Learning Lessons & Ending Cycles

"Home...Thanks again for the fun night."

        I sit here in the semi-quiet, stomach a bit achy, contemplating my love life.  It's been in my awareness for a few days now since my date I had last Thursday, hence the quote. A voluntary "I got home and enjoyed your company" text message... followed up by... SILENCE. lol Yeah, nothing. I laugh right now because I'm so perplexed yet humored. Proud of myself though for not obsessing over when or if he was going to contact me (definitely making progress). By Monday I sent a short Hey, how's your day kinda thing....annddd.... silence along the radio waves.  lol So, that was it. I decided to cease contact. He had initiated daily contact over the week prior, so obviously the date allowed him to see I was not what he was looking for.  I wonder if it had anything to do with me kicking his ass all 3 times we raced or winning 2 of 3 times on air hockey? Maybe he's just a sore loser, and apparently I am too. However, this is not a date bashing session nor is it a pity party. It's a reflection. It has been so for the past 3 days and as always, I've learned a few things about myself, which never fails to fascinate me.

     I think one of the other biggest lies I've told myself for years has been, "I don't want a man" "I don't have time for a relationship right now" "I'm picky" (In response to why I'm single) "I don't want anyone tying me down.." The list goes on. A more accurate rendition of the truth of why I was single could have been that I had no idea how to maintain any kind of actual committed loving relationship; that I was a broken, shattered, terrified mess. I had more baggage than I and any other one person could carry.

     I never remember thinking boys had cooties. I can remember having a crush on this kid in K4 and wanting so badly to play with him on recess I kept asking him to play "Ninja turtles" and I was the girl, and I wanted some bad guy to trap me so he could save me.... he pretended to get me trapped and left me there. He went off to play with someone else, I felt like a fool. Stupid. I had annoyed the shit out of the kid so he said fine, we'll play ninja turtles, pretended to tie me up and ran away.... that was my first moment of being confused by the opposite sex. I didn't understand. I thought he wanted to play? He said he did, he started too. Then he just left me, and when and played with someone else. Why didn't he want to play with me? What do I do now? Do I pretend like I don't care? I don't want him to see me cry, my feelings are hurt. But what do I do? I remember letting my hands fall down to my side, and feeling stupid.

       This is the pattern I have noticed cycling in my life... me pursuing, them giving me just enough to shut me up.... and me ending up alone feeling stupid, foolish, confused, mislead, and angry. Them walking away without reason why, just done. My perception being that things were fine one day, then the next day... nothing. I have spent too much time in my day grasping at straws wondering what *I* had done. Why all of a sudden he won't talk to me. These days it's a bit calmer and way more introspective. It's not a fear fueled what's wrong with me, it's a love driven what am I suppose to be learning that I'm not? There is a difference.

    The real truth is simple. It may not be what I want, and sometimes I may not like it, but it's very simple. Everything is, just as it should be.  Every experience is an opportunity for growth and healing; a doorway to freedom by being a window into the past. By momentarily seeing and feeling that old wound in the stillness and quiet of my meditative state, I no longer have to re-live it in the reality of my life. When I have learned the lesson, the lesson goes away. I'm praying to be shown the truth, while having the willingness to accept it and the humility to learn it. I am a very blessed woman, and so grateful for progress made, because there's been progress for sure. I'm more comfortable with who I am, and more clear about what I want. I'm no longer a broken shattered mess; my baggage is more of a carry on these days, and I got it, thanks. ;)

"I am lovely, just the way that I am..." - Sara Haze

Love & Light
Dottie