And the Lesson Here Is... (part 1)

SCORE! The hospital allows access to blogspot.  I was told I could come down here and research.  Well with research comes reflection, and the school of life is always teaching me something, so here I am. Researching the truth of what is along with my inner most thoughts, desires, and fears. Reflecting. A graceful, humble request of growth. 

"Ohh grey area. Where are you? Would I even recognize you if I saw you? Not sure we've met, ever."

My facebook status.  I awoke this morning at 5am from by far one of the best sleeps I have had in a very long time. I laid there in the dark for a little while, basking in the stillness & comfort of a peaceful nights rest. Then I picked up my pen and journaled. When a day starts of with quiet reflection I can be fairly confident the rest of the day will follow suit. So often I find myself simply surrendering to my urge to write with little or no knowledge as to what I'm going to write about, and today, this is where it took me...

How often have we been told by friends, family, and "experts" what is best to do and act when pursuing or starting a relationship. "Let him chase you, men are natural hunters." "Stay feminine." "Don't sleep with him too soon." "Don't scare him away with these certain terms... x,y,z." "He should pay." My head has been jammed packed with shit from my father telling me as long as I could remember that, "Boys only want one thing," to last months issue of cosmo telling me about "20 secrets men keep" & "How to stay the center of attention."  O.o Sure, I've heard "Just have fun" & "Be yourself" but what if they conflict? A choice has to be made.

I needed to be completely an totally honest with myself. What did I want? How bad do I want it?

I realized this morning that I am a woman who goes and gets what she wants. I make things happen. I decide to do something and I do it. I wanted to be a nurse, I became a nurse. I wanted to get sober, I got sober. I wanted to loose weight, two years later... I'm 65lbs lighter. The more obstacles, the more I push. I find extreme joy and strength in overcoming hardships and weaknesses. Failure is a decision, failure only happens when decide to not try again. I don't like to fail. I've never failed at anything....

....and then I just stopped writing.