"You can't always get what you want."
Sounds cliche right? Well, those words came from a very intuitive woman whom I respect & trust tremendously as my teacher, mentor, and friend. And after reading part 1, the irony should just make you laugh. Considering my last paragraph was all about getting going after and getting what I want. I had been asking God what it was I was suppose to be learning, so when without even being prompted Billie asked, "Do you want me to tell you what the lesson is?" I replied with an enthusiastic yes. "You can't always get what you want." I just sat back in my chair, folded, my arms and told her, "You know that's NOT what I want to hear right?" My mind was flooded with glimpses of various moments in time; me telling my boss, "You know I can't stand for things not to go my way." A line in a blog I had just wrote earlier in the day, "I realized this morning that I am a woman who goes and gets what she wants. I make things happen. I decide to do something and I do it" Me always asking myself, "What do I want? What do I really want?" The blog, Love is My Weakness. ... All these things and more flooded my head, and I knew what she had just said, was absolutely true.
I am very used to always getting what I want, and when that doesn't happen, I'm dumbfounded. Like there must be a gliche somewhere. I obsess, analyze, and exhaust myself trying to figure out what went wrong, and usually blame myself. The funny thing is, this just seems to happen with relationships. When I was denied admission to the first, second, and third nursing programs I applied too, there was a very brief disappointment, quickley followed by an "It's okay. Really. It just wasn't meant to be. God has something better planned" But for whatever reason, I have REAL difficulty embracing that when it comes to relationships.
The truth is, right now I just want something to hold me over. Someone to kill some time with, go out and have fun with. I don't feel marriage or a significant ground breaking realtionship is around the corner. I don't want ot put forth tons of effort into any relationship right now because I know it's not going to be worth it, nor do I really have the extra time or energy! What I want, and what's best for me are sometimes not the same. But I find myself putting forth more than expected because I feel like I"m suppose to, because I get over excited, it's a rush. The addict in me starts jumping up and down, ready to go outside and play and then a moment of clarity. Fuck. I haven't studied, I need to do laundry, and now the high is subsiding. My psychiatrist once told me I was an endorphin junkie. It was never about any specific drug, drink, or action it was about that surge of chemicals released in my brain when I got super excited or physically hurt. I think there is a lot of truth to with that. I've managed to re-route this on many levels. Exercise induced pain & soreness; the excitement of "a ha!" moments along my spiritual path, and the obsession to know myself more.
Maybe it's simple, because it usually is. I know deep down, it's just not part of the plan right now. The answer is to just let it be, as it is. stop "trying", stop "doing", stop "analyzing, journaling, and thinking" lol. Yet, up until right now I was ttrying to pick up just a little bit to take with me. A child begging their parents at the supermarket for some candy. Like God is telling me not right now and I'm like, well how about this one? I don't have to have THAT one? Or just a little bit, or a piece? Can't I just take some with me just incase I need it later? :-/.... It really is hysterical. I literally just sit here and shake my head as I type. I want everything. I want my cake and to eat it too. I want to bust out A's in nursing school, work, lose weight, make money, and have a relationship.
Okay, I'm done. I get it. Now, let me go sit with this in meditation to fully embody this so I'm not sitting right here in 12 hours blogging about the same shit. :-) With more gratitude & Joy than I can even express right now I say this in all seriousness & genuine smile on my face... I love my life, my path, & myself. This is one amazing journey, it's like I can see the finish line to total liberation from addictive tendencies and I couldn't be more thrilled.
Love & Light
Dottie
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