Being Aware & Willing

"Learning to love people, even if they're near impossible to love.. Learning to let go of my fears and resentments.. Learning to stop worrying about what others think of me.. Learning to REALLY listen to God & focus on His desires instead of my own. Learning. And that's what I'll be doing for the rest of my time on the Earth.. Learning. ♥" - M.C. - I couldn't have wrote that better myself, and yet it fits my life so perfectly right now.

As I watched the cursor blink, I asked myself. What's in my heart right now? What do I feel? Then with little time to await an answer I began typing. Then realized feeling, is one of the very last things I like to do. I noticed a hundred things within seconds. I heard my Uncle and his girfriend talking, I felt my feet on the desk, I noticed the fresh brushed feeling of my teeth, became aware I was wearing my glasses and that my left eye was weak, and yet just before I noticed how I felt inside, in my heart... I began typing. After the first few words I thought, wow, feeling is one of the very last things I like to do, isn't it? Esepcially in moments like this when I've spent the last few hours exploring what it was I was feeling, and what I could do to get rid of it. Writing lists, journaling, breathing, walking, eating an entire bag of funyons. I prayed. I thought, ya know. I'm in nursing school right now. I really don't have time to face my food addiction, work these fucking steps, and make lists of all these people I hold unloving thoughts against, which is WAAAAY long (as I thought it might be). Somewhere though, from inside of me arose this feeling of it's not my job to heal me. I've been praying for a miracle. My job is to remain ready and willing to carry out God's will, and stay out of my own way. This feeling of just be aware and willing and go to sleep. Wake up and study, and allow God to take care of the rest.

So that's what I'm going to do. I'm gonna take my crabby, over-analyzing, secretly-overachieving ass to bed. (That literally made me lol, and brought a genuine smile to my face.) I'm not going to set an alarm, and I'm going to sleep in. I take a moment and acknowledge where I've been, and feel gratitude for where I am... right now. I live a life built on self-discovery, a journey choked full of Light, Lessons, & Love.

Dottie