Purpose in Resentment?

"Let it go"

What a novel concept. I thought of this last week and the word "processing" came into my mind. How often we refer to emotions as processing and letting them go. I wanted to see it. What did that look like to me? I thought of a conveyer belt within my heart... in the beginning the emotion was raw and merely looking at it caused a reaction in me that I didn't particularly like, but I reminded myself this was just part of the "process." Once I processed the emotion I put it into a beautiful white box, with God's name on it. I didn't need it anymore, an even more novel concept... "give it to God." DONE. I just stood there within my own mind like okay, here it is God, thanks :) I feel free! Here ya go!......?........um Hellooo? Anyone there? :( WTF! I NEED YOU TO TAKE THIS!!!! I'VE LET IT GO! I've done everything I'm suppose to do! GOOODDDD!!!! (in my best whiney voice) O_o  THEN the realization. My only job is to "let it go", "release it". I've never heard anyone say THROW it at God. I can't make him take it. I simply let it go, I set it down, I don't carry that burden with me any longer. When it no longer serves a purpose, God will take it.

For a little while not I've flipped flopped back and forth with what I'm thinking is a subdued resentment. I've made my amends, yet there was little, if any peace of mind. I've prayed, journaled, talked to my sponsor, sought outside neutral advice, I've sat with it in meditaiton. I feel it hasn't gone anywhere. After have the above realization a week or so ago, I began to wonder maybe there is still a lesson to be learned from this. A purpose. In my heart I've truly felt I've done everything I can do today, what is left but acceptance? Maybe tomorrow something more will be revealed and I can take action then, but as of right now... acceptance is all I have left. Acceptance that I have done my best, and it is still there, and there is nothing I can do about it. A prayer to remain willing to do more if it is presented and open to more guidance being revealed, but other than that... just acceptance. I've let it go and when it serves the highest good of all concerned, this resentment will be fully lifted. Maybe it's preventing a re-connection that WOULDN'T serve the highest good of all concerned... who knows?

I learned today, in graceful humility, that even in recovery, even in a valiant effort to be a better person every single day... I am still susceptible to some of the most vicious of character defects... and it is by God's grace and my willingess to see the truth that I do not act upon them more often that I do. And for that, I am grateful.

Love & Light
Dottie



.