Ready & Willing

      The last year of blogs regarding relationships have been the same thing, same thing over & over, and the same thing I'm dealing with right now.  I am ready & willing now. The pain has become great enough. I think of her everyday. True or not, I blame myself for the end of our relationship. I yearn to touch your face with the palm of my hand, touch your forehead to mine. To close my eyes & tell you how much love you and how much I've missed you, and gently kiss your lips. Here are the tears, 2 months later. "I don't deal with regret & jealousy well" "There is remorse, fatigue, and compassion in my heart." "Patience is powerful." "I've spent the last 12 years making repeated mistakes, trying to hard, clinging, pushing away, crying, humiliating myself." ---- re-reading those words scattered within old blogs just makes me shake my head, especially when some were from almost a year ago. The answers where always there, just as they have been countless times before. I felt I was in this same place last year around this same time! Only then, I wasn't ready. I team-built, I felt sorry for myself. I ran back to the tired and true, to just lay there and hold me. I went online dating to distract myself from what I was feeling. After all, it was his doing, not mine. He decided to bail. (Please not the sarcasm) I was asking all the wrong questions. I just wanted the pain to GO AWAY, I didn't want to explore shit. I couldn't. I couldn't deal with it, it was too much for me. I'm so ready now. I'm going to see my hypnotherapist on Monday, my gut tells me to NOT do anything ridiculous before I get there. To not stubbornly insist upon my will. To be patient, kind, understanding. To surrender to this process of growth & healing of all concerned. There has always been so much mystery surrounding our relationships, so much unknown. As if, the potential untouchable greatness of what can be, can only be tasted when both of us are entirely ready. When both of us make the decision to feel our old pain, and prepare our hearts for what's available between us. As if free will is playing a huge part. Like we decided before we got here we would tackle this in this lifetime, and now we aren't so sure. Now that our humanness allows us to fully feel such deep, soul engulfing pain our willingness is stifled by fears.

I'm ready to know how I sabotage my relationships, forgive myself, and open my heart to new healthy beginnings. What am I doing to create these same types of relationships? What do I need to release to attract more healthy relationships? I am ready to see how and why, and let it go. I breathe in patience, I breathe in trust... Thank you for my willingness. Thank you my clarity. Thank you.

Dear God,
I'm ready now. I'm willing now. Please show me how I block love in my life. I am ready to see what my relationship history is trying to show me about myself. Help me to be free so I can fully enjoy deep, loving, healthy relationships. May the relationships I partake in contribute to the highest good of all. Thank you.


With Grace & Gratitude...