ANGER

Four years of a serious commitment & willingness to do whatever it takes to be whole again. I've found that anger, more anger than I can even fathom still resides underneath it all. Even after the sobriety, the fourth steps, the weight loss, the quitting smoking, there is still anger.  An anger that makes me scream at the top of my lungs at my cat to shut up. An anger that makes me lock myself in room from fear, fear of what I will say or do because of it. An anger of which I am so ashamed of I've looked at my most trusted, intuitive mentors & guides and told them they are wrong, there is no anger.

What emotions do I deem unacceptable?
A question which I wrote on a tattered piece of envelope sitting on my kitchen table. Anger, was the first, second was self pity. I've yet to seriously sit down with that question long enough to ask myself this question and and wait for the long answer. I could go on for paragraphs about how I came to this moment, the questions I asked, the signs that brought me here, but I may just use that as an excuse so when I get down to it, I can stop just before the miracle happens and say I've had enough. So, where's the anger coming from?

This is what I thought of as I laid in bed, SOMETIMES... I am angry at life and SOMETIMES I just need to sit on my pity-pot and vent for a minute... My life has been really fucking hard. I didn't ask for this shit. I'm angry because deep down, that child inside of me feels like it wasn't fair. I didn't ask for my father to be so broken that even in his best attempts he shattered me too. I didn't ask to have  a sexual history that started at 5 years old, that even at 26 just might still be part of the reason I've yet to hold a healthy, committed relationship. Watching the fall of my parents relationship fucked me up. My part played in the divorce and me blaming myself for taking my brother & myself away from my father caused so much guilt & shame I was forced to create coping mechanisms. And guess what? Those coping mechanisms landed me in a rehab center 8 years later. I had found that the smoking, the booze, the food, the cutting, the sex, the weight... NONE of it worked anymore. So, this self I'm suppose to trust & love apparently lied, I wasn't okay. I wasn't happy, and I didn't love life. Otherwise, I wouldn't had been occupying a bed at Brighton Hospital.  Again, hitting the high points, only to peel back the onion to go a little deeper...

THIS is what life has given me, THIS is what life has done to me, and you want me to trust life?! You want me to be okay when life takes something from me? You have ANY FUCKING IDEA how much fear creates? WHAT AM I GONNA DO? And I ask that question in respect to what am I gonna do to myself? To the people most closely involved? Am I going to regress? Am I going to hurt myself? Am I going to hurt others? What if my manipulation tendencies kick in and I don't see them? What if I do more damage. I just want to be whole. I just want to be okay. Is that too much to ask? I have diligently and methodically peeled away at layers upon layers upon layers of shit that LIFE has wrapped me up in. And NOW, I'm being told to trust life? If it is taken away, let it go?! FUCK YOU.

I'm angry at life, I'm scared of myself... and sometimes I feel the parts that did come easy, are often written off by others... "Well your really smart", "You have your Uncle", "You're nurse." "You're just a determined person."

It's exhausting. Does it end? Does the pain stop? Does the anger go away? Or is it like a temporary thing? Will I always find some dirt on myself, face it, let it go... only to find something else, to do it all over again? Or is it like one of those bottomless food bowls where the soup automatically keeps filling up? I can't remember the last time I felt this lost & alone, this depressed, this angry. I can't remember the last time I wanted to drink as bad as I did last night and this morning. I can't remember the last time that everything I felt my internal world come crumbling down around me, questioning everything I ever believed. I'm so fucking tired. For the most part I really believe the bullshit I've been through can be used to help someone else, but tonight I'm tired. Tired of fighting Life, but there's so much anger. I can't help but want to punch life in the face sometimes...