Relationships: Learning Through Self-Induced Humility

"You don't have time for dates..." - What my Uncle said to me when he asked where I had been, and I told him.

Now that I'm here, I don't want to write.  As if the truth were to delicate or would invoke too much humility.  Sometimes I just want to say on my pof profile Hi, I'm Dottie. I've never seen a healthy relationship in my life, let alone be IN one.  I've come a long way, but I'm still fairly immature. I get scared. I think second dates should be mandatory because the first one's are so awkward. What I want changes daily, sometimes hourly. Depending on my mood. It goes from wanting a committed relationship to friends with benefits. I remind myself of how the latter has never worked for me, I always get attached, maybe I should try the former. I want to put up a DISCLAIMER that reads: I get excited easily. I either really like you or really don't. I'll probably text or call you too much, and make myself too available. I'll be too honest too quick, and you won't be able to handle it. I'll probably come off as tough at first, too tough, and recoil the first time you try and touch me, even if it' just to hold my hand. But I try real hard to NOT do these things, which you'll probably pick up as me being quiet or boring, when really I'm quite the opposite. I feel like who I am is exactly the opposite of how I should act when dating someone, then I feel like a hippocrite. I'm indecisive and compulsive. I don't know what I want in a guy, but I could tell you what don't.

All signs point to the probability that a relationshipsis not in the cards for me right now, but I'm stubborn. (Guess I should probably go back and put that in the disclaimer)  I'm looking for someone to prove Billie and myself wrong. I'm crying right now, because I'm frustrated. Because I know the only option is surrender, but I can' do it, not today. Maybe tomorrow, all I can do today is pray for the willingness. The willingess to release this one last aspect of my life to a Divine Intelligence that rotates the moons and stars and turns a microscopic sperm & egg into a human being. Because history has proven that when I let something go, things fall together better than I could have ever imagined. Right now I feel as if I'm making a sand castle and the tide is coming in. I watch my progress dissappear almost to nothing, but frantically try to rebuild and build more. When the pain gets great enough, I'll let go. Right now, I'm stuck in I want, I want... and I'm causing myself some unneccesary grief.

The lesson here is this, I can't always get what I want, because sometimes what I want isn't what's best for me. It's about trust & patience.

Love & Light
Dottie