Standards

There is something to be said about the company you keep. About the type of people you surround yourself with.

When I made the decision to be a healthier human being I found myself in the middle of a gym whose standards where high. Whose expectations where high. Whose ego was just big enough to not be afraid to risk hurting your feelings in the name of facts. I want to say that I was raised, my post weight loss self was raised amongst people whose love of the work bordered on psychotic, or leveled it out in some way. That was the company I kept. Two years later, I find it much easier to quit. I find myself surround by people who will let me whine my way out of the work, who let me change the game. Then I'm hit with surprise and disappointment. As if I was testing them to see if I could trust them to go with me to the places I wanted to go. To see if they knew me well enough to know that quitting was the last thing I really wanted to do. It has become more acceptable to myself to not push myself as hard. I find myself less motivated and driven, a little less passionate and a little more melancholy. Tracy has told me more than once, that I need to decide what I want. That isn't so much the problem The problem is that what I want isn't as easily accessible here. I know what I want. Just under 100 miles away from where I was. So I settle. I do enjoy power-lifting, so I do that, but I know I need more cardio. I miss the station, but I feel ashamed at the standards I've allowed myself to accept. Settling. Less cardio. More repetition. Imagining myself as the person in that Gold's gym who came and did the same routines every week.* I'm ashamed that I am that person, Monday chest & bi's, Tuesday legs, Thursday back & tri's, the person that we as a community at the station were not. It seems so petty sometimes. But is it?! To me it's a representation of the person I strive to be everyday. To me it's not petty, it's important. I wonder if it served it's purpose and now time to let it go, but I can't seem to do that. Nothing I've had since then has lived up to the standards I created while I was there. The standards I was compared too by those I surrounded myself with. No one has given me what I want, and I can't seem to cultivate it on my own. Instead of pushing myself, I've lowered my standards. The last time I went there, to the station, I was within 5 miles and decided I couldn't make it. I didn't deserve to be there. I was an emotional mess and instead of going in there and exposing that part of me as I once did, I went home. Wanting so much just to have back that routine of yoga, cardio, & Burkey.

The question then is this... is the challenge here letting go and embracing something new? or creating what I had there, here, and is that even possible?

OR I could go down once a week. Bite the bullet, pay the gas, take the time, and get it done? There's an option I haven't given much thought too

**http://station515.blogspot.com/p/who-we-are.html

With Grace & Gratitude...

Coming Together

There are those moments when it all starts coming together. When the links become apparent, and the lessons more intense. When it seems like every time you turn around its another opportunity from the universe to step forward or remain where you are. By this point, it's tiring. My stomach hurts. Briefly, I want to cry. I want to hang my head and say I can't take on anymore. But then something reminds me I asked for this. I ask for help from the universe to learn to create stronger boundaries, to voice myself. I asked for help with my fears with money, with my feelings of never having enough. I asked for help with my compulsive overeating, and my relationship with my mother. And all I've gotten for the past week are huge validations on how they are all connected. The smoke is clearing. How my feelings of not having enough may have been taken on from my mother & created by her years ago, which manifests physically through my making good money but running out before next payday. I overeat in subconscious attempts to nurture myself, to fuel myself because my "love tank" is full. You know when something holds some truth for you? When you can't stop thinking about it. When the phrases bounces around in your head, refusing to go anywhere until you take it in your hands and sit with it for a moment, a few moments. Long enough to understand it. Wait... That's interesting, I just typed "love tank is full" when what I meant to say was empty, I meant to say my over-eating and money habits could suggest that I may feel my "love tank" is empty. A Freudian slip maybe. Let somebody love you. That has also been bouncing around in my head. Insinuating that  I have difficulty allowing someone to love me. That I struggle accepting the kind of love that wants nothing from you. I feel confused and tired. A bit fatigued. Like the last 1/3 of a workout or race when you are past the utter exhaustion phase, you're in the euphoric phase. Where the endorphins have kicked in to get you passed the finish line. Where you are too close to give up. Where the drive to finish is significantly more than the desire to quit, only it doesn't feel like desire it all. You're just ready to get it done. You've surrendered any fight because you know whining and complaining isn't going to get you there any faster. You just take a breath, keep your eyes forward and let your body take you where your soul needs to go. I'll take that.

With Grace & Gratitude...

And the Journey Continues

I have been angry for days. Which might have peaked last night when the dog woke us up only 3 hours after being in bed to go outside. I let him out JUST BEFORE BED, to prevent this kind of situation. I can't even say I wasn't in the mood to deal with him, because I never am. After attempting to ignore his pawing at the side of the bed and whining, I yelled "fucking goddamn dog!" as I crawled out of bed swearing if he ran off again this time I was locking him out all night. Anger. I know it all to well.

I will be the first to tell you, I don't handle anger well, and after reading through old blogs ABOUT anger for the last 30min from over the last 4 years, the general consensus seems to be that I'm afraid of my anger, of what I will do when I'm angry... to myself or others. I have, somewhere along the lines, deemed anger unacceptable which adds even more resistance when it arises within me. I've re-read how working out with Burkey and working with Billie & Jack have done wonders with how I manage my anger. But they aren't here in anymore, not in Lansing anyway, not an active part of my life's journey at this moment. So I'm here with even more fear of what do I do with it now?

I did the only thing I knew how to do last night, short of punching walls and kicking the dog. It's funny how its usually the last thing, but always the right thing, and the most effective thing. I prayed. I wanted to beat the dog. I wanted to kick him every time I looked down at him. Something had to be done. Because he didn't deserve that. I've at least cultivated enough awareness over the years to know it wasn't about the dog. So I prayed. I crawled in bed and recited the Lord's prayer, because really that's the only prayer I know. And I feel asleep before I finished the third recital of it.

And yet, I woke up still angry. I'm angry now. So I meditated and did some healing work. I think I most angry at myself. I've allowed myself to fall back into old eating habits. I've let go of things I really wanted to keep in my life. My lack of decent boundaries has allowed me to loose myself within my relationship. Which I think has always been my fear with relationships. And why up until this point I have avoided committed relationships and partners who wanted them. It's humbling. It's shameful. I've always ducked & ran. I've always chose to leave instead of facing my boundary issues. I can be fiercely independent outside of the relationship, know exactly what I want, & what I need to do to take care of myself and have no problem doing it. But you throw me into a partnership where I have to also take into consideration my partners needs & wants and allow someone else to nurture and take care of me at times??? I'm at a fucking loss. I'm like a dear in headlights. I get so anxious about meeting them, I neglect my own! It's probably due to the fact I've spent most of my life in survival mode. So now, I go into learning mode. I shut my mouth and stop voicing myself. Simply being in it is stressful unto itself for me most days because its uncharted waters, God forbid I rock the boat anymore, I'm barely hanging on as it is... that's how I often feel. Like I'm constantly fumbling. Or rather that is my fear. I'm angry that its such a struggle for me to function in a normal & healthy relationship. Especially when I truly want it, and so much good comes from it. But isn't that how it happens? Our life lessons? I learned how to comfortably be single, to know myself, to love myself. To have boundaries & assert myself with others outside of my most intimate relationships. And now its time learn that within a relationship; within this relationship. Because I choose her.

It's difficult though to not reach back for old tools like working out or AA that once helped with these life lessons, to reach back to the people who helped before with my personal growth. And when you try, the universe manages to stop you. There's an inner knowing that it's time for someone, something new, because this is new. It sits me in this grey area of stillness. Where the only thing to do is to wait. To be still, to listen. To be willing to fail and keep going. To risk rocking the boat with those closest to you. Because if someone, anyone truly loves you, they support you in positive changes. They will grow with you. I trust that.

What do you know, I'm not angry anymore.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Sweetness

I'm a much more productive human being when I'm not on Facebook.

And when I say "not on Facebook" I mean... not even signed up, not even having an active profile. There's something about Facebook that distracts me from life. From myself, from things I need to cultivate within myself. I deactivated my account months ago and didn't look back until I realized that I still loved to blog, and Facebook happened to be my biggest fan. Where else was I going to post them?

I've spent the majority of my life looking for answers to the hard questions. The questions that may not have an answer. I've spent the last 6+ years searching for my own answers. Digging deep within my own psyche and cleaning out muck that had accumulated from all the years before. People are fascinating. I'm fascinating. I consider myself lucky to have this insatiable appetite to figure myself out, to grow, and evolve. I also consider myself lucky to have been part of so many others' similar journey. One of the big things I've learned is that we often subconsciously avoid our issues. Wonder why people show up in our lives when they do? Or do the things they do? Because people are mirrors. Always, constantly offering you the opportunity to look at yourself. I've also learned that when just before it breaks, it hurts the worst. It truly does seem "darkest before the dawn." You feel as if you cannot take much more. Anger, anxiety, & the urge to give way to the same old thing and stop fighting for something new seems so sweet it makes your mouth water. It's an illusion of freedom. We mistake that giving up for surrender. We mistake giving in for standing still but strong. The freedom comes from breaking the old habits, and letting them lie where they may. Of not only breaking the metaphorical chains, but not carrying around the metaphorically cuffs either. I've spent my life using drugs, alcohol, food, sex, and even Facebook to distract myself from growth. We all do it. My goal over the last 6 years has simply been to become more conscious, and sometimes yes, I'm a little too deep for some, and sometimes the rabbit hole seems to open up and swallow me whole. Sometimes I'm too deep for myself. But it is these places I find the most amazing things about life, about people, & about myself.

Don't be afraid to ask yourself the hard questions. To be honest, and ask others to do the same. We are so afraid of what we would learn about ourselves if God forbid, we sat in some silence. If we asked ourselves, "What is this person I cannot stand reflecting to me about myself?" "Who am I when I'm not being productive?" "What does enough feel like?" What if for JUST A MOMENT we slowly, step by step removed any thoughts of the past along with any feelings of how it should or should not have been; then take a breath and release thoughts and anticipation of the future, and simply sit with ourselves. If we ask yourselves what would it feel like, if just for a moment, I completely and totally accept my life as it is without any kind of desire for it to be any different... what would that feel like? That my friends is the sweetness that should make your mouth water.

With Grace & Gratitude...