourself. The family you create becomes part of you. They are an extension of you and before you can give to someone outside that, you must ensure that all is well within. Let me be clear that I am not talking about someone whom you are dating, or been in a long term relationship but have not made that commitment to each other. I am also not talking about those people who have a tendency to forget everyone and everything and loose themselves within each relationship that comes along and lasts only months. I'm talking about those who have decided that yes, this person is this person I want to spend my life with, and make that decision again and again.
That's were I'm at. I'm grateful for it, and I offer no apologies. This is a beautiful life. Far greater than I ever imagined. Even on the rough days, I love the way she affects my life. The bigger picture always brings me home.
With Grace & Gratitude...
Just incase you were wondering... that's my quote, I said that. And it's true. I would imagine most people's initial response would be NO! My children do! Well, yes, children do very much and very drastically affect your life, but who affects those children almost as much as you do? The person you choose to spend your life with. If they parent those children or not, that person directly affects everything in your life. So the question then becomes, do you like how this person affects your life?
There comes a point when your family takes precedence. The family that becomes yours, that you create should be your primary focus. Everything and everyone else becomes secondary. No that doesn't meant do not take care of yourself or pursue your dreams, if anyone knows me they know I am a huge advocate of change, taking leaps, and being true to yourself. But I do believe there is a level of respect and honor that you give your immediately family (you, your significant other, and your children) that places them above other members of your family such as your parents and your siblings. As we grow, the roles people play in our lives change. And at one point, your parents and your siblings were your immediate family and they did come first, but somehow that shifts, and it needs to. Everyone goes on their own way. I'm not saying do not help your family, because yes, that IS what family does, we love and support each other. We give of ourselves, our energy, our money, our space, etc... when we can. When our family is taken care of. Just as you cannot take care of anyone else if you haven't taken care of yourself. The family you create becomes part of you. They are an extension of you and before you can give to someone outside that, you must ensure that all is well within. Let me be clear that I am not talking about someone whom you are dating, or been in a long term relationship but have not made that commitment to each other. I am also not talking about those people who have a tendency to forget everyone and everything and loose themselves within each relationship that comes along and lasts only months. I'm talking about those who have decided that yes, this person is this person I want to spend my life with, and make that decision again and again.
That's were I'm at. I'm grateful for it, and I offer no apologies. This is a beautiful life. Far greater than I ever imagined. Even on the rough days, I love the way she affects my life. The bigger picture always brings me home.
With Grace & Gratitude...
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Love Is All We Know
"We teach best what we most need to learn." - Richard Bach
You know what I found myself teaching today on more than on occasion prompted by the questions of another? Love. Unconditional Love. The Love that exists on a higher plan, a more conscious plane. The kind of Love that brings us together, that unifies us and brings peace into the world. The kind of Love that you hold in your heart, for the person that can't quite hold it for themselves yet. The kind of Love that shines light upon who that person really is, dispelling all illusions of them being anything other than a perfect child of the Divine. The unwavering Love that says, I've been where you are, I know that darkness. I watch you fight your fight, which is only yours to fight. But I'm not far. I'm your biggest silent cheerleader. I send Love & light to you. And it sits there, in your aura. It follows you around patiently. Until you're able to conjure up a shred of willingness, then all that Love, Light, joy, peace, & healing that has been sent to you from all over comes rushing in, in an instant. It's that instant the miracle happens. When all of a sudden, you feel better. Beyond explanation, beyond reason. You are all of a sudden, ready. Willing. Free. Free from yourself. That is what real Love does, it frees you from yourself. I taught others about patience and loving detachment today. Sometimes we are removed from their presence so we can do just that, hold only Love in our hearts. We Love them because really, that's all we know how to do. Because that's the only thing that is real, and what ultimately heals the heart of another. We want nothing more than for them to feel peace & joy once again. Anything else feels un-natural, painful. Our job is to stay in our hearts, and out of our heads. I teach this so well, because I need to learn it, and learning it I am. More & more everyday. <3
With Grace & Gratitude...
You know what I found myself teaching today on more than on occasion prompted by the questions of another? Love. Unconditional Love. The Love that exists on a higher plan, a more conscious plane. The kind of Love that brings us together, that unifies us and brings peace into the world. The kind of Love that you hold in your heart, for the person that can't quite hold it for themselves yet. The kind of Love that shines light upon who that person really is, dispelling all illusions of them being anything other than a perfect child of the Divine. The unwavering Love that says, I've been where you are, I know that darkness. I watch you fight your fight, which is only yours to fight. But I'm not far. I'm your biggest silent cheerleader. I send Love & light to you. And it sits there, in your aura. It follows you around patiently. Until you're able to conjure up a shred of willingness, then all that Love, Light, joy, peace, & healing that has been sent to you from all over comes rushing in, in an instant. It's that instant the miracle happens. When all of a sudden, you feel better. Beyond explanation, beyond reason. You are all of a sudden, ready. Willing. Free. Free from yourself. That is what real Love does, it frees you from yourself. I taught others about patience and loving detachment today. Sometimes we are removed from their presence so we can do just that, hold only Love in our hearts. We Love them because really, that's all we know how to do. Because that's the only thing that is real, and what ultimately heals the heart of another. We want nothing more than for them to feel peace & joy once again. Anything else feels un-natural, painful. Our job is to stay in our hearts, and out of our heads. I teach this so well, because I need to learn it, and learning it I am. More & more everyday. <3
With Grace & Gratitude...
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Honoring Relationships
Problem: I can't seem to hold onto a partner. Karmic fix: Respect other people's relationships.
This was part of a problem/solution table in The Tibetan Book of Mediation. Respect & honor other people's relationships. Wow. It stuck with me the moment I read it weeks ago. It speaks of opposites. Similar to, you can't fight darkness with darkness or you can't find war with more war. The underlying energy is still the same anger, fight, darkness, etc... thus creating MORE of what you don't want. It's about choosing to be and create more of that you want to see in your life as opposed to fighting what you don't. Such subtle differences, but such a marked difference in energy and outcome. Anyways, back to the meat & potatoes...
That statement really hit home for me. I asked myself DO I honor and respect other people's relationships? I don't think I do. I ran through a mental list, one relationship in particular which has erked me for a long while now came to my mind first (and is there right now, refusing to hide in the background of my thoughts at the moment) I decided to start there, to be observant of my thoughts, emotions, & words as they related to this particular relationship, and others, as the opportunities arose. I realized I often (but not always) found myself in judgement, picking them apart, shaking my head thinking THAT relationship was ridiculous and one of them was a total fucking idiot. You give it away to keep it. If this is what I was giving, no wonder I had been getting what I had been getting! My focus was on picking their relationship apart, finding everything fucked up about it, and thinking that's definitely not the kind of relationship I want. Wondering why the fuck they are still together anyways? So I started there, a conscious decision to notice and replace the thoughts rooted in judgement, anger, etc with thoughts rooted in Love, compassion, & understanding. To see the good in it, and to know, it was serving some kind of divine purpose.
To honor and respect other people's romantic relationships, because that's their contract. In doing that, I'm honoring my own. I'm creating relationships based upon honor, respect, & Love.
I realized today, that I had not in the slightest bit honored or respected the relationship she was in prior to meeting me. Easily forgetting every chance I could get where they were when I came into the picture. That was my first mistake... not taking a step back to honor and respect that relationship. To say you know, sounds like there is still some healing to be done. Maybe it's not a good time for us to start one of our own.
With Grace & Gratitude...
This was part of a problem/solution table in The Tibetan Book of Mediation. Respect & honor other people's relationships. Wow. It stuck with me the moment I read it weeks ago. It speaks of opposites. Similar to, you can't fight darkness with darkness or you can't find war with more war. The underlying energy is still the same anger, fight, darkness, etc... thus creating MORE of what you don't want. It's about choosing to be and create more of that you want to see in your life as opposed to fighting what you don't. Such subtle differences, but such a marked difference in energy and outcome. Anyways, back to the meat & potatoes...
That statement really hit home for me. I asked myself DO I honor and respect other people's relationships? I don't think I do. I ran through a mental list, one relationship in particular which has erked me for a long while now came to my mind first (and is there right now, refusing to hide in the background of my thoughts at the moment) I decided to start there, to be observant of my thoughts, emotions, & words as they related to this particular relationship, and others, as the opportunities arose. I realized I often (but not always) found myself in judgement, picking them apart, shaking my head thinking THAT relationship was ridiculous and one of them was a total fucking idiot. You give it away to keep it. If this is what I was giving, no wonder I had been getting what I had been getting! My focus was on picking their relationship apart, finding everything fucked up about it, and thinking that's definitely not the kind of relationship I want. Wondering why the fuck they are still together anyways? So I started there, a conscious decision to notice and replace the thoughts rooted in judgement, anger, etc with thoughts rooted in Love, compassion, & understanding. To see the good in it, and to know, it was serving some kind of divine purpose.
To honor and respect other people's romantic relationships, because that's their contract. In doing that, I'm honoring my own. I'm creating relationships based upon honor, respect, & Love.
I realized today, that I had not in the slightest bit honored or respected the relationship she was in prior to meeting me. Easily forgetting every chance I could get where they were when I came into the picture. That was my first mistake... not taking a step back to honor and respect that relationship. To say you know, sounds like there is still some healing to be done. Maybe it's not a good time for us to start one of our own.
With Grace & Gratitude...
Thursday, November 10, 2011
I Couldn't Say It...
I yearn to right, but feel as if I've lost my muse. Where to start? What to say? I've yoga'd this morning. I'm officially a third of the person I used to be. I'm in love with my soul mate, and she came as a woman. Never in my life have I experienced a relationship like this, on so many different levels. I've never been able to voice my anger, terrified a fight would be the end all be all. Not wanting someone to know what they did upset me, because I'm stronger than that, they insinuates they have some control over me and my emotions, because it's probably just irrational and all my own bullshit. Who am I to throw that onto someone else? Being honest with yourself, in THAT moment. I kept identifying with thought. That calm, solid voice somehow welled up inside of me and I was guided to if I was going to identify with ANYTHING in that moment, identify with feeling, with body sensations. Where was it, and what did it feel like? I did just that. Looking into her eyes somehow has the ability to open my heart chakra like a flower. I can feel it. I smile, almost instantly, and she laughs because I "love looking at her" & she thinks I'm "wierd" :) lol. The spending so much time together is new to me. I find I sometimes begin to feel overwhelmed, like I need room to breathe, exacerbated by fears of her thinking things which just aren't true regarding why I feel I need "space" . I'm just not used to it. I fear getting bored, or co-dependent. I fear us getting tired of each other. It's time to figure out where I'm at in regards to relationships. To firmly know who I am. But can we? I believe we are constantly changing, growing, evolving. The moment I think I KNOW who I am, I will no longer be that person, I will have changed. Maybe it's more about being comfortable in who I am in THAT moment. I'm sensitive. I'm learning that. Super sensitive. I get my feelings hurt easily and like affection and I love you reminders :-/. I hate even typing that out. I get in my own head and create mountains out of mole hills and need someone I can freely share that information with so I don't do that. She gives me that. I'm utterly amazed sometimes at how we interact and react to each other. I notice how I've become conscious of the use of we, us, our. I usually use me and you, my and yours etc. I dunno, it's hard to put into words really. I'm grateful for it, and I'm often surprised at how much love I feel in my heart for her.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Break
"
There are moments, when only love exists in my heart. Then there are moments of release, of letting go, of a sadness. Reminding myself to stay in THIS moment. Not the moments that where. I wrote an journal entry the other day about what would I say if someone asked me in five years what this relationship was like, what would I say? I'd say it was beautiful. She was beautiful. It was one of the most expansive & phenomenol expieriences of my life. "It was the meeting of two kindred souls ready to know themselves more and understand what true love really was. We shared love and passion, anger, healing & hurt." Because that's what it was, and still is. Her being a woman, and the obstacles that would come along with that didn't even matter to me. Because whatever was flowing between us was so fucking divine, all the wordly bullshit didn't matter. We could face anything together. There was a strength about us as we stood side by side. I wasn't afraid, I was never afraid. B just asked, "Are you done hoping for a relationship with her?" I don't know. Never in my life had I expierenced such a deep connection to another human being. Apparently, neither one of us knew what to do with it. A mutual stillness. A basking in an energy so intense, it felt as if you couldn't speak. My heart tells me the best thing for us is a break, a serious break. A no contact break for a little while. Who knows how long. I've become so distracted. The computer is getting loud, B is texting me. It's okay. It's always okay. I'm okay right now.
Love & Light
Dottie
There are moments, when only love exists in my heart. Then there are moments of release, of letting go, of a sadness. Reminding myself to stay in THIS moment. Not the moments that where. I wrote an journal entry the other day about what would I say if someone asked me in five years what this relationship was like, what would I say? I'd say it was beautiful. She was beautiful. It was one of the most expansive & phenomenol expieriences of my life. "It was the meeting of two kindred souls ready to know themselves more and understand what true love really was. We shared love and passion, anger, healing & hurt." Because that's what it was, and still is. Her being a woman, and the obstacles that would come along with that didn't even matter to me. Because whatever was flowing between us was so fucking divine, all the wordly bullshit didn't matter. We could face anything together. There was a strength about us as we stood side by side. I wasn't afraid, I was never afraid. B just asked, "Are you done hoping for a relationship with her?" I don't know. Never in my life had I expierenced such a deep connection to another human being. Apparently, neither one of us knew what to do with it. A mutual stillness. A basking in an energy so intense, it felt as if you couldn't speak. My heart tells me the best thing for us is a break, a serious break. A no contact break for a little while. Who knows how long. I've become so distracted. The computer is getting loud, B is texting me. It's okay. It's always okay. I'm okay right now.
Love & Light
Dottie
Monday, September 5, 2011
Email of Love and Only Love
An email to a friend in July of 2010
Hello lovely :)
My apologies for it taking so long to write you back. I've read what you've written a couple times and seem to be at a loss for words. I know what it's like to be on both ends of the spetrum of post breakup get togethers ya know. Like I've been the one that wanted the break up and I've been the one that didn't. When you trutly love someone I think we ALWAYS love that person. Who knows maybe this is one of those things were you've been together for so long and one person feels the need to go out on their own only to realize they weren't missing much and come back and it's happily ever after. I know for me to be able to be someone's friend and ONLY their friend I had to have a period of time where I didn't communicate with that person. Like I had to get my thoughts and feelings together. There's a book that keeps popping in my head called "Being in Love" by Osho. It's been so long since I've read it I'm not even sure exactly why it might help but it keeps popping up.
My opnion I think what you two share or did share was very divine and pure. That kind of Love just is. It doesn't go anywhere we can't take it, deny it, and it's not ours to give. It's just there. Few people get to expierence that, and even if this doesn't work out for the rest of ya'lls lives take the lesson's and the Love and go forward. What a gift to have been able to share it. How to move forward? Not sure... I've done many different things to "let go and move on" I've wwritten out the good of our relationship, the bad, what I learned, what gifts he brought, and gave thanks just before asking God to help me heal. Seems there was nothing *I* could do to "let go" ... I read something just the other day I would like to read to you. It's from Byron Katie'...
"I once spoke with a man who had been doing "the Work" for a while. His wife fell in love with another man, and instead of going into sadness and panic, he questioned his thinking. "She should stay with me --- is it true? I can't know that. How do I react when I believe the thought. Extremely upset. Who would I be without the thought? I would love her and just want the best for her." This man really wanted to know the truth. When he question his thinking, he found something extremely precious. "eventually," he said, "I was able to see it as something that should be happeneing because it was. And I was able to say to my wife, "tell me everything about it, as if I were your best girlfriend." She didn't have to censor any of it to protect me. It was amazing to hear about her experience. I felt so much joy for her. It was the most liberating experience I ever had." His wife moved in with the other man, and he was fine with that, because he didn't want her to stay if she didn't want to. A few months later, his wife hit a crisis point with her new lover and needed someone to talk to. She went ot her best friend, her husband. They calmly discussed her options. He really lovbed her and just wanted her to be clear about what she wanted. She decided to get a place of her own where she could work things out and eventually she went back to her husband. Through all this, whenever the man found himself mentally at war with what was happening, and experiencing pain or fear, he inquired into the thought he was believing at that moment, and returned to a calm and cheerful state of mind. He came to know for himself that the only possible problem he could have was only his own uninvestigated thinking. His wife gave him everything he needed for his own freedom."
I think sometimes we get so caught up in how we think we are "suppose" to react or feel in a certain situation we don't even realize we are ACTUALLY feeling something else entirely. I that is often where our confusion lies.... How do we think we SHOULD feel, and how do we REALLY feel? Take it one day at a time, one moment at a time. If you want to call him, call him, if you don't feel like talking to him, don't. If you want to hug him, hug him. If you want to cry, cry. If you want to love him just because you can, because when we love someoen we are really the one that benefits the most, there's nothing like feeling love for someone totally and fully. He can't take what you feel for him away. So keep feeling it, and pray for the highest good of all concerned. :)
Feel free to email me right back. I hope you have an amazing day.
Love & Light
Dottie
P.S. So much for being at a "loss for words" :P
Hello lovely :)
My apologies for it taking so long to write you back. I've read what you've written a couple times and seem to be at a loss for words. I know what it's like to be on both ends of the spetrum of post breakup get togethers ya know. Like I've been the one that wanted the break up and I've been the one that didn't. When you trutly love someone I think we ALWAYS love that person. Who knows maybe this is one of those things were you've been together for so long and one person feels the need to go out on their own only to realize they weren't missing much and come back and it's happily ever after. I know for me to be able to be someone's friend and ONLY their friend I had to have a period of time where I didn't communicate with that person. Like I had to get my thoughts and feelings together. There's a book that keeps popping in my head called "Being in Love" by Osho. It's been so long since I've read it I'm not even sure exactly why it might help but it keeps popping up.
My opnion I think what you two share or did share was very divine and pure. That kind of Love just is. It doesn't go anywhere we can't take it, deny it, and it's not ours to give. It's just there. Few people get to expierence that, and even if this doesn't work out for the rest of ya'lls lives take the lesson's and the Love and go forward. What a gift to have been able to share it. How to move forward? Not sure... I've done many different things to "let go and move on" I've wwritten out the good of our relationship, the bad, what I learned, what gifts he brought, and gave thanks just before asking God to help me heal. Seems there was nothing *I* could do to "let go" ... I read something just the other day I would like to read to you. It's from Byron Katie'...
"I once spoke with a man who had been doing "the Work" for a while. His wife fell in love with another man, and instead of going into sadness and panic, he questioned his thinking. "She should stay with me --- is it true? I can't know that. How do I react when I believe the thought. Extremely upset. Who would I be without the thought? I would love her and just want the best for her." This man really wanted to know the truth. When he question his thinking, he found something extremely precious. "eventually," he said, "I was able to see it as something that should be happeneing because it was. And I was able to say to my wife, "tell me everything about it, as if I were your best girlfriend." She didn't have to censor any of it to protect me. It was amazing to hear about her experience. I felt so much joy for her. It was the most liberating experience I ever had." His wife moved in with the other man, and he was fine with that, because he didn't want her to stay if she didn't want to. A few months later, his wife hit a crisis point with her new lover and needed someone to talk to. She went ot her best friend, her husband. They calmly discussed her options. He really lovbed her and just wanted her to be clear about what she wanted. She decided to get a place of her own where she could work things out and eventually she went back to her husband. Through all this, whenever the man found himself mentally at war with what was happening, and experiencing pain or fear, he inquired into the thought he was believing at that moment, and returned to a calm and cheerful state of mind. He came to know for himself that the only possible problem he could have was only his own uninvestigated thinking. His wife gave him everything he needed for his own freedom."
I think sometimes we get so caught up in how we think we are "suppose" to react or feel in a certain situation we don't even realize we are ACTUALLY feeling something else entirely. I that is often where our confusion lies.... How do we think we SHOULD feel, and how do we REALLY feel? Take it one day at a time, one moment at a time. If you want to call him, call him, if you don't feel like talking to him, don't. If you want to hug him, hug him. If you want to cry, cry. If you want to love him just because you can, because when we love someoen we are really the one that benefits the most, there's nothing like feeling love for someone totally and fully. He can't take what you feel for him away. So keep feeling it, and pray for the highest good of all concerned. :)
Feel free to email me right back. I hope you have an amazing day.
Love & Light
Dottie
P.S. So much for being at a "loss for words" :P
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Progress
"If you think you are doing something, you probably are."
I heard this a handful of times as I sat at a chinese buffet. When I thought, I think I'm eating my feelings....
I didn't eat too terribly. I physically cannot stomach the amount of food I was once able too. Progress. So, naturally my next question, as I began to slow down, was what feelings am I eating? I knew exactly what they were... my aggravations with myself for not remaing true to my wants and needs. I needed to study, I didn't want him to come over today. Hell, I didn't want him sleeping here last night. I laid awake in my own bed wanting him OUT of it so I could get comfortable and back on my side. I had given up my wants and needs to make him more comfortable, and I was pissed at myself. Why couldn't I just tell him to go home? Like he told me 3 days ago when I feel asleep in his bed? Boundaries. The fear, how long would I be able to hold out without having sex with him? I was riding a very fine line, I still am I guess... and I know it. He called today and said he was coming over, I told him I had planned on studying because I had a final; he said he was coming over anyway, I said I was going to take a nap, he said to leave the back door open... I don't think the words no ever came out of my mouth, but there was a moment of silence where I couldn't say anything, and a million thoughts ran through my head. So I laid in my bed, now slightly uncomfortable, anticipating his arrival only to wake up over an hour and him not here. I called him and he said he was only joking about coming over. I was pissed, but of course he would have never known. Changing my behaviors in attempts to change someone elses behaviors is something I've been guilty of for some time. My tendency to do this is subsiding but periodically I catch my self doing it. Often, I don't get the reaction or results I was expecting. Which causes me to be angry at myself. Soemtimes, I think that is the most dangerous kind of anger there is. A seperation of self. Two enemies locked in the same room. There is going to be tension, and I'm going to search for an escape. Two forces driving me in opposite directions, each trying to hide from the other. It all meshes together. The next thing I know, I'm in addict mode doing what addicts do best... self-destructing. But by God's grace, not today :)
Back to peace. I breathe. Everything is just as it should be, now and always... and it will be whatever it is meant to be. At one point in my life, I would ask for guidance, get it, trust it and carry it out... only to not have my desires come to fruition. I began to doubt myself. Slowly, I began to realize, that my desires are not always whats best for me. There is a plan to things, a rhyme and reason to things working out a certain way, and when I ask for guidance, I'm going to get the guidance which will help carry THAT out, the will of the universe I suppose. I'm so grateful for the patience I have today, for my ability to find that space within me that just knows... everything truly is working out for the best, and it's all okay. It really is. Sometimes it seems I can only sit within that space for a moment, but it's long enough to remind me its there. I can feel it now. A peace. A knowing. An open flow of energy moving within it so it doesn't shake me. There is comfort in this space, a freedom in knowing I don't have to figure everything out, nor do I have to exhaust myself carrying out various actions that may or may not work or be right. It all seems to fall together. As if my intention of Love & healing is enough... I end up exactly where I'm suppose to be doing exactly what I'm suppose to be doing without even realizing it, until I'm there. Everything is beautiful right now. What a miracle it is to be in this space a little longer and a little longer each time. What a miracle it is to be able to come back here instead of go back there.
Love & Light
Dottie
I heard this a handful of times as I sat at a chinese buffet. When I thought, I think I'm eating my feelings....
I didn't eat too terribly. I physically cannot stomach the amount of food I was once able too. Progress. So, naturally my next question, as I began to slow down, was what feelings am I eating? I knew exactly what they were... my aggravations with myself for not remaing true to my wants and needs. I needed to study, I didn't want him to come over today. Hell, I didn't want him sleeping here last night. I laid awake in my own bed wanting him OUT of it so I could get comfortable and back on my side. I had given up my wants and needs to make him more comfortable, and I was pissed at myself. Why couldn't I just tell him to go home? Like he told me 3 days ago when I feel asleep in his bed? Boundaries. The fear, how long would I be able to hold out without having sex with him? I was riding a very fine line, I still am I guess... and I know it. He called today and said he was coming over, I told him I had planned on studying because I had a final; he said he was coming over anyway, I said I was going to take a nap, he said to leave the back door open... I don't think the words no ever came out of my mouth, but there was a moment of silence where I couldn't say anything, and a million thoughts ran through my head. So I laid in my bed, now slightly uncomfortable, anticipating his arrival only to wake up over an hour and him not here. I called him and he said he was only joking about coming over. I was pissed, but of course he would have never known. Changing my behaviors in attempts to change someone elses behaviors is something I've been guilty of for some time. My tendency to do this is subsiding but periodically I catch my self doing it. Often, I don't get the reaction or results I was expecting. Which causes me to be angry at myself. Soemtimes, I think that is the most dangerous kind of anger there is. A seperation of self. Two enemies locked in the same room. There is going to be tension, and I'm going to search for an escape. Two forces driving me in opposite directions, each trying to hide from the other. It all meshes together. The next thing I know, I'm in addict mode doing what addicts do best... self-destructing. But by God's grace, not today :)
Back to peace. I breathe. Everything is just as it should be, now and always... and it will be whatever it is meant to be. At one point in my life, I would ask for guidance, get it, trust it and carry it out... only to not have my desires come to fruition. I began to doubt myself. Slowly, I began to realize, that my desires are not always whats best for me. There is a plan to things, a rhyme and reason to things working out a certain way, and when I ask for guidance, I'm going to get the guidance which will help carry THAT out, the will of the universe I suppose. I'm so grateful for the patience I have today, for my ability to find that space within me that just knows... everything truly is working out for the best, and it's all okay. It really is. Sometimes it seems I can only sit within that space for a moment, but it's long enough to remind me its there. I can feel it now. A peace. A knowing. An open flow of energy moving within it so it doesn't shake me. There is comfort in this space, a freedom in knowing I don't have to figure everything out, nor do I have to exhaust myself carrying out various actions that may or may not work or be right. It all seems to fall together. As if my intention of Love & healing is enough... I end up exactly where I'm suppose to be doing exactly what I'm suppose to be doing without even realizing it, until I'm there. Everything is beautiful right now. What a miracle it is to be in this space a little longer and a little longer each time. What a miracle it is to be able to come back here instead of go back there.
Love & Light
Dottie
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Relationships: Learning Through Self-Induced Humility
"You don't have time for dates..." - What my Uncle said to me when he asked where I had been, and I told him.
Now that I'm here, I don't want to write. As if the truth were to delicate or would invoke too much humility. Sometimes I just want to say on my pof profile Hi, I'm Dottie. I've never seen a healthy relationship in my life, let alone be IN one. I've come a long way, but I'm still fairly immature. I get scared. I think second dates should be mandatory because the first one's are so awkward. What I want changes daily, sometimes hourly. Depending on my mood. It goes from wanting a committed relationship to friends with benefits. I remind myself of how the latter has never worked for me, I always get attached, maybe I should try the former. I want to put up a DISCLAIMER that reads: I get excited easily. I either really like you or really don't. I'll probably text or call you too much, and make myself too available. I'll be too honest too quick, and you won't be able to handle it. I'll probably come off as tough at first, too tough, and recoil the first time you try and touch me, even if it' just to hold my hand. But I try real hard to NOT do these things, which you'll probably pick up as me being quiet or boring, when really I'm quite the opposite. I feel like who I am is exactly the opposite of how I should act when dating someone, then I feel like a hippocrite. I'm indecisive and compulsive. I don't know what I want in a guy, but I could tell you what don't.
All signs point to the probability that a relationshipsis not in the cards for me right now, but I'm stubborn. (Guess I should probably go back and put that in the disclaimer) I'm looking for someone to prove Billie and myself wrong. I'm crying right now, because I'm frustrated. Because I know the only option is surrender, but I can' do it, not today. Maybe tomorrow, all I can do today is pray for the willingness. The willingess to release this one last aspect of my life to a Divine Intelligence that rotates the moons and stars and turns a microscopic sperm & egg into a human being. Because history has proven that when I let something go, things fall together better than I could have ever imagined. Right now I feel as if I'm making a sand castle and the tide is coming in. I watch my progress dissappear almost to nothing, but frantically try to rebuild and build more. When the pain gets great enough, I'll let go. Right now, I'm stuck in I want, I want... and I'm causing myself some unneccesary grief.
The lesson here is this, I can't always get what I want, because sometimes what I want isn't what's best for me. It's about trust & patience.
Love & Light
Dottie
Now that I'm here, I don't want to write. As if the truth were to delicate or would invoke too much humility. Sometimes I just want to say on my pof profile Hi, I'm Dottie. I've never seen a healthy relationship in my life, let alone be IN one. I've come a long way, but I'm still fairly immature. I get scared. I think second dates should be mandatory because the first one's are so awkward. What I want changes daily, sometimes hourly. Depending on my mood. It goes from wanting a committed relationship to friends with benefits. I remind myself of how the latter has never worked for me, I always get attached, maybe I should try the former. I want to put up a DISCLAIMER that reads: I get excited easily. I either really like you or really don't. I'll probably text or call you too much, and make myself too available. I'll be too honest too quick, and you won't be able to handle it. I'll probably come off as tough at first, too tough, and recoil the first time you try and touch me, even if it' just to hold my hand. But I try real hard to NOT do these things, which you'll probably pick up as me being quiet or boring, when really I'm quite the opposite. I feel like who I am is exactly the opposite of how I should act when dating someone, then I feel like a hippocrite. I'm indecisive and compulsive. I don't know what I want in a guy, but I could tell you what don't.
All signs point to the probability that a relationshipsis not in the cards for me right now, but I'm stubborn. (Guess I should probably go back and put that in the disclaimer) I'm looking for someone to prove Billie and myself wrong. I'm crying right now, because I'm frustrated. Because I know the only option is surrender, but I can' do it, not today. Maybe tomorrow, all I can do today is pray for the willingness. The willingess to release this one last aspect of my life to a Divine Intelligence that rotates the moons and stars and turns a microscopic sperm & egg into a human being. Because history has proven that when I let something go, things fall together better than I could have ever imagined. Right now I feel as if I'm making a sand castle and the tide is coming in. I watch my progress dissappear almost to nothing, but frantically try to rebuild and build more. When the pain gets great enough, I'll let go. Right now, I'm stuck in I want, I want... and I'm causing myself some unneccesary grief.
The lesson here is this, I can't always get what I want, because sometimes what I want isn't what's best for me. It's about trust & patience.
Love & Light
Dottie
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
And just like that...it's gone.
The calm after the storm is here. Somehow, I've mamaged to "let go" whatever that means, lol that statement makes me laugh. I'm reminding myself I am patient. Few things today were me acting out of impatience. But it's about progress not perfection right? The energy is different. I like it. Balance. Whether it's him or not, love is coming. That I'm sure of. I'm just unaware of when, but whenever it gets here is just when it's suppose to ;).... now lets just remember that. I am so grateful for what I have learned about myself. The fight is over. All that is around me right now is peace, utter peace.
Love & Light
Dottie
Love & Light
Dottie
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Love Is My Weakness
"FOR GOD SAKES CATHY, WHATEVER YOU DO, DON"T DO THE SAME FUCKING THING YOU'VE BEEN DOING!!!" ... "If her actions bother me THAT much, what is this relfecting back at me?"
Love and the potential for it is my weakness. Always has been. I wanted it so badly, I would throw everything else in my life out of balance. It's then I'm sent into a tail spin of anger, lonliness, and tears. I never realized how badly I do want a good man in my life. One who is just as much in love with me as I am with him. I almost began giving a list of things, but they felt generic and not neccissarly what I want but what I think I would want. I just want him to love me as much if not more than I love him. I've spent three days analyzing, exploring, praying, searching, and crying. There was tons of crying, hysterical crying. I needed that. Here's what I learned...
1) I am insecure in regards to relationships. In most other areas of my life it doesn't exist and when it does it exists in trace amounts and doesn't seem to adversly effect my life, but not relationships. It runs them. I become overwhelmed by my own insecurities which make me act out irrationally and emotionally, then I get pissed because I'm really not a crazy lady, although it seems that way. That blew my mind. I had no idea. I thought I could take em or leave it, I was wrong. I wanted it. It was either all or nothing. I found myself reaching back to men I used to date or sleep with. Thinking maybe THEY had the answer, maybe THEY could tell me where I go wrong. I swear, they must all think I've got more issues than Time magazine. But I reached to them because I was seeking relief from my insecurities. I didn't want ot scare away the new guy with my irrational fears and overly emotional antics, so let's just contact the last guy who already knows I'm a wreck, because I couldn't care less what HE thinks of me at this point, he's already seen the worst of me, so I can let it all go. I don't care if he hangs around or not anymore. But within my being able to let go completely and be open and honest with the last him. I would find that I feet closer to them and I start missing them, and start asking myself Do I still love him? Do I want to be with him? What am I doing with this new guy? The phone calls, texts, and contact becomes more frequent, and then fear sets in... What the fuck am I doing? REALLY, what the fuck am I doing? Well, I was desperately trying to ease my insecurites I was, up until now, too afraid to face.
3) I have been incredibly selfish. It has been always about me. I come and go as I please, often forgetting that men have feelings too. I come without regard to what THEIR relationship status is at this point, and if my actions might adverserly effect that. If I can't have what I want, I don't want anything, because I refuse to take whatever they were willing to give me, again. I've been there, and by God's grace I won't go there again. It has always been about me and my issues, my fears. I need this or I need that. Finally, the tables where turned and he needed this or that... and I was finding that real hard to give to him. Now, I think I'm able to do so. I look back and admire A's patience with me, using that as an example. Thank you A, for loving me enough to allow the much needed healing to take place. May I find it within me to always Love enough to allow the needed healing to take place, without the malicious desires of the ego interefering.
4) I also discovered...once I decided that I wass willing to give the guy a chance, I'm wide open... and thus is were my boundary issues lied and if THEY have boundaries... I'm just shocked and have no idea what to do with them. I get the jist of what they are for and do my best to respect them, but I would struggle.... and they wouldn't know it. Once I had made the decision that I would date them, it was a free for all until if and when I decided I was done... or you decided. There are steps, apparently... steps in which I had always totally disregarded. I was just like here I am.... all of me! Do you want me?! If you do, just incase here I am! I'll await your every phone call, text message, and eagerly await the next time I'll see you. I'll switch my entire schedul around to make time for you. Really?! *shakes head :) Well, NO ONE is ready to handle all of someone in the first few weeks of knowing them especially this girl ;)... and that's with ANY relationship, even friendships! lol I have to laugh at myself. The jist... I was guilty of making myself too available.
5) My deep desire for a fulfilling relationship throws my entire life out of balance the moment a potential relationship rears it's head. I strive to maintain balance on a daily basis. Without balance, I will loose my fucking mind. Balance is ESSENTIAL to my well-being. It's almost like a war within myself, part of me wants love and the other balance. And up until now, I didn't know how to have both. When I feel myself going out of balance I begin to feverishly try and balance thus igniting my control issues, causing me to be manipulative. Manipulative in the sense of doing/saying things to bring about my desired result. I do things I think they would like or make them want to be with me more... and I JUST learned about a month ago... THAT breeds resentment within me. When I do things because I feel like I "have to" or "should" and they don't react how I wanted them to, I become extremely angry and frustrated, but THEY can't know that because it's absolutely irrational. I'm mad at them because they didn't do what I wanted them to when they had no idea I wanted them to in the first place?! WOW! C'mon!!! lol. This is one vicious cycle. Because once I realize I've done this I become rittled with guilt and anger because I've spent the last 3 years of my life striving to overcome these tendencies, and here they are again!? UGH! The old habits of self destruction begin knocking on my door at this point because I'm so scattered and so vunerable. Metaphorically speaking, I've taken all that I am and laid it out on the table for evaluation. What serves my highest purpose? I take what works for me and I leave the rest. If it doesn't serve my highest good, it's got to go. It is in that moment the only thing that stands between me and some form of self destructing behavior is God himself, I have no defenses. I'm grateful to say by God's grace, I slep while He cleaned the table.
6) Lastly, I learned to identify impatience, and realized in most other areas of my life, like 98% I'm able to sit back, relax, and know that everything will work out the best possible way, that God and the Angels have everything taken care of. Except when it comes to me being in a relationship. I found it difficult to wait and let them work their magic, I always try to work my own, which is never magic at all really... just fear based impatience. I pull cards, check my intuitive friends intuition, check numerology, check whatever the hell else I can get my hands on so I can have some idea what to expect, because NOT KNOWING apparently terrifies me. Then I always end up where I started... powerless, clueless, and single lol
Thank God the only two things needed to change are awareness and willingness. I've had the willingness for sometime, just not the awareness... and here it is.
God, I offer myself to thee. To build with me and do with me as thy wilt. Please remove me from the bondage of self, so that I may better do they will. Please take away my difficulties, may victory over them bear witness to those I may help of they love, they power, and they way of life. May I do thy will always. Amen.
Dear Angels, let me not sign off without acknowledging your constant stream of Love, support, and guidance. I have felt you very close over the last few days. I am grateful for that closeness and all you do for me and those I love. Please help keep my life balanced and full of Love, may I always be aware of my thoughts, actions, and words and how they are affecting my life and others.
Love & Light
Dottie
Love and the potential for it is my weakness. Always has been. I wanted it so badly, I would throw everything else in my life out of balance. It's then I'm sent into a tail spin of anger, lonliness, and tears. I never realized how badly I do want a good man in my life. One who is just as much in love with me as I am with him. I almost began giving a list of things, but they felt generic and not neccissarly what I want but what I think I would want. I just want him to love me as much if not more than I love him. I've spent three days analyzing, exploring, praying, searching, and crying. There was tons of crying, hysterical crying. I needed that. Here's what I learned...
1) I am insecure in regards to relationships. In most other areas of my life it doesn't exist and when it does it exists in trace amounts and doesn't seem to adversly effect my life, but not relationships. It runs them. I become overwhelmed by my own insecurities which make me act out irrationally and emotionally, then I get pissed because I'm really not a crazy lady, although it seems that way. That blew my mind. I had no idea. I thought I could take em or leave it, I was wrong. I wanted it. It was either all or nothing. I found myself reaching back to men I used to date or sleep with. Thinking maybe THEY had the answer, maybe THEY could tell me where I go wrong. I swear, they must all think I've got more issues than Time magazine. But I reached to them because I was seeking relief from my insecurities. I didn't want ot scare away the new guy with my irrational fears and overly emotional antics, so let's just contact the last guy who already knows I'm a wreck, because I couldn't care less what HE thinks of me at this point, he's already seen the worst of me, so I can let it all go. I don't care if he hangs around or not anymore. But within my being able to let go completely and be open and honest with the last him. I would find that I feet closer to them and I start missing them, and start asking myself Do I still love him? Do I want to be with him? What am I doing with this new guy? The phone calls, texts, and contact becomes more frequent, and then fear sets in... What the fuck am I doing? REALLY, what the fuck am I doing? Well, I was desperately trying to ease my insecurites I was, up until now, too afraid to face.
3) I have been incredibly selfish. It has been always about me. I come and go as I please, often forgetting that men have feelings too. I come without regard to what THEIR relationship status is at this point, and if my actions might adverserly effect that. If I can't have what I want, I don't want anything, because I refuse to take whatever they were willing to give me, again. I've been there, and by God's grace I won't go there again. It has always been about me and my issues, my fears. I need this or I need that. Finally, the tables where turned and he needed this or that... and I was finding that real hard to give to him. Now, I think I'm able to do so. I look back and admire A's patience with me, using that as an example. Thank you A, for loving me enough to allow the much needed healing to take place. May I find it within me to always Love enough to allow the needed healing to take place, without the malicious desires of the ego interefering.
4) I also discovered...once I decided that I wass willing to give the guy a chance, I'm wide open... and thus is were my boundary issues lied and if THEY have boundaries... I'm just shocked and have no idea what to do with them. I get the jist of what they are for and do my best to respect them, but I would struggle.... and they wouldn't know it. Once I had made the decision that I would date them, it was a free for all until if and when I decided I was done... or you decided. There are steps, apparently... steps in which I had always totally disregarded. I was just like here I am.... all of me! Do you want me?! If you do, just incase here I am! I'll await your every phone call, text message, and eagerly await the next time I'll see you. I'll switch my entire schedul around to make time for you. Really?! *shakes head :) Well, NO ONE is ready to handle all of someone in the first few weeks of knowing them especially this girl ;)... and that's with ANY relationship, even friendships! lol I have to laugh at myself. The jist... I was guilty of making myself too available.
5) My deep desire for a fulfilling relationship throws my entire life out of balance the moment a potential relationship rears it's head. I strive to maintain balance on a daily basis. Without balance, I will loose my fucking mind. Balance is ESSENTIAL to my well-being. It's almost like a war within myself, part of me wants love and the other balance. And up until now, I didn't know how to have both. When I feel myself going out of balance I begin to feverishly try and balance thus igniting my control issues, causing me to be manipulative. Manipulative in the sense of doing/saying things to bring about my desired result. I do things I think they would like or make them want to be with me more... and I JUST learned about a month ago... THAT breeds resentment within me. When I do things because I feel like I "have to" or "should" and they don't react how I wanted them to, I become extremely angry and frustrated, but THEY can't know that because it's absolutely irrational. I'm mad at them because they didn't do what I wanted them to when they had no idea I wanted them to in the first place?! WOW! C'mon!!! lol. This is one vicious cycle. Because once I realize I've done this I become rittled with guilt and anger because I've spent the last 3 years of my life striving to overcome these tendencies, and here they are again!? UGH! The old habits of self destruction begin knocking on my door at this point because I'm so scattered and so vunerable. Metaphorically speaking, I've taken all that I am and laid it out on the table for evaluation. What serves my highest purpose? I take what works for me and I leave the rest. If it doesn't serve my highest good, it's got to go. It is in that moment the only thing that stands between me and some form of self destructing behavior is God himself, I have no defenses. I'm grateful to say by God's grace, I slep while He cleaned the table.
6) Lastly, I learned to identify impatience, and realized in most other areas of my life, like 98% I'm able to sit back, relax, and know that everything will work out the best possible way, that God and the Angels have everything taken care of. Except when it comes to me being in a relationship. I found it difficult to wait and let them work their magic, I always try to work my own, which is never magic at all really... just fear based impatience. I pull cards, check my intuitive friends intuition, check numerology, check whatever the hell else I can get my hands on so I can have some idea what to expect, because NOT KNOWING apparently terrifies me. Then I always end up where I started... powerless, clueless, and single lol
Thank God the only two things needed to change are awareness and willingness. I've had the willingness for sometime, just not the awareness... and here it is.
God, I offer myself to thee. To build with me and do with me as thy wilt. Please remove me from the bondage of self, so that I may better do they will. Please take away my difficulties, may victory over them bear witness to those I may help of they love, they power, and they way of life. May I do thy will always. Amen.
Dear Angels, let me not sign off without acknowledging your constant stream of Love, support, and guidance. I have felt you very close over the last few days. I am grateful for that closeness and all you do for me and those I love. Please help keep my life balanced and full of Love, may I always be aware of my thoughts, actions, and words and how they are affecting my life and others.
Love & Light
Dottie
Friday, January 21, 2011
Being Single
I was skimming through pictures of an old friend that had just added me on facebook... combined with a Brian McKnights "I'll be" playing in the background... stirred up the desire to write, so here I am.
It hit me like a ton of bricks. I am single because I have chosen to be so. I look at my facebook covered with pictures of myself, my cat, statuses about school, weight loss, and life. Love, there is Love, but more so in the sense of that being all that is. Not focused on romantic love. Slowely I've transformed, everything I was, into everything I am now, yet they are so different. Like a line in the sand has been drawn, the last "checkpoint" as I lovingly call them has been crossed, for a while anyway. There are more, I'm sure of it. I want to be single. I enjoy it. I enjoy spending my time, energy, and money on myself. On my growth, my spirituality, my friends, my family. And that's okay. Every bit of it is absolutely okay. I've given much thought to my last relationship, all though he doesn't call it that... a relationship is defined as "an emotional or other connection between people." That being said, I look back on that relationship, which I have given a year and decided a few months ago I was done. It wasn't what I wanted, I took the lessons and the Love and walked away. He seems to be coming around a little more, but I have no desire to be his friend. I also have no desire to be WITH him in any shape form or fashion. There is still Love, Love never goes anywhere, it cannot be made, destroyed, taken away, given... it's just there, always, flowing freely in, out and around.
Right now. I feel stronger than I've felt in years. Solid. Emotionally Stable. As if from this point on I have the choice as to how hard I shall struggle with ANYTHING in life. For the first time, I trully believe the worst is now behind me. Like I"m standing in the aftermath of category 5 hurricane, in rubble, with the sun shining on my face, unscoothed, with my arms spread wide, a smile on my face and gratitiude and Love pourign from my soul like water from a fire hydrant. Nothing will compare to this. I survived.
It hit me like a ton of bricks. I am single because I have chosen to be so. I look at my facebook covered with pictures of myself, my cat, statuses about school, weight loss, and life. Love, there is Love, but more so in the sense of that being all that is. Not focused on romantic love. Slowely I've transformed, everything I was, into everything I am now, yet they are so different. Like a line in the sand has been drawn, the last "checkpoint" as I lovingly call them has been crossed, for a while anyway. There are more, I'm sure of it. I want to be single. I enjoy it. I enjoy spending my time, energy, and money on myself. On my growth, my spirituality, my friends, my family. And that's okay. Every bit of it is absolutely okay. I've given much thought to my last relationship, all though he doesn't call it that... a relationship is defined as "an emotional or other connection between people." That being said, I look back on that relationship, which I have given a year and decided a few months ago I was done. It wasn't what I wanted, I took the lessons and the Love and walked away. He seems to be coming around a little more, but I have no desire to be his friend. I also have no desire to be WITH him in any shape form or fashion. There is still Love, Love never goes anywhere, it cannot be made, destroyed, taken away, given... it's just there, always, flowing freely in, out and around.
Right now. I feel stronger than I've felt in years. Solid. Emotionally Stable. As if from this point on I have the choice as to how hard I shall struggle with ANYTHING in life. For the first time, I trully believe the worst is now behind me. Like I"m standing in the aftermath of category 5 hurricane, in rubble, with the sun shining on my face, unscoothed, with my arms spread wide, a smile on my face and gratitiude and Love pourign from my soul like water from a fire hydrant. Nothing will compare to this. I survived.
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