Forgiveness

"I read your post and while I was reading it, a question popped into my head. I'd like to know what you think. Have I forgiven someone if I sometimes feel negative feelings about that person?"

This was an email I received from a friend after they read one of my previous blogs. I was kind of excited, having felt like one of those people in the magazines that people write in with questions. haha I was like yaaay. Almost as excited I was when I realized I had two new followers and NO idea who they were! Within just a few moments that excitement turned into arrogance, and my ego was ready to go to town on this question. SO, I prayed. I meditated. And two hours later... I answered his question, just before asking God to be guide my words, and push my ego aside. I'm interested to hear how other people feel about this very same question. So please, leave comments if you wish! "Have we forgiven someone if we sometimes feel negative feelings about that person?"

I keep wanting to say no, but I have a few elaborations I'd like to share.

Forgiving someone totally and fully for everything I'd say you would have ZERO negative feelings for them. You would feel only love for them as a person. Doesn't mean you're gonna be there best friend or even have to talk to them, but every time you think of them for any reason, Love is all you feel in your heart. You truly wish them all the good in the world, that you would have for yourself and more. You want only the best for them.

Let's say it's someone your friends with now. You can forgive someone for doing whatever a year ago, but then they can do something last week and now your angry again. Does that mean you didn't forgive them last year? Not necessarily, you may or may not have. But lets say you did. So you legitimately forgave them last year, now this year... you feel a resentment boiling. You can call it addict thinking, you can call it ego bullshit, you can call it negativity, it doesn't really matter.... whatever IT is that fuels the feeling of unforgiveness/anger/resentment/negative thoughts will grow larger wherever ANY unloving thoughts reside; a forest fire literally starts from a spark.

Also, I'd ask myself is it really even them? Right now I'm working through some issues I have with a girl I go to school with. She seems to really like me, but I have my own issues with her. Those negative thoughts are  grown more from a lack of acceptance of who she is, but my question then becomes... What is she reflecting back at me that I refuse to accept about/within myself?

I've thought about my feelings towards her a lot.. and here's what I've come up with (but this is as far as I've gotten) I'm afraid she's going to push my buttons, and the calm, serene Dottie is going to go right out the window and I'm going to rip her apart with my words in front of an audience. The reason this bothers me (one more layer of the onion) is that I have a deep rooted fear of what other people think about me. SO if I do that, what are they going to think? Are they going to think I'm a fake? (am I being fake?) Are they going to think I"m crazy? (Am I crazy?) Are other people going to be afraid of me? So really, her being who she is, (that I am not accepting of right now), somehow hits some of my most delicate issues (which are rooted in fear). Because yeah, deep down, I'm afraid that maybe I AM really just fucking nuts and need to be locked up somewhere. So until I'm strong and confident in who I am and where I'm at right now... I just might always have negative thoughts about (and I quote with a sarcastic grin) "her" :) Because really, it's not about her, or him, or whoever. It's about us.

What are we really feeling? Is it betrayal? Anger? Guilt? Shame? Fear? I think the fuzzier or more vague the answer appears the deeper the core issue lies. I've been doing some exercises from a book about weight loss and I made a list of everyone I held unloving thoughts of. Which to me was similar to a resentment list but it took it one step further. Resentments are HUGE, but they start somewhere, possibly from tiny unloving thoughts? You put in a room with a people where I harbor maybe one or two unloving thoughts a piece, I'm gonna start feeling REALLY uncomfortable.

Example: thoughts I've had at a meeting before. "Why does he always where those fucking jogging pants, disgusting. She needs to wash her hair, Oh.. here we go again.. same shit different day... either change or quit bitching. Where is so and so, omg are they back out? Oh shit, I think I owe her an amends. Ugh, I really don't like that guy... and couldn't tell you why" THEN I feel guilt because some of these may be people I genuinely care for, and we may even consider each other a friend! And I start question what kind of friend am I if I sit here and smile in their face and have all these terrible thoughts about them?! So how can I have these feelings about them? Because it's not about them, it's about me :) What do I feel is disgusting about myself? What do I whine about and never change? How afraid am I that *I* may go back out?

So, wow. I had no idea this would be this long, but I hope it answers your question or helps in some way, lol. :) When making my list I needed a gauge to kind see who I had unloving thoughts for.... I decided upon a hug gauge. I imagined that person asking for a hug. How hesitant was I to give that hug? And what were my thoughts just after they asked?

Awareness & willingness. The rest will unfold effortlessly, because you're not the one doing it anyway ;).

Love & Light
Dottie