Beliefs (To Be Continued)

I feel like every molecule in my body has yearned to write for three days.

Where do I start? My thoughts/questions/explorations about the characteristic of selfishness and how that plays itself out in my life? Beliefs about who I am, and who I choose to be? The dreams I had last night with murky water and and old house literally crumbling before my eyes? Or how about the joy I felt yesterday with all the birthday wishes & love flowing my way? But what about the feelings of frustration at my belief I'm having trouble meditating? There's defiantly some anger rising to the surface (and has been for a couple days) ALTHOUGH, it could simply be, that I'm hormonal; I'm due to start next week. I often accidentally overlook simplicity. The selfish thing seems to be pushing itself to the surface. Let me get my coffee....

I've just spent the last 30 minutes emailing, facebooking, and distracting myself from here. Partially NOT wanting to explore this because I know I posses a belief that I am incredibly selfish and typing that alone brings tears to my eyes. Whether or not it is true is ENTIRELY irrelevant. The important thing is whether or not I believe it to be true, and I do...

After typing that line, I spent another 10 minutes in distraction. A handful of instances have slowly brought selfishness into my awareness. The icing on the cake was a couple days ago when I was asked, "Do you swear on my life you won't tell anyone?" My response was, "Yes, I swear on my life I won't tell anyone." - I didn't realize I had said *I* as opposed to YOURS... I stopped and thought holy fuck, deep down I really do think it's always about me isn't it? I woke up at 4am that night and laid awake for an hour, with a slew of reasons I believed myself to be selfish, I knew this needed to be explored. BUT APPARENTLY... today is not the day. I just got back from another 15 minute distraction adventure... smh

Love & Light
Dottie