Relationships: Learning Through Self-Induced Humility

"You don't have time for dates..." - What my Uncle said to me when he asked where I had been, and I told him.

Now that I'm here, I don't want to write.  As if the truth were to delicate or would invoke too much humility.  Sometimes I just want to say on my pof profile Hi, I'm Dottie. I've never seen a healthy relationship in my life, let alone be IN one.  I've come a long way, but I'm still fairly immature. I get scared. I think second dates should be mandatory because the first one's are so awkward. What I want changes daily, sometimes hourly. Depending on my mood. It goes from wanting a committed relationship to friends with benefits. I remind myself of how the latter has never worked for me, I always get attached, maybe I should try the former. I want to put up a DISCLAIMER that reads: I get excited easily. I either really like you or really don't. I'll probably text or call you too much, and make myself too available. I'll be too honest too quick, and you won't be able to handle it. I'll probably come off as tough at first, too tough, and recoil the first time you try and touch me, even if it' just to hold my hand. But I try real hard to NOT do these things, which you'll probably pick up as me being quiet or boring, when really I'm quite the opposite. I feel like who I am is exactly the opposite of how I should act when dating someone, then I feel like a hippocrite. I'm indecisive and compulsive. I don't know what I want in a guy, but I could tell you what don't.

All signs point to the probability that a relationshipsis not in the cards for me right now, but I'm stubborn. (Guess I should probably go back and put that in the disclaimer)  I'm looking for someone to prove Billie and myself wrong. I'm crying right now, because I'm frustrated. Because I know the only option is surrender, but I can' do it, not today. Maybe tomorrow, all I can do today is pray for the willingness. The willingess to release this one last aspect of my life to a Divine Intelligence that rotates the moons and stars and turns a microscopic sperm & egg into a human being. Because history has proven that when I let something go, things fall together better than I could have ever imagined. Right now I feel as if I'm making a sand castle and the tide is coming in. I watch my progress dissappear almost to nothing, but frantically try to rebuild and build more. When the pain gets great enough, I'll let go. Right now, I'm stuck in I want, I want... and I'm causing myself some unneccesary grief.

The lesson here is this, I can't always get what I want, because sometimes what I want isn't what's best for me. It's about trust & patience.

Love & Light
Dottie

And the Lesson Here Is... (part 2)

"You can't always get what you want."

        Sounds cliche right? Well, those words came from a very intuitive woman whom I respect & trust tremendously as my teacher, mentor, and friend. And after reading part 1, the irony should just make you laugh. Considering my last paragraph was all about getting going after and getting what I want. I  had been asking God what it was I was suppose to be learning, so when without even being prompted Billie asked, "Do you want me to tell you what the lesson is?" I replied with an enthusiastic yes. "You can't always get what you want." I just sat back in my chair, folded, my arms and told her, "You know that's NOT what I want to hear right?" My mind was flooded with glimpses of various moments in time; me telling my boss, "You know I can't stand for things not to go my way." A line in a blog I had just wrote earlier in the day, "I realized this morning that I am a woman who goes and gets what she wants. I make things happen. I decide to do something and I do it" Me always asking myself, "What do I want? What do I really want?" The blog, Love is My Weakness. ... All these things and more flooded my head, and I knew what she had just said, was absolutely true.

      I am very used to always getting what I want, and when that doesn't happen, I'm dumbfounded. Like there must be a gliche somewhere. I obsess, analyze, and exhaust myself trying to figure out what went wrong, and usually blame myself.  The funny thing is, this just seems to happen with relationships. When I was denied admission to the first, second, and third nursing programs I applied too, there was a very brief disappointment, quickley followed by an "It's okay. Really. It just wasn't meant to be. God has something better planned" But for whatever reason, I have REAL difficulty embracing that when it comes to relationships.

     The truth is, right now I just want something to hold me over. Someone to kill some time with, go out and have fun with. I don't feel marriage or a significant ground breaking realtionship is around the corner. I don't want ot put forth tons of effort into any relationship right now because I know it's not going to be worth it, nor do I really have the extra time or energy! What I want, and what's best for me are sometimes not the same. But I find myself putting forth more than expected because I feel like I"m suppose to, because I get over excited, it's a rush. The addict in me starts jumping up and down, ready to go outside and play and then a moment of clarity. Fuck. I haven't studied, I need to do laundry, and now the high is subsiding. My psychiatrist once told me I was an endorphin junkie. It was never about any specific drug, drink, or action it was about that surge of chemicals released in my brain when I got super excited or physically hurt. I think there is a lot of truth to with that. I've managed to re-route this on many levels. Exercise induced pain & soreness; the excitement of  "a ha!" moments along my spiritual path, and the obsession to know myself more.

     Maybe it's simple, because it usually is. I know deep down, it's just not part of the plan right now. The answer is to just let it be, as it is. stop "trying", stop "doing", stop "analyzing, journaling, and thinking" lol. Yet, up until right now I was ttrying to pick up just a little bit to take with me. A child begging their parents at the supermarket for some candy. Like God is telling me not right now and I'm like, well how about this one? I don't have to have THAT one? Or just a little bit, or a piece? Can't I just take some with me just incase I need it later? :-/.... It really is hysterical. I literally just sit here and shake my head as I type. I want everything. I want my cake and to eat it too. I want to bust out A's in nursing school, work, lose weight, make money, and have a relationship.

Okay, I'm done. I get it. Now, let me go sit with this in meditation to fully embody this so I'm not sitting right here in 12 hours blogging about the same shit. :-) With more gratitude & Joy than I can even express right now I say this in all seriousness & genuine smile on my face... I love my life, my path, & myself. This is one amazing journey, it's like I can see the finish line to total liberation from addictive tendencies and I couldn't be more thrilled.
Love & Light
Dottie

And the Lesson Here Is... (part 1)

SCORE! The hospital allows access to blogspot.  I was told I could come down here and research.  Well with research comes reflection, and the school of life is always teaching me something, so here I am. Researching the truth of what is along with my inner most thoughts, desires, and fears. Reflecting. A graceful, humble request of growth. 

"Ohh grey area. Where are you? Would I even recognize you if I saw you? Not sure we've met, ever."

My facebook status.  I awoke this morning at 5am from by far one of the best sleeps I have had in a very long time. I laid there in the dark for a little while, basking in the stillness & comfort of a peaceful nights rest. Then I picked up my pen and journaled. When a day starts of with quiet reflection I can be fairly confident the rest of the day will follow suit. So often I find myself simply surrendering to my urge to write with little or no knowledge as to what I'm going to write about, and today, this is where it took me...

How often have we been told by friends, family, and "experts" what is best to do and act when pursuing or starting a relationship. "Let him chase you, men are natural hunters." "Stay feminine." "Don't sleep with him too soon." "Don't scare him away with these certain terms... x,y,z." "He should pay." My head has been jammed packed with shit from my father telling me as long as I could remember that, "Boys only want one thing," to last months issue of cosmo telling me about "20 secrets men keep" & "How to stay the center of attention."  O.o Sure, I've heard "Just have fun" & "Be yourself" but what if they conflict? A choice has to be made.

I needed to be completely an totally honest with myself. What did I want? How bad do I want it?

I realized this morning that I am a woman who goes and gets what she wants. I make things happen. I decide to do something and I do it. I wanted to be a nurse, I became a nurse. I wanted to get sober, I got sober. I wanted to loose weight, two years later... I'm 65lbs lighter. The more obstacles, the more I push. I find extreme joy and strength in overcoming hardships and weaknesses. Failure is a decision, failure only happens when decide to not try again. I don't like to fail. I've never failed at anything....

....and then I just stopped writing.

Learning Lessons & Ending Cycles

"Home...Thanks again for the fun night."

        I sit here in the semi-quiet, stomach a bit achy, contemplating my love life.  It's been in my awareness for a few days now since my date I had last Thursday, hence the quote. A voluntary "I got home and enjoyed your company" text message... followed up by... SILENCE. lol Yeah, nothing. I laugh right now because I'm so perplexed yet humored. Proud of myself though for not obsessing over when or if he was going to contact me (definitely making progress). By Monday I sent a short Hey, how's your day kinda thing....annddd.... silence along the radio waves.  lol So, that was it. I decided to cease contact. He had initiated daily contact over the week prior, so obviously the date allowed him to see I was not what he was looking for.  I wonder if it had anything to do with me kicking his ass all 3 times we raced or winning 2 of 3 times on air hockey? Maybe he's just a sore loser, and apparently I am too. However, this is not a date bashing session nor is it a pity party. It's a reflection. It has been so for the past 3 days and as always, I've learned a few things about myself, which never fails to fascinate me.

     I think one of the other biggest lies I've told myself for years has been, "I don't want a man" "I don't have time for a relationship right now" "I'm picky" (In response to why I'm single) "I don't want anyone tying me down.." The list goes on. A more accurate rendition of the truth of why I was single could have been that I had no idea how to maintain any kind of actual committed loving relationship; that I was a broken, shattered, terrified mess. I had more baggage than I and any other one person could carry.

     I never remember thinking boys had cooties. I can remember having a crush on this kid in K4 and wanting so badly to play with him on recess I kept asking him to play "Ninja turtles" and I was the girl, and I wanted some bad guy to trap me so he could save me.... he pretended to get me trapped and left me there. He went off to play with someone else, I felt like a fool. Stupid. I had annoyed the shit out of the kid so he said fine, we'll play ninja turtles, pretended to tie me up and ran away.... that was my first moment of being confused by the opposite sex. I didn't understand. I thought he wanted to play? He said he did, he started too. Then he just left me, and when and played with someone else. Why didn't he want to play with me? What do I do now? Do I pretend like I don't care? I don't want him to see me cry, my feelings are hurt. But what do I do? I remember letting my hands fall down to my side, and feeling stupid.

       This is the pattern I have noticed cycling in my life... me pursuing, them giving me just enough to shut me up.... and me ending up alone feeling stupid, foolish, confused, mislead, and angry. Them walking away without reason why, just done. My perception being that things were fine one day, then the next day... nothing. I have spent too much time in my day grasping at straws wondering what *I* had done. Why all of a sudden he won't talk to me. These days it's a bit calmer and way more introspective. It's not a fear fueled what's wrong with me, it's a love driven what am I suppose to be learning that I'm not? There is a difference.

    The real truth is simple. It may not be what I want, and sometimes I may not like it, but it's very simple. Everything is, just as it should be.  Every experience is an opportunity for growth and healing; a doorway to freedom by being a window into the past. By momentarily seeing and feeling that old wound in the stillness and quiet of my meditative state, I no longer have to re-live it in the reality of my life. When I have learned the lesson, the lesson goes away. I'm praying to be shown the truth, while having the willingness to accept it and the humility to learn it. I am a very blessed woman, and so grateful for progress made, because there's been progress for sure. I'm more comfortable with who I am, and more clear about what I want. I'm no longer a broken shattered mess; my baggage is more of a carry on these days, and I got it, thanks. ;)

"I am lovely, just the way that I am..." - Sara Haze

Love & Light
Dottie

Mother's Day: She Did The Best She Could

"Did you ever once in your life wake up and say, "I'm gonna fuck my kids life up as much as I possibly can today?" No? Well, neither did your parents."

"How do you know your life would be better with him in it?"

        Alhough I don't have children these lines forever changed the way I looked at my parents. Both of them brought me to instant tears, and I realized that they really did do the best they could, the best they knew how. In that moment, I was handed the key to forgiveness, a key to freedom from the bonds of anger I had clang to for litearlly, years.

        It's Mother's Day, and I relfect on my life. Someone told me this week "I wish I had that kind of relationship with my mother" and I was reminded how blessed I am. That doesn't mean that she's flawless, or that I don't get angry at her sometimes, or that I never blamed her or resented her at some point in my life. But wihout her being exactly who she is, I wouldn't be exactly who I am.  How often do we blame our mother's for our characteristcs we'd rather not have. It's because of my mother I can't have maintain a decent relationship, it's because of my mother I'm afraid to pursue this dream, my mother always told me I'd never amount to anything, (insert your personalized complaint here).... Trials offer us strength. At the very least maybe our mother showed us what NOT to do, who we didn't want to be. Heartache can be a gift. It teaches us faith, courage, survival. It forces us to learn forgiveness, patience, and understanding. Without loss how do we have room for gain? Without fight, why would we learn forgiveness? Without an understanding of the world around us, how are we ever to understand ourselves?

       There have been times of being angry at my mother for not being the mother I thought she should be, not doing the things I thought she should do. Did you know, mother's are humans too? They make mistakes. They never live up to our expectations and they too have felt pain, loss, anger, etc. You cannot give, what you don't have.  I believe every mother gives all they have. If they don't have much, it's not their fault. Maybe they weren't given much themselves. Find the gifts your mother gave to you. Maybe it was freedom. Let's face it, your mother could have aborted you, but no. If you're reading this, she chose to keep you. Maybe she didn't stay arond long, maybe she couldn't give you everything you wanted emotionally, physically, financially...whatever but she did give you life.

       My mother gave everything she had.  I watch her heart shatter every time I drive away to come back to Michigan not knowing when I'll see her again, with a vague thought that no day is ever gauranteed and that day, just might be the last time we see each other. But she has done it multiple times over the last 5 years because she loves me. She'd rather hurt than deny me the life I'm suppose to live. One of the greatest gifts my mother every gave me was letting me go. And yet when I was a teenager, I saw it as she just didn't care. I remember being angry because she acted like my friend, not my mother. But guess what? I learned independence & strength. I was never afraid to face the world alone. She taught me unconditional love, perserverance, that it's okay to forgive and good to do it quickly. It's okay to be angry, yell... get it out... let it go... then love. My mother can scream like a mad woman for 20 minutes, then turn right around and ask you what you want for dinner. lol... it used to drive me nuts. But really, who wants to be angry all day? Not me, my mother taught me that...among countles other things.

Momma,
I am so grateful for who you are, exactly as you are. If you were not you, I would not be me. I miss you everyday, and I cannot wait to see you in August. I love you so much and know I'm with you in spirit today. Thank you for loving me enough to let me go. <3 HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY<3

Love & Light
Dottie