"Admitted we were powerless over alcohol... and our lives had become unmanageable"
I've spent weeks with this step on and off. I don't think I've ever truly said it, and meant it. Honestly, I can't remember the lest time at the very least admitted I was powerless over alcohol. After all, it does just say admitted ;). Okay, I'm just being funny to try and distract me from the truth and task at hand, I do that from time to time.... so getting back...I hear years of "This is the only step you have to get perfect" running around in my head. I'm reminded of my arrogance, and how often it gets in the way of progress. Then, I fear I've taken a step back. Like there has been a moment of transcendence, of truly being free of my addiction to alcohol and drugs at some point, and now... I'm back. Back to going to meetings back to reading that fucking big book, and back to being surrounded by people I can't easily fool. You can't bullshit a bullshitter, and you can't pull addict moves on an addict, sorry... it just doesn't work like that. And me? Well, I don't like to know I'm easily read or accurately predictable. Right now, I just can't admit that I had ZERO to do with getting sober. As I contemplated things on the way home, praying for clarity. I heard once again, just as I heard a few weeks ago,that I am an alcoholic, just as much as I am a female... and there is nothing I can do about it but accept it and live my life in recovery. I was told it was only by God's grace I was sober today, I was in nursing school, I wasn't cutting, and I that I was even alive. I am a walking miracle to be where I've been, and be where I am now. It was all by God's grace, he saved me for a reason, so now am I ready to finally surrender and totally give my life to him? To carry out His will? Whatever that may be? Shout from the rooftops His glory? (Please note the sarcasm) Much of that, especially the last one... seems a bit outrageous to me. But why? I've stood at the doorway of the liquor store on 11 and gratiot and screamed, "ASHEEM! Don't close yet we need more captain's" I have no idea what the guys name was, but he was Indian, so obviously it was Asheem or Achmed.
Something tells me this is a peaceful/joyful lesson in becoming humble. I should learn now. Because if not, it will be back, and possible not as peaceful and joyful, probable actually. It was made very clear to me, if that obsession to drink ever returned, as it has done before... I would be drunk. And the ONLY thing keeping that feverish obsession at bay is God. I was asked if I needed proof of this, I said no with tears in my eyes, I may be defiant, but I'm not stupid. When push comes to shove, the truth comes out. I know if that obsession every does return, like it has before where NOTHING else matters to me but getting that drink... I will be drunk. And if I ask God to prove that to me, He will.
So what does that tell me? I'm powerless if that obsession ever hits, because no human power could have relieved it... not even myself. "Confidence is a total liability." I recognize my resistance in saying my last sobriety date. For those not in the program, I say 3 years. I begin putting "technicalities" on it. Technically, I have 3 years.... I LITERALLY drank ONE NIGHT, 8 hours. KNOWING if I wouldn't have drank and someone else tried to pull the same shit, I'd be like WOW, somebody is swimming in denial. I threw away 2 1/2 years of sobriety for a few hours of drunken stupor. I've said for months, I chose that. It was a choice I made. Was it? We'll see... I thought of that also as I was driving home, then was reminded how everything on the inside of me begged me not to do it, telling me I'd regret it... and yet, like an addict obsessed... I got drunk. I left the liquor store with my pint, and headed to the midnight meeting. I said "Whatever gets me first can have me" I was drinking by the time I hit 15 & Utica. I remember having it in my mouth and thinking... if I spit it out now does it count!?!? Do I get to keep my sobriety date? Is it all gone if I spit it out now? What if I swallow it then pull over and throw it up? Where is the power in that? The desperate plea of how far is to far? Have I gone to far? A guilt and shame so tremendous it would take me 6 months to feel it. An addict out of control. I asked just now, "And what was this over?" and for the first time, it was very clear to me it was because I wasn't honest with myself. I posted the very first blog I ever wrote on blogspot today. It was full of peace, serenity, happiness, acceptance... Then I noticed the date September 19, 2010 and the time 11:36 am. I just sat in shock and said aloud, "I was drinking 12 hours later." What happened? I was not honest with myself. In that drunken stupor I called the guy I wrote the blog about and said, "Well, I'm not crying anymore. I'm drunk!" As if my drinking was going to hurt him. What did I expect him to do? Come get me? Confess his love for me? Add one more thing to my list of "Well, OBVIOUSLY he really does love me no matter what he says because he did x,y, and z." I wanted him to hurt. With one drink I was back to manipulative Dottie. Hurting, I wanted someone else to hurt. For me, the unmanageably and chaos doesn't necessarily show in my life, but OMG is it in my head. I become exhausted at my attempts to manage the thoughts, fears, feelings, and compulsions that are CONSTANTLY tapping at the inside of my skull. I've become VERY good over the years at making everything seem just peachy on the outside.
I can still feel resistance. Funny though, I actually typed "forgiveness" instead of resistance just now. So what does that tell me? I've been asking God to "teach me to forgive" and he is. God, grant me the willingness and courage to get the hell out of my own way, please release me from the bondage of self, most of me is ready to do Thy will, and more of me is ready every day. Thank you for your patience. Amen.
( About ten minutes later)
It's time to make up my mind. Either I am an addict/alcoholic or I'm not. Either I am powerless or I'm not. Either I need God's help or I don't. MAKE A CHOICE...... ha, and this is where the choice comes in isn't it? Well, what can I say? I am an alcoholic and addict, I am powerless, and I need God's help more than I ever have in my life. Because I'm arrogant, stubborn, and prone to self-destruction and self-sabotage. God please keep me humble so I don't have to learn those things again the hard way.
Love & Light
Dottie
P.S. - A reoccurring thought has also been about the 2 people who shared this refusal of being powerless with me. I remember being so excited because they "got" what I had been saying for months! The three of us searched and searched for the right words to avoid the one's already written. One of them is out in active addiction as we speak, and the other is in rehab. It is only by God's grace, I'm not sitting right next to either one of them. For that, I am grateful.
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