Guess It's Meant to Remain "Untitled"

 "I am still and wait here in the silence, until you come and sit a while with me"

    I've been slowing down. There's definately a different vibe in going about my will, and going about God's. My relationship with God is changing dramatically. I don't entirely understand it. But I feel the change. Yes, there are fears, outward superficial fears. It's as if I've traded deep seated fears about life, survival, and growth as a whole for little fears like people mocking my faith. 

I'm amazed at the amount of patience God has given me in such a little time. I really thought it would be a much more arduous and time consuming project, this whole learning patience thing. Maybe it was more an un-learning of impatience.

All I did, was ask God to show me the truth. It was that simple, and that clear "God, please show me the truth." - while driving in my car, humbled and tired, on my way to yoga. Tired of fighting, exauhsted by my own self-will driven search. I hadn't felt his presence in months. I hadn't felt anything in months. I remember praying and saying, "Logically I know I still believe in you, because I'm still talking to you, but I can't feel you, I don't know where you are." - many times I had said that. Within two hours of asking God to show me the truth, I was flooded with emotions I hadn't felt in a very long time, mainly anger, anger towards God. I never, ever thought I could be angry with God. ha. I was, he knew I was. I yelled and screamed, and cried, and even cussed. Through sobbing, hysterical sobbing I screamed "If it was planned I would drink after having 2  1/2 years of continous sobriety that's FUCKED UP".... and then it was gone. That moment did something. I was open again, and more grateful than I had been in a very long time. It was an admittance of how I truly felt, without judgement, without fear, without shame. I was angry at God, my denial of that fact had left me feeling alone for months. Not His reactions to my anger... but my shame that I was angry at the The Man Himself, left me feeling abandoned, more angry, and so very alone. "God has no ego which to be offended." And after my screaming, yelling, cussing fit... I realized it was over; it was as if God said "Finally, don't you feel better now? Let's move on, I love you."

I'm realizing how easily my life flows when I do allow things to unfold naturally, when I listen and be true to myself and what my hearts true desires are. Being honest with myself, with others. Patience in knowing that God really does have a bigger plan. I thought my faith was so strong before, thinking how can it be any stronger? < That should have been my first clue it was ego ran ;) Oh well, it got me to where I am right now, right here, today. Miracles happen everyday, all around me. I'm a very blessed woman. I can say that now, and feel it in my heart. Time to go spread joy & laughter amongst my elders, and learn whatever it is they are here to teach me.

Love & Light
Dottie

H - This may have been for you. <3 I'm not sure, I just wrote it :)