Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Stopped In My Tracks
After juggling the urge to indulge in ice cream for the last few hours I finally decided to go and get some (at 1:30 am). I have shorts on tonight because it's pretty warm out for October in Michigan. I quietly put on my coat and grabbed my keys, as I slide the sliding door back and watched it close from the other side I thought, "This feels like I'm sneaking out to do something wrong." In that moment I felt like a 15 year old girl sneaking out of her father's house, then caught a glimpse of myelf in the window. I'm smaller now than I was at 15. I looked at my legs, my waist, and my jaw line. I asked myself if I REALLY wanted that 1000 calories of ice cream I was about to indulge in. I put my head down and kept walking... I noticed the temperature had dropped, and it was windy. Within six feet of the envoy, slightly lit by the poarch light I stopped. I stopped in my tracks, and felt tears well up in my eyes. I took a deep breath and asked myself what was I REALLY feeling that I was about to numb with food? The answer was clear, I knew in my heart what it was, then I smiled and felt nothing but Love. In that instant of acknowleding I was chosing to ignore something, and a willingess to feel whatever it was.... it was felt only briefly then gone. Like I only felt it for a half a second as it passed through from somwhere inside of me where it was hiding then out. I had no thoughts of letting it go or releasing it, I was just willing to feel it and it was lifted before I could even put a label on it. I turned around and faced the street, I watched the wind rustle the trees and just stood there in the middle of the driveway with nothing but peace and serenity in my heart. I said aloud, "God." stood for several more minutes and said, "Thanks" with tears in my eyes I walked back into the house.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Sweet Discomfort
"I am willing to forgive past lovers and release all anger stored in my physical, mental and emotional bodies. I am willing to release the pain, in exchange for peace."
That is the action step for the Doreen Virtue Angel Oracle Card entitiled "Be Wililng to Forgive." This was the card brought to me repeatedly last night when I asked questions related to relationships like "What is the purpose of this relationship" or "What do I need to do?" "Where is this going, what can I expect?" I finally decided okay, lets sit with this a little while, the same card keeps coming up.... what am I not seeing?
I've recited that affirmation probably a hundred times since last night. I've found there are a few areas I keep getting stuck, I laugh because it's just that pain being resistive. I breathe, feel Love and compassion for myself and where I am on my path.. and recite it again with a smile. As of right now, I can say it, and feel those words permeate my being. As I was re-reading this just now, I realized that I am STILL leaving out the word "all" ... "all anger stored in my physical, mental, and emotional bodies." Hmph, interesting. Makes me smile :). This brings into my awareness a small part of me that still wants to hold on to SOME of the pain. It's okay. How often do we stick with the painful familiar so not to have to go into the unkown? I've said thousands of times, all that is needed for transformation is awareness & willingness. I console myself as I would a hurting friend. I tell myself it's okay, you'll get there, you may not be willing right this second, be when you're ready, you'll know it... and it'll leave before you even realize it's gone :).
How do I feel? Well, as good as any healing feels. It's a sweet discomfort. It's hope within the pain. As the pain and anger "stored within my physical, mental, and emotional body" leaves... I feel discomfort. I'm tired. Exausted actually. I feel as if I didn't even sleep last night. My throat hurts. I'm expierencing random pains, usually a shooting pain in random areas as the pain leaves such as my left ankle, under my right rib cage, around my shoulders, right hip, now about 3 inches inot my forarm. I've been nauseated most of the day. I'm cracking and popping with every movement. Emotionally, I'm whiney, complaining, angry... there's lots of anger. My anxiety was higher than it's been in MONTHS... I had to leave the floor at work because I needed to get some air and re-ground myself. I was verging on a panic attack. My patience was low, and I was told by almost every single patient I didn't look like myself. Mentally... random thoughts have been coming in and out and in and out... some things make since others don't.
It's beautiful really. I watch and feel years of pain and anger rise to the surface and leave. It's about being willing to do whatever it takes. Willing to see the pain, feel the pain, love the pain, and be willing to let it go when it no longer serves it's purpose. What I'm going through is often called a "healing crisis" where things get slightly worse before they get better. It's common really, like when I drug addict withdrawls, or working out to be stronger but hurting like hell the next day or two. It's going to the bottom of the well to clean out all the mud that's accumulated, causing the once clear water to become dirty. Cleaning the mud allows more room for fresh water to be held. Water that better serves everyone. It gets worse only temporarily, the end result is better than where you began. And sometimes, it make take a few times stirring it all up before you can get out all the dirt.
So with each twinge of pain, each tear, or urge to burst into anger... I'm going to ask myself what it's telling me, what I'm letting go, and breathe. I'm going to breathe into it Love and forgiveness. I'm going to allow myself to feel this sweet discomfrot and know it's all part of the process. Once the dirt settles again, there won't be so much at the bottom. Because that's what I'm doing... healing. I am forgiving past lovers (and myself) and releasing ALL anger stored within my physical, mental, and emotional bodies. I am releasing the pain, in exchange for peace right now at this very moment. And for that, I am grateful. Thank you All for the awareness and Love. Amen.
Love & Light
Dottie
That is the action step for the Doreen Virtue Angel Oracle Card entitiled "Be Wililng to Forgive." This was the card brought to me repeatedly last night when I asked questions related to relationships like "What is the purpose of this relationship" or "What do I need to do?" "Where is this going, what can I expect?" I finally decided okay, lets sit with this a little while, the same card keeps coming up.... what am I not seeing?
I've recited that affirmation probably a hundred times since last night. I've found there are a few areas I keep getting stuck, I laugh because it's just that pain being resistive. I breathe, feel Love and compassion for myself and where I am on my path.. and recite it again with a smile. As of right now, I can say it, and feel those words permeate my being. As I was re-reading this just now, I realized that I am STILL leaving out the word "all" ... "all anger stored in my physical, mental, and emotional bodies." Hmph, interesting. Makes me smile :). This brings into my awareness a small part of me that still wants to hold on to SOME of the pain. It's okay. How often do we stick with the painful familiar so not to have to go into the unkown? I've said thousands of times, all that is needed for transformation is awareness & willingness. I console myself as I would a hurting friend. I tell myself it's okay, you'll get there, you may not be willing right this second, be when you're ready, you'll know it... and it'll leave before you even realize it's gone :).
How do I feel? Well, as good as any healing feels. It's a sweet discomfort. It's hope within the pain. As the pain and anger "stored within my physical, mental, and emotional body" leaves... I feel discomfort. I'm tired. Exausted actually. I feel as if I didn't even sleep last night. My throat hurts. I'm expierencing random pains, usually a shooting pain in random areas as the pain leaves such as my left ankle, under my right rib cage, around my shoulders, right hip, now about 3 inches inot my forarm. I've been nauseated most of the day. I'm cracking and popping with every movement. Emotionally, I'm whiney, complaining, angry... there's lots of anger. My anxiety was higher than it's been in MONTHS... I had to leave the floor at work because I needed to get some air and re-ground myself. I was verging on a panic attack. My patience was low, and I was told by almost every single patient I didn't look like myself. Mentally... random thoughts have been coming in and out and in and out... some things make since others don't.
It's beautiful really. I watch and feel years of pain and anger rise to the surface and leave. It's about being willing to do whatever it takes. Willing to see the pain, feel the pain, love the pain, and be willing to let it go when it no longer serves it's purpose. What I'm going through is often called a "healing crisis" where things get slightly worse before they get better. It's common really, like when I drug addict withdrawls, or working out to be stronger but hurting like hell the next day or two. It's going to the bottom of the well to clean out all the mud that's accumulated, causing the once clear water to become dirty. Cleaning the mud allows more room for fresh water to be held. Water that better serves everyone. It gets worse only temporarily, the end result is better than where you began. And sometimes, it make take a few times stirring it all up before you can get out all the dirt.
So with each twinge of pain, each tear, or urge to burst into anger... I'm going to ask myself what it's telling me, what I'm letting go, and breathe. I'm going to breathe into it Love and forgiveness. I'm going to allow myself to feel this sweet discomfrot and know it's all part of the process. Once the dirt settles again, there won't be so much at the bottom. Because that's what I'm doing... healing. I am forgiving past lovers (and myself) and releasing ALL anger stored within my physical, mental, and emotional bodies. I am releasing the pain, in exchange for peace right now at this very moment. And for that, I am grateful. Thank you All for the awareness and Love. Amen.
Love & Light
Dottie
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Guilt Disguised as Anger at the Wrong Person
Four hours ago my Uncle's girlfriend offered a book she felt inclined to give me. She said she thought of me and knew I enjoy reading those kinds of books, but wasn't sure how to bring it up as to not offend me. The book was about trying to make everyone happy. My first thought was yeah, okay I've got some people pleasing tendencies, I might read it. I smiled, and told her it was fine, she didn't offend me and to just bring it on over. It was then I felt that first tinge of uncomfortableness. That little voice that began clearing it's throat before it's scarcastic slurs where to be made. She said, "I know you tend to do that with your mother." I said, "Not so much as with my mother as I do..." and pointed at my Uncle behind a wall so he couldn't see me. We laughed, and as I was walking out the door that little bruised ego voice began... "Who does she think she is? She doesn't know me. If I wanted her input on MY life I would have asked for it. I've never went to her for anything. I can't STAND for ppl to give there opinions without my asking... etc." The anger directed towards her began to grow, the anger directed towards me began to grow (because deep down I felt let her get to me < please note the sarcasm) The guilt began creeping in because I knew in my heart she was only acting out of Love, so how come I couldn't just see that and get the fuck over being angry?!?!? I talked to one person about it, and that person said I had every right to feel that way, they couldnt' stand for ppl to throw in their two cents either. I knew the issue was deeper, I just didn't know what it was yet.
For the past four hours, I've admitted to myself and someone else my feelings. I sat and asked myself what was I REALLY feeling, and why. I have myself permission to feel angry without judgement. With the trust that the true fire that burned this anger would be revealed. Because when I feel confusion it's because my reality doesn't match the truth. < WOW. I can't believe I just typed that. Amazing. I think that is a very true statement that just came from my subconcious. Anyways, after four hours... I've found my answer because under the anger there is hurt, and under the hurt there is Love, always Love.
I do not feel worthy of all that my Uncle does for me. Typing that brings tears to my eyes. For five years, I've watched him give to me and give to me, only asking that I use this oppurtunity to save money, and I can't even do that. The guilt I feel is tremendous. So, anytime I have the oppurtunity to do something for him that I CAN do... I do it. There's nothing I wouldn't do for him. I've changed my plans at the drop of a hat, missed a good friends bridal shower, been late for work, changed my routine.... the list is endless. Because I feel SO much guilt about not beign able to save money, I will do anything else to try and show him that I DO appreciate all he does. I feel like I could go my entire life and never repay him for all he has done. Everytime I spend a dime I think about my Uncle. I'm frustrated because I KNOW it's got to be much simpler than I'm making it, yet I can't seem to do it. I can't seem to save a grand for the life of me right now. I'm ashamed. I don't want him to know. I hide things from him because I don't want him to be disappointed in me, I don't want him angry at me, I don't want ot let him down. I want to leave, but not because I'm unhappy, but because I feel like I'm not utilizing this oppurtunity as I should, so why waste his time, energy, and money? I never feel any anger towards him, ever. It's always fear. Fear of upsetting him, fear of not living up to the expecatiosn he has of me, because I feel like I should give him that. All he has given me???? I should ATLEAST be able to live up to the expecations he has of me. As usual, I laugh about this situations because deep down it's knawing at my soul. He's so sick of hearing "I'm trying" and I'm sick of saying it.... but I am. Then I'm like there's no trying, either I am or I'm not.... I'm not. I'm not saving money, I'm not taking full advantage orf such a blessing that may never come again.... then I get angry at myself. What the fuck is wrong with me? People are loosing there homes, and would LOVE to be in my situation, yet I can't save a fucking dime. So what is it I feel? Anger, Shame, guilt, disappointment, fear. Seems so simple... SAVE MONEY. I have the funds to do so, but not the knowledge. Someone please fucking help me! HELP ME! Somebody show me. Then I get angry at my mother, becauuse when it comes to money I'm so much like her it makes me sick. And I used to become irate over her finances, and here I am, being her. I don't wanna be her. It's like a web. It keeps going backwards. His girlfriend offerend to show me how she does it ... maybe next pay period I'll take her up on it.
The subconcious thought that sparked the anger was what?! You're telling me I shouldn't spend so much energy trying to make him happy with me? All he does for me? What do you want me to walk around like I don't give a fuck? To be like yeah, thanks, what the fuck ever. NO. He wants me to clean windows, or take out the trash, or help him move the tiki hut, or pick him up antacids I'm gonna do it! Because that is the VERY LEAST I can do! And he can do whatever he wants... he can open my mail, stay on my ass, and ask me to do whatever he wants. The guilt I feel won't allow me to feel any anger when it comes to him. Just Love, because thats all I know. He washed all my clothes over the weekend. He didn't ahve to do that. I felt guilty. I brainstormed... what can I do to give back to him? I feel like I could spend my whole life trying to "repay" him and never succeed. My gratitude is beyond words. I wonder what I've done to have such a blessing? The tears are falling. That's good. I hear they cleanse the soul :) ... All I have to do is save money. It's simple I know... me doing it is difficult.
I'm sorry Uncle Keith. I love you and thank you. We both know I wouldn't be where I am without you, and I won't be where I'm going if I wouldnt' have been here.
God please help me to release these fears, and help me to save money... amen.
Love & Light
Dottie
For the past four hours, I've admitted to myself and someone else my feelings. I sat and asked myself what was I REALLY feeling, and why. I have myself permission to feel angry without judgement. With the trust that the true fire that burned this anger would be revealed. Because when I feel confusion it's because my reality doesn't match the truth. < WOW. I can't believe I just typed that. Amazing. I think that is a very true statement that just came from my subconcious. Anyways, after four hours... I've found my answer because under the anger there is hurt, and under the hurt there is Love, always Love.
I do not feel worthy of all that my Uncle does for me. Typing that brings tears to my eyes. For five years, I've watched him give to me and give to me, only asking that I use this oppurtunity to save money, and I can't even do that. The guilt I feel is tremendous. So, anytime I have the oppurtunity to do something for him that I CAN do... I do it. There's nothing I wouldn't do for him. I've changed my plans at the drop of a hat, missed a good friends bridal shower, been late for work, changed my routine.... the list is endless. Because I feel SO much guilt about not beign able to save money, I will do anything else to try and show him that I DO appreciate all he does. I feel like I could go my entire life and never repay him for all he has done. Everytime I spend a dime I think about my Uncle. I'm frustrated because I KNOW it's got to be much simpler than I'm making it, yet I can't seem to do it. I can't seem to save a grand for the life of me right now. I'm ashamed. I don't want him to know. I hide things from him because I don't want him to be disappointed in me, I don't want him angry at me, I don't want ot let him down. I want to leave, but not because I'm unhappy, but because I feel like I'm not utilizing this oppurtunity as I should, so why waste his time, energy, and money? I never feel any anger towards him, ever. It's always fear. Fear of upsetting him, fear of not living up to the expecatiosn he has of me, because I feel like I should give him that. All he has given me???? I should ATLEAST be able to live up to the expecations he has of me. As usual, I laugh about this situations because deep down it's knawing at my soul. He's so sick of hearing "I'm trying" and I'm sick of saying it.... but I am. Then I'm like there's no trying, either I am or I'm not.... I'm not. I'm not saving money, I'm not taking full advantage orf such a blessing that may never come again.... then I get angry at myself. What the fuck is wrong with me? People are loosing there homes, and would LOVE to be in my situation, yet I can't save a fucking dime. So what is it I feel? Anger, Shame, guilt, disappointment, fear. Seems so simple... SAVE MONEY. I have the funds to do so, but not the knowledge. Someone please fucking help me! HELP ME! Somebody show me. Then I get angry at my mother, becauuse when it comes to money I'm so much like her it makes me sick. And I used to become irate over her finances, and here I am, being her. I don't wanna be her. It's like a web. It keeps going backwards. His girlfriend offerend to show me how she does it ... maybe next pay period I'll take her up on it.
The subconcious thought that sparked the anger was what?! You're telling me I shouldn't spend so much energy trying to make him happy with me? All he does for me? What do you want me to walk around like I don't give a fuck? To be like yeah, thanks, what the fuck ever. NO. He wants me to clean windows, or take out the trash, or help him move the tiki hut, or pick him up antacids I'm gonna do it! Because that is the VERY LEAST I can do! And he can do whatever he wants... he can open my mail, stay on my ass, and ask me to do whatever he wants. The guilt I feel won't allow me to feel any anger when it comes to him. Just Love, because thats all I know. He washed all my clothes over the weekend. He didn't ahve to do that. I felt guilty. I brainstormed... what can I do to give back to him? I feel like I could spend my whole life trying to "repay" him and never succeed. My gratitude is beyond words. I wonder what I've done to have such a blessing? The tears are falling. That's good. I hear they cleanse the soul :) ... All I have to do is save money. It's simple I know... me doing it is difficult.
I'm sorry Uncle Keith. I love you and thank you. We both know I wouldn't be where I am without you, and I won't be where I'm going if I wouldnt' have been here.
God please help me to release these fears, and help me to save money... amen.
Love & Light
Dottie
Monday, October 18, 2010
The Life I've Chosen To Live
"Is this in alignment with the life I've chosen to Live?"
I question I heard on the way home from Mt. Clemens. Within that question a knowningness. I knew that question was one to ask myself on a daily basis, a moment to moment basis. Every action, inaction, decision, bite of food, piece of writing, feild of study, friend, relationship, etc.... Every single thing about my life. Is it in alignment with the life I've chosen to live? Which may go beyond just the obvious life I've chosen to live as the incarnate Dottie Hollingsworth. It goes deeper than that. I chose the life I wanted to live before I was even born, and thus far, I've spent my whole life doing just that, and figuring out exactly what that is without a single moment of mistake.
The next question was, "What is the life I've chosen to live?" One of awareness. One of balance, integrity, and Love. To find gratitude in every moment. To create meaningful, deep relationship with people in my life as to help each other be and live at our highest potential. One free of earthly addictions secondary to maintaing that balance and awareness. A concious decision to honor the gifts of the earth. To remember the sacridity of that which we as people so often take for granted. Like the presence of a tree that gives freely of itself to clear the pollutants that we as humans fill the air with, and exihibits an unconditional giving by re-growing itself after being plucked from it's life source. It does so in Love. Thats the life I want to live. May my human frailty never be forgotten by me, and may I remember always know that I am still human. Without judgement, anger, or fear may I embrace every part and peice of who I am. Allowing my breath to be a connector between myself and all that Is.
"Do whatever your heart and soul truly desire, but do it in Love..." < That is in alignment with the life I've chosen to live.
Namaste
Dottie
I question I heard on the way home from Mt. Clemens. Within that question a knowningness. I knew that question was one to ask myself on a daily basis, a moment to moment basis. Every action, inaction, decision, bite of food, piece of writing, feild of study, friend, relationship, etc.... Every single thing about my life. Is it in alignment with the life I've chosen to live? Which may go beyond just the obvious life I've chosen to live as the incarnate Dottie Hollingsworth. It goes deeper than that. I chose the life I wanted to live before I was even born, and thus far, I've spent my whole life doing just that, and figuring out exactly what that is without a single moment of mistake.
The next question was, "What is the life I've chosen to live?" One of awareness. One of balance, integrity, and Love. To find gratitude in every moment. To create meaningful, deep relationship with people in my life as to help each other be and live at our highest potential. One free of earthly addictions secondary to maintaing that balance and awareness. A concious decision to honor the gifts of the earth. To remember the sacridity of that which we as people so often take for granted. Like the presence of a tree that gives freely of itself to clear the pollutants that we as humans fill the air with, and exihibits an unconditional giving by re-growing itself after being plucked from it's life source. It does so in Love. Thats the life I want to live. May my human frailty never be forgotten by me, and may I remember always know that I am still human. Without judgement, anger, or fear may I embrace every part and peice of who I am. Allowing my breath to be a connector between myself and all that Is.
"Do whatever your heart and soul truly desire, but do it in Love..." < That is in alignment with the life I've chosen to live.
Namaste
Dottie
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Mind Catching Up With Body
My mind is finally beginning to catch up to the physical changes my body has taken on. Looking at myself in the mirror, in pictures, or catching glimpses of myself as I walk by a window I'm always a little bit surprised and usually say something along the lines of wow, I'm getting tiny. I'm not surprised as much anymore. There is periodic fear of I have this now, I don't want to loose it. However, I aknowledge I'm feeling it, but don't focus on it. As I was leaving the resturarnt I thought about how much easier it is for me to leave food now. I'ts not EASY persay, but it's doable. There was a time where I would eat myself sick because I couldn't leave food on my plate, and now all though it takes me a few bites after I decide I'm full I can put that fork down. I think of the times I overeat, which lead to an entirely different set of circumstances of which I'm not ready to share.
What a miracle. There was a day when I felt absolutely compelled to finish every bite. The Yoga of Eating book is changing my life. By simply making a concious decision to watch and feel how I eat.... it has changed. I didn't try to change it, it just did. I didn't judge myself at all about the way I ate, I just watched myself eat. It's beautiful. My desire to share this with others is strong, but almost as if telling them is difficult. It just kind of naturally happens, and people really have a hard time wrapping thier heads around that. I reminded myself of the small steps I've taken thus far, of the progress I've made. Taking a breath and asking my body what it wants, what it needs. I remind myself sometimes, that I am in the smallest pant size I've been in sice I began wearing "woman" sizes.
I've been so distracted the entire time I've been writing this. So I'll just end with this. I'm so grateful for this journey. Where I've been, Where I'm at, and Where I'm going.... God please continue to help me get to my goal weight and shed this pain I've carried for hears while building healthy boundries
Namaste
Dottie
What a miracle. There was a day when I felt absolutely compelled to finish every bite. The Yoga of Eating book is changing my life. By simply making a concious decision to watch and feel how I eat.... it has changed. I didn't try to change it, it just did. I didn't judge myself at all about the way I ate, I just watched myself eat. It's beautiful. My desire to share this with others is strong, but almost as if telling them is difficult. It just kind of naturally happens, and people really have a hard time wrapping thier heads around that. I reminded myself of the small steps I've taken thus far, of the progress I've made. Taking a breath and asking my body what it wants, what it needs. I remind myself sometimes, that I am in the smallest pant size I've been in sice I began wearing "woman" sizes.
I've been so distracted the entire time I've been writing this. So I'll just end with this. I'm so grateful for this journey. Where I've been, Where I'm at, and Where I'm going.... God please continue to help me get to my goal weight and shed this pain I've carried for hears while building healthy boundries
Namaste
Dottie
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Right Here, Right Now
"Is where we are now such a bad place to be?" - Karen Casey
My mantra if you will during my yoga session this morning. I sat for a moment on my orange yoga mat, legs crossed with the sun shining on my face and asked myself, "Is where am at right now so bad?" Never again will I be at THIS point in my journey. My journey of life, self-discovery, point of attainment to my goals. NEVER again will I bet RIGHT here, with the Sun RIGHT there, with it this temperature, these thoughts, this specific time and date, etc... never. I perfect, unique moment laid bare for the taking. For just a single moment of basking it it's perfectness. A single moment of letting go. In that moment it's as if the world pours in those most beautiful energy into the core of the soul. And when that moment is over, it's okay. Everything is okay. No need to be angry when the thoughts rush back, the attention is gone, and the world sets it. I stare out the window to a treah with tints of red, blowing in the breeze. It's simple presense makes me breath a little deeper and connect a little closer.
My thoughts go to the things I'm focusing on the most right now in my life which are loosing weight, maintaing awareness and balance, and becoming an RN. Also, feeling my emotions, truly feeling them without judgement and allowing them to be. I'll never be where I am right now, again. It is a journey. A beautiful journey. My weight loss journey has showed me things about myself I thought I had faced already. Drinking was but a symptom, eating was but a symptom, every personality characteristic has a deeper underylying fire that causes it to burn. I want to know what feeds that fire.
I am so grateful for this journey. Within the pain lies the healing. I've spent my entire life inflicting physical pain, and avoiding the emotional and spiritual. Removing the phsycial, I have to feel the emotional and spiritual. But under that there is Love. That's what I want. I want to get to the Love. Where Love is all I feel, know, breath, am. I want to take others there. I want to take there hand and say, I've been there. I've done this, and that, and been through that too. I want to go out into the battlefeilds of life where people are so willingly fighting only themselves and pretending they are fighting everything else. I've been there. I'm not afraid to go back. It's like growing up to realize there really aren't monsters in your closet, therefore your not fraid to go in there anymore. There really AREN'T any battles to be fought, just Love. Just allowing that Love to surface, and stoping fighting It.
Love & Light
Dottie
My mantra if you will during my yoga session this morning. I sat for a moment on my orange yoga mat, legs crossed with the sun shining on my face and asked myself, "Is where am at right now so bad?" Never again will I be at THIS point in my journey. My journey of life, self-discovery, point of attainment to my goals. NEVER again will I bet RIGHT here, with the Sun RIGHT there, with it this temperature, these thoughts, this specific time and date, etc... never. I perfect, unique moment laid bare for the taking. For just a single moment of basking it it's perfectness. A single moment of letting go. In that moment it's as if the world pours in those most beautiful energy into the core of the soul. And when that moment is over, it's okay. Everything is okay. No need to be angry when the thoughts rush back, the attention is gone, and the world sets it. I stare out the window to a treah with tints of red, blowing in the breeze. It's simple presense makes me breath a little deeper and connect a little closer.
My thoughts go to the things I'm focusing on the most right now in my life which are loosing weight, maintaing awareness and balance, and becoming an RN. Also, feeling my emotions, truly feeling them without judgement and allowing them to be. I'll never be where I am right now, again. It is a journey. A beautiful journey. My weight loss journey has showed me things about myself I thought I had faced already. Drinking was but a symptom, eating was but a symptom, every personality characteristic has a deeper underylying fire that causes it to burn. I want to know what feeds that fire.
I am so grateful for this journey. Within the pain lies the healing. I've spent my entire life inflicting physical pain, and avoiding the emotional and spiritual. Removing the phsycial, I have to feel the emotional and spiritual. But under that there is Love. That's what I want. I want to get to the Love. Where Love is all I feel, know, breath, am. I want to take others there. I want to take there hand and say, I've been there. I've done this, and that, and been through that too. I want to go out into the battlefeilds of life where people are so willingly fighting only themselves and pretending they are fighting everything else. I've been there. I'm not afraid to go back. It's like growing up to realize there really aren't monsters in your closet, therefore your not fraid to go in there anymore. There really AREN'T any battles to be fought, just Love. Just allowing that Love to surface, and stoping fighting It.
Love & Light
Dottie
Monday, October 4, 2010
Opening the Sacral Chakra
For about 4 or 5 days now my inner pelvic area has been radiating pain to the point where I have to amp myself up to get out of bed. I have a very high pain tolerance and successfully ignored it for about 2 days, then at work last Friday I was bending over and said aloud something along the lines of OMG I really am in a lot of pain. So I've chosen to really go inward and see what my body is trying to tell me.
I've prayed for clarity, clairty of my world as it really is, and what will best serve my highest good of myself and others. ANYWYAS, everything is making perfect sense. It's affecting my sacral chakra mainly, with some slight irritation to my root chakra. Just now I felt like the pulling sensation is because the root and the solar plexus are spinning beautifully, and the sacral chakra not so much, thus causing me so much pain... the other two are pulling on my sacral chakra because it's out of balance. As I was reading about the root chakra I had the feeling that one was doing just fine, the activities that help that one remain open and strong I do daily, I knew then it was mostly sacral. I'm researching what stones help to bust that chakra open, and what excercises will do so as well. I want to know how an unbalanced sacral chakra effects my life, and what I can embody to help it heal. Right now I've got a raw citrine nestled under my pelvic area, and yoga starts in about 20 min. A few things did really jump out at me that I should do, or need to focus on, I'll be copying and pasting here so I can review it later... right now it's time for me to get ready for yoga.
Namaste
This chakra often offers us the opportunity to lessen our "control issues" and find a balance in our lives, teaching us to recognize that acceptance and rejection are not the only options in our relationships. The process of making changes in our life stream through our personal choices is a product of second chakra energy. A well-functioning second chakra helps one to maintain a healthy yin-yang existence.
Spiritual Lesson - creativity, manifestation. honoring relationships, learning to "let go"
Physical Dysfunctions- low back pain, sciatica, ob/gyn problems, pelvic pain, libido, urinary problems
Mental and Emotional Issues - blame, guilt, money, sex, power, control, creativity, morality
Information Stored Inside Sacral Chakra - duality, magnetism, controlling patterns, emotional feelings (joy, anger, fear)
I've prayed for clarity, clairty of my world as it really is, and what will best serve my highest good of myself and others. ANYWYAS, everything is making perfect sense. It's affecting my sacral chakra mainly, with some slight irritation to my root chakra. Just now I felt like the pulling sensation is because the root and the solar plexus are spinning beautifully, and the sacral chakra not so much, thus causing me so much pain... the other two are pulling on my sacral chakra because it's out of balance. As I was reading about the root chakra I had the feeling that one was doing just fine, the activities that help that one remain open and strong I do daily, I knew then it was mostly sacral. I'm researching what stones help to bust that chakra open, and what excercises will do so as well. I want to know how an unbalanced sacral chakra effects my life, and what I can embody to help it heal. Right now I've got a raw citrine nestled under my pelvic area, and yoga starts in about 20 min. A few things did really jump out at me that I should do, or need to focus on, I'll be copying and pasting here so I can review it later... right now it's time for me to get ready for yoga.
Namaste
This chakra often offers us the opportunity to lessen our "control issues" and find a balance in our lives, teaching us to recognize that acceptance and rejection are not the only options in our relationships. The process of making changes in our life stream through our personal choices is a product of second chakra energy. A well-functioning second chakra helps one to maintain a healthy yin-yang existence.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Love & Ancillary Choices
Good morning :)
I have spent time contemplating mny things lately. Much thought/feeling has been giving to how do I REALLY feel inside, what does my heart want? In what ways am I remaining true to myself, and in what ways am I not? And if I'm not, then how can I go back to being true to myself? Who am I? Who do I want to be? Is what I want to be who I am? And can it change if I choose to do so? I've contemplated recovery, beliefs, and choices.
I just saw the word "labels" at the bottom of my blog box. My first thought was how often to we have to label things? Label ourselves, good or bad, alcoholic or normal drinker, extrovert or introvert, feminime or masculine, fighter or lover? The list goes on. At any given moment I have the capacity to go within and embrace any number of these qualities. If I feel I need strength, then I go within and find my strength, if I feel I need to be more extroverted then I go within and find THAT quality of myself.
What does my heart tell me? That I am Love, and anything beyond that is simply an ancillary choice.
As far as my recovery goes and being true to myself I've decided that I have been fighting the 12 steps for almost a year. In the beginning I thought it was a bad thing, yet I stepped out on faith away from the AA meetings and decided to continue working the 12 steps. I've been doing that, and find myself sincerly wanting away from the 12 steps. Just before I "left AA" I sat at the bar for almost 3 hours sincerely trying to drink. I left sober and super pissed. I realized later, that was me wanting OUT. It had served it's purpose.
In my heart there is no desire to continue working the 12 steps or attend any kind of recovery meeting. There is no anger, but peace. True peace and gratitiude. I feel I have gotten so much out of the last 2 and a half years, but it no longer plays the role it used to and hasn't for a long time now. Fighting to cling to a program that doesn't resonate with my soul has taken away from my serenity. I have an addictive personality, that I believe. Yes, I wonder if I didn't believe that if it would be true, but for serenity's sake, I agree and accept that I have an addictive personality. Which to me means that I have to maintain a state of awareness and balance. For me... food, the casino, sex, booze, self destruction, it is all the same for me. My extremeist attitude caused me to go from drinking 5 days a week to NOTHING, not a drop. So much of my energy was spent in refraining from that. I just want to live. I want to BE. I am. Change is coming, a lot of change, but it's okay. I like change. I'm ready for change. There is no fear right now, excitement, stillness.... peace.... my breathe is light. I wish I could rely in words what I feel right now.
Love & Light
Dottie
I have spent time contemplating mny things lately. Much thought/feeling has been giving to how do I REALLY feel inside, what does my heart want? In what ways am I remaining true to myself, and in what ways am I not? And if I'm not, then how can I go back to being true to myself? Who am I? Who do I want to be? Is what I want to be who I am? And can it change if I choose to do so? I've contemplated recovery, beliefs, and choices.
I just saw the word "labels" at the bottom of my blog box. My first thought was how often to we have to label things? Label ourselves, good or bad, alcoholic or normal drinker, extrovert or introvert, feminime or masculine, fighter or lover? The list goes on. At any given moment I have the capacity to go within and embrace any number of these qualities. If I feel I need strength, then I go within and find my strength, if I feel I need to be more extroverted then I go within and find THAT quality of myself.
What does my heart tell me? That I am Love, and anything beyond that is simply an ancillary choice.
As far as my recovery goes and being true to myself I've decided that I have been fighting the 12 steps for almost a year. In the beginning I thought it was a bad thing, yet I stepped out on faith away from the AA meetings and decided to continue working the 12 steps. I've been doing that, and find myself sincerly wanting away from the 12 steps. Just before I "left AA" I sat at the bar for almost 3 hours sincerely trying to drink. I left sober and super pissed. I realized later, that was me wanting OUT. It had served it's purpose.
In my heart there is no desire to continue working the 12 steps or attend any kind of recovery meeting. There is no anger, but peace. True peace and gratitiude. I feel I have gotten so much out of the last 2 and a half years, but it no longer plays the role it used to and hasn't for a long time now. Fighting to cling to a program that doesn't resonate with my soul has taken away from my serenity. I have an addictive personality, that I believe. Yes, I wonder if I didn't believe that if it would be true, but for serenity's sake, I agree and accept that I have an addictive personality. Which to me means that I have to maintain a state of awareness and balance. For me... food, the casino, sex, booze, self destruction, it is all the same for me. My extremeist attitude caused me to go from drinking 5 days a week to NOTHING, not a drop. So much of my energy was spent in refraining from that. I just want to live. I want to BE. I am. Change is coming, a lot of change, but it's okay. I like change. I'm ready for change. There is no fear right now, excitement, stillness.... peace.... my breathe is light. I wish I could rely in words what I feel right now.
Love & Light
Dottie
Friday, October 1, 2010
A Release
Ah, the peaceful embrace of the night. There was a time I was so afraid of the dark. I never knew why. I wasn't afraid of someone breaking in or anything like that, I was simply afraid of the dark and what I could sense but not see. I wasn't until I decided to go within and face my deepest fears, wahtever they were, I was ready. I spent an entire weekend up north at a bed and breakfast on the lake by myself. No phone, No Tv, and I journaled. I prayed and meditated, and faced whatever "demons" I had still lurking in the darkest depths of my soul. And now, I'm no longer afraid of the dark. It was pretty fascinating when I realized I wasn't afraid anymore. I mean I used to be so terrified I would sleep with a light now, like a LAMP light, lol. But not anymore. I think what I was afraid of was my OWN darkness, that part of me I refused to see, feel, and love. ANYWAYS.... that wasn't suppose to be what this blog is about. :) Moving on....
I've felt more lost over the last few days than I've felt in a very long time. Like much of what I've believed, felt, saught, became, had, and was ... was slowly being stripped away, and I left bare to the world. Vunerable. Completely lost. Questioning every single thought, action, word, belief... feeling that every other sentence was a contradiction to the one before it, leading me down yet another rabbit hole. I fought it at first, fearful. I prayed and asked God to bring me closer to him, because I felt that I could no longer FEEL the presence of him or the Angels. I wondered if I was so used to them being around I was used to the vibration, or wondered if I had allowed my ego to seperate me from that which is all I am.
I came to the conclusion tonight as I walked along the dark sidewalk with beautiful music filling every cell of my brain... that much WAS leaving. I had been praying for release from that which hinders my growth for weeks, and then I'm SUPRISED when I feel that things are being taken away? lol And by things I mean just the feeling of loosing something, of being without, scared, unprotected. My prayers were being answered. For the first time in days I breathed a deep breath and felt the presence of God, not as fully as I have before, but more than what I had in a while. I felt in the core of my being to just breathe. That's it. Breathe into that feeling, melt into that feeling, and trust that whatever is happening is for my highest good and those around me. Because it is. Every moment. I was able to reach back into that peace that resides inside of me. I smiled. It was beautiful.
I had a brief thought about going to a midnight AA meeting before all this happened. I thought about how I had always said I DO go when I feel like I"m suppose to be there. It was a repitive thought, but there was no peace with it. I have been repelled by the 12 steps for almost a year now. Do I understand it? No. Did I drink once, yes.... but for whatever reason, the thought of embracing the twelve steps as I did before does not add to my serenity. Yet I thoguht to go there tonight. I was confused. Yet I was not feeling it in my heart or gut, that I needed to be there.... then I realized that was me resorting back to what I know. Anytime we feel scared, lost, vunerable, we wish to go back to our "safe place." What we know. I know those tables, and those steps like the back of my hand, and feeling as lost as I did in that moment, I yearned for that comradarie, that feeling of saying the Lord's prayer with other people who had shared many of my expierences and feelings.... yet, I was not at peace about going there. I felt it would be a step backwards, which probably makes little sense. Sure it would be easy and safe for me to go to those tables and say "My name is Dottie, and I'm an alcoholic" but would I believe it? No. Would I feel it within my being? No. "Fake it till you make it?" <- That's convincing yourslef of something. What about how one REALLY feels? Everything just seems to contradict each other right now. But this is were I step out on faith, there are no mistakes.
Our beliefs, are our choice. What we think will work for us will, what we embrace becomes us. I've put everything I've ever believed, felt, thought, and said onto a table... I want to know who I am, what I am, who I want to be. We can be whoever we WANT to be, but who do I WANT to be? That's the question. We spend our entire lives creating this person we want to be. I am no different. I am angery right now, just now I can feel it rising to the surface. God, please walk with me and show me where you want me to go.... and show me what you want me to take. I feel empty, and lost. May it be because that which no longer serves me highest purpose is gone, and there is more room for your Love to fill my being...
Love & Light
Dottie
I've felt more lost over the last few days than I've felt in a very long time. Like much of what I've believed, felt, saught, became, had, and was ... was slowly being stripped away, and I left bare to the world. Vunerable. Completely lost. Questioning every single thought, action, word, belief... feeling that every other sentence was a contradiction to the one before it, leading me down yet another rabbit hole. I fought it at first, fearful. I prayed and asked God to bring me closer to him, because I felt that I could no longer FEEL the presence of him or the Angels. I wondered if I was so used to them being around I was used to the vibration, or wondered if I had allowed my ego to seperate me from that which is all I am.
I came to the conclusion tonight as I walked along the dark sidewalk with beautiful music filling every cell of my brain... that much WAS leaving. I had been praying for release from that which hinders my growth for weeks, and then I'm SUPRISED when I feel that things are being taken away? lol And by things I mean just the feeling of loosing something, of being without, scared, unprotected. My prayers were being answered. For the first time in days I breathed a deep breath and felt the presence of God, not as fully as I have before, but more than what I had in a while. I felt in the core of my being to just breathe. That's it. Breathe into that feeling, melt into that feeling, and trust that whatever is happening is for my highest good and those around me. Because it is. Every moment. I was able to reach back into that peace that resides inside of me. I smiled. It was beautiful.
I had a brief thought about going to a midnight AA meeting before all this happened. I thought about how I had always said I DO go when I feel like I"m suppose to be there. It was a repitive thought, but there was no peace with it. I have been repelled by the 12 steps for almost a year now. Do I understand it? No. Did I drink once, yes.... but for whatever reason, the thought of embracing the twelve steps as I did before does not add to my serenity. Yet I thoguht to go there tonight. I was confused. Yet I was not feeling it in my heart or gut, that I needed to be there.... then I realized that was me resorting back to what I know. Anytime we feel scared, lost, vunerable, we wish to go back to our "safe place." What we know. I know those tables, and those steps like the back of my hand, and feeling as lost as I did in that moment, I yearned for that comradarie, that feeling of saying the Lord's prayer with other people who had shared many of my expierences and feelings.... yet, I was not at peace about going there. I felt it would be a step backwards, which probably makes little sense. Sure it would be easy and safe for me to go to those tables and say "My name is Dottie, and I'm an alcoholic" but would I believe it? No. Would I feel it within my being? No. "Fake it till you make it?" <- That's convincing yourslef of something. What about how one REALLY feels? Everything just seems to contradict each other right now. But this is were I step out on faith, there are no mistakes.
Our beliefs, are our choice. What we think will work for us will, what we embrace becomes us. I've put everything I've ever believed, felt, thought, and said onto a table... I want to know who I am, what I am, who I want to be. We can be whoever we WANT to be, but who do I WANT to be? That's the question. We spend our entire lives creating this person we want to be. I am no different. I am angery right now, just now I can feel it rising to the surface. God, please walk with me and show me where you want me to go.... and show me what you want me to take. I feel empty, and lost. May it be because that which no longer serves me highest purpose is gone, and there is more room for your Love to fill my being...
Love & Light
Dottie
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