Quieting the Voice Within.

"Maybe I'm more cut and dry, black and white, right or wrong than I think I am."

I've literally been up long enough to pee and pour a bowl of cereal.  However, the inner dialogue has been in full swing.  I'm hoping if I just start typing it will all pour out and ..... "I wait for someone to tell me what's right and whats wrong, I get angry and frustrated when I'm not sure what I'm doing is right or wrong.  I need to know. At that point I'll choose if I'm doing the right thing or the wrong thing, but I want to know."  Am I eating my breakfast right according to the Yoga of eating book? Am I really hungry? I did eat crazy yesterday. I look at myself in the mirror, do I still look skinny? Yeah, same as yesterday.  What kind of tea do I want today? I need yoga, my muscles ache. DAMMIT I shouldn't have done Yin then worked out with Burkey.  Where is my uncle, and what is he doing? A friend called, so glad to hear from him, I want to ask him if he's doing heroine again, I heard he was, should I? Is it really my business? I do care about him. But how is that going to change my actions towards him. If he is am I going to do something to help him STOP? IS it even my place.  I love ethical/moral issues.... is it because at a soul level, it is one of my biggest challanges?  Fear. I thought of fear yesterday as I was walking.  I am absolutely terrified of the unknown. It drives me crazy to not know. I want to know. I thought, would I be able to get into a car with someone I "trust" and them answer none of my questions.  How would I feel if I were in a car riding and didn't have the slightest clue where I was going, how long we were going to be gone, if anyone else was going to come along later. My anxiety would be through the roof.  And I'd probably be livid! A desire to be in control as much as we possibly can.  It's like I need to know what's normal, so I can fix or not fix something.  Like every characteristic of who I am, I ask myself... do I like this about me? Decide yes or no... go find out if it's "normal" or socially acceptable, and whether or not it will hinder or help me.... then I decide if I'm going to change it.  Let's say I decide TO change whatever part of me this is, THEN I venture out in search of books, people, articles, holistic remedies, anything to help me get what *I* want, Then I go through the process of change (greiving, letting go, the exhilarting feeling of "overcomig") I'm addicted to change. Can one be addicted to change? ANY addiction is an avoidance mechinism of something. I keep having the feeling to email this to Billie, then I ask myself why. What are my intentions/expectations? That action alone makes me chuckle a bit and ask myself there I go again, asking myself is it right or wrong? What is the best answer. Guess we all do that.. < That was what I just heard. We all do it, most people on a very unconcious level, however, I'm a little more concious than most.. but a reminder to self ---- SO I almost wrote here about not being better than anyone, or above anyone else... then I thought, but I AM. There are people that are not as concious as I am, and there are those that are more concious than I am.... There are people that play the piano better than me, run farther than me, breath deeper, and all of that is okay. In the grand scheme of it all, there is balance. Honestly, a balance than can never be truly disrupted on level of eternity.  I just compared myself to the mad hatter on ALice of Wonderland last night.  Often I feel I'm too smart for my own good. BREATHE. I want yoga. A yoga class, I'll go to Ashtanga at 5:30 tonight. I want tea but I"m afraid it'll disrupt my flow. I am afraid of everything. I'm afraid of doing something wrong, of doing something not good enough. I'm afraid of what people think about me, what I'm going to do today... what if at the end of the day I realize I didn't do what I wanted to do?, I'm afraid of what kind of mood my uncle will be in and what he's going t osay, desperatly wishing he was in FL already, I'm afraid of what Billie is going to think/say when/if she reads this.... I'm afraid of life. Wow, everything stopped because after I wrote "I'm afraid of life, I thought I don't really wanna be here. I didn't sign up for this shit." and I got angry.  Then I ask myself, who the fuck is *I* anyway? Is it "the ego" which I must rid myself of, and be leary of and not trust, or is it my higher self, if it is the ego which can be used for good. There is an argument going on in my head right now thats going something like this... "I NEED TO KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS RIGHT AND BEST FOR ME SO I CAN DO THAT" another voice says, "It's all right." and I'm just like wtf. I'm beginning to see perfectin tendencies, but okay so before I begin the cycle of problem, why, do I like it? Keep it or change it? search... cry.... exhilartion.... I'm just like.... maybe it's suppose to be there. It's served some kind of good purpose. It always does. OMG I feel like I'm crazy. I wrote in a journal once that I"m terrified of people knowing what goes on inside of me because they will label me as crazy and all my rights and who I am be stripped away. There are tears now, why are there tears? For a purging of sorts..... as the world fell silent for a moment or two I heard "This is the voice I try and quiet with food." < because this voice fucking drives me nuts. I just wanna be like SHUT THE FUCK UP, I just want to live. Maybe I'll send this to Jack too. I can feel the urge to cry, but I'm afraid I won't, and I'll miss an oppurtunity to purge myself of some pent up emotion.... wow.