Vengence

"Take what the universe gives you <3"

I am being rebellious. I can feel it. Like a child's last attempt at fighting the inevitable. I sit here now I've meditated reluctantly the last couple days. Compromising with the universe.... such as... I'm only gonna sit here and take 5 deep breaths then I'm done. I've not wanted to meditate for the last couple weeks. However, my intention has been to listen. Astrologically, today is an optimal day specifically midnight) I think, to finally release the things which we've been struggling to let go of. To write down your wishes. I "stumbled" across that a few days ago... it's been plaguing my mind ever since. I know it my gut, it's something I need to do. So what is it? My vengeful tendencies including but not limited too saying/doing things with the intentions of it causing jealousy/anger to "fuck with someone." Wanting to post fb status or say things to elude to the fact that I'm seeing someone else now. Seems I want to do that on a daily basis. But here's the thing. What I give, I keep. What I wish for someone else, I wish for myself. :-/ And I wonder why jealousy is such an issue for me? And here's the other thing. Under the anger and the hurt, there is Love. I love her. Deep down, we don't want to hurt those we love, that's why the high of vengeance is so fleeting. Then we seem to be plagued by some vague sense of feeling "bad." That's not the person I choose to be. Love is what will heal the world. The work put forth in fostering more trust & patience in my life are evident, but still a working progress. Thank God for that.

So, where is my focus? Remaining centered, calm, collected. Grateful & peaceful. Letting the universe do it's thing and remaining open to guided action. It's about practice. By taking what the universe gives me, I am allowing It to teach me the things I most need to learn & experience.

Right now... It's giving me.....a very long silence as the song begins to sing "But I want want want to be in love for real"...  *sighs, it's giving me something that doesn't need to be analyzed right here, right now.

With Grace & Gratitude...

And I said I Wasn't Going to Listen...

"What makes it so FUCKING hard to be in a relationship with me?" 


I was watching the L word. After watching yet another relationship slip through her fingers Bette asked Tina this question. I knew so strongly that I needed to hear this answer because I had heard myself ask that very same questions several times... I literally sat up, scooted to the edge of the couch and took a breathe... this was Tina's response:

"You're a control freak. You think your things are more important than everyone else's which makes things really, really hard in a relationship. Your work. Your needs. Your ideas. Are always right, always on a higher plane. You're more enlightened. You're more informed. You're more intuitive."


My fucking jaw dropped. Yup, that definitely sounds like that could fit me. This hit me hard... not to mention I had also just admitted to myself before sitting down to watch that I was refusing to listen to what the universe was gracefully trying to tell me. "You are seeking to find what you want to hear, you're not listening" ... what I heard on my walk about an hour before. I got back. I wanted to eat, but I also knew deep down, my want to eat was an urge to quiet what I didn't want to hear. So I admitted to myself, to God, & to whatever other beings of Light might have been listening that I was WELL AWARE I wasn't listening & really didn't have the desire to do so. However, as I was saying this I found myself sitting on a pillow in my floor. Funny how that happens. Somewhere inside of me, apparently, there was enough willingness (although I didn't see it) to have me sitting in that floor meditation style. I took maybe five deep breaths, but that was all the universe was getting out of me. I got up, got my food, and sat my happy ass in front of the L word. And since I wasn't going to be quiet enough to listen, the universe decided to answer a little more loudly and make it a little more unmistakeable. Hence, the question above.


I decided a couple months ago I was absolutely willing to truly know why relationships seem to be so difficult for me. I always want more. Never want what I have. Nothing is never enough. I equate healthy with boring & hard with worth it, always. I loose myself, collapse within the rush, the feelings, the chemistry. The sheer delight of embarking upon something new. It's exciting. I panic when I realize I'm in too deep & retreat. The need to be in control is so ingrained I'm not even conscious I'm doing it half the time. The other half the time I'm desperately trying to fight it because I don't want to be that person, I don't want to be a control freak. I fight to resist my urge to be in control, because I view it as an unacceptable aspect of my personality. And if you know anything about the shadow effect... THOSE parts of us are what runs & ruins our lives and sabotages our relationships. Not to mention, what you resist, persists. Attempting to focus my thoughts on being at ease with life, putting my energies there. My heart is pounding right now.

I was asked the other day why I hadn't  been in a relationship for longer than a year. She said, "I only ask for the flaws because its like... ok smart, beautiful, wonderful mind, seems like a good happy personality,  likes a lot of the common interests... so whats the catch lol.... mine has always been my work ethic and motivation to my job and learning." I don't remember what my response was... but it sure the hell wasn't this. God bless us, maybe it should have been, lol.


So, what now? Thank the universe for coming across so clearly. Ask for the steps to take so this can be an accepted and positive part of my personality, and the willingness to take those steps as they are shown to me. Either it will be integrated in a more positive fashion, or leave entirely... baby steps...

With Grace, Gratitude, & some humor...

ANGER

Four years of a serious commitment & willingness to do whatever it takes to be whole again. I've found that anger, more anger than I can even fathom still resides underneath it all. Even after the sobriety, the fourth steps, the weight loss, the quitting smoking, there is still anger.  An anger that makes me scream at the top of my lungs at my cat to shut up. An anger that makes me lock myself in room from fear, fear of what I will say or do because of it. An anger of which I am so ashamed of I've looked at my most trusted, intuitive mentors & guides and told them they are wrong, there is no anger.

What emotions do I deem unacceptable?
A question which I wrote on a tattered piece of envelope sitting on my kitchen table. Anger, was the first, second was self pity. I've yet to seriously sit down with that question long enough to ask myself this question and and wait for the long answer. I could go on for paragraphs about how I came to this moment, the questions I asked, the signs that brought me here, but I may just use that as an excuse so when I get down to it, I can stop just before the miracle happens and say I've had enough. So, where's the anger coming from?

This is what I thought of as I laid in bed, SOMETIMES... I am angry at life and SOMETIMES I just need to sit on my pity-pot and vent for a minute... My life has been really fucking hard. I didn't ask for this shit. I'm angry because deep down, that child inside of me feels like it wasn't fair. I didn't ask for my father to be so broken that even in his best attempts he shattered me too. I didn't ask to have  a sexual history that started at 5 years old, that even at 26 just might still be part of the reason I've yet to hold a healthy, committed relationship. Watching the fall of my parents relationship fucked me up. My part played in the divorce and me blaming myself for taking my brother & myself away from my father caused so much guilt & shame I was forced to create coping mechanisms. And guess what? Those coping mechanisms landed me in a rehab center 8 years later. I had found that the smoking, the booze, the food, the cutting, the sex, the weight... NONE of it worked anymore. So, this self I'm suppose to trust & love apparently lied, I wasn't okay. I wasn't happy, and I didn't love life. Otherwise, I wouldn't had been occupying a bed at Brighton Hospital.  Again, hitting the high points, only to peel back the onion to go a little deeper...

THIS is what life has given me, THIS is what life has done to me, and you want me to trust life?! You want me to be okay when life takes something from me? You have ANY FUCKING IDEA how much fear creates? WHAT AM I GONNA DO? And I ask that question in respect to what am I gonna do to myself? To the people most closely involved? Am I going to regress? Am I going to hurt myself? Am I going to hurt others? What if my manipulation tendencies kick in and I don't see them? What if I do more damage. I just want to be whole. I just want to be okay. Is that too much to ask? I have diligently and methodically peeled away at layers upon layers upon layers of shit that LIFE has wrapped me up in. And NOW, I'm being told to trust life? If it is taken away, let it go?! FUCK YOU.

I'm angry at life, I'm scared of myself... and sometimes I feel the parts that did come easy, are often written off by others... "Well your really smart", "You have your Uncle", "You're nurse." "You're just a determined person."

It's exhausting. Does it end? Does the pain stop? Does the anger go away? Or is it like a temporary thing? Will I always find some dirt on myself, face it, let it go... only to find something else, to do it all over again? Or is it like one of those bottomless food bowls where the soup automatically keeps filling up? I can't remember the last time I felt this lost & alone, this depressed, this angry. I can't remember the last time I wanted to drink as bad as I did last night and this morning. I can't remember the last time that everything I felt my internal world come crumbling down around me, questioning everything I ever believed. I'm so fucking tired. For the most part I really believe the bullshit I've been through can be used to help someone else, but tonight I'm tired. Tired of fighting Life, but there's so much anger. I can't help but want to punch life in the face sometimes...

Seeing The Humor

Collect yourself, see the humor, and keep your faith strong. Be patient. Be kind. Wait on the will of Heaven. Avoid addictive behaviors. 

The same messages I've been getting in various ways very strongly over the last few days. And guess what I've done? Been a neurotic mess, cried, questioned God. Pissed on patience, been a selfish asshole. Refused to wait on shit, and eaten 3/4 a box of chocolate chip cookies and watched the L word. So here I am at 3:31am. For the first time in days, I feel a sense of peace, and I finally see the humor. 

"I was born to laugh, I learned to laugh through my tears."

The song I've had on repeat since yesterday. When I do choose to watch TV I find it's often exactly what I needed to see, to show me something. The last episode of the L word was like me watching myself. Crying. Begging the women she was in love with to start over. Giving a list of reasons including, but not limited too "The sex was earth shattering, the connection was instantaneous." I watched this woman voice a willingness to give up her husband, because she had experienced her first relationship with a women, and was so in love she couldn't contain it. I literally laughed out-loud when another character told the other woman,  "You have to break up with her." "I did" she responded. "Well you have to re-break up with her, some lesbians you have to break up with twice." .... it was then, I began to see the humor. Then, they all shared there "coming out affairs" and how in love they all were, how they were planning their lives, and thought it would never end. How it took them ridiculous amounts of time to pull themselves together because they thought they had really found it, the love of their life.... I stopped eating the cookies. I didn't feel so alone. I smiled.

She will always be my coming out story. My coming out affair. She was my first of many things. I chose her & she took my hand. As if she knew I had been wondering my entire life what it would be like, and she said let me show you. But I've been here before, this sense of peace that everything is just as it should be. Nothing but gratitude for what has been, what is, & what will be. I pray this nestles so deeply in my soul, that I can embody it. It's not so much the letting go that's hard, it's the not picking it back up again. My intense want to start over, to try it again, is preventing us from being really great friends. All of a sudden I don't want to write anymore. It's over. She truly believes it has served it's purpose. I on the other hand, am having a real hard time believing that. I've been fighting it. It's within this fight that my happiness has been disturbed. I thought alot about acceptance today. "Life on life's terms" It's been a while since I've thought about that saying. If life takes it away from you, let it go. Trust life. That can be really hard for me at times. Right now, I'm grateful. I'm humored. Maybe now I can sleep...

With Grace & Gratitude

Ready & Willing

      The last year of blogs regarding relationships have been the same thing, same thing over & over, and the same thing I'm dealing with right now.  I am ready & willing now. The pain has become great enough. I think of her everyday. True or not, I blame myself for the end of our relationship. I yearn to touch your face with the palm of my hand, touch your forehead to mine. To close my eyes & tell you how much love you and how much I've missed you, and gently kiss your lips. Here are the tears, 2 months later. "I don't deal with regret & jealousy well" "There is remorse, fatigue, and compassion in my heart." "Patience is powerful." "I've spent the last 12 years making repeated mistakes, trying to hard, clinging, pushing away, crying, humiliating myself." ---- re-reading those words scattered within old blogs just makes me shake my head, especially when some were from almost a year ago. The answers where always there, just as they have been countless times before. I felt I was in this same place last year around this same time! Only then, I wasn't ready. I team-built, I felt sorry for myself. I ran back to the tired and true, to just lay there and hold me. I went online dating to distract myself from what I was feeling. After all, it was his doing, not mine. He decided to bail. (Please not the sarcasm) I was asking all the wrong questions. I just wanted the pain to GO AWAY, I didn't want to explore shit. I couldn't. I couldn't deal with it, it was too much for me. I'm so ready now. I'm going to see my hypnotherapist on Monday, my gut tells me to NOT do anything ridiculous before I get there. To not stubbornly insist upon my will. To be patient, kind, understanding. To surrender to this process of growth & healing of all concerned. There has always been so much mystery surrounding our relationships, so much unknown. As if, the potential untouchable greatness of what can be, can only be tasted when both of us are entirely ready. When both of us make the decision to feel our old pain, and prepare our hearts for what's available between us. As if free will is playing a huge part. Like we decided before we got here we would tackle this in this lifetime, and now we aren't so sure. Now that our humanness allows us to fully feel such deep, soul engulfing pain our willingness is stifled by fears.

I'm ready to know how I sabotage my relationships, forgive myself, and open my heart to new healthy beginnings. What am I doing to create these same types of relationships? What do I need to release to attract more healthy relationships? I am ready to see how and why, and let it go. I breathe in patience, I breathe in trust... Thank you for my willingness. Thank you my clarity. Thank you.

Dear God,
I'm ready now. I'm willing now. Please show me how I block love in my life. I am ready to see what my relationship history is trying to show me about myself. Help me to be free so I can fully enjoy deep, loving, healthy relationships. May the relationships I partake in contribute to the highest good of all. Thank you.


With Grace & Gratitude...

Somewhere, Someone Is...

      As I was standing in my kitchen my mind began to wonder, feeling myself very connected to humanity at large. We so often find ourselves in our own heads, in our own little world. I thought of a friend who had given birth to twin boys today, and how much her life would be forever different. Then I thought of everyone else, and how today may have impacted their life. I woke up today with the attitude of I have NO idea what today will bring, this thought excites me. I love surprises. I'm finding the fun in not knowing, not needing to know. Today wasn't anything grand for me, a good day, but nothing I felt which compared to having two brand new babies. I stood there in my kitchen and expanded upon that thought. Today someone received some news that will change the way they view their life forever. Someone got proposed to today, someone found out they were pregnant, someone lost a loved one, someone lost their own life. Someone did something they felt was the biggest mistake of their life. Someone was finding themselves lost, & another was find themselves in a moment of clarity, connection.  Someone was being locked up, and another was walking free. Someone, somewhere, would give anything to not be where they are, & someone else is desperately trying to savor every fleeting moment of where they are. At that very moment, every emotion & every scenario imaginable was being expressed on earth, somewhere. It was beautiful, it was humbling. My heart swelled, and my head bowed.

With Grace & Gratitude...