"Did you ever once in your life wake up and say, "I'm gonna fuck my kids life up as much as I possibly can today?" No? Well, neither did your parents."
"How do you know your life would be better with him in it?"
Alhough I don't have children these lines forever changed the way I looked at my parents. Both of them brought me to instant tears, and I realized that they really did do the best they could, the best they knew how. In that moment, I was handed the key to forgiveness, a key to freedom from the bonds of anger I had clang to for litearlly, years.
It's Mother's Day, and I relfect on my life. Someone told me this week "I wish I had that kind of relationship with my mother" and I was reminded how blessed I am. That doesn't mean that she's flawless, or that I don't get angry at her sometimes, or that I never blamed her or resented her at some point in my life. But wihout her being exactly who she is, I wouldn't be exactly who I am. How often do we blame our mother's for our characteristcs we'd rather not have. It's because of my mother I can't have maintain a decent relationship, it's because of my mother I'm afraid to pursue this dream, my mother always told me I'd never amount to anything, (insert your personalized complaint here).... Trials offer us strength. At the very least maybe our mother showed us what NOT to do, who we didn't want to be. Heartache can be a gift. It teaches us faith, courage, survival. It forces us to learn forgiveness, patience, and understanding. Without loss how do we have room for gain? Without fight, why would we learn forgiveness? Without an understanding of the world around us, how are we ever to understand ourselves?
There have been times of being angry at my mother for not being the mother I thought she should be, not doing the things I thought she should do. Did you know, mother's are humans too? They make mistakes. They never live up to our expectations and they too have felt pain, loss, anger, etc. You cannot give, what you don't have. I believe every mother gives all they have. If they don't have much, it's not their fault. Maybe they weren't given much themselves. Find the gifts your mother gave to you. Maybe it was freedom. Let's face it, your mother could have aborted you, but no. If you're reading this, she chose to keep you. Maybe she didn't stay arond long, maybe she couldn't give you everything you wanted emotionally, physically, financially...whatever but she did give you life.
My mother gave everything she had. I watch her heart shatter every time I drive away to come back to Michigan not knowing when I'll see her again, with a vague thought that no day is ever gauranteed and that day, just might be the last time we see each other. But she has done it multiple times over the last 5 years because she loves me. She'd rather hurt than deny me the life I'm suppose to live. One of the greatest gifts my mother every gave me was letting me go. And yet when I was a teenager, I saw it as she just didn't care. I remember being angry because she acted like my friend, not my mother. But guess what? I learned independence & strength. I was never afraid to face the world alone. She taught me unconditional love, perserverance, that it's okay to forgive and good to do it quickly. It's okay to be angry, yell... get it out... let it go... then love. My mother can scream like a mad woman for 20 minutes, then turn right around and ask you what you want for dinner. lol... it used to drive me nuts. But really, who wants to be angry all day? Not me, my mother taught me that...among countles other things.
Momma,
I am so grateful for who you are, exactly as you are. If you were not you, I would not be me. I miss you everyday, and I cannot wait to see you in August. I love you so much and know I'm with you in spirit today. Thank you for loving me enough to let me go. <3 HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY<3
Love & Light
Dottie
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