The Decision

    I'm so happy & relieved right now I can't stop smiling.  I finally made the decision to go home tomorrow. I'm going through with my plans to go to Huntsville to see my Dad and Katie, and then leaving from there and heading back to MI to an empty house. The mere thought of that allows a sense of peace to swell and take over my entire being. FINALLY, is the only thought that comes to mind.  Me time; time to regroup & reflect. To be with this transition stage of my life. Since roughly the 5th of August my life has been in GO mode. Between adjusting my life to make room for a new relationship, cramming in last minute conicals, preparing for graduation, and studying for Kaplan & Med Surg all while doing my best to maintain some sort of balance... I've yet to feel the excitement and relief of graduating because I've not stopped going. The family coming in added stress, then coming down sooner than I wanted too didn't help. What i wanted to do was take a couple days to re-group, do some yoga, work out, and get my NCLEX shit sent off, but instead I felt obligated to keep my word that I would come down on Sunday. I'm so ready to go home. I don't mind change, I welcome it although I have my fear moments, and have to consciously come back to myself & my body to center and reground myself.
     
    I spent the first few days crying, angry, and not accepting things as they were. I wanted to be home,  I wanted my mother to not  be in pain, and my brother to get more out of life; mixed with a thousand other things like not  sleeping with 3 tv's going, having starbucks less than an hour away, or not having a clue where my phone charger was blah, blah, blah.  Being around all the smoke and noise was reeking havoc on my energy level & serenity. I see so much pain, suffering, and addict/co-dependent tendencies here it terrifies me.  Where does the fear come from? What scares me about it? That I may get sucked back in. That these habits will only lead to more suffering for people I love so dearly and there is nothing I can do about it. I understand that. So why expose myself to something so painful? I described it as watching a baby die from  cancer. That's how I felt. Like I was helpless, powerless, & my presence was merely another energy source for anger and fear to bread. I didn't want to fuel this fire, and I wanted out. I kept saying, "I feel like I'm running from something" which usually prompts me to sit with it, feel it, stand strong and dig deep. What are these feelings trying to tell me? Then I was told that sometimes when we become aware we are not strong enough at that moment, in that situation it's okay to honor ourselves enough to walk away, not run, but walk. Walk with confidence & Love. This statment solidfied my thoughts I've been having over the last several months abotu discernment and how sometimes we ARE suppose to stand strong, sit with it, feel it, and intiate change... other times it's about surrender, acceptance, and letting go.

     I'm so grateful for the growth I have experienced because when these emotions hit like an MMA fighter punching me in the chest I sought refuge in my spirituality & nature. To say I did  not have thoughts of indulging in old/self sabotaging behaviors would be a lie, I had them, but they were fleeting. Knowing, when I was done I'd be right back here,but with more shit to sift through. Instead, I reached out for help from ppl I knew would only pour Love into this situation. Not fear, not blame, not anger. Just love and reassurance that it's okay, this isn't where I belong anymore, and this isn't who I am, and really it's okay. It's okay to feel sadness when suffering is present, it doesn't have to become you or consume you.  It's okay to be felt. There have been so many little tid bits of spirituality pop up at the most appropriate times, helping me to sink deeper into the acceptance of my desires, fears, and reality as it was. Gentle reminders that if I can't remain true to myself in choosing not to indulge in gossip or blame it's okay to walk away. It has been my practice to not relate to people in affirming pain, loss, scarcity, etc.  It has been my practice to relate to them in life affirming conversations about their strengths, choices, growth, deep life changing conversations of allowing what doesn't work to surface and move on. < This is the life I've chosen to live.

    I do feel there could be more acceptance on my part of the life they have chosen to live. Reaching for outward solutions to inward problems, becoming accustomed to struggle and sacrifice. Denial, excuses, rationalizing. It's so strong it makes me want to vomit. Like the very energy itself is toxic to who I am. Fight or flight kicks in without thought. Then somewhere, underneath it all, something reminds me to breathe.  That's it. It's that simple I breathe. Re-connect with who I am, and not with who I was or with their beliefs of fear, struggle, and scarcity. Beliefs that they never have enough of anything, everything is painful physically & mentally, and this is all there is. I know differently, but that's where the denial, excuses, and rationalizing come in. But this is the life they have chosen to live, who am I to ask for acceptance of my life if I cannot grant acceptance of theirs? So what does that mean? It means surrendering, letting go of expectations and desires despite how "good" I think they are for them. If they are totally unaware of thier own pain and suffering and truly believe they are happy, who am I to bring some shit to the surface ripping apart what happiness they DO have? Not everyone wants to live a life of self-discovery. Some are totally happy where they are, kudos to them. That within itself is a beautiful lesson for me.

     "We must learn to transcend our own views." < a statement I read this week from "If the buddha got stuck." I've spent the last few days stirring up that metaphorically bucket. That five gallon bucket of water with mudd caked on the bottom. While digging deep and cleaning out that mudd, the water is going to get a little dirty. It's going to temporarily cloud some things, and require some patience on my part for it to resettle. But when it does, there will be less muck, I will be more clear, and there will be more room for new.

Love & Light,
Dottie