Bowing Out

I know there will come a time when I will want her back. A moment, or string of moments which will make me second guess her leaving, my motives, and my own truth. This relationship was wrong for me in so many ways, for both of us, I just wish I would've had the courage to tell her that before I cheated. This has kind of been my mantra the last couple days. Reviewing the course of a relationship is tricky. Perception is reality, and we look for we will find. Right now I'm looking at all the "bad" things. All the things that tore at my self-esteem, encouraged a loss of self, all the things that support the idea that "Yes, it was time for this relationship to end. We are both better off for it." But what about later? When I cross a threshold of a place in my life I had planned go to go with her? What about those nights when loneliness crawls into my bed? What will I look for then, in the analysis of my once relationship? I'll tell you what I will look for.... I will look for those times that she forgave me for being a little crazy, those times she kissed my face and told me how much she loved me. The surprises she gave, the yogurt she kept stocked in the fridge, and the beef jerky she'd bring me on a bad day. I will remember the football games, and the random dancing emoji's. I will see her nephews faces and feel her mothers arms around my neck telling me how much she loves me. I will smell fall and fresh cut grass. Then, I will remember when she took an hour out of her day to bring me scrubs and in return received a text message not meant for her. My heart will ache for forgiveness and for her sadness.. Tears will fall for being the executioner of the life of everything she always wanted, and I will want her back. I will want another chance to give her the life I promised her when she put that ring on my finger.

When those moments come, because they will, I will remind myself of these things.... I never felt I could be myself in this relationship. I struggled to find balance between my relationship and my passions. She didn't like my family, and I am ashamed I allowed her so much freedom in dictating how often and how long they could visit my home. There was always something missing. Some kind of block, added pressure, some kind of something that created tension. Like puzzle pieces that fit, but barely. You had to really push them down and no matter what, there was still that tiny section that just wouldn't touch. I will remind myself that she tried; we both tried. That in the end, it was the best it had ever been, We loved each other deeply, but still that voice inside of me said it was time to go. I will ask myself, even with her flaws, if she helps me become the best version of myself. I will ask myself, if I stand in the way of her path. Those are deal breaker questions.

So here I sit, in the aftermath of a three and a half year break-up allowing the healing process to happen. I sit in the house we bought together, in the town she grew up in, two hours from the place I've called home for the last decade. But that's okay, I love this house and I like to think there is a reason I am still here. This is real life. It's my life, and for the first time, I finally feel I can live it without consulting anyone first.

It's a freedom I have wanted for a long time and was way to afraid to admit it. But I'm here now, and if this relationship wasn't right for me; I can only imagine it wasn't right for her either. Otherwise, we still be in it together. It's about allowing what doesn't work anymore fall away. We fought the good fight. We will both be better for it.

"To know know when to bend and when to leap- when to bow out, and when to hurl our passions like buckets of paint across a stage."


With Grace & Gratitude...

Scars

"Even scars fade..."

Despite popular belief. Scars are not forever. They do fade. They soften. They slowly begin to blend back in with the rest of who we are. We talk as if they are forever, as if nothing new can grow there, or they will remain forever so obvious that if anyone gets close enough, our biggest hurts will be put on display. So what do we do? We hide them. We spend energy attempting to somehow camouflage them, OR we flaunt them to show the world how tough we are, where we've been, and where we'd like the world to believe we aren't afraid to go. We speak of the "scars on our hearts" that will apparently debunk every other heart related experience we could ever possibly have. We attach meaning, weight, significance and you can literally watch someone's face change as the subject arises. I'm here to assure you... those scars don't last forever. Sure the deeper one's may take a few years to lighten and soften but they will, both the physical and emotional ones...

Almost Angry

I spent the first 3 years of my weight loss burning more calories a week than most humans consume.  (okay, maybe that's slightly exaggerated, but I really liked that line! it was around 3-5 thousand calories...) and weight loss was easy. I ate whatever I wanted as long as it was "worth it." I would equate in my had what it would feel like to burn that many calories and eat it if I was willing to work it off. Well, things have changed. And yes, of course I did learn to stop when I was full, learn how to make better choices, and eat more consciously, but the universe had been trying to tell me since February that it was seriously time to look at my diet, and not expect my workout routines to always be enough to burn what I still allowed myself to over eat. So when I moved in May and left my gym, my yoga studio, my trainer, and fell in love... I watched myself steadily gain about 4-8lbs a month. At this very moment,  I'm sitting at 238lbs, I was 214 the last time I stepped on the scale at Anytime Fitness in Roseville, MI. There's always a lesson, our weight has a story, and what I learned from mine is that it's really time I take charge and train myself, I know what I'm doing, I wasn't admitting I didn't like my job, and my old workout/eating plans no longer worked for me. Attempting to recreate them here was exhausting and didn't feel right. I was a different person and needed to focus on my diet more. I needed to put more time and energy into eating a more fresh fruit/veggie organic diet that I had come to crave. The frozen Kashi meals only work for so long. I was sharing my daily life with another person, and had to take them into account. It was time to create a workout routine on my own and go execute it, and I'm doing all that, slowly and steadily just like I did when I first started and it took all I had to get up before noon and walk to the end of the road and back.

Love Is All We Know

"We teach best what we most need to learn." - Richard Bach

You know what I found myself teaching today on more than on occasion prompted by the questions of another? Love. Unconditional Love. The Love that exists on a higher plan, a more conscious plane. The kind of Love that brings us together, that unifies us and brings peace into the world. The kind of Love that you hold in your heart, for the person that can't quite hold it for themselves yet. The kind of Love that shines light upon who that person really is, dispelling all illusions of them being anything other than a perfect child of the Divine. The unwavering Love that says, I've been where you are, I know that darkness. I watch you fight your fight, which is only yours to fight. But I'm not far. I'm your biggest silent cheerleader. I send Love & light to you. And it sits there, in your aura. It follows you around patiently. Until you're able to conjure up a shred of willingness, then all that Love, Light, joy, peace, & healing that has been sent to you from all over comes rushing in, in an instant. It's that instant the miracle happens. When all of a sudden, you feel better. Beyond explanation, beyond reason. You are all of a sudden, ready. Willing. Free. Free from yourself. That is what real Love does, it frees you from yourself. I taught others about patience and loving detachment today. Sometimes we are removed from their presence so we can do just that, hold only Love in our hearts.  We Love them because really, that's all we know how to do. Because that's the only thing that is real, and what ultimately heals the heart of another. We want nothing more than for them to feel peace & joy once again. Anything else feels un-natural, painful. Our job is to stay in our hearts, and out of our heads. I teach this so well, because I need to learn it, and learning it I am. More & more everyday.  <3

With Grace & Gratitude...

Forgiveness

"I read your post and while I was reading it, a question popped into my head. I'd like to know what you think. Have I forgiven someone if I sometimes feel negative feelings about that person?"

This was an email I received from a friend after they read one of my previous blogs. I was kind of excited, having felt like one of those people in the magazines that people write in with questions. haha I was like yaaay. Almost as excited I was when I realized I had two new followers and NO idea who they were! Within just a few moments that excitement turned into arrogance, and my ego was ready to go to town on this question. SO, I prayed. I meditated. And two hours later... I answered his question, just before asking God to be guide my words, and push my ego aside. I'm interested to hear how other people feel about this very same question. So please, leave comments if you wish! "Have we forgiven someone if we sometimes feel negative feelings about that person?"

I keep wanting to say no, but I have a few elaborations I'd like to share.

Forgiving someone totally and fully for everything I'd say you would have ZERO negative feelings for them. You would feel only love for them as a person. Doesn't mean you're gonna be there best friend or even have to talk to them, but every time you think of them for any reason, Love is all you feel in your heart. You truly wish them all the good in the world, that you would have for yourself and more. You want only the best for them.

Let's say it's someone your friends with now. You can forgive someone for doing whatever a year ago, but then they can do something last week and now your angry again. Does that mean you didn't forgive them last year? Not necessarily, you may or may not have. But lets say you did. So you legitimately forgave them last year, now this year... you feel a resentment boiling. You can call it addict thinking, you can call it ego bullshit, you can call it negativity, it doesn't really matter.... whatever IT is that fuels the feeling of unforgiveness/anger/resentment/negative thoughts will grow larger wherever ANY unloving thoughts reside; a forest fire literally starts from a spark.

Also, I'd ask myself is it really even them? Right now I'm working through some issues I have with a girl I go to school with. She seems to really like me, but I have my own issues with her. Those negative thoughts are  grown more from a lack of acceptance of who she is, but my question then becomes... What is she reflecting back at me that I refuse to accept about/within myself?

I've thought about my feelings towards her a lot.. and here's what I've come up with (but this is as far as I've gotten) I'm afraid she's going to push my buttons, and the calm, serene Dottie is going to go right out the window and I'm going to rip her apart with my words in front of an audience. The reason this bothers me (one more layer of the onion) is that I have a deep rooted fear of what other people think about me. SO if I do that, what are they going to think? Are they going to think I'm a fake? (am I being fake?) Are they going to think I"m crazy? (Am I crazy?) Are other people going to be afraid of me? So really, her being who she is, (that I am not accepting of right now), somehow hits some of my most delicate issues (which are rooted in fear). Because yeah, deep down, I'm afraid that maybe I AM really just fucking nuts and need to be locked up somewhere. So until I'm strong and confident in who I am and where I'm at right now... I just might always have negative thoughts about (and I quote with a sarcastic grin) "her" :) Because really, it's not about her, or him, or whoever. It's about us.

What are we really feeling? Is it betrayal? Anger? Guilt? Shame? Fear? I think the fuzzier or more vague the answer appears the deeper the core issue lies. I've been doing some exercises from a book about weight loss and I made a list of everyone I held unloving thoughts of. Which to me was similar to a resentment list but it took it one step further. Resentments are HUGE, but they start somewhere, possibly from tiny unloving thoughts? You put in a room with a people where I harbor maybe one or two unloving thoughts a piece, I'm gonna start feeling REALLY uncomfortable.

Example: thoughts I've had at a meeting before. "Why does he always where those fucking jogging pants, disgusting. She needs to wash her hair, Oh.. here we go again.. same shit different day... either change or quit bitching. Where is so and so, omg are they back out? Oh shit, I think I owe her an amends. Ugh, I really don't like that guy... and couldn't tell you why" THEN I feel guilt because some of these may be people I genuinely care for, and we may even consider each other a friend! And I start question what kind of friend am I if I sit here and smile in their face and have all these terrible thoughts about them?! So how can I have these feelings about them? Because it's not about them, it's about me :) What do I feel is disgusting about myself? What do I whine about and never change? How afraid am I that *I* may go back out?

So, wow. I had no idea this would be this long, but I hope it answers your question or helps in some way, lol. :) When making my list I needed a gauge to kind see who I had unloving thoughts for.... I decided upon a hug gauge. I imagined that person asking for a hug. How hesitant was I to give that hug? And what were my thoughts just after they asked?

Awareness & willingness. The rest will unfold effortlessly, because you're not the one doing it anyway ;).

Love & Light
Dottie

A Mirror of Self: She's Fat

     The site of her instantaneously makes me curl up my nose and just stare at her. I usually start at her ankles, noticing how tiny her feet look against her humongous legs. She big. Very big. And it's apparent I have issues with her, because she's big. Of course the question is what am I seeing in her that is being reflected back, but that is not the point of this blog. The point is to be entirely honest with myself about how I feel about her, let it go and allow Love and compassion to flow freely. I watch her walk with her cane and think, you have to know the reason you walk with a cane is because you are extremely overweight right? I see a wasted life. I see someone dying before there time. I see an unnecessary struggle to live and function a daily basis. I see the possibility of who I could be without constant self-reflection and fearless facing of my demons. I don't respect her. How could I? I can't stand to be in the same room with her. And when she sits at my nurses station I just want to kick the back of her chair and tell her to move her fat ass. I wonder what she looks like naked, and if her husband even remotely finds her attractive? How could he? Was she always this big? What does he look like? Maybe he's a big fat fucking blob too, then I guess it wouldn't matter, she doesn't see it in herself, he doesn't see it in himself.... a beautiful blinded Love. Bastards. She's married? WTF. What about me? I just wanna rip her wedding ring off her finger, IF I  could get it off. AND it's huge! More karats than I've seen most woman wear. I admit, she's intelligent, and willing to help you with any question. However, shes' got a bit of a smart mouth, and I just look at her like really? REALLY. You want to be smart? Just shut the fuck up, I don't respect you anyhow. I wondered today how difficult it really is for her to take her shoes off. Where she shops. How much extra energy she wastes every single day on the most common and mundane activities. Can she whip her ass? Is it possible? When's the last time she had sex with her husband. What about when she's on her period? I mean, c'mon!!! She has body tissue literally falling all over the place, it's not pretty, it's not convenient, how much denial is this woman in? These already semi-gross aspects of life are multiplied in her case.  My nose is curled right now, disgusted. I'm just absolutely disgusted. I don't like her talking to me. I'd just assume pretend she's not there. I don't want to look at her, talk to her, nothing. I just want to look at her and be like so what's it like to weigh 500 lbs? I've watched you. You can't bend over to pick anything up. You're dependant on people around you. You can't fit in 9/10's of the chairs at our facility, it takes you 10 minutes to get in your car.... I've watched you. I've watched you in utter fear, terrified. Having said a thousand times in my life, "If I ever get that big, please, I beg you... please just shoot me" and I mean it.

The tears are sitting in my eyes already and I haven't even wrote anything. A chill just ran down my body, and my mind is thinking of anything to get me away from this computer. All of a sudden, I'm tired. My body and mind is shutting down, shutting it out. < This is what resistance looks like ladies and gentlemen. The moment I noticed myself staring at her ankles, I prayed. I asked God to free me from the thoughts of judgement I was having against her. I just realized I didn't pray for clarity. I asked to feel only Love and compassion for this woman who was obviously dying inside. I wondered why she hurt so much. I wondered what she really felt inside. I remembered moments of always being the first one to jump up to help her, only to cuss her under my breath. Recognizing I struggle with my own feelings towards her. Going out of my way every chance I get to enable this way of life. I become angry at her for handicapping herself. I recognize that in denying her freedom, I'm denying it to myself. If I look at her and become angry because she represents aspects, or potential aspects of my personality.... there is unforgiveness, there is a lack of love towards myself. And if I can't love myself completely and unconditionally, I am hindered in my spiritual growth. I'm ready to be whole, balanced. I'm on a mission. A mission to live the life God wants me to live and frankly, I'm tired of fucking around. So let's look at it... all of it; the good, the bad, the ugly. Somewhere in the back of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous it says the best way to get rid of a resentment is to pray for that person, ask God to grant them all the things you'd want for yourself. What does she want? I don't know. But I'm going to pray that she.... I don't even know where to start. Maybe I'm not there yet, but I'm willing; willing to be there whenever I'm ready to be there. I immediately went back to praying for myself, asking God to help me to release anger, help me to see clearly what I need to see, help me feel only love and compassion for her. But why would I want those things? None of that is helping her in anyway. Judgement. I'm full of judgement. A fearless and moral inventory. Yeah, that's where I'm at. There and here...

I recognize some aspect of her weight is reflecting an aspect of me and mine on a subconscious level, this reflection creates a panic inside of me, a fear. "Where ever the mind is not filled with Love, there is a propensity for insanity." All my hateful words and thoughts are really aimed at me. If she's a mirror, everything I say or do, is aimed right back at me. I wish to be free from this judgement and fear. I want to feel only Love when I look at her, when I look at me.

Dear God, please heal this part of me that is irritated when I look at her. I'm willing to release this anger in exchange for Love and peace. What is this teaching me? How can I help bring about the highest level of healing for both of us, for all of us? Amen.

Love & Light
Dottie

Goals & Lessons

"The miracle worker is asked to do two things: see forgiveness as our function, and relinquish all other goals we have invented for ourselves."

There are a few things I have to remember in order to do these two things.  1) That at any given moment, people are doing the very best they can with what they have and who they are; if I had their life I probably would be doing/acting/reacting just as they are. 2) Forgiveness frees me from the bonds of anger and resentment which are poisen that will slowely and literally eat away at my insides if left unattended and allowed to manifest physically in the form of some disease, more than likely cancer. Forgiveness is not for them or about them, it's about me. 3) If I'm focused on MY plans for me, it's unlikely I'm leaving room for God's, mine will always come first, and it will always be a little bit more of a struggle.

There seems to be a theme for each day lately, and todays had very little to do with the quote or my reflection on it, but I wanted to share none the less. Today's them seemed to be about being very clearly shown what is or is not best, and still being allowed free will. A very keen momentary insight of "Yes, this is a test. What are you going to do?" In the moment of a potential lesson, it's become very clear to me, this is what is going on here... make a choice.

The day started with a lesson of fear/anger. What was I going to let start my day? It was a choice, but it was not without God's help that I was able to achieve the choice I made. I chose to choose Love, I humbly asked God to help me feel it and to let go of the trivial aggravations that were testing my recently attained patience, and so it was. As I relfect on today, I'm in awe. Several situations were oppurtunities for me to grow in the areas of patience, trust, faith, gratitude, and honesty. Oppurtunities to be true to myself and my inner knowningness of what's best for me despite fears. The mere awareness that every moment was simply a chance for me to obtain some thing I had been asking God for, was a strong starting point in my acceptance of what was. I platform to open myself to really .... I'm tired right now, very tired. I'm done writing.

Love & Light
Dottie