I have been angry for days. Which might have peaked last night when the dog woke us up only 3 hours after being in bed to go outside. I let him out JUST BEFORE BED, to prevent this kind of situation. I can't even say I wasn't in the mood to deal with him, because I never am. After attempting to ignore his pawing at the side of the bed and whining, I yelled "fucking goddamn dog!" as I crawled out of bed swearing if he ran off again this time I was locking him out all night. Anger. I know it all to well.
I will be the first to tell you, I don't handle anger well, and after reading through old blogs ABOUT anger for the last 30min from over the last 4 years, the general consensus seems to be that I'm afraid of my anger, of what I will do when I'm angry... to myself or others. I have, somewhere along the lines, deemed anger unacceptable which adds even more resistance when it arises within me. I've re-read how working out with Burkey and working with Billie & Jack have done wonders with how I manage my anger. But they aren't here in anymore, not in Lansing anyway, not an active part of my life's journey at this moment. So I'm here with even more fear of what do I do with it now?
I did the only thing I knew how to do last night, short of punching walls and kicking the dog. It's funny how its usually the last thing, but always the right thing, and the most effective thing. I prayed. I wanted to beat the dog. I wanted to kick him every time I looked down at him. Something had to be done. Because he didn't deserve that. I've at least cultivated enough awareness over the years to know it wasn't about the dog. So I prayed. I crawled in bed and recited the Lord's prayer, because really that's the only prayer I know. And I feel asleep before I finished the third recital of it.
And yet, I woke up still angry. I'm angry now. So I meditated and did some healing work. I think I most angry at myself. I've allowed myself to fall back into old eating habits. I've let go of things I really wanted to keep in my life. My lack of decent boundaries has allowed me to loose myself within my relationship. Which I think has always been my fear with relationships. And why up until this point I have avoided committed relationships and partners who wanted them. It's humbling. It's shameful. I've always ducked & ran. I've always chose to leave instead of facing my boundary issues. I can be fiercely independent outside of the relationship, know exactly what I want, & what I need to do to take care of myself and have no problem doing it. But you throw me into a partnership where I have to also take into consideration my partners needs & wants and allow someone else to nurture and take care of me at times??? I'm at a fucking loss. I'm like a dear in headlights. I get so anxious about meeting them, I neglect my own! It's probably due to the fact I've spent most of my life in survival mode. So now, I go into learning mode. I shut my mouth and stop voicing myself. Simply being in it is stressful unto itself for me most days because its uncharted waters, God forbid I rock the boat anymore, I'm barely hanging on as it is... that's how I often feel. Like I'm constantly fumbling. Or rather that is my fear. I'm angry that its such a struggle for me to function in a normal & healthy relationship. Especially when I truly want it, and so much good comes from it. But isn't that how it happens? Our life lessons? I learned how to comfortably be single, to know myself, to love myself. To have boundaries & assert myself with others outside of my most intimate relationships. And now its time learn that within a relationship; within this relationship. Because I choose her.
It's difficult though to not reach back for old tools like working out or AA that once helped with these life lessons, to reach back to the people who helped before with my personal growth. And when you try, the universe manages to stop you. There's an inner knowing that it's time for someone, something new, because this is new. It sits me in this grey area of stillness. Where the only thing to do is to wait. To be still, to listen. To be willing to fail and keep going. To risk rocking the boat with those closest to you. Because if someone, anyone truly loves you, they support you in positive changes. They will grow with you. I trust that.
What do you know, I'm not angry anymore.
With Grace & Gratitude...
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Monday, March 10, 2014
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Priorities
"No one more directly affects your life than the person you choose to spend it with."
Just incase you were wondering... that's my quote, I said that. And it's true. I would imagine most people's initial response would be NO! My children do! Well, yes, children do very much and very drastically affect your life, but who affects those children almost as much as you do? The person you choose to spend your life with. If they parent those children or not, that person directly affects everything in your life. So the question then becomes, do you like how this person affects your life?
There comes a point when your family takes precedence. The family that becomes yours, that you create should be your primary focus. Everything and everyone else becomes secondary. No that doesn't meant do not take care of yourself or pursue your dreams, if anyone knows me they know I am a huge advocate of change, taking leaps, and being true to yourself. But I do believe there is a level of respect and honor that you give your immediately family (you, your significant other, and your children) that places them above other members of your family such as your parents and your siblings. As we grow, the roles people play in our lives change. And at one point, your parents and your siblings were your immediate family and they did come first, but somehow that shifts, and it needs to. Everyone goes on their own way. I'm not saying do not help your family, because yes, that IS what family does, we love and support each other. We give of ourselves, our energy, our money, our space, etc... when we can. When our family is taken care of. Just as you cannot take care of anyone else if you haven't taken care of yourself. The family you create becomes part of you. They are an extension of you and before you can give to someone outside that, you must ensure that all is well within. Let me be clear that I am not talking about someone whom you are dating, or been in a long term relationship but have not made that commitment to each other. I am also not talking about those people who have a tendency to forget everyone and everything and loose themselves within each relationship that comes along and lasts only months. I'm talking about those who have decided that yes, this person is this person I want to spend my life with, and make that decision again and again.
That's were I'm at. I'm grateful for it, and I offer no apologies. This is a beautiful life. Far greater than I ever imagined. Even on the rough days, I love the way she affects my life. The bigger picture always brings me home.
With Grace & Gratitude...
Just incase you were wondering... that's my quote, I said that. And it's true. I would imagine most people's initial response would be NO! My children do! Well, yes, children do very much and very drastically affect your life, but who affects those children almost as much as you do? The person you choose to spend your life with. If they parent those children or not, that person directly affects everything in your life. So the question then becomes, do you like how this person affects your life?
There comes a point when your family takes precedence. The family that becomes yours, that you create should be your primary focus. Everything and everyone else becomes secondary. No that doesn't meant do not take care of yourself or pursue your dreams, if anyone knows me they know I am a huge advocate of change, taking leaps, and being true to yourself. But I do believe there is a level of respect and honor that you give your immediately family (you, your significant other, and your children) that places them above other members of your family such as your parents and your siblings. As we grow, the roles people play in our lives change. And at one point, your parents and your siblings were your immediate family and they did come first, but somehow that shifts, and it needs to. Everyone goes on their own way. I'm not saying do not help your family, because yes, that IS what family does, we love and support each other. We give of ourselves, our energy, our money, our space, etc... when we can. When our family is taken care of. Just as you cannot take care of anyone else if you haven't taken care of yourself. The family you create becomes part of you. They are an extension of you and before you can give to someone outside that, you must ensure that all is well within. Let me be clear that I am not talking about someone whom you are dating, or been in a long term relationship but have not made that commitment to each other. I am also not talking about those people who have a tendency to forget everyone and everything and loose themselves within each relationship that comes along and lasts only months. I'm talking about those who have decided that yes, this person is this person I want to spend my life with, and make that decision again and again.
That's were I'm at. I'm grateful for it, and I offer no apologies. This is a beautiful life. Far greater than I ever imagined. Even on the rough days, I love the way she affects my life. The bigger picture always brings me home.
With Grace & Gratitude...
Friday, January 17, 2014
Wounds
"It's not about the wounds from our past relationships, its about the wounds we are creating in each other in our current relationship and we need to figure out how to help the other one heal those wounds without our egos getting all worked up."
That might have been one of the most profound things I've ever said to my significant other. The goal, the mutual goal, should always be to help the other become the best version of themselves. That's why it's so important to mean what you say and be mindful with our words. It's okay to point out less than positive aspects of the other's personality but it must be done with love, with the intention of simply bringing it to the others attention. Maybe they will reflect on that, maybe they won't. That is not of our concern. But if it is re-iterated that our mutual understanding is to always help the other person be a better version of themselves, then that will allow each person to listen a little more intently and be a little less defensive. As always, the change begins with us. You get what you give. It's about giving anyway. If we stayed concerned with what we are or are not getting out of our relationships, we are missing the whole point. So, it begins with me. Be the change. Right? Yes. In those moments though, sometimes all you can do is breathe. Keep breathing and keep listening. In the grand scheme of things its about loving, giving, growing, and being true to yourself all in the same boat. Life has always been about learning. What are the principles you live your relationship by? What questions can we ask ourselves to get the most out of where we are right now? What is being presented as an opportunity to learn? In what ways are we being loving? In what ways are our egos blocking the possibility of growth? Are we being true to ourselves here while being kind? And might it be true that it is more difficult to apply these principles the closer we are to someone, although you would thing it would be the other way around?
As I get older I realize, you have no where to run. Any advice you receive simply brings you inward, back to your own, back to yourself to that part of you that does not belong to you. It is part of something greater. There is no such thing as advice. Don't ask what you should do, ask what they have done in similar situations. It is shared experience. Take what works for you and leave the rest. We are all teachers; we are all students.
With Grace & Gratitude...
That might have been one of the most profound things I've ever said to my significant other. The goal, the mutual goal, should always be to help the other become the best version of themselves. That's why it's so important to mean what you say and be mindful with our words. It's okay to point out less than positive aspects of the other's personality but it must be done with love, with the intention of simply bringing it to the others attention. Maybe they will reflect on that, maybe they won't. That is not of our concern. But if it is re-iterated that our mutual understanding is to always help the other person be a better version of themselves, then that will allow each person to listen a little more intently and be a little less defensive. As always, the change begins with us. You get what you give. It's about giving anyway. If we stayed concerned with what we are or are not getting out of our relationships, we are missing the whole point. So, it begins with me. Be the change. Right? Yes. In those moments though, sometimes all you can do is breathe. Keep breathing and keep listening. In the grand scheme of things its about loving, giving, growing, and being true to yourself all in the same boat. Life has always been about learning. What are the principles you live your relationship by? What questions can we ask ourselves to get the most out of where we are right now? What is being presented as an opportunity to learn? In what ways are we being loving? In what ways are our egos blocking the possibility of growth? Are we being true to ourselves here while being kind? And might it be true that it is more difficult to apply these principles the closer we are to someone, although you would thing it would be the other way around?
As I get older I realize, you have no where to run. Any advice you receive simply brings you inward, back to your own, back to yourself to that part of you that does not belong to you. It is part of something greater. There is no such thing as advice. Don't ask what you should do, ask what they have done in similar situations. It is shared experience. Take what works for you and leave the rest. We are all teachers; we are all students.
With Grace & Gratitude...
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
My Two Cents on Gay Marriage
I feel compelled to touch on the issue of gay marriage. It's difficult for me to wrap my head around the fact that this is still an issue. I forget sometimes that it is still illegal in most states for people in love of the same sex to marry. It blows my mind. The falling leg that so many are still trying to stand on is literally crumbling, and it's palpable. You can feel it. You can hear it in the shaky-ness of the voices on CNN "uh, well... um..." What?! Really?! The arguable reasons attempting to slow down this process have no sustenance. I mean c'mon! Gay people have been getting married for a few years now! IT'S HAPPENING. Right now. At this very moment, I'm sure somewhere a gay couple are taking vows of marriage. So what is the hold up? What are they fighting against? It's a body in motion, and physics states a body in motion, stays in motion. It's funny to me. All these legalities. And the thing is... it's not even about gay marriage. It's about change. It is a blatant representation of people's unwillingness to change. And I don't mean the generic "change" of a word that has been thrown around carelessly at times in our nation's history in the name of political or presidential votes, I'm talking about gut, energetic, shifts of energy inside the hearts and minds of people. Not just American's, of people. We use titles and descriptions and classes and continue to separate ourselves from each other. We have gays and straights, and blacks and whites, and men and woman, and American's and Europeans.... and countless subcultures. The sooner we realize, actually the sooner it is accepted that we all are connected in an intricate and dependent fashion, the sooner the world and all the people in in can truly begin to heal.
I get it. I can be stubborn too. And it I have been known to fight until I wear my little self out. Until I'm exhausted and done, and acceptance is all that is left. And that is what some are doing right now, they are wearing their little selves out. The old ways aren't working anymore. It's so simple, some are attempting to do the same things over and over again, call it different things and are expecting different results. It doesn't work like that. lol Love in all forms WILL prevail. "Love is patient, love is kind." Love is slowly and patiently coming to forefront, and won't hurt anyone on it's way there. Except maybe some ego's as it's illusion of control fade like smoke in a room.
With Grace & Gratitude...
I get it. I can be stubborn too. And it I have been known to fight until I wear my little self out. Until I'm exhausted and done, and acceptance is all that is left. And that is what some are doing right now, they are wearing their little selves out. The old ways aren't working anymore. It's so simple, some are attempting to do the same things over and over again, call it different things and are expecting different results. It doesn't work like that. lol Love in all forms WILL prevail. "Love is patient, love is kind." Love is slowly and patiently coming to forefront, and won't hurt anyone on it's way there. Except maybe some ego's as it's illusion of control fade like smoke in a room.
With Grace & Gratitude...
Friday, February 17, 2012
And I said I Wasn't Going to Listen...
"What makes it so FUCKING hard to be in a relationship with me?"
I was watching the L word. After watching yet another relationship slip through her fingers Bette asked Tina this question. I knew so strongly that I needed to hear this answer because I had heard myself ask that very same questions several times... I literally sat up, scooted to the edge of the couch and took a breathe... this was Tina's response:
"You're a control freak. You think your things are more important than everyone else's which makes things really, really hard in a relationship. Your work. Your needs. Your ideas. Are always right, always on a higher plane. You're more enlightened. You're more informed. You're more intuitive."
My fucking jaw dropped. Yup, that definitely sounds like that could fit me. This hit me hard... not to mention I had also just admitted to myself before sitting down to watch that I was refusing to listen to what the universe was gracefully trying to tell me. "You are seeking to find what you want to hear, you're not listening" ... what I heard on my walk about an hour before. I got back. I wanted to eat, but I also knew deep down, my want to eat was an urge to quiet what I didn't want to hear. So I admitted to myself, to God, & to whatever other beings of Light might have been listening that I was WELL AWARE I wasn't listening & really didn't have the desire to do so. However, as I was saying this I found myself sitting on a pillow in my floor. Funny how that happens. Somewhere inside of me, apparently, there was enough willingness (although I didn't see it) to have me sitting in that floor meditation style. I took maybe five deep breaths, but that was all the universe was getting out of me. I got up, got my food, and sat my happy ass in front of the L word. And since I wasn't going to be quiet enough to listen, the universe decided to answer a little more loudly and make it a little more unmistakeable. Hence, the question above.
I decided a couple months ago I was absolutely willing to truly know why relationships seem to be so difficult for me. I always want more. Never want what I have. Nothing is never enough. I equate healthy with boring & hard with worth it, always. I loose myself, collapse within the rush, the feelings, the chemistry. The sheer delight of embarking upon something new. It's exciting. I panic when I realize I'm in too deep & retreat. The need to be in control is so ingrained I'm not even conscious I'm doing it half the time. The other half the time I'm desperately trying to fight it because I don't want to be that person, I don't want to be a control freak. I fight to resist my urge to be in control, because I view it as an unacceptable aspect of my personality. And if you know anything about the shadow effect... THOSE parts of us are what runs & ruins our lives and sabotages our relationships. Not to mention, what you resist, persists. Attempting to focus my thoughts on being at ease with life, putting my energies there. My heart is pounding right now.
I was asked the other day why I hadn't been in a relationship for longer than a year. She said, "I only ask for the flaws because its like... ok smart, beautiful, wonderful mind, seems like a good happy personality, likes a lot of the common interests... so whats the catch lol.... mine has always been my work ethic and motivation to my job and learning." I don't remember what my response was... but it sure the hell wasn't this. God bless us, maybe it should have been, lol.
So, what now? Thank the universe for coming across so clearly. Ask for the steps to take so this can be an accepted and positive part of my personality, and the willingness to take those steps as they are shown to me. Either it will be integrated in a more positive fashion, or leave entirely... baby steps...
With Grace, Gratitude, & some humor...
I was watching the L word. After watching yet another relationship slip through her fingers Bette asked Tina this question. I knew so strongly that I needed to hear this answer because I had heard myself ask that very same questions several times... I literally sat up, scooted to the edge of the couch and took a breathe... this was Tina's response:
"You're a control freak. You think your things are more important than everyone else's which makes things really, really hard in a relationship. Your work. Your needs. Your ideas. Are always right, always on a higher plane. You're more enlightened. You're more informed. You're more intuitive."
My fucking jaw dropped. Yup, that definitely sounds like that could fit me. This hit me hard... not to mention I had also just admitted to myself before sitting down to watch that I was refusing to listen to what the universe was gracefully trying to tell me. "You are seeking to find what you want to hear, you're not listening" ... what I heard on my walk about an hour before. I got back. I wanted to eat, but I also knew deep down, my want to eat was an urge to quiet what I didn't want to hear. So I admitted to myself, to God, & to whatever other beings of Light might have been listening that I was WELL AWARE I wasn't listening & really didn't have the desire to do so. However, as I was saying this I found myself sitting on a pillow in my floor. Funny how that happens. Somewhere inside of me, apparently, there was enough willingness (although I didn't see it) to have me sitting in that floor meditation style. I took maybe five deep breaths, but that was all the universe was getting out of me. I got up, got my food, and sat my happy ass in front of the L word. And since I wasn't going to be quiet enough to listen, the universe decided to answer a little more loudly and make it a little more unmistakeable. Hence, the question above.
I decided a couple months ago I was absolutely willing to truly know why relationships seem to be so difficult for me. I always want more. Never want what I have. Nothing is never enough. I equate healthy with boring & hard with worth it, always. I loose myself, collapse within the rush, the feelings, the chemistry. The sheer delight of embarking upon something new. It's exciting. I panic when I realize I'm in too deep & retreat. The need to be in control is so ingrained I'm not even conscious I'm doing it half the time. The other half the time I'm desperately trying to fight it because I don't want to be that person, I don't want to be a control freak. I fight to resist my urge to be in control, because I view it as an unacceptable aspect of my personality. And if you know anything about the shadow effect... THOSE parts of us are what runs & ruins our lives and sabotages our relationships. Not to mention, what you resist, persists. Attempting to focus my thoughts on being at ease with life, putting my energies there. My heart is pounding right now.
I was asked the other day why I hadn't been in a relationship for longer than a year. She said, "I only ask for the flaws because its like... ok smart, beautiful, wonderful mind, seems like a good happy personality, likes a lot of the common interests... so whats the catch lol.... mine has always been my work ethic and motivation to my job and learning." I don't remember what my response was... but it sure the hell wasn't this. God bless us, maybe it should have been, lol.
So, what now? Thank the universe for coming across so clearly. Ask for the steps to take so this can be an accepted and positive part of my personality, and the willingness to take those steps as they are shown to me. Either it will be integrated in a more positive fashion, or leave entirely... baby steps...
With Grace, Gratitude, & some humor...
Monday, February 13, 2012
Seeing The Humor
Collect yourself, see the humor, and keep your faith strong. Be patient. Be kind. Wait on the will of Heaven. Avoid addictive behaviors.
The same messages I've been getting in various ways very strongly over the last few days. And guess what I've done? Been a neurotic mess, cried, questioned God. Pissed on patience, been a selfish asshole. Refused to wait on shit, and eaten 3/4 a box of chocolate chip cookies and watched the L word. So here I am at 3:31am. For the first time in days, I feel a sense of peace, and I finally see the humor.
"I was born to laugh, I learned to laugh through my tears."
The song I've had on repeat since yesterday. When I do choose to watch TV I find it's often exactly what I needed to see, to show me something. The last episode of the L word was like me watching myself. Crying. Begging the women she was in love with to start over. Giving a list of reasons including, but not limited too "The sex was earth shattering, the connection was instantaneous." I watched this woman voice a willingness to give up her husband, because she had experienced her first relationship with a women, and was so in love she couldn't contain it. I literally laughed out-loud when another character told the other woman, "You have to break up with her." "I did" she responded. "Well you have to re-break up with her, some lesbians you have to break up with twice." .... it was then, I began to see the humor. Then, they all shared there "coming out affairs" and how in love they all were, how they were planning their lives, and thought it would never end. How it took them ridiculous amounts of time to pull themselves together because they thought they had really found it, the love of their life.... I stopped eating the cookies. I didn't feel so alone. I smiled.
She will always be my coming out story. My coming out affair. She was my first of many things. I chose her & she took my hand. As if she knew I had been wondering my entire life what it would be like, and she said let me show you. But I've been here before, this sense of peace that everything is just as it should be. Nothing but gratitude for what has been, what is, & what will be. I pray this nestles so deeply in my soul, that I can embody it. It's not so much the letting go that's hard, it's the not picking it back up again. My intense want to start over, to try it again, is preventing us from being really great friends. All of a sudden I don't want to write anymore. It's over. She truly believes it has served it's purpose. I on the other hand, am having a real hard time believing that. I've been fighting it. It's within this fight that my happiness has been disturbed. I thought alot about acceptance today. "Life on life's terms" It's been a while since I've thought about that saying. If life takes it away from you, let it go. Trust life. That can be really hard for me at times. Right now, I'm grateful. I'm humored. Maybe now I can sleep...
With Grace & Gratitude
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Ready & Willing
The last year of blogs regarding relationships have been the same thing, same thing over & over, and the same thing I'm dealing with right now. I am ready & willing now. The pain has become great enough. I think of her everyday. True or not, I blame myself for the end of our relationship. I yearn to touch your face with the palm of my hand, touch your forehead to mine. To close my eyes & tell you how much love you and how much I've missed you, and gently kiss your lips. Here are the tears, 2 months later. "I don't deal with regret & jealousy well" "There is remorse, fatigue, and compassion in my heart." "Patience is powerful." "I've spent the last 12 years making repeated mistakes, trying to hard, clinging, pushing away, crying, humiliating myself." ---- re-reading those words scattered within old blogs just makes me shake my head, especially when some were from almost a year ago. The answers where always there, just as they have been countless times before. I felt I was in this same place last year around this same time! Only then, I wasn't ready. I team-built, I felt sorry for myself. I ran back to the tired and true, to just lay there and hold me. I went online dating to distract myself from what I was feeling. After all, it was his doing, not mine. He decided to bail. (Please not the sarcasm) I was asking all the wrong questions. I just wanted the pain to GO AWAY, I didn't want to explore shit. I couldn't. I couldn't deal with it, it was too much for me. I'm so ready now. I'm going to see my hypnotherapist on Monday, my gut tells me to NOT do anything ridiculous before I get there. To not stubbornly insist upon my will. To be patient, kind, understanding. To surrender to this process of growth & healing of all concerned. There has always been so much mystery surrounding our relationships, so much unknown. As if, the potential untouchable greatness of what can be, can only be tasted when both of us are entirely ready. When both of us make the decision to feel our old pain, and prepare our hearts for what's available between us. As if free will is playing a huge part. Like we decided before we got here we would tackle this in this lifetime, and now we aren't so sure. Now that our humanness allows us to fully feel such deep, soul engulfing pain our willingness is stifled by fears.
I'm ready to know how I sabotage my relationships, forgive myself, and open my heart to new healthy beginnings. What am I doing to create these same types of relationships? What do I need to release to attract more healthy relationships? I am ready to see how and why, and let it go. I breathe in patience, I breathe in trust... Thank you for my willingness. Thank you my clarity. Thank you.
Dear God,
I'm ready now. I'm willing now. Please show me how I block love in my life. I am ready to see what my relationship history is trying to show me about myself. Help me to be free so I can fully enjoy deep, loving, healthy relationships. May the relationships I partake in contribute to the highest good of all. Thank you.
With Grace & Gratitude...
I'm ready to know how I sabotage my relationships, forgive myself, and open my heart to new healthy beginnings. What am I doing to create these same types of relationships? What do I need to release to attract more healthy relationships? I am ready to see how and why, and let it go. I breathe in patience, I breathe in trust... Thank you for my willingness. Thank you my clarity. Thank you.
Dear God,
I'm ready now. I'm willing now. Please show me how I block love in my life. I am ready to see what my relationship history is trying to show me about myself. Help me to be free so I can fully enjoy deep, loving, healthy relationships. May the relationships I partake in contribute to the highest good of all. Thank you.
With Grace & Gratitude...
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Honoring Relationships
Problem: I can't seem to hold onto a partner. Karmic fix: Respect other people's relationships.
This was part of a problem/solution table in The Tibetan Book of Mediation. Respect & honor other people's relationships. Wow. It stuck with me the moment I read it weeks ago. It speaks of opposites. Similar to, you can't fight darkness with darkness or you can't find war with more war. The underlying energy is still the same anger, fight, darkness, etc... thus creating MORE of what you don't want. It's about choosing to be and create more of that you want to see in your life as opposed to fighting what you don't. Such subtle differences, but such a marked difference in energy and outcome. Anyways, back to the meat & potatoes...
That statement really hit home for me. I asked myself DO I honor and respect other people's relationships? I don't think I do. I ran through a mental list, one relationship in particular which has erked me for a long while now came to my mind first (and is there right now, refusing to hide in the background of my thoughts at the moment) I decided to start there, to be observant of my thoughts, emotions, & words as they related to this particular relationship, and others, as the opportunities arose. I realized I often (but not always) found myself in judgement, picking them apart, shaking my head thinking THAT relationship was ridiculous and one of them was a total fucking idiot. You give it away to keep it. If this is what I was giving, no wonder I had been getting what I had been getting! My focus was on picking their relationship apart, finding everything fucked up about it, and thinking that's definitely not the kind of relationship I want. Wondering why the fuck they are still together anyways? So I started there, a conscious decision to notice and replace the thoughts rooted in judgement, anger, etc with thoughts rooted in Love, compassion, & understanding. To see the good in it, and to know, it was serving some kind of divine purpose.
To honor and respect other people's romantic relationships, because that's their contract. In doing that, I'm honoring my own. I'm creating relationships based upon honor, respect, & Love.
I realized today, that I had not in the slightest bit honored or respected the relationship she was in prior to meeting me. Easily forgetting every chance I could get where they were when I came into the picture. That was my first mistake... not taking a step back to honor and respect that relationship. To say you know, sounds like there is still some healing to be done. Maybe it's not a good time for us to start one of our own.
With Grace & Gratitude...
This was part of a problem/solution table in The Tibetan Book of Mediation. Respect & honor other people's relationships. Wow. It stuck with me the moment I read it weeks ago. It speaks of opposites. Similar to, you can't fight darkness with darkness or you can't find war with more war. The underlying energy is still the same anger, fight, darkness, etc... thus creating MORE of what you don't want. It's about choosing to be and create more of that you want to see in your life as opposed to fighting what you don't. Such subtle differences, but such a marked difference in energy and outcome. Anyways, back to the meat & potatoes...
That statement really hit home for me. I asked myself DO I honor and respect other people's relationships? I don't think I do. I ran through a mental list, one relationship in particular which has erked me for a long while now came to my mind first (and is there right now, refusing to hide in the background of my thoughts at the moment) I decided to start there, to be observant of my thoughts, emotions, & words as they related to this particular relationship, and others, as the opportunities arose. I realized I often (but not always) found myself in judgement, picking them apart, shaking my head thinking THAT relationship was ridiculous and one of them was a total fucking idiot. You give it away to keep it. If this is what I was giving, no wonder I had been getting what I had been getting! My focus was on picking their relationship apart, finding everything fucked up about it, and thinking that's definitely not the kind of relationship I want. Wondering why the fuck they are still together anyways? So I started there, a conscious decision to notice and replace the thoughts rooted in judgement, anger, etc with thoughts rooted in Love, compassion, & understanding. To see the good in it, and to know, it was serving some kind of divine purpose.
To honor and respect other people's romantic relationships, because that's their contract. In doing that, I'm honoring my own. I'm creating relationships based upon honor, respect, & Love.
I realized today, that I had not in the slightest bit honored or respected the relationship she was in prior to meeting me. Easily forgetting every chance I could get where they were when I came into the picture. That was my first mistake... not taking a step back to honor and respect that relationship. To say you know, sounds like there is still some healing to be done. Maybe it's not a good time for us to start one of our own.
With Grace & Gratitude...
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Losing My Self In Relationships
I have difficulty not loosing myself in a relationship and being consumed by it. Things done daily become expected, and I loose my gratitude for them. So when the AREN'T done I'm like wtf. I feel J feels pressured to do things she's found herself doing daily, like good morning text messages and good night phone calls. Pressured to tip toe around my sensitivity. I don't need someone to cater to me. I need someone to be understanding and loving, but not cater. Catering to my sensitivities & insecurities, is not going to be what helps me grow. I jut told her maybe we should use this trip as a break from each other, to not talk till after the weekend is over. Maybe on her way back to MI? I did questions myself, and ask if this was me implementing my control issues? Security. I come to expect things from her that she does often. These daily things provide me a sense of security within the relationship, and when they don't happen I freak out. I get confused. Because what I expected to happen didn't. Fear of the unknown. My brain starts talking shit and I find myself in a tizzy. SO MUCH FEAR. I pulled some cards today... "New Love" - "Be open to changes in your current relationship. A rekindled passion or an ending making way for something better." (Not in those exact words) but my FIRST THOUGHT was... But I don't want a new relationship!!! I want this one! How do I know whether I want the next relationship or not? I have no idea! It could be the most amazing relationship of my life! lol I was denying the gifts of the universe. "What are you not receiving?" A question I was asked about a week ago. I'm not receiving what the universe is bringing to me. I pick and choose based on my understanding, perceptions, and predictions. I'm asking for something, then saying no thanks without. I HAVE NO TRUST. I'm denying magic & miracles, unless it's something I want. My wants (my ego) are getting in my way. Imagine that.
So what now? I think I'm gonna pick back up with Pia Medly's Co-dependency book. Not talk to J for a few days, and TRUST.
Love & Light,
Dottie
So what now? I think I'm gonna pick back up with Pia Medly's Co-dependency book. Not talk to J for a few days, and TRUST.
Love & Light,
Dottie
Thursday, November 10, 2011
I Couldn't Say It...
I yearn to right, but feel as if I've lost my muse. Where to start? What to say? I've yoga'd this morning. I'm officially a third of the person I used to be. I'm in love with my soul mate, and she came as a woman. Never in my life have I experienced a relationship like this, on so many different levels. I've never been able to voice my anger, terrified a fight would be the end all be all. Not wanting someone to know what they did upset me, because I'm stronger than that, they insinuates they have some control over me and my emotions, because it's probably just irrational and all my own bullshit. Who am I to throw that onto someone else? Being honest with yourself, in THAT moment. I kept identifying with thought. That calm, solid voice somehow welled up inside of me and I was guided to if I was going to identify with ANYTHING in that moment, identify with feeling, with body sensations. Where was it, and what did it feel like? I did just that. Looking into her eyes somehow has the ability to open my heart chakra like a flower. I can feel it. I smile, almost instantly, and she laughs because I "love looking at her" & she thinks I'm "wierd" :) lol. The spending so much time together is new to me. I find I sometimes begin to feel overwhelmed, like I need room to breathe, exacerbated by fears of her thinking things which just aren't true regarding why I feel I need "space" . I'm just not used to it. I fear getting bored, or co-dependent. I fear us getting tired of each other. It's time to figure out where I'm at in regards to relationships. To firmly know who I am. But can we? I believe we are constantly changing, growing, evolving. The moment I think I KNOW who I am, I will no longer be that person, I will have changed. Maybe it's more about being comfortable in who I am in THAT moment. I'm sensitive. I'm learning that. Super sensitive. I get my feelings hurt easily and like affection and I love you reminders :-/. I hate even typing that out. I get in my own head and create mountains out of mole hills and need someone I can freely share that information with so I don't do that. She gives me that. I'm utterly amazed sometimes at how we interact and react to each other. I notice how I've become conscious of the use of we, us, our. I usually use me and you, my and yours etc. I dunno, it's hard to put into words really. I'm grateful for it, and I'm often surprised at how much love I feel in my heart for her.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Break
"
There are moments, when only love exists in my heart. Then there are moments of release, of letting go, of a sadness. Reminding myself to stay in THIS moment. Not the moments that where. I wrote an journal entry the other day about what would I say if someone asked me in five years what this relationship was like, what would I say? I'd say it was beautiful. She was beautiful. It was one of the most expansive & phenomenol expieriences of my life. "It was the meeting of two kindred souls ready to know themselves more and understand what true love really was. We shared love and passion, anger, healing & hurt." Because that's what it was, and still is. Her being a woman, and the obstacles that would come along with that didn't even matter to me. Because whatever was flowing between us was so fucking divine, all the wordly bullshit didn't matter. We could face anything together. There was a strength about us as we stood side by side. I wasn't afraid, I was never afraid. B just asked, "Are you done hoping for a relationship with her?" I don't know. Never in my life had I expierenced such a deep connection to another human being. Apparently, neither one of us knew what to do with it. A mutual stillness. A basking in an energy so intense, it felt as if you couldn't speak. My heart tells me the best thing for us is a break, a serious break. A no contact break for a little while. Who knows how long. I've become so distracted. The computer is getting loud, B is texting me. It's okay. It's always okay. I'm okay right now.
Love & Light
Dottie
There are moments, when only love exists in my heart. Then there are moments of release, of letting go, of a sadness. Reminding myself to stay in THIS moment. Not the moments that where. I wrote an journal entry the other day about what would I say if someone asked me in five years what this relationship was like, what would I say? I'd say it was beautiful. She was beautiful. It was one of the most expansive & phenomenol expieriences of my life. "It was the meeting of two kindred souls ready to know themselves more and understand what true love really was. We shared love and passion, anger, healing & hurt." Because that's what it was, and still is. Her being a woman, and the obstacles that would come along with that didn't even matter to me. Because whatever was flowing between us was so fucking divine, all the wordly bullshit didn't matter. We could face anything together. There was a strength about us as we stood side by side. I wasn't afraid, I was never afraid. B just asked, "Are you done hoping for a relationship with her?" I don't know. Never in my life had I expierenced such a deep connection to another human being. Apparently, neither one of us knew what to do with it. A mutual stillness. A basking in an energy so intense, it felt as if you couldn't speak. My heart tells me the best thing for us is a break, a serious break. A no contact break for a little while. Who knows how long. I've become so distracted. The computer is getting loud, B is texting me. It's okay. It's always okay. I'm okay right now.
Love & Light
Dottie
Monday, September 5, 2011
Email of Love and Only Love
An email to a friend in July of 2010
Hello lovely :)
My apologies for it taking so long to write you back. I've read what you've written a couple times and seem to be at a loss for words. I know what it's like to be on both ends of the spetrum of post breakup get togethers ya know. Like I've been the one that wanted the break up and I've been the one that didn't. When you trutly love someone I think we ALWAYS love that person. Who knows maybe this is one of those things were you've been together for so long and one person feels the need to go out on their own only to realize they weren't missing much and come back and it's happily ever after. I know for me to be able to be someone's friend and ONLY their friend I had to have a period of time where I didn't communicate with that person. Like I had to get my thoughts and feelings together. There's a book that keeps popping in my head called "Being in Love" by Osho. It's been so long since I've read it I'm not even sure exactly why it might help but it keeps popping up.
My opnion I think what you two share or did share was very divine and pure. That kind of Love just is. It doesn't go anywhere we can't take it, deny it, and it's not ours to give. It's just there. Few people get to expierence that, and even if this doesn't work out for the rest of ya'lls lives take the lesson's and the Love and go forward. What a gift to have been able to share it. How to move forward? Not sure... I've done many different things to "let go and move on" I've wwritten out the good of our relationship, the bad, what I learned, what gifts he brought, and gave thanks just before asking God to help me heal. Seems there was nothing *I* could do to "let go" ... I read something just the other day I would like to read to you. It's from Byron Katie'...
"I once spoke with a man who had been doing "the Work" for a while. His wife fell in love with another man, and instead of going into sadness and panic, he questioned his thinking. "She should stay with me --- is it true? I can't know that. How do I react when I believe the thought. Extremely upset. Who would I be without the thought? I would love her and just want the best for her." This man really wanted to know the truth. When he question his thinking, he found something extremely precious. "eventually," he said, "I was able to see it as something that should be happeneing because it was. And I was able to say to my wife, "tell me everything about it, as if I were your best girlfriend." She didn't have to censor any of it to protect me. It was amazing to hear about her experience. I felt so much joy for her. It was the most liberating experience I ever had." His wife moved in with the other man, and he was fine with that, because he didn't want her to stay if she didn't want to. A few months later, his wife hit a crisis point with her new lover and needed someone to talk to. She went ot her best friend, her husband. They calmly discussed her options. He really lovbed her and just wanted her to be clear about what she wanted. She decided to get a place of her own where she could work things out and eventually she went back to her husband. Through all this, whenever the man found himself mentally at war with what was happening, and experiencing pain or fear, he inquired into the thought he was believing at that moment, and returned to a calm and cheerful state of mind. He came to know for himself that the only possible problem he could have was only his own uninvestigated thinking. His wife gave him everything he needed for his own freedom."
I think sometimes we get so caught up in how we think we are "suppose" to react or feel in a certain situation we don't even realize we are ACTUALLY feeling something else entirely. I that is often where our confusion lies.... How do we think we SHOULD feel, and how do we REALLY feel? Take it one day at a time, one moment at a time. If you want to call him, call him, if you don't feel like talking to him, don't. If you want to hug him, hug him. If you want to cry, cry. If you want to love him just because you can, because when we love someoen we are really the one that benefits the most, there's nothing like feeling love for someone totally and fully. He can't take what you feel for him away. So keep feeling it, and pray for the highest good of all concerned. :)
Feel free to email me right back. I hope you have an amazing day.
Love & Light
Dottie
P.S. So much for being at a "loss for words" :P
Hello lovely :)
My apologies for it taking so long to write you back. I've read what you've written a couple times and seem to be at a loss for words. I know what it's like to be on both ends of the spetrum of post breakup get togethers ya know. Like I've been the one that wanted the break up and I've been the one that didn't. When you trutly love someone I think we ALWAYS love that person. Who knows maybe this is one of those things were you've been together for so long and one person feels the need to go out on their own only to realize they weren't missing much and come back and it's happily ever after. I know for me to be able to be someone's friend and ONLY their friend I had to have a period of time where I didn't communicate with that person. Like I had to get my thoughts and feelings together. There's a book that keeps popping in my head called "Being in Love" by Osho. It's been so long since I've read it I'm not even sure exactly why it might help but it keeps popping up.
My opnion I think what you two share or did share was very divine and pure. That kind of Love just is. It doesn't go anywhere we can't take it, deny it, and it's not ours to give. It's just there. Few people get to expierence that, and even if this doesn't work out for the rest of ya'lls lives take the lesson's and the Love and go forward. What a gift to have been able to share it. How to move forward? Not sure... I've done many different things to "let go and move on" I've wwritten out the good of our relationship, the bad, what I learned, what gifts he brought, and gave thanks just before asking God to help me heal. Seems there was nothing *I* could do to "let go" ... I read something just the other day I would like to read to you. It's from Byron Katie'...
"I once spoke with a man who had been doing "the Work" for a while. His wife fell in love with another man, and instead of going into sadness and panic, he questioned his thinking. "She should stay with me --- is it true? I can't know that. How do I react when I believe the thought. Extremely upset. Who would I be without the thought? I would love her and just want the best for her." This man really wanted to know the truth. When he question his thinking, he found something extremely precious. "eventually," he said, "I was able to see it as something that should be happeneing because it was. And I was able to say to my wife, "tell me everything about it, as if I were your best girlfriend." She didn't have to censor any of it to protect me. It was amazing to hear about her experience. I felt so much joy for her. It was the most liberating experience I ever had." His wife moved in with the other man, and he was fine with that, because he didn't want her to stay if she didn't want to. A few months later, his wife hit a crisis point with her new lover and needed someone to talk to. She went ot her best friend, her husband. They calmly discussed her options. He really lovbed her and just wanted her to be clear about what she wanted. She decided to get a place of her own where she could work things out and eventually she went back to her husband. Through all this, whenever the man found himself mentally at war with what was happening, and experiencing pain or fear, he inquired into the thought he was believing at that moment, and returned to a calm and cheerful state of mind. He came to know for himself that the only possible problem he could have was only his own uninvestigated thinking. His wife gave him everything he needed for his own freedom."
I think sometimes we get so caught up in how we think we are "suppose" to react or feel in a certain situation we don't even realize we are ACTUALLY feeling something else entirely. I that is often where our confusion lies.... How do we think we SHOULD feel, and how do we REALLY feel? Take it one day at a time, one moment at a time. If you want to call him, call him, if you don't feel like talking to him, don't. If you want to hug him, hug him. If you want to cry, cry. If you want to love him just because you can, because when we love someoen we are really the one that benefits the most, there's nothing like feeling love for someone totally and fully. He can't take what you feel for him away. So keep feeling it, and pray for the highest good of all concerned. :)
Feel free to email me right back. I hope you have an amazing day.
Love & Light
Dottie
P.S. So much for being at a "loss for words" :P
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Rippling Thoughts
The jolt of clarity that has been the catalyst for life changing events hit me again today. As was listening to the first CD she gave me, almost mopey, wondering if she was going to text me when she got up, and replaying our conversations from yesterday. I realized I was not helping the situation.
I've done two things I've never done before. I asked the universe to bring about my desired outcome, and did so with grace and humility. Not from a place of fear, but of Love. It wasn't a "I deserve this" but was an "I am worth this" For once, I genuinely felt I was worth and capable of maintaining this deep emotional connection that some have never felt. The mind is a very powerful thing, each instant I'm thinking about her, how I want things to be, what I'm terrified of them becoming, or trying to figure it all out... my mind is sending ripples of energy out into the universe which are creating chaos constantly. Allowing my mind to go nuts is allowing my world to go nuts. An understanding came over me. My only feelings where of peace, and my only thoughts were of kindness towards myself to gently bring myself back every time I realized I was allowing my mind to run rampat. In doing this for myself, I was allowing kindness and love to flow to her. I guess this can be related to "getting out of your own way." A trust became apparent. A trust in something larger than myself, that everything was and would work out exactly as it should... my only job to ask for guidance and take that action as it is revealed to me. So often I stew over shit. I listen to the same few songs and stir emotions within myself. It's like at at that moment, every thing I had been talking for the last couple years was actually within my grasp to carry out. The art of letting go. I remember thinking, so THIS is what it feels like to "let go" but I did nothing. It was merely a realization that hit me, an a ha moment that I didn't HAVE to keep thinking, and it was best if I didn't.
Does this mean she was not the first thought that flooded my mind when I opened my eyes from my nap? Or my heart didn't sink for just a moment when I realized she hadn't text me today? No, but I took a breath and asked the universe to take be back to where I was earlier, a place of love and understanding.
It just realized how absolutely powerful the mind really is thus making it extremely important to keep it focused on something that will allow the healing and love to flow to the area you have sought healing for. In the most simple and ego-understandable sense it's like finding a distraction, but really it's deeper than that. It's a trust that it's all working out beautifully and as requested; while keeping the fear mind occupied with something much less important and energy consuming.
A conscious decision to focus on something else not out of fear of creating that which you don't want, but out of love that by re-directing your thoughts you are clearing the way for your desired outcome to come about. It's that simple, and that slight. A tiny thought change which makes way for everyday miracles.
Love & Light,
Dottie
I've done two things I've never done before. I asked the universe to bring about my desired outcome, and did so with grace and humility. Not from a place of fear, but of Love. It wasn't a "I deserve this" but was an "I am worth this" For once, I genuinely felt I was worth and capable of maintaining this deep emotional connection that some have never felt. The mind is a very powerful thing, each instant I'm thinking about her, how I want things to be, what I'm terrified of them becoming, or trying to figure it all out... my mind is sending ripples of energy out into the universe which are creating chaos constantly. Allowing my mind to go nuts is allowing my world to go nuts. An understanding came over me. My only feelings where of peace, and my only thoughts were of kindness towards myself to gently bring myself back every time I realized I was allowing my mind to run rampat. In doing this for myself, I was allowing kindness and love to flow to her. I guess this can be related to "getting out of your own way." A trust became apparent. A trust in something larger than myself, that everything was and would work out exactly as it should... my only job to ask for guidance and take that action as it is revealed to me. So often I stew over shit. I listen to the same few songs and stir emotions within myself. It's like at at that moment, every thing I had been talking for the last couple years was actually within my grasp to carry out. The art of letting go. I remember thinking, so THIS is what it feels like to "let go" but I did nothing. It was merely a realization that hit me, an a ha moment that I didn't HAVE to keep thinking, and it was best if I didn't.
Does this mean she was not the first thought that flooded my mind when I opened my eyes from my nap? Or my heart didn't sink for just a moment when I realized she hadn't text me today? No, but I took a breath and asked the universe to take be back to where I was earlier, a place of love and understanding.
It just realized how absolutely powerful the mind really is thus making it extremely important to keep it focused on something that will allow the healing and love to flow to the area you have sought healing for. In the most simple and ego-understandable sense it's like finding a distraction, but really it's deeper than that. It's a trust that it's all working out beautifully and as requested; while keeping the fear mind occupied with something much less important and energy consuming.
A conscious decision to focus on something else not out of fear of creating that which you don't want, but out of love that by re-directing your thoughts you are clearing the way for your desired outcome to come about. It's that simple, and that slight. A tiny thought change which makes way for everyday miracles.
Love & Light,
Dottie
Monday, June 13, 2011
Motives & Perceptions (Finally Published)
"What are you looking for?"
A question that stopped me in my tracks as I was going going and forth between S & J's facebok page. Checking out their recent activity, their status', clicking the links to any females pages I thought they may be "talking to"... who was this L chic anyway? They were at the gym together on the 9th. They are in a picture together at what looks like a wedding are they dating? He has his arm around her. Let me check her out, hmmm do I think she's pretty? She looks old. And who's these two new women J is friends with now? Did he meet her on POF? Am I his favorite? When where these pictures taken? How often do they interact with this or that femle... let's check the "see friendship" link. Dammit, why do people have their pages so "private" ... lame. (Yet, mine is private.)
What was I looking for? What am I looking for when I go through thier pages as if I'm on a scavanger hunt and the prize is oxygen? Validation. A go ahead. Something that leads me to believe that I am the only woman they are talking to or interested in. That I have no competition, because I'm extremely competitive, and I'm not used to loosing, and don't handle it well. I think there is a lot of truth to that. Wow. To take it a step further, could it be that I won't even fight for their attention because somewhere inside of me I feel like I"m going to loose anyway? A false belief that they will always choose the other woman. Because she's going to be better than me? In my head, the other woman is always prettier, less crazy, more adept at maintaining a relationship, and must know how to "date", she's probably had more practice than me. I easily allow other women to build or tear away at my self esteem. Wow, well here lies a newly revealed issue, I'm constantly comparing myself to other women. I'm either better than you, or you're better than me. I've been told my ENTIRE life that actions speak louder than words, I don't even listen to people. I just watch them, caue that's where the truth is right? But my perception of their actions squew's the truth. Just as their own motives & perceptions shape what they say, my own motives & perceptions shape what I see, and how I see it. J interacts with very few woman on fb, yet he comments on tons of my stuff... status's, photos, etc. He must like me more than any of the others right? Otherwise he wouldn't be all over my fb page, and then asking me about my pictures. I don't know that. Assumptions are dangerous.
What am I looking for? I ask again because I want to know if there is more. Reasons to be jealous, bitchy, and chaotic? Because isn't that just part of it? You get a little jealous so you have something to talk about with your girlfriends? Something to obsess about because I get bored? A superficial reflection. An excuse to not go to the REAL issue, the deeper issue. Because I feel like I've went there so many times and come back empty handed. I KNOW, I'm missing something, so when I muster up enough energy or the pain is so overwhelming, I revist that place. That invisible place inside of me that pushes me to indulge in obssesive, chaotic, & self-sabotaging behaviors. I said earlier that I've always come back empty handed, that's not true. I've been there hundreds of times and have brought up & released tons of stale old energy that no longer serves me. But it's like it's all on various shelves, and I've still got a few rows of stuff to sift through on the shelf labeled "Romantic Relationships" That makes me smile. It's funny. I like metaphors & I like being able to see something within my head, so I know where I'm at with it, and what's left to do. Funny thing is, why am I seeing it as a food pantry? With cans of food lining it? Twice yesterday, I sat to go within and within minutes I was "hungry" & reaching for food. I was clearly hearing guidance from my Spiritual teachers that I was about to eat my feelings. I wasn't not hungry. To put the food down, feel what I was feeling, and write it out. This would be an awesome blog to post, but I don't want either one of these fellas knowing to what extent I creeped their facebook page yesterday. I'm ashamed. It's that "But, I've been doing SOO GOOD!" feeling. Ego. Today is a different day. If yoga has taught me anything, it has taught me that everyday is different. Everyday my body is different, my mind is different, the setting is different (temp, people, placement of my mat within the room, the teacher, time, weather, etc) Today I may be able to hold that dragon pose for 10 breaths & smile, tomorrow I may come out of it in 3 breaths and PISSED. The point is...it's okay & always erfect, keep breathing. To give in to that which is. To see things as they are right now, now how I want them to be, wish them to be, or want to pretend they are... but exactly as they are, right now.
Love & Light
Dottie
A question that stopped me in my tracks as I was going going and forth between S & J's facebok page. Checking out their recent activity, their status', clicking the links to any females pages I thought they may be "talking to"... who was this L chic anyway? They were at the gym together on the 9th. They are in a picture together at what looks like a wedding are they dating? He has his arm around her. Let me check her out, hmmm do I think she's pretty? She looks old. And who's these two new women J is friends with now? Did he meet her on POF? Am I his favorite? When where these pictures taken? How often do they interact with this or that femle... let's check the "see friendship" link. Dammit, why do people have their pages so "private" ... lame. (Yet, mine is private.)
What was I looking for? What am I looking for when I go through thier pages as if I'm on a scavanger hunt and the prize is oxygen? Validation. A go ahead. Something that leads me to believe that I am the only woman they are talking to or interested in. That I have no competition, because I'm extremely competitive, and I'm not used to loosing, and don't handle it well. I think there is a lot of truth to that. Wow. To take it a step further, could it be that I won't even fight for their attention because somewhere inside of me I feel like I"m going to loose anyway? A false belief that they will always choose the other woman. Because she's going to be better than me? In my head, the other woman is always prettier, less crazy, more adept at maintaining a relationship, and must know how to "date", she's probably had more practice than me. I easily allow other women to build or tear away at my self esteem. Wow, well here lies a newly revealed issue, I'm constantly comparing myself to other women. I'm either better than you, or you're better than me. I've been told my ENTIRE life that actions speak louder than words, I don't even listen to people. I just watch them, caue that's where the truth is right? But my perception of their actions squew's the truth. Just as their own motives & perceptions shape what they say, my own motives & perceptions shape what I see, and how I see it. J interacts with very few woman on fb, yet he comments on tons of my stuff... status's, photos, etc. He must like me more than any of the others right? Otherwise he wouldn't be all over my fb page, and then asking me about my pictures. I don't know that. Assumptions are dangerous.
What am I looking for? I ask again because I want to know if there is more. Reasons to be jealous, bitchy, and chaotic? Because isn't that just part of it? You get a little jealous so you have something to talk about with your girlfriends? Something to obsess about because I get bored? A superficial reflection. An excuse to not go to the REAL issue, the deeper issue. Because I feel like I've went there so many times and come back empty handed. I KNOW, I'm missing something, so when I muster up enough energy or the pain is so overwhelming, I revist that place. That invisible place inside of me that pushes me to indulge in obssesive, chaotic, & self-sabotaging behaviors. I said earlier that I've always come back empty handed, that's not true. I've been there hundreds of times and have brought up & released tons of stale old energy that no longer serves me. But it's like it's all on various shelves, and I've still got a few rows of stuff to sift through on the shelf labeled "Romantic Relationships" That makes me smile. It's funny. I like metaphors & I like being able to see something within my head, so I know where I'm at with it, and what's left to do. Funny thing is, why am I seeing it as a food pantry? With cans of food lining it? Twice yesterday, I sat to go within and within minutes I was "hungry" & reaching for food. I was clearly hearing guidance from my Spiritual teachers that I was about to eat my feelings. I wasn't not hungry. To put the food down, feel what I was feeling, and write it out. This would be an awesome blog to post, but I don't want either one of these fellas knowing to what extent I creeped their facebook page yesterday. I'm ashamed. It's that "But, I've been doing SOO GOOD!" feeling. Ego. Today is a different day. If yoga has taught me anything, it has taught me that everyday is different. Everyday my body is different, my mind is different, the setting is different (temp, people, placement of my mat within the room, the teacher, time, weather, etc) Today I may be able to hold that dragon pose for 10 breaths & smile, tomorrow I may come out of it in 3 breaths and PISSED. The point is...it's okay & always erfect, keep breathing. To give in to that which is. To see things as they are right now, now how I want them to be, wish them to be, or want to pretend they are... but exactly as they are, right now.
Love & Light
Dottie
Sunday, June 12, 2011
I've Learned, Thank God.
A desire to stimulate my mind. I want to read, but nothing that has anything to do with learning. I thought about re-reading The Shack, but remembered I let a friend borrow my copy. I don't want anything to deep with philosophical meaning, but not fiction either. The Shack would have been perfect, apparently though, it's not what I was suppose to be doing right now.
"Eerything will be, what it's suppose to be."
Althougth I've heard that hundreds of times, it's full meaning has finally began to bring about a peace within me for the past several weeks. Before I logically believed, but did not soulfully feel it to be true. I "got it" but fear still reigned. Along with anxiety and attempts at manipulating my actions in attempts to bring about my desired result, which failed quite a few times.
What do I feel right now? A trust I've never felt before. Secure, emotional, tired. Now I'm frustrated, like I'm not saying what I really want to say, like I"m censoring so it sounds good... forget all that junk. From the heart is always best :) What I really want to say is that I'm proud of myself. I've learned. I've cried. I've journaled & meditated. Yoga'd & prayed. Through all of this, slowly I've found peace. A willingness and ability to let go and let things unfold. A miracle. The one man I'v always feared would bring me to my knees every single time, destroying any progress I had made, didn't. After all, he had every other time for the last 10 years, but not this time. I asked for a miracle, and before I returned that email with my number I prayed & mediated for almost an hour. I prayed that Love prevail, not fear. That healing happen on both sides, and it last as long as it was beneficial. It lasted 6 hours, that's how long the phone call was, the first contact in over 2 years, deep life changing conversation, like we had never missed a beat. Because that's what we do. Then it was gone. But the miracle here, was and is.... that I'm okay with that. If I never speak to him again, I'm okay with that. Four years ago, I came to a point with my father that I said, you know what...I love him, I always have, and always will... I'm going to continue loving him. He can come and go in and out of my life as much as he needs to, and it's not going to bother me, because it's not about me and I love him. I made that decision a few weeks ago, and realized today that I've not cried, obssessed, consulted a hundred friends, oracle cards... blah blah blah... I've made progress. I trusted the guidance I recieved from my higher self and the God of my understanding. Just as I have asked, I have healed, grown, & changed, and I'm so grateful for it. How I got here, I'm not positive. But I can tell you that after exhausting myself pushing to create on my own, I finally gave up & gave in. I cried, sometimes hysterical crying. I journaled until I couldn't write anymore, and listened closest to the things I didn't want to hear most. I sat with folded arms, angry wanting nothing more than to tell the person to SHUT THE FUCK UP, I DON"T WANT TO HEAR IT. But more than I wanted to do that, I wanted to heal. I wanted to stop hurting. I wanted to learn the lessons presented in the repeating cycles of my love life. I was sent a handful of men to teach me things about myself, and I cried more. Temporary moments of regret & pain. Then soul cleansing tears, of which I had waited for years to feel. A beautiful release.
I sit here in awe, reflecting back on how I used to interact with men, and how I do now. All I think is WOW. I am patient now, knowing that everything will be what it's meant to be, whether its a learning expierence, a friendship, a heartbreak, a life long love.... it is going to be that. There is nothing I can do to speed it up, or do to make it NOT happen. In accepting that I obsses, seek to control and predict, & get over excited and put too much in too quick, I watched it dissipate. A realization that I am the way I am for a reason, and when that reason is done serving it's purpose, I will no longer be like that. I breathe. A freedom so delicate that any attempts at going to GET IT, causes it to fade, like white smoke... but if I sit there long enough, through the pain, the exhaustion, the frustration, the desire & tears, the gratitude, then relase then slowly it will come to me. Engulf me and find it's niche within my soul. Sporadic set backs may happen, and there may be those moments of fear, but that's okay. After all... it is about progress not perfection.
Love & Light
Dottie
"Eerything will be, what it's suppose to be."
Althougth I've heard that hundreds of times, it's full meaning has finally began to bring about a peace within me for the past several weeks. Before I logically believed, but did not soulfully feel it to be true. I "got it" but fear still reigned. Along with anxiety and attempts at manipulating my actions in attempts to bring about my desired result, which failed quite a few times.
What do I feel right now? A trust I've never felt before. Secure, emotional, tired. Now I'm frustrated, like I'm not saying what I really want to say, like I"m censoring so it sounds good... forget all that junk. From the heart is always best :) What I really want to say is that I'm proud of myself. I've learned. I've cried. I've journaled & meditated. Yoga'd & prayed. Through all of this, slowly I've found peace. A willingness and ability to let go and let things unfold. A miracle. The one man I'v always feared would bring me to my knees every single time, destroying any progress I had made, didn't. After all, he had every other time for the last 10 years, but not this time. I asked for a miracle, and before I returned that email with my number I prayed & mediated for almost an hour. I prayed that Love prevail, not fear. That healing happen on both sides, and it last as long as it was beneficial. It lasted 6 hours, that's how long the phone call was, the first contact in over 2 years, deep life changing conversation, like we had never missed a beat. Because that's what we do. Then it was gone. But the miracle here, was and is.... that I'm okay with that. If I never speak to him again, I'm okay with that. Four years ago, I came to a point with my father that I said, you know what...I love him, I always have, and always will... I'm going to continue loving him. He can come and go in and out of my life as much as he needs to, and it's not going to bother me, because it's not about me and I love him. I made that decision a few weeks ago, and realized today that I've not cried, obssessed, consulted a hundred friends, oracle cards... blah blah blah... I've made progress. I trusted the guidance I recieved from my higher self and the God of my understanding. Just as I have asked, I have healed, grown, & changed, and I'm so grateful for it. How I got here, I'm not positive. But I can tell you that after exhausting myself pushing to create on my own, I finally gave up & gave in. I cried, sometimes hysterical crying. I journaled until I couldn't write anymore, and listened closest to the things I didn't want to hear most. I sat with folded arms, angry wanting nothing more than to tell the person to SHUT THE FUCK UP, I DON"T WANT TO HEAR IT. But more than I wanted to do that, I wanted to heal. I wanted to stop hurting. I wanted to learn the lessons presented in the repeating cycles of my love life. I was sent a handful of men to teach me things about myself, and I cried more. Temporary moments of regret & pain. Then soul cleansing tears, of which I had waited for years to feel. A beautiful release.
I sit here in awe, reflecting back on how I used to interact with men, and how I do now. All I think is WOW. I am patient now, knowing that everything will be what it's meant to be, whether its a learning expierence, a friendship, a heartbreak, a life long love.... it is going to be that. There is nothing I can do to speed it up, or do to make it NOT happen. In accepting that I obsses, seek to control and predict, & get over excited and put too much in too quick, I watched it dissipate. A realization that I am the way I am for a reason, and when that reason is done serving it's purpose, I will no longer be like that. I breathe. A freedom so delicate that any attempts at going to GET IT, causes it to fade, like white smoke... but if I sit there long enough, through the pain, the exhaustion, the frustration, the desire & tears, the gratitude, then relase then slowly it will come to me. Engulf me and find it's niche within my soul. Sporadic set backs may happen, and there may be those moments of fear, but that's okay. After all... it is about progress not perfection.
Love & Light
Dottie
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Progress
"If you think you are doing something, you probably are."
I heard this a handful of times as I sat at a chinese buffet. When I thought, I think I'm eating my feelings....
I didn't eat too terribly. I physically cannot stomach the amount of food I was once able too. Progress. So, naturally my next question, as I began to slow down, was what feelings am I eating? I knew exactly what they were... my aggravations with myself for not remaing true to my wants and needs. I needed to study, I didn't want him to come over today. Hell, I didn't want him sleeping here last night. I laid awake in my own bed wanting him OUT of it so I could get comfortable and back on my side. I had given up my wants and needs to make him more comfortable, and I was pissed at myself. Why couldn't I just tell him to go home? Like he told me 3 days ago when I feel asleep in his bed? Boundaries. The fear, how long would I be able to hold out without having sex with him? I was riding a very fine line, I still am I guess... and I know it. He called today and said he was coming over, I told him I had planned on studying because I had a final; he said he was coming over anyway, I said I was going to take a nap, he said to leave the back door open... I don't think the words no ever came out of my mouth, but there was a moment of silence where I couldn't say anything, and a million thoughts ran through my head. So I laid in my bed, now slightly uncomfortable, anticipating his arrival only to wake up over an hour and him not here. I called him and he said he was only joking about coming over. I was pissed, but of course he would have never known. Changing my behaviors in attempts to change someone elses behaviors is something I've been guilty of for some time. My tendency to do this is subsiding but periodically I catch my self doing it. Often, I don't get the reaction or results I was expecting. Which causes me to be angry at myself. Soemtimes, I think that is the most dangerous kind of anger there is. A seperation of self. Two enemies locked in the same room. There is going to be tension, and I'm going to search for an escape. Two forces driving me in opposite directions, each trying to hide from the other. It all meshes together. The next thing I know, I'm in addict mode doing what addicts do best... self-destructing. But by God's grace, not today :)
Back to peace. I breathe. Everything is just as it should be, now and always... and it will be whatever it is meant to be. At one point in my life, I would ask for guidance, get it, trust it and carry it out... only to not have my desires come to fruition. I began to doubt myself. Slowly, I began to realize, that my desires are not always whats best for me. There is a plan to things, a rhyme and reason to things working out a certain way, and when I ask for guidance, I'm going to get the guidance which will help carry THAT out, the will of the universe I suppose. I'm so grateful for the patience I have today, for my ability to find that space within me that just knows... everything truly is working out for the best, and it's all okay. It really is. Sometimes it seems I can only sit within that space for a moment, but it's long enough to remind me its there. I can feel it now. A peace. A knowing. An open flow of energy moving within it so it doesn't shake me. There is comfort in this space, a freedom in knowing I don't have to figure everything out, nor do I have to exhaust myself carrying out various actions that may or may not work or be right. It all seems to fall together. As if my intention of Love & healing is enough... I end up exactly where I'm suppose to be doing exactly what I'm suppose to be doing without even realizing it, until I'm there. Everything is beautiful right now. What a miracle it is to be in this space a little longer and a little longer each time. What a miracle it is to be able to come back here instead of go back there.
Love & Light
Dottie
I heard this a handful of times as I sat at a chinese buffet. When I thought, I think I'm eating my feelings....
I didn't eat too terribly. I physically cannot stomach the amount of food I was once able too. Progress. So, naturally my next question, as I began to slow down, was what feelings am I eating? I knew exactly what they were... my aggravations with myself for not remaing true to my wants and needs. I needed to study, I didn't want him to come over today. Hell, I didn't want him sleeping here last night. I laid awake in my own bed wanting him OUT of it so I could get comfortable and back on my side. I had given up my wants and needs to make him more comfortable, and I was pissed at myself. Why couldn't I just tell him to go home? Like he told me 3 days ago when I feel asleep in his bed? Boundaries. The fear, how long would I be able to hold out without having sex with him? I was riding a very fine line, I still am I guess... and I know it. He called today and said he was coming over, I told him I had planned on studying because I had a final; he said he was coming over anyway, I said I was going to take a nap, he said to leave the back door open... I don't think the words no ever came out of my mouth, but there was a moment of silence where I couldn't say anything, and a million thoughts ran through my head. So I laid in my bed, now slightly uncomfortable, anticipating his arrival only to wake up over an hour and him not here. I called him and he said he was only joking about coming over. I was pissed, but of course he would have never known. Changing my behaviors in attempts to change someone elses behaviors is something I've been guilty of for some time. My tendency to do this is subsiding but periodically I catch my self doing it. Often, I don't get the reaction or results I was expecting. Which causes me to be angry at myself. Soemtimes, I think that is the most dangerous kind of anger there is. A seperation of self. Two enemies locked in the same room. There is going to be tension, and I'm going to search for an escape. Two forces driving me in opposite directions, each trying to hide from the other. It all meshes together. The next thing I know, I'm in addict mode doing what addicts do best... self-destructing. But by God's grace, not today :)
Back to peace. I breathe. Everything is just as it should be, now and always... and it will be whatever it is meant to be. At one point in my life, I would ask for guidance, get it, trust it and carry it out... only to not have my desires come to fruition. I began to doubt myself. Slowly, I began to realize, that my desires are not always whats best for me. There is a plan to things, a rhyme and reason to things working out a certain way, and when I ask for guidance, I'm going to get the guidance which will help carry THAT out, the will of the universe I suppose. I'm so grateful for the patience I have today, for my ability to find that space within me that just knows... everything truly is working out for the best, and it's all okay. It really is. Sometimes it seems I can only sit within that space for a moment, but it's long enough to remind me its there. I can feel it now. A peace. A knowing. An open flow of energy moving within it so it doesn't shake me. There is comfort in this space, a freedom in knowing I don't have to figure everything out, nor do I have to exhaust myself carrying out various actions that may or may not work or be right. It all seems to fall together. As if my intention of Love & healing is enough... I end up exactly where I'm suppose to be doing exactly what I'm suppose to be doing without even realizing it, until I'm there. Everything is beautiful right now. What a miracle it is to be in this space a little longer and a little longer each time. What a miracle it is to be able to come back here instead of go back there.
Love & Light
Dottie
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Relationships: Learning Through Self-Induced Humility
"You don't have time for dates..." - What my Uncle said to me when he asked where I had been, and I told him.
Now that I'm here, I don't want to write. As if the truth were to delicate or would invoke too much humility. Sometimes I just want to say on my pof profile Hi, I'm Dottie. I've never seen a healthy relationship in my life, let alone be IN one. I've come a long way, but I'm still fairly immature. I get scared. I think second dates should be mandatory because the first one's are so awkward. What I want changes daily, sometimes hourly. Depending on my mood. It goes from wanting a committed relationship to friends with benefits. I remind myself of how the latter has never worked for me, I always get attached, maybe I should try the former. I want to put up a DISCLAIMER that reads: I get excited easily. I either really like you or really don't. I'll probably text or call you too much, and make myself too available. I'll be too honest too quick, and you won't be able to handle it. I'll probably come off as tough at first, too tough, and recoil the first time you try and touch me, even if it' just to hold my hand. But I try real hard to NOT do these things, which you'll probably pick up as me being quiet or boring, when really I'm quite the opposite. I feel like who I am is exactly the opposite of how I should act when dating someone, then I feel like a hippocrite. I'm indecisive and compulsive. I don't know what I want in a guy, but I could tell you what don't.
All signs point to the probability that a relationshipsis not in the cards for me right now, but I'm stubborn. (Guess I should probably go back and put that in the disclaimer) I'm looking for someone to prove Billie and myself wrong. I'm crying right now, because I'm frustrated. Because I know the only option is surrender, but I can' do it, not today. Maybe tomorrow, all I can do today is pray for the willingness. The willingess to release this one last aspect of my life to a Divine Intelligence that rotates the moons and stars and turns a microscopic sperm & egg into a human being. Because history has proven that when I let something go, things fall together better than I could have ever imagined. Right now I feel as if I'm making a sand castle and the tide is coming in. I watch my progress dissappear almost to nothing, but frantically try to rebuild and build more. When the pain gets great enough, I'll let go. Right now, I'm stuck in I want, I want... and I'm causing myself some unneccesary grief.
The lesson here is this, I can't always get what I want, because sometimes what I want isn't what's best for me. It's about trust & patience.
Love & Light
Dottie
Now that I'm here, I don't want to write. As if the truth were to delicate or would invoke too much humility. Sometimes I just want to say on my pof profile Hi, I'm Dottie. I've never seen a healthy relationship in my life, let alone be IN one. I've come a long way, but I'm still fairly immature. I get scared. I think second dates should be mandatory because the first one's are so awkward. What I want changes daily, sometimes hourly. Depending on my mood. It goes from wanting a committed relationship to friends with benefits. I remind myself of how the latter has never worked for me, I always get attached, maybe I should try the former. I want to put up a DISCLAIMER that reads: I get excited easily. I either really like you or really don't. I'll probably text or call you too much, and make myself too available. I'll be too honest too quick, and you won't be able to handle it. I'll probably come off as tough at first, too tough, and recoil the first time you try and touch me, even if it' just to hold my hand. But I try real hard to NOT do these things, which you'll probably pick up as me being quiet or boring, when really I'm quite the opposite. I feel like who I am is exactly the opposite of how I should act when dating someone, then I feel like a hippocrite. I'm indecisive and compulsive. I don't know what I want in a guy, but I could tell you what don't.
All signs point to the probability that a relationshipsis not in the cards for me right now, but I'm stubborn. (Guess I should probably go back and put that in the disclaimer) I'm looking for someone to prove Billie and myself wrong. I'm crying right now, because I'm frustrated. Because I know the only option is surrender, but I can' do it, not today. Maybe tomorrow, all I can do today is pray for the willingness. The willingess to release this one last aspect of my life to a Divine Intelligence that rotates the moons and stars and turns a microscopic sperm & egg into a human being. Because history has proven that when I let something go, things fall together better than I could have ever imagined. Right now I feel as if I'm making a sand castle and the tide is coming in. I watch my progress dissappear almost to nothing, but frantically try to rebuild and build more. When the pain gets great enough, I'll let go. Right now, I'm stuck in I want, I want... and I'm causing myself some unneccesary grief.
The lesson here is this, I can't always get what I want, because sometimes what I want isn't what's best for me. It's about trust & patience.
Love & Light
Dottie
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
And the Lesson Here Is... (part 2)
"You can't always get what you want."
Sounds cliche right? Well, those words came from a very intuitive woman whom I respect & trust tremendously as my teacher, mentor, and friend. And after reading part 1, the irony should just make you laugh. Considering my last paragraph was all about getting going after and getting what I want. I had been asking God what it was I was suppose to be learning, so when without even being prompted Billie asked, "Do you want me to tell you what the lesson is?" I replied with an enthusiastic yes. "You can't always get what you want." I just sat back in my chair, folded, my arms and told her, "You know that's NOT what I want to hear right?" My mind was flooded with glimpses of various moments in time; me telling my boss, "You know I can't stand for things not to go my way." A line in a blog I had just wrote earlier in the day, "I realized this morning that I am a woman who goes and gets what she wants. I make things happen. I decide to do something and I do it" Me always asking myself, "What do I want? What do I really want?" The blog, Love is My Weakness. ... All these things and more flooded my head, and I knew what she had just said, was absolutely true.
I am very used to always getting what I want, and when that doesn't happen, I'm dumbfounded. Like there must be a gliche somewhere. I obsess, analyze, and exhaust myself trying to figure out what went wrong, and usually blame myself. The funny thing is, this just seems to happen with relationships. When I was denied admission to the first, second, and third nursing programs I applied too, there was a very brief disappointment, quickley followed by an "It's okay. Really. It just wasn't meant to be. God has something better planned" But for whatever reason, I have REAL difficulty embracing that when it comes to relationships.
The truth is, right now I just want something to hold me over. Someone to kill some time with, go out and have fun with. I don't feel marriage or a significant ground breaking realtionship is around the corner. I don't want ot put forth tons of effort into any relationship right now because I know it's not going to be worth it, nor do I really have the extra time or energy! What I want, and what's best for me are sometimes not the same. But I find myself putting forth more than expected because I feel like I"m suppose to, because I get over excited, it's a rush. The addict in me starts jumping up and down, ready to go outside and play and then a moment of clarity. Fuck. I haven't studied, I need to do laundry, and now the high is subsiding. My psychiatrist once told me I was an endorphin junkie. It was never about any specific drug, drink, or action it was about that surge of chemicals released in my brain when I got super excited or physically hurt. I think there is a lot of truth to with that. I've managed to re-route this on many levels. Exercise induced pain & soreness; the excitement of "a ha!" moments along my spiritual path, and the obsession to know myself more.
Maybe it's simple, because it usually is. I know deep down, it's just not part of the plan right now. The answer is to just let it be, as it is. stop "trying", stop "doing", stop "analyzing, journaling, and thinking" lol. Yet, up until right now I was ttrying to pick up just a little bit to take with me. A child begging their parents at the supermarket for some candy. Like God is telling me not right now and I'm like, well how about this one? I don't have to have THAT one? Or just a little bit, or a piece? Can't I just take some with me just incase I need it later? :-/.... It really is hysterical. I literally just sit here and shake my head as I type. I want everything. I want my cake and to eat it too. I want to bust out A's in nursing school, work, lose weight, make money, and have a relationship.
Okay, I'm done. I get it. Now, let me go sit with this in meditation to fully embody this so I'm not sitting right here in 12 hours blogging about the same shit. :-) With more gratitude & Joy than I can even express right now I say this in all seriousness & genuine smile on my face... I love my life, my path, & myself. This is one amazing journey, it's like I can see the finish line to total liberation from addictive tendencies and I couldn't be more thrilled.
Love & Light
Dottie
Sounds cliche right? Well, those words came from a very intuitive woman whom I respect & trust tremendously as my teacher, mentor, and friend. And after reading part 1, the irony should just make you laugh. Considering my last paragraph was all about getting going after and getting what I want. I had been asking God what it was I was suppose to be learning, so when without even being prompted Billie asked, "Do you want me to tell you what the lesson is?" I replied with an enthusiastic yes. "You can't always get what you want." I just sat back in my chair, folded, my arms and told her, "You know that's NOT what I want to hear right?" My mind was flooded with glimpses of various moments in time; me telling my boss, "You know I can't stand for things not to go my way." A line in a blog I had just wrote earlier in the day, "I realized this morning that I am a woman who goes and gets what she wants. I make things happen. I decide to do something and I do it" Me always asking myself, "What do I want? What do I really want?" The blog, Love is My Weakness. ... All these things and more flooded my head, and I knew what she had just said, was absolutely true.
I am very used to always getting what I want, and when that doesn't happen, I'm dumbfounded. Like there must be a gliche somewhere. I obsess, analyze, and exhaust myself trying to figure out what went wrong, and usually blame myself. The funny thing is, this just seems to happen with relationships. When I was denied admission to the first, second, and third nursing programs I applied too, there was a very brief disappointment, quickley followed by an "It's okay. Really. It just wasn't meant to be. God has something better planned" But for whatever reason, I have REAL difficulty embracing that when it comes to relationships.
The truth is, right now I just want something to hold me over. Someone to kill some time with, go out and have fun with. I don't feel marriage or a significant ground breaking realtionship is around the corner. I don't want ot put forth tons of effort into any relationship right now because I know it's not going to be worth it, nor do I really have the extra time or energy! What I want, and what's best for me are sometimes not the same. But I find myself putting forth more than expected because I feel like I"m suppose to, because I get over excited, it's a rush. The addict in me starts jumping up and down, ready to go outside and play and then a moment of clarity. Fuck. I haven't studied, I need to do laundry, and now the high is subsiding. My psychiatrist once told me I was an endorphin junkie. It was never about any specific drug, drink, or action it was about that surge of chemicals released in my brain when I got super excited or physically hurt. I think there is a lot of truth to with that. I've managed to re-route this on many levels. Exercise induced pain & soreness; the excitement of "a ha!" moments along my spiritual path, and the obsession to know myself more.
Maybe it's simple, because it usually is. I know deep down, it's just not part of the plan right now. The answer is to just let it be, as it is. stop "trying", stop "doing", stop "analyzing, journaling, and thinking" lol. Yet, up until right now I was ttrying to pick up just a little bit to take with me. A child begging their parents at the supermarket for some candy. Like God is telling me not right now and I'm like, well how about this one? I don't have to have THAT one? Or just a little bit, or a piece? Can't I just take some with me just incase I need it later? :-/.... It really is hysterical. I literally just sit here and shake my head as I type. I want everything. I want my cake and to eat it too. I want to bust out A's in nursing school, work, lose weight, make money, and have a relationship.
Okay, I'm done. I get it. Now, let me go sit with this in meditation to fully embody this so I'm not sitting right here in 12 hours blogging about the same shit. :-) With more gratitude & Joy than I can even express right now I say this in all seriousness & genuine smile on my face... I love my life, my path, & myself. This is one amazing journey, it's like I can see the finish line to total liberation from addictive tendencies and I couldn't be more thrilled.
Love & Light
Dottie
Monday, May 23, 2011
And the Lesson Here Is... (part 1)
SCORE! The hospital allows access to blogspot. I was told I could come down here and research. Well with research comes reflection, and the school of life is always teaching me something, so here I am. Researching the truth of what is along with my inner most thoughts, desires, and fears. Reflecting. A graceful, humble request of growth.
"Ohh grey area. Where are you? Would I even recognize you if I saw you? Not sure we've met, ever."
My facebook status. I awoke this morning at 5am from by far one of the best sleeps I have had in a very long time. I laid there in the dark for a little while, basking in the stillness & comfort of a peaceful nights rest. Then I picked up my pen and journaled. When a day starts of with quiet reflection I can be fairly confident the rest of the day will follow suit. So often I find myself simply surrendering to my urge to write with little or no knowledge as to what I'm going to write about, and today, this is where it took me...
How often have we been told by friends, family, and "experts" what is best to do and act when pursuing or starting a relationship. "Let him chase you, men are natural hunters." "Stay feminine." "Don't sleep with him too soon." "Don't scare him away with these certain terms... x,y,z." "He should pay." My head has been jammed packed with shit from my father telling me as long as I could remember that, "Boys only want one thing," to last months issue of cosmo telling me about "20 secrets men keep" & "How to stay the center of attention." O.o Sure, I've heard "Just have fun" & "Be yourself" but what if they conflict? A choice has to be made.
I needed to be completely an totally honest with myself. What did I want? How bad do I want it?
I realized this morning that I am a woman who goes and gets what she wants. I make things happen. I decide to do something and I do it. I wanted to be a nurse, I became a nurse. I wanted to get sober, I got sober. I wanted to loose weight, two years later... I'm 65lbs lighter. The more obstacles, the more I push. I find extreme joy and strength in overcoming hardships and weaknesses. Failure is a decision, failure only happens when decide to not try again. I don't like to fail. I've never failed at anything....
....and then I just stopped writing.
"Ohh grey area. Where are you? Would I even recognize you if I saw you? Not sure we've met, ever."
My facebook status. I awoke this morning at 5am from by far one of the best sleeps I have had in a very long time. I laid there in the dark for a little while, basking in the stillness & comfort of a peaceful nights rest. Then I picked up my pen and journaled. When a day starts of with quiet reflection I can be fairly confident the rest of the day will follow suit. So often I find myself simply surrendering to my urge to write with little or no knowledge as to what I'm going to write about, and today, this is where it took me...
How often have we been told by friends, family, and "experts" what is best to do and act when pursuing or starting a relationship. "Let him chase you, men are natural hunters." "Stay feminine." "Don't sleep with him too soon." "Don't scare him away with these certain terms... x,y,z." "He should pay." My head has been jammed packed with shit from my father telling me as long as I could remember that, "Boys only want one thing," to last months issue of cosmo telling me about "20 secrets men keep" & "How to stay the center of attention." O.o Sure, I've heard "Just have fun" & "Be yourself" but what if they conflict? A choice has to be made.
I needed to be completely an totally honest with myself. What did I want? How bad do I want it?
I realized this morning that I am a woman who goes and gets what she wants. I make things happen. I decide to do something and I do it. I wanted to be a nurse, I became a nurse. I wanted to get sober, I got sober. I wanted to loose weight, two years later... I'm 65lbs lighter. The more obstacles, the more I push. I find extreme joy and strength in overcoming hardships and weaknesses. Failure is a decision, failure only happens when decide to not try again. I don't like to fail. I've never failed at anything....
....and then I just stopped writing.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Accepting the Things I Cannot Change
There are many things in my life I can control... but what people do or say, isn't one of them. I can't make anyone act a certain way and my attempts at imposing this control creates imbalance and chaos in my life. Everything happens for a reason. When something is all over, I can say that it happened exactly the way it was suppose to happen. So, I can take that belief and say everything is happening right now, just as it is suppose to. Patience. I'm learning. Breathe. I've asked the universe to show me how to let go of my tendencies to control, manipulate, people's reactions. I've also asked to be freed from my tendencies to control/predict the outcome. I think of a hundred different scenarios and try to conjure up what I think my best reaction would be for each scenario. It's exhausting. So much energy is spent on all the possibilities instead of the realities. I am doing the best I know how to do right now. I can forgive myself because I was always acting in the best way I knew how. As long as I truly do my best, what more can I ask of myself? I'm okay with mine and her friendship ending. I have no desire right now to have a close relationship with her. Here's a cycle, me going to drastic measures because I won't say "Hey, I'd rather us just not be friends anymore." or "Hey, I really don't want to run 12 steps and beyond anymore" or "I'm gonna just walk out on my job because I really don't want to work here anymore, but don't want to go about the whole drawn out process. I act upon something where I know without a doubt, the other person will give me what I want. < That's a powerful statement. I do not regret anythhing that has happened. It's about being aware of my wants and needs, and being able to express them before I go to drastic measures. I saw 1554 and knew it was very significant... I just looked it up "You're expierencing a significant life change right now, and it's essential that you stay positive. Trust and know that this change is for the best. Angels are with you, call upon them for help, guidance, and feelings of love and security." - Makes me just shake my head, because I know how true that is. I've felt their angelic presence for several days now, stronger than I have probably... ever. There are more than usual, and I've talked to them about aeverything... I've chosen to talk to them as opposed to a friend. Because I want only love to come from me. and when it doesn't, I know they transmute it so only love goes out into the world. Something keeps telling me he is going to text or call soon, and could be as soon as tonight. However, I've continued about my business... if he calls he calls, if not he doesn't. I haven't allowed myself to do anything differntly "just incase" he calls... doing so makes me angry at myself. I don't want to hold grudges against myself anymore. That line made me smile. I also don't want ot entertain the thoughts of predicting what his next move will be, its that whole thinking of every possible scenario I can to prepare as much as possible. Something's in life cannot be prepared for, probably the best things. The piano in this song seems to float into my soul. How do I know my life would be better with him in it? My days of being rejected are over. I'm tired, but I am grateful. I am becoming the women I was always meant to be... complete, whole, and healthy. Thank you God. Amen.
Also, we don't know what people's intentions are unless they tell us. I don't know how someone is feeling, or what they are thinking... things I can't control, but spend sooooo much energy trying to do so. God please remove my obsessive thoughts so my energy can be used in loving service to others.
Namaste
Dottie
Also, we don't know what people's intentions are unless they tell us. I don't know how someone is feeling, or what they are thinking... things I can't control, but spend sooooo much energy trying to do so. God please remove my obsessive thoughts so my energy can be used in loving service to others.
Namaste
Dottie
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