"...but NONE of that matters, right now."
I heard that phrase yesterday, radiating from the part of me that speaks only of Love. I trust that part of me, there isn't much I do trust in this world (recently realized) but I do trust that soft, whisper that floats just atop the essence of who I am within the core of my being. I probably repeated that statment a couple hundred times today, bringing myself back to the moment. Whether it was popping out pills, passing dinner trays, driving down the road, sharing this realization with someone else, or showering. NOTHING I was thinking of mattered at that moment. There is time for reflection, for thinking, and it's not all day long. Although there are many days I would love nothing more than to bask in aloness and go within. I do have to function as a human being here on earth, as LAME as that is sometimes.
After some conversations with a few people last night that aren't as easily fooled by some of my facades... I spent much time in reflection. On the way home I thought alot about how "I'm really fucked in the head aren't I?!" lol "I've got issues!" < The main things that kept running through my mind. I do know who I am, although I feel I don't. I've spent several months attempting to be able to write WHO I WAS... and would get no farther than the question... who am I?
I have a lot of inner dialogues that make me feel like I'm going crazy sometimes. I care alot what other people think about me, and my image is important to me. I can fit in with just about anyone, and most often consciously choose how I'm going to act... am I going to act childlike and fun? or mature and responsible? I read a lot of self help books because I trully think I am fucked in the head, but then think.... aren't we all? And what a beautiful gift it is to atleast be AWARE that I'm fucked in the head! IF I were "normal" there would be nothing to explore... who wants to explore normal? What would I do with my life? A life built upon overcoming obstacles, connected with people from all walks of life? A life that pulsates on a spiritual platform. Basking in the Light would be hard to appreciate if there were no dark to follow. What would a life based upon balance be without dark anyway? A great act of Love is forgiveness, and loving what you hate.... or think you hate ;)... How can I Love myself with a passion that supercedes an indifferent or false "yeah sure I love myself"... if I've never hated myself? WHAT would I do if I were normal? I have no idea.... and I don't want to. Normal doesn't change lives, it doesn't spark inspiration or desire. I am a little weird, and I have issues with boundries and co-dependency. I am currently getting better at being assertive, and vocalizing my wants and needs. A part of me still likes to be elusive, and whimisical. I'm not very good at expressing my anger, and can shut the fuck down in an instant if I choose not to feel. Some days I wake up and want nothing more than "to hide from the world" and not get out from under my covers. My abilities to be vendictive, manipulative, and plain out evil scare the shit out of me. My deepest fear is someone knowing ALL of me, every single bit.... because I'm so afraid if they did, I'd be locked away somewhere. Opinions are nowhere near truth. I wonder if anyone really knows the truth about anything. Opinions of me, including my own aren't always true and that makes me thinkg, alot. I feel very strongly I know what my life purpose is, but remain open to stand corrected and take another route, if that soft whisper tells me so. Some of these are defence mechanisms.... but all of this, every single bit of it... is absolutely okay.
I asked for God last night to breed joy, peace, and serenity within me. I thought about keeping things simple. I can read every self-help book ever written, attend every yoga class, and meditate for 16 hours a day. But as long as I set out on this journey alone, I won't be free of the chaos that sometimes fills my mind. Maybe I won't ever, even with not doing it alone lol I don't know! :) I do know that right now, everything is okay. As long as I maintain the intention of living in a way that fosters joy, peace, and Love within myself and others... everything else will work itself out like magic. I'll stay focused in the solution, and lot God figure out the rest.
"... but NONE of that matters, right now." Because it's over, the moment, the thought, it's all over. The only thing that matters right now is already gone too.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Friday, November 26, 2010
Why Things Happen: Fate & Free Will
"Everything happens for a reason."
I have been a firm believer in this statement since as long as I can remember, however lately I've been gently putting every belief, one at a time, out onto the table of my mind for evaluation. It's like I present it objectively to my higher self and ask if this still works for the greater good in my life.
Everything does happen for a reason, however that reason isn't always as huge and life changing as we may think. Sometimes it happens, simply because we chose it to happen. There is an undercurrent to life, a flow, that goes beyond human understanding. Certain things are coming, beyond our control. No matter what we do or don't do, they are coming. Certain expierences, people, events, etc... WILL happen to us, no matter what we do. BUT how we get there is up to us. It is often intangible, and what I mean by this is that the people, places, circumstances may change because our free will is in play... but the outcome, the emotion, lesson, whatever it is that is coming without fail... WILL find it's way too you.
I used to contemplate free will in a scenario of life and death. I could choose right now to take a gun and shoot myself. That is a fact. I could kill myself right now, before I type the next sentence, that is within my realm of free will. So then, that makes me ask the question how much would I be disrupting the future. Wouldn't God know if I were going to do that? I think so, so if he knew I were going to, why would anything beyond that moment in the future involve me living? Sure, someone's death can change the future too, how many organizations, buildings, and scholarships have been created out of the death of someone else... those instances touch thousands of lives. Maybe my death would greater serve the overall good. (NO I am not contemplating suicide, I promise... just my hypothetical reasoning). I also believe that sometime before each of us were incarnated we chose various expierences and lessons to learn while on earth, and chose to meet up with other souls we knew while on the earth plane to help each other achieve these lessons, and meet the challenges that we know on a deep soul level are coming. I belive that although we have "free will" that undercurrent effects our decisions more than we know.
I feel like this is making very little sense and going around and around in circles! lol. The thoughts I had on this early seemed much clearer. Maybe I'll re-write it later lol
I have been a firm believer in this statement since as long as I can remember, however lately I've been gently putting every belief, one at a time, out onto the table of my mind for evaluation. It's like I present it objectively to my higher self and ask if this still works for the greater good in my life.
Everything does happen for a reason, however that reason isn't always as huge and life changing as we may think. Sometimes it happens, simply because we chose it to happen. There is an undercurrent to life, a flow, that goes beyond human understanding. Certain things are coming, beyond our control. No matter what we do or don't do, they are coming. Certain expierences, people, events, etc... WILL happen to us, no matter what we do. BUT how we get there is up to us. It is often intangible, and what I mean by this is that the people, places, circumstances may change because our free will is in play... but the outcome, the emotion, lesson, whatever it is that is coming without fail... WILL find it's way too you.
I used to contemplate free will in a scenario of life and death. I could choose right now to take a gun and shoot myself. That is a fact. I could kill myself right now, before I type the next sentence, that is within my realm of free will. So then, that makes me ask the question how much would I be disrupting the future. Wouldn't God know if I were going to do that? I think so, so if he knew I were going to, why would anything beyond that moment in the future involve me living? Sure, someone's death can change the future too, how many organizations, buildings, and scholarships have been created out of the death of someone else... those instances touch thousands of lives. Maybe my death would greater serve the overall good. (NO I am not contemplating suicide, I promise... just my hypothetical reasoning). I also believe that sometime before each of us were incarnated we chose various expierences and lessons to learn while on earth, and chose to meet up with other souls we knew while on the earth plane to help each other achieve these lessons, and meet the challenges that we know on a deep soul level are coming. I belive that although we have "free will" that undercurrent effects our decisions more than we know.
I feel like this is making very little sense and going around and around in circles! lol. The thoughts I had on this early seemed much clearer. Maybe I'll re-write it later lol
Evaluating the Second Step of Alocholics Anonymous
I feel like I'm on the verge of really understanding the 2nd step. "Came to believe a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." Do I feel insane? Yes. Have I exausted all attempts at trying to make myself sane? Yes. I few days ago I asked God to reveal himself to me. Was the past year my coming to believe? I think it's possible. Because *I* have been doing lots of things to maintain my sobriety, and do I want sobriety? Absolutely, because I can be extremely self destructive. I have been in the past and to prevent me from doing that, I choose to abstain from addictive/self sabotaging behaviors which encompases a WHOLE bunch of shit. I've even asked myself if I'm agnostic the last several days. A guys today said his sponsor told him that he himself couldn't fix him, and that him (his sponsors) job wasn't to fix him, but to help him to work the steps so God could fix him. That made sense to me. The last addiction is thinking we can do it alone. Go to God, go to his children. That's what the speaker said, that spoke to me. I'm now in the solution. But what part does God play and what part do I play? "Praying only for the knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out." - that's the thought that just came to me. How do I know if I've crossed the line o carrying out God's will for me and carrying out MY will for myself? I'm going to read Step two real quick in the twelve and twelve.... It is not the insanity of the obsession of the drink anymore. It is the insanity that lies within that fueled the obssession to drink. The obsession has been removed by God, as requested... then I set out on a journey to restore myself to sanity. I said thanks and see you later. It is time to re-evaluate these steps and see how they fit into my life now. Because it isn't about being powerless over alocohol anymore, it isn't about being restored from the obsession to drink.... it's about accepting the fact that I HAVE been there, and could go back. It is a possibility... and if *I* try to restore myself to sanity, I'll end up in circles. At one time GOD was the most important word in there, today it's sanity.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Quieting the Voice Within.
"Maybe I'm more cut and dry, black and white, right or wrong than I think I am."
I've literally been up long enough to pee and pour a bowl of cereal. However, the inner dialogue has been in full swing. I'm hoping if I just start typing it will all pour out and ..... "I wait for someone to tell me what's right and whats wrong, I get angry and frustrated when I'm not sure what I'm doing is right or wrong. I need to know. At that point I'll choose if I'm doing the right thing or the wrong thing, but I want to know." Am I eating my breakfast right according to the Yoga of eating book? Am I really hungry? I did eat crazy yesterday. I look at myself in the mirror, do I still look skinny? Yeah, same as yesterday. What kind of tea do I want today? I need yoga, my muscles ache. DAMMIT I shouldn't have done Yin then worked out with Burkey. Where is my uncle, and what is he doing? A friend called, so glad to hear from him, I want to ask him if he's doing heroine again, I heard he was, should I? Is it really my business? I do care about him. But how is that going to change my actions towards him. If he is am I going to do something to help him STOP? IS it even my place. I love ethical/moral issues.... is it because at a soul level, it is one of my biggest challanges? Fear. I thought of fear yesterday as I was walking. I am absolutely terrified of the unknown. It drives me crazy to not know. I want to know. I thought, would I be able to get into a car with someone I "trust" and them answer none of my questions. How would I feel if I were in a car riding and didn't have the slightest clue where I was going, how long we were going to be gone, if anyone else was going to come along later. My anxiety would be through the roof. And I'd probably be livid! A desire to be in control as much as we possibly can. It's like I need to know what's normal, so I can fix or not fix something. Like every characteristic of who I am, I ask myself... do I like this about me? Decide yes or no... go find out if it's "normal" or socially acceptable, and whether or not it will hinder or help me.... then I decide if I'm going to change it. Let's say I decide TO change whatever part of me this is, THEN I venture out in search of books, people, articles, holistic remedies, anything to help me get what *I* want, Then I go through the process of change (greiving, letting go, the exhilarting feeling of "overcomig") I'm addicted to change. Can one be addicted to change? ANY addiction is an avoidance mechinism of something. I keep having the feeling to email this to Billie, then I ask myself why. What are my intentions/expectations? That action alone makes me chuckle a bit and ask myself there I go again, asking myself is it right or wrong? What is the best answer. Guess we all do that.. < That was what I just heard. We all do it, most people on a very unconcious level, however, I'm a little more concious than most.. but a reminder to self ---- SO I almost wrote here about not being better than anyone, or above anyone else... then I thought, but I AM. There are people that are not as concious as I am, and there are those that are more concious than I am.... There are people that play the piano better than me, run farther than me, breath deeper, and all of that is okay. In the grand scheme of it all, there is balance. Honestly, a balance than can never be truly disrupted on level of eternity. I just compared myself to the mad hatter on ALice of Wonderland last night. Often I feel I'm too smart for my own good. BREATHE. I want yoga. A yoga class, I'll go to Ashtanga at 5:30 tonight. I want tea but I"m afraid it'll disrupt my flow. I am afraid of everything. I'm afraid of doing something wrong, of doing something not good enough. I'm afraid of what people think about me, what I'm going to do today... what if at the end of the day I realize I didn't do what I wanted to do?, I'm afraid of what kind of mood my uncle will be in and what he's going t osay, desperatly wishing he was in FL already, I'm afraid of what Billie is going to think/say when/if she reads this.... I'm afraid of life. Wow, everything stopped because after I wrote "I'm afraid of life, I thought I don't really wanna be here. I didn't sign up for this shit." and I got angry. Then I ask myself, who the fuck is *I* anyway? Is it "the ego" which I must rid myself of, and be leary of and not trust, or is it my higher self, if it is the ego which can be used for good. There is an argument going on in my head right now thats going something like this... "I NEED TO KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS RIGHT AND BEST FOR ME SO I CAN DO THAT" another voice says, "It's all right." and I'm just like wtf. I'm beginning to see perfectin tendencies, but okay so before I begin the cycle of problem, why, do I like it? Keep it or change it? search... cry.... exhilartion.... I'm just like.... maybe it's suppose to be there. It's served some kind of good purpose. It always does. OMG I feel like I'm crazy. I wrote in a journal once that I"m terrified of people knowing what goes on inside of me because they will label me as crazy and all my rights and who I am be stripped away. There are tears now, why are there tears? For a purging of sorts..... as the world fell silent for a moment or two I heard "This is the voice I try and quiet with food." < because this voice fucking drives me nuts. I just wanna be like SHUT THE FUCK UP, I just want to live. Maybe I'll send this to Jack too. I can feel the urge to cry, but I'm afraid I won't, and I'll miss an oppurtunity to purge myself of some pent up emotion.... wow.
I've literally been up long enough to pee and pour a bowl of cereal. However, the inner dialogue has been in full swing. I'm hoping if I just start typing it will all pour out and ..... "I wait for someone to tell me what's right and whats wrong, I get angry and frustrated when I'm not sure what I'm doing is right or wrong. I need to know. At that point I'll choose if I'm doing the right thing or the wrong thing, but I want to know." Am I eating my breakfast right according to the Yoga of eating book? Am I really hungry? I did eat crazy yesterday. I look at myself in the mirror, do I still look skinny? Yeah, same as yesterday. What kind of tea do I want today? I need yoga, my muscles ache. DAMMIT I shouldn't have done Yin then worked out with Burkey. Where is my uncle, and what is he doing? A friend called, so glad to hear from him, I want to ask him if he's doing heroine again, I heard he was, should I? Is it really my business? I do care about him. But how is that going to change my actions towards him. If he is am I going to do something to help him STOP? IS it even my place. I love ethical/moral issues.... is it because at a soul level, it is one of my biggest challanges? Fear. I thought of fear yesterday as I was walking. I am absolutely terrified of the unknown. It drives me crazy to not know. I want to know. I thought, would I be able to get into a car with someone I "trust" and them answer none of my questions. How would I feel if I were in a car riding and didn't have the slightest clue where I was going, how long we were going to be gone, if anyone else was going to come along later. My anxiety would be through the roof. And I'd probably be livid! A desire to be in control as much as we possibly can. It's like I need to know what's normal, so I can fix or not fix something. Like every characteristic of who I am, I ask myself... do I like this about me? Decide yes or no... go find out if it's "normal" or socially acceptable, and whether or not it will hinder or help me.... then I decide if I'm going to change it. Let's say I decide TO change whatever part of me this is, THEN I venture out in search of books, people, articles, holistic remedies, anything to help me get what *I* want, Then I go through the process of change (greiving, letting go, the exhilarting feeling of "overcomig") I'm addicted to change. Can one be addicted to change? ANY addiction is an avoidance mechinism of something. I keep having the feeling to email this to Billie, then I ask myself why. What are my intentions/expectations? That action alone makes me chuckle a bit and ask myself there I go again, asking myself is it right or wrong? What is the best answer. Guess we all do that.. < That was what I just heard. We all do it, most people on a very unconcious level, however, I'm a little more concious than most.. but a reminder to self ---- SO I almost wrote here about not being better than anyone, or above anyone else... then I thought, but I AM. There are people that are not as concious as I am, and there are those that are more concious than I am.... There are people that play the piano better than me, run farther than me, breath deeper, and all of that is okay. In the grand scheme of it all, there is balance. Honestly, a balance than can never be truly disrupted on level of eternity. I just compared myself to the mad hatter on ALice of Wonderland last night. Often I feel I'm too smart for my own good. BREATHE. I want yoga. A yoga class, I'll go to Ashtanga at 5:30 tonight. I want tea but I"m afraid it'll disrupt my flow. I am afraid of everything. I'm afraid of doing something wrong, of doing something not good enough. I'm afraid of what people think about me, what I'm going to do today... what if at the end of the day I realize I didn't do what I wanted to do?, I'm afraid of what kind of mood my uncle will be in and what he's going t osay, desperatly wishing he was in FL already, I'm afraid of what Billie is going to think/say when/if she reads this.... I'm afraid of life. Wow, everything stopped because after I wrote "I'm afraid of life, I thought I don't really wanna be here. I didn't sign up for this shit." and I got angry. Then I ask myself, who the fuck is *I* anyway? Is it "the ego" which I must rid myself of, and be leary of and not trust, or is it my higher self, if it is the ego which can be used for good. There is an argument going on in my head right now thats going something like this... "I NEED TO KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS RIGHT AND BEST FOR ME SO I CAN DO THAT" another voice says, "It's all right." and I'm just like wtf. I'm beginning to see perfectin tendencies, but okay so before I begin the cycle of problem, why, do I like it? Keep it or change it? search... cry.... exhilartion.... I'm just like.... maybe it's suppose to be there. It's served some kind of good purpose. It always does. OMG I feel like I'm crazy. I wrote in a journal once that I"m terrified of people knowing what goes on inside of me because they will label me as crazy and all my rights and who I am be stripped away. There are tears now, why are there tears? For a purging of sorts..... as the world fell silent for a moment or two I heard "This is the voice I try and quiet with food." < because this voice fucking drives me nuts. I just wanna be like SHUT THE FUCK UP, I just want to live. Maybe I'll send this to Jack too. I can feel the urge to cry, but I'm afraid I won't, and I'll miss an oppurtunity to purge myself of some pent up emotion.... wow.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Passion
What am I passionate about at this point in my life, right now?
I asked myself that question yesterday as I walked, because those passions have changed. I am passionate about connecting mind, body, and spirit. About attaining goals, and helping others do the same. I'm passionate about overcoming obstacles, and being a better person today than I was the day before. Yoga, I'm passionate about yoga, loosing weight, and being healthy. About having the inside match the outside, and allowing fear to be merely a motivator for postitive change and nothing else. I'm becoming an observer of life, of people. I'm passionate about living a life of balance free of addictive behaviors. I'm passionate about cultivating an awareness that supercedes all that I've ever known. That just is, without explanation, and actually posses an elusiveness which makes it almost impossible to label, describe, or validate. Simplicity.
I like simplicity. Maybe because I don't allow much of it into my life, lol. :) I'm okay with that.
I also thought yesterday about doing things to elminate fear. Like truly always doing my best, and everything that is expected of me say at my job or in school.... and it will eliminate much anxiety and fear.
Well, I think I got out all I needed too.... I'm going to study at bit now :)
Namaste
I asked myself that question yesterday as I walked, because those passions have changed. I am passionate about connecting mind, body, and spirit. About attaining goals, and helping others do the same. I'm passionate about overcoming obstacles, and being a better person today than I was the day before. Yoga, I'm passionate about yoga, loosing weight, and being healthy. About having the inside match the outside, and allowing fear to be merely a motivator for postitive change and nothing else. I'm becoming an observer of life, of people. I'm passionate about living a life of balance free of addictive behaviors. I'm passionate about cultivating an awareness that supercedes all that I've ever known. That just is, without explanation, and actually posses an elusiveness which makes it almost impossible to label, describe, or validate. Simplicity.
I like simplicity. Maybe because I don't allow much of it into my life, lol. :) I'm okay with that.
I also thought yesterday about doing things to elminate fear. Like truly always doing my best, and everything that is expected of me say at my job or in school.... and it will eliminate much anxiety and fear.
Well, I think I got out all I needed too.... I'm going to study at bit now :)
Namaste
Exploring the Anger
What do I do with the anger? Why do I feel so much anger?
Seems like there is so much anger bubbling to the surface. I'm nto sure what to do with it. I've conteplated the times in my life when I felt anger and how I expressed it. I'm afraid of my anger. It scares me. What am I so afraid of? That I'm going to hurt someone, including myself. Because I have, so many times before. Seems like few things make sense anymore. The weight things carry are the weight I attach to them. Something inside me tells me that part of this is uneccesary, I am only torturing myself. I pause for a moment to reflect on that. Is it really important to know why everything happens? Can I just allow the anger to bubble and dissipate? But what do I do with it? Who and what am I angry at? I think of Dee, my mother, and my father. I think of how angry my Dad used to make me and how I couldn't show him because then he would get angrier. So I acted like it didn't bother me. I feel like I could be spending this time doing something more valubale like sutdying. But is that me avoiding this subject? Sometimes, I think I'm too smart for my own good. I avoid my uncle like the plague most of the time, especially right now when I have such little money in the bank. I just hought about shifting my focus. As I focus on things healing and going away they will, but what about feeling them and acknowledging them? I feel like I"m driving mysef fucking nuts. There is so little going on in my life right now, and yet I feel like everything is spinning so fast. WTF. Breathe.
Seems like there is so much anger bubbling to the surface. I'm nto sure what to do with it. I've conteplated the times in my life when I felt anger and how I expressed it. I'm afraid of my anger. It scares me. What am I so afraid of? That I'm going to hurt someone, including myself. Because I have, so many times before. Seems like few things make sense anymore. The weight things carry are the weight I attach to them. Something inside me tells me that part of this is uneccesary, I am only torturing myself. I pause for a moment to reflect on that. Is it really important to know why everything happens? Can I just allow the anger to bubble and dissipate? But what do I do with it? Who and what am I angry at? I think of Dee, my mother, and my father. I think of how angry my Dad used to make me and how I couldn't show him because then he would get angrier. So I acted like it didn't bother me. I feel like I could be spending this time doing something more valubale like sutdying. But is that me avoiding this subject? Sometimes, I think I'm too smart for my own good. I avoid my uncle like the plague most of the time, especially right now when I have such little money in the bank. I just hought about shifting my focus. As I focus on things healing and going away they will, but what about feeling them and acknowledging them? I feel like I"m driving mysef fucking nuts. There is so little going on in my life right now, and yet I feel like everything is spinning so fast. WTF. Breathe.
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