The Weight of Other People's Opinions

 You know what I'm tired of carrying? The weight of other people's opinions.

I sat in my salt-water bath reflecting on my life, Mother's Day, my own Mother and being a Mother. I sat in silence and contemplated what I had read earlier today about believing that all possibilities are available to me. I realized while sitting in that bathtub looking up through the skylight directly above my head that it's okay for me to be happy. I deserve to be happy. I think there came a point in my journey that I outgrew some people so much, they could no longer be happy for me. Their support and blessings were limited. Eventually, they tried to pull me back down. I distinctly remember a fight with my aunt in 2015 where she told me I had forgotten where I came from and, more or less, that I was a terrible daughter and person. I told her I remembered clearly where I came from, because I never wanted to go back. I think on some level, I've carried that with me, though, and I don't want to anymore - that feeling of guilt for flourishing. I'm allowed to be happy. I don't have to punish myself or shift that heaviness to another area of my life, I can be free. I deserve that, so do my children and my spouse. I have chosen to struggle. I think some part of me never wanted to feel "better" than anyone else. I didn't want anyone, especially my family to look at me and think, "Her life is perfect. She's got it so easy. She got lucky" But, the truth is, it doesn't matter what anyone thinks of me. That is heavy shit to carry. I am not getting any younger. My Mother's life was short. The average American gets another 17 years. 

I am human. Therefore, I am not perfect, despite my best, most exhausting, efforts... I am not perfect. But I wake up each day with the intention to do good. Once upon a time, I would have added, to be a better person than I was the day before, but I believe that thinking is outdated. It suggests that I am a perpetual failure, and I've felt like that enough in my life. My heart wants nothing more than to leave the world and the people I encounter, especially the people closest to me - happier, healthier, and freer. At the very least, I wish to do no harm. That is my heart's truest desire. To bring forth all the things I've ever wanted for myself, to those around me and the world. 

I find enormous comfort in this truth. It feels simple and light. I don't have to choose struggle. 

How am I going to do this?

-Stop listening to melancholy music.

-Believe my body wants to heal and that anything I want is possible

-Have a facial skin care routine

-Let little shit slide

-Love myself. 

-Forgive myself and believe I deserve happiness

Currently Untitled

It was hypnagogic to say the least, watching her blood pressure fall with each automatic inflation and calculation.  Starring through dried contact lenses at familiar numbers. My background allowed me an understanding which most daughters may not have had the luxury,  She was septic. I knew it before I called 911. I knew it the moment her temperature rang 102.8 as she shook under five blankets obsessed with how chilled her internal organs felt. I also knew what we were concerned about although no one had said it yet. Shock. A multi-organ system failure. The blood pressure drops, the heart rate increases and a loss of consciousness marks a time to stop fucking around. As I spat out the communal concern, some surprise feel across their faces. It was okay. They seemed to breath a little easier; a pressure was released. I understood. The nurse in me stepped forward moving lines, checking numbers, suggesting interventions, and explaining to her what was going on and why she needed to stay under an ice blanket. It was quiet and about twelve hours into our emergency room adventure when the daughter in me gently reminded the whole of factual possibilities. The unthinkable could happen here, it happens all the time. People go in for routine procedures and don't come back out. Like a bad Grey's Anatomy episode, "But she only had the hiccups." It was a surreal moment. What stands out the most is how I stood up, and I breathed. There were no dramatics. There were no pity parties or reaching out to somehow alter this experience making it more acceptable, easier. I was present, I was calm. I did pace though. Movement helps me think, it keeps me grounded. I paced five steps this way, four steps that way. I stood on a crag I had escorted so many others down. I stood sober and exposed as I realized that one day, my mother would also join the many who had passed on from this life to the next. That one day, her heart would cease to beat and her chest would cease to rise. Knowing you will one day loose your mother and watching what appears to be a generated preview offer two very different perspectives. I wondered what that moment would be like; I wondered if this was that moment. It was here the tears found their way into my experience.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Letting It All Go

It's much more difficult to push someone out of your life because of who they are, than what they've done.

It's as if you don't really have a reason. It's more personal. There is no anger. It's just truth. It's a slow and painful realization that they are not healthy for you. And out of love for yourself, you choose to walk away, pull away, or create a wall between you and them. And that's okay. We stick with people out of love for them. But what about love of ourselves? It is not selfish. I would be in the same fucking place I was 10 years ago or worse had I not chosen to be "selfish" and love myself.

I respect people. I support who they are and the choices they make. I honor boundaries and wishes. Because I desire the same. I expect the same. And if someone cannot do that for me, I choose to not have them in my life. Good intentions mean so little compared to action. I do not pay for people's poor choices. I do not enable unhealthy behaviors. Being of blood relation DOES NOT give you a free pass to hurt me or inhibit my growth in a positive direction.

I surround myself with people who respect others. Who focus to raise them up, empower them, support them. To give them the freedom to become who they are, to allow them follow their own path. I choose to surround myself with people who strive to become better, who ask themselves the hard questions. People who overcome adversities. Who invite humility and grace. Who accept help as only a temporary tool to get themselves to a greater goal. THESE are the people I want in my life. These are the characteristics I have embodied, and put forth in the world to help empower all people, Not just friends, family, or people I know. But everyone.

I believe helping and empowering people are two different things. And there is beauty in allowing someone to hit rock bottom. Sometimes it is there where their answer lies. Sometimes it is at the bottom, in their created darkness they become willing to see things differently. It often allows them to see their own strength, to find their fight, their humility, their connection to something greater. It is ALWAYS our choice to remain where we are or move forward. I believe in allowing people take themselves to this place.. But also believe in not letting them take me there, too.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Coming Together

There are those moments when it all starts coming together. When the links become apparent, and the lessons more intense. When it seems like every time you turn around its another opportunity from the universe to step forward or remain where you are. By this point, it's tiring. My stomach hurts. Briefly, I want to cry. I want to hang my head and say I can't take on anymore. But then something reminds me I asked for this. I ask for help from the universe to learn to create stronger boundaries, to voice myself. I asked for help with my fears with money, with my feelings of never having enough. I asked for help with my compulsive overeating, and my relationship with my mother. And all I've gotten for the past week are huge validations on how they are all connected. The smoke is clearing. How my feelings of not having enough may have been taken on from my mother & created by her years ago, which manifests physically through my making good money but running out before next payday. I overeat in subconscious attempts to nurture myself, to fuel myself because my "love tank" is full. You know when something holds some truth for you? When you can't stop thinking about it. When the phrases bounces around in your head, refusing to go anywhere until you take it in your hands and sit with it for a moment, a few moments. Long enough to understand it. Wait... That's interesting, I just typed "love tank is full" when what I meant to say was empty, I meant to say my over-eating and money habits could suggest that I may feel my "love tank" is empty. A Freudian slip maybe. Let somebody love you. That has also been bouncing around in my head. Insinuating that  I have difficulty allowing someone to love me. That I struggle accepting the kind of love that wants nothing from you. I feel confused and tired. A bit fatigued. Like the last 1/3 of a workout or race when you are past the utter exhaustion phase, you're in the euphoric phase. Where the endorphins have kicked in to get you passed the finish line. Where you are too close to give up. Where the drive to finish is significantly more than the desire to quit, only it doesn't feel like desire it all. You're just ready to get it done. You've surrendered any fight because you know whining and complaining isn't going to get you there any faster. You just take a breath, keep your eyes forward and let your body take you where your soul needs to go. I'll take that.

With Grace & Gratitude...

With Grace

For those of you who don't know, I'm a Hospice nurse. And although I said this is were I'd be at the end of my career, God had another plan. Last winter I had the son of a patient who had just taken her last breath ask me, "How do you do this work day in and day out?" without thought or hesitation I said, "with grace." The response alone shifted something inside of me, as if it didn't even come from me. It was absolutely true, and I knew it.

That is how I do this work, day in and day out. I really do love it. There is something beautiful about being there for someone or multiple someones during such a delicate time. Grace implies fluidity, calm, and simply being present. With that being said... the other night I had a patient that required visits every 2 hours. He was 30 minutes from my house, so it seemed pointless to drive back and forth. 30 minutes in the visit, 30 minutes home, that's only 30 min at home until I needed to drive back. Not gonna lie, I bitched. I spent the first few hours of my shift dreading & bitching. I wasn't going to get ANY sleep! Can't we break the visits up with someone else? What am I going to do between visits? Not much grace in that. Between 12:30 and 7:30am I spent all but about an hour with that family. I sat next to his bed, listening to him breathe, which was the only thing he was doing at this point, and watched a movie with his daughter. I gave his medicine every hour on the dot, then every 30 min. His 80 year old wife was finally asleep after 3 days of being at his bedside, and I sat there in the stillness waiting to know when to wake her so she could be there when he took his last breath. Fifty minutes after something nudged me and said it was time, she held her husband as he did just that with their children and his brother beside him. Sometimes, you can't help but to cry with them. It changes you. 

It never fails, when you are exactly where God wants you to be, you have everything you need. I wasn't tired, I wasn't anxious or trying to leave, and I wasn't even remotely bitter for having to be there. I wanted to be there. The families are always so very grateful. It's obvious that you have helped ease their pain in some way. I've always said I do my best work here, at the end of their life. Where the two worlds meet. Where someone in my care lingers between life and death and their loved ones are caught in the middle. It is here that nothing but grace flows through me and I simply serve. What an honor to be part of such an intimate moment in someone's journey.

To those moments when you know you are exactly where you are suppose to be and posses the willingness to be there. 

With Grace & Gratitude...

The Decision

    I'm so happy & relieved right now I can't stop smiling.  I finally made the decision to go home tomorrow. I'm going through with my plans to go to Huntsville to see my Dad and Katie, and then leaving from there and heading back to MI to an empty house. The mere thought of that allows a sense of peace to swell and take over my entire being. FINALLY, is the only thought that comes to mind.  Me time; time to regroup & reflect. To be with this transition stage of my life. Since roughly the 5th of August my life has been in GO mode. Between adjusting my life to make room for a new relationship, cramming in last minute conicals, preparing for graduation, and studying for Kaplan & Med Surg all while doing my best to maintain some sort of balance... I've yet to feel the excitement and relief of graduating because I've not stopped going. The family coming in added stress, then coming down sooner than I wanted too didn't help. What i wanted to do was take a couple days to re-group, do some yoga, work out, and get my NCLEX shit sent off, but instead I felt obligated to keep my word that I would come down on Sunday. I'm so ready to go home. I don't mind change, I welcome it although I have my fear moments, and have to consciously come back to myself & my body to center and reground myself.
     
    I spent the first few days crying, angry, and not accepting things as they were. I wanted to be home,  I wanted my mother to not  be in pain, and my brother to get more out of life; mixed with a thousand other things like not  sleeping with 3 tv's going, having starbucks less than an hour away, or not having a clue where my phone charger was blah, blah, blah.  Being around all the smoke and noise was reeking havoc on my energy level & serenity. I see so much pain, suffering, and addict/co-dependent tendencies here it terrifies me.  Where does the fear come from? What scares me about it? That I may get sucked back in. That these habits will only lead to more suffering for people I love so dearly and there is nothing I can do about it. I understand that. So why expose myself to something so painful? I described it as watching a baby die from  cancer. That's how I felt. Like I was helpless, powerless, & my presence was merely another energy source for anger and fear to bread. I didn't want to fuel this fire, and I wanted out. I kept saying, "I feel like I'm running from something" which usually prompts me to sit with it, feel it, stand strong and dig deep. What are these feelings trying to tell me? Then I was told that sometimes when we become aware we are not strong enough at that moment, in that situation it's okay to honor ourselves enough to walk away, not run, but walk. Walk with confidence & Love. This statment solidfied my thoughts I've been having over the last several months abotu discernment and how sometimes we ARE suppose to stand strong, sit with it, feel it, and intiate change... other times it's about surrender, acceptance, and letting go.

     I'm so grateful for the growth I have experienced because when these emotions hit like an MMA fighter punching me in the chest I sought refuge in my spirituality & nature. To say I did  not have thoughts of indulging in old/self sabotaging behaviors would be a lie, I had them, but they were fleeting. Knowing, when I was done I'd be right back here,but with more shit to sift through. Instead, I reached out for help from ppl I knew would only pour Love into this situation. Not fear, not blame, not anger. Just love and reassurance that it's okay, this isn't where I belong anymore, and this isn't who I am, and really it's okay. It's okay to feel sadness when suffering is present, it doesn't have to become you or consume you.  It's okay to be felt. There have been so many little tid bits of spirituality pop up at the most appropriate times, helping me to sink deeper into the acceptance of my desires, fears, and reality as it was. Gentle reminders that if I can't remain true to myself in choosing not to indulge in gossip or blame it's okay to walk away. It has been my practice to not relate to people in affirming pain, loss, scarcity, etc.  It has been my practice to relate to them in life affirming conversations about their strengths, choices, growth, deep life changing conversations of allowing what doesn't work to surface and move on. < This is the life I've chosen to live.

    I do feel there could be more acceptance on my part of the life they have chosen to live. Reaching for outward solutions to inward problems, becoming accustomed to struggle and sacrifice. Denial, excuses, rationalizing. It's so strong it makes me want to vomit. Like the very energy itself is toxic to who I am. Fight or flight kicks in without thought. Then somewhere, underneath it all, something reminds me to breathe.  That's it. It's that simple I breathe. Re-connect with who I am, and not with who I was or with their beliefs of fear, struggle, and scarcity. Beliefs that they never have enough of anything, everything is painful physically & mentally, and this is all there is. I know differently, but that's where the denial, excuses, and rationalizing come in. But this is the life they have chosen to live, who am I to ask for acceptance of my life if I cannot grant acceptance of theirs? So what does that mean? It means surrendering, letting go of expectations and desires despite how "good" I think they are for them. If they are totally unaware of thier own pain and suffering and truly believe they are happy, who am I to bring some shit to the surface ripping apart what happiness they DO have? Not everyone wants to live a life of self-discovery. Some are totally happy where they are, kudos to them. That within itself is a beautiful lesson for me.

     "We must learn to transcend our own views." < a statement I read this week from "If the buddha got stuck." I've spent the last few days stirring up that metaphorically bucket. That five gallon bucket of water with mudd caked on the bottom. While digging deep and cleaning out that mudd, the water is going to get a little dirty. It's going to temporarily cloud some things, and require some patience on my part for it to resettle. But when it does, there will be less muck, I will be more clear, and there will be more room for new.

Love & Light,
Dottie

Mother's Day: She Did The Best She Could

"Did you ever once in your life wake up and say, "I'm gonna fuck my kids life up as much as I possibly can today?" No? Well, neither did your parents."

"How do you know your life would be better with him in it?"

        Alhough I don't have children these lines forever changed the way I looked at my parents. Both of them brought me to instant tears, and I realized that they really did do the best they could, the best they knew how. In that moment, I was handed the key to forgiveness, a key to freedom from the bonds of anger I had clang to for litearlly, years.

        It's Mother's Day, and I relfect on my life. Someone told me this week "I wish I had that kind of relationship with my mother" and I was reminded how blessed I am. That doesn't mean that she's flawless, or that I don't get angry at her sometimes, or that I never blamed her or resented her at some point in my life. But wihout her being exactly who she is, I wouldn't be exactly who I am.  How often do we blame our mother's for our characteristcs we'd rather not have. It's because of my mother I can't have maintain a decent relationship, it's because of my mother I'm afraid to pursue this dream, my mother always told me I'd never amount to anything, (insert your personalized complaint here).... Trials offer us strength. At the very least maybe our mother showed us what NOT to do, who we didn't want to be. Heartache can be a gift. It teaches us faith, courage, survival. It forces us to learn forgiveness, patience, and understanding. Without loss how do we have room for gain? Without fight, why would we learn forgiveness? Without an understanding of the world around us, how are we ever to understand ourselves?

       There have been times of being angry at my mother for not being the mother I thought she should be, not doing the things I thought she should do. Did you know, mother's are humans too? They make mistakes. They never live up to our expectations and they too have felt pain, loss, anger, etc. You cannot give, what you don't have.  I believe every mother gives all they have. If they don't have much, it's not their fault. Maybe they weren't given much themselves. Find the gifts your mother gave to you. Maybe it was freedom. Let's face it, your mother could have aborted you, but no. If you're reading this, she chose to keep you. Maybe she didn't stay arond long, maybe she couldn't give you everything you wanted emotionally, physically, financially...whatever but she did give you life.

       My mother gave everything she had.  I watch her heart shatter every time I drive away to come back to Michigan not knowing when I'll see her again, with a vague thought that no day is ever gauranteed and that day, just might be the last time we see each other. But she has done it multiple times over the last 5 years because she loves me. She'd rather hurt than deny me the life I'm suppose to live. One of the greatest gifts my mother every gave me was letting me go. And yet when I was a teenager, I saw it as she just didn't care. I remember being angry because she acted like my friend, not my mother. But guess what? I learned independence & strength. I was never afraid to face the world alone. She taught me unconditional love, perserverance, that it's okay to forgive and good to do it quickly. It's okay to be angry, yell... get it out... let it go... then love. My mother can scream like a mad woman for 20 minutes, then turn right around and ask you what you want for dinner. lol... it used to drive me nuts. But really, who wants to be angry all day? Not me, my mother taught me that...among countles other things.

Momma,
I am so grateful for who you are, exactly as you are. If you were not you, I would not be me. I miss you everyday, and I cannot wait to see you in August. I love you so much and know I'm with you in spirit today. Thank you for loving me enough to let me go. <3 HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY<3

Love & Light
Dottie