I know there will come a time when I will want her back. A moment, or string of moments which will make me second guess her leaving, my motives, and my own truth. This relationship was wrong for me in so many ways, for both of us, I just wish I would've had the courage to tell her that before I cheated. This has kind of been my mantra the last couple days. Reviewing the course of a relationship is tricky. Perception is reality, and we look for we will find. Right now I'm looking at all the "bad" things. All the things that tore at my self-esteem, encouraged a loss of self, all the things that support the idea that "Yes, it was time for this relationship to end. We are both better off for it." But what about later? When I cross a threshold of a place in my life I had planned go to go with her? What about those nights when loneliness crawls into my bed? What will I look for then, in the analysis of my once relationship? I'll tell you what I will look for.... I will look for those times that she forgave me for being a little crazy, those times she kissed my face and told me how much she loved me. The surprises she gave, the yogurt she kept stocked in the fridge, and the beef jerky she'd bring me on a bad day. I will remember the football games, and the random dancing emoji's. I will see her nephews faces and feel her mothers arms around my neck telling me how much she loves me. I will smell fall and fresh cut grass. Then, I will remember when she took an hour out of her day to bring me scrubs and in return received a text message not meant for her. My heart will ache for forgiveness and for her sadness.. Tears will fall for being the executioner of the life of everything she always wanted, and I will want her back. I will want another chance to give her the life I promised her when she put that ring on my finger.
When those moments come, because they will, I will remind myself of these things.... I never felt I could be myself in this relationship. I struggled to find balance between my relationship and my passions. She didn't like my family, and I am ashamed I allowed her so much freedom in dictating how often and how long they could visit my home. There was always something missing. Some kind of block, added pressure, some kind of something that created tension. Like puzzle pieces that fit, but barely. You had to really push them down and no matter what, there was still that tiny section that just wouldn't touch. I will remind myself that she tried; we both tried. That in the end, it was the best it had ever been, We loved each other deeply, but still that voice inside of me said it was time to go. I will ask myself, even with her flaws, if she helps me become the best version of myself. I will ask myself, if I stand in the way of her path. Those are deal breaker questions.
So here I sit, in the aftermath of a three and a half year break-up allowing the healing process to happen. I sit in the house we bought together, in the town she grew up in, two hours from the place I've called home for the last decade. But that's okay, I love this house and I like to think there is a reason I am still here. This is real life. It's my life, and for the first time, I finally feel I can live it without consulting anyone first.
It's a freedom I have wanted for a long time and was way to afraid to admit it. But I'm here now, and if this relationship wasn't right for me; I can only imagine it wasn't right for her either. Otherwise, we still be in it together. It's about allowing what doesn't work anymore fall away. We fought the good fight. We will both be better for it.
"To know know when to bend and when to leap- when to bow out, and when to hurl our passions like buckets of paint across a stage."
With Grace & Gratitude...
