A desire to stimulate my mind. I want to read, but nothing that has anything to do with learning. I thought about re-reading The Shack, but remembered I let a friend borrow my copy. I don't want anything to deep with philosophical meaning, but not fiction either. The Shack would have been perfect, apparently though, it's not what I was suppose to be doing right now.
"Eerything will be, what it's suppose to be."
Althougth I've heard that hundreds of times, it's full meaning has finally began to bring about a peace within me for the past several weeks. Before I logically believed, but did not soulfully feel it to be true. I "got it" but fear still reigned. Along with anxiety and attempts at manipulating my actions in attempts to bring about my desired result, which failed quite a few times.
What do I feel right now? A trust I've never felt before. Secure, emotional, tired. Now I'm frustrated, like I'm not saying what I really want to say, like I"m censoring so it sounds good... forget all that junk. From the heart is always best :) What I really want to say is that I'm proud of myself. I've learned. I've cried. I've journaled & meditated. Yoga'd & prayed. Through all of this, slowly I've found peace. A willingness and ability to let go and let things unfold. A miracle. The one man I'v always feared would bring me to my knees every single time, destroying any progress I had made, didn't. After all, he had every other time for the last 10 years, but not this time. I asked for a miracle, and before I returned that email with my number I prayed & mediated for almost an hour. I prayed that Love prevail, not fear. That healing happen on both sides, and it last as long as it was beneficial. It lasted 6 hours, that's how long the phone call was, the first contact in over 2 years, deep life changing conversation, like we had never missed a beat. Because that's what we do. Then it was gone. But the miracle here, was and is.... that I'm okay with that. If I never speak to him again, I'm okay with that. Four years ago, I came to a point with my father that I said, you know what...I love him, I always have, and always will... I'm going to continue loving him. He can come and go in and out of my life as much as he needs to, and it's not going to bother me, because it's not about me and I love him. I made that decision a few weeks ago, and realized today that I've not cried, obssessed, consulted a hundred friends, oracle cards... blah blah blah... I've made progress. I trusted the guidance I recieved from my higher self and the God of my understanding. Just as I have asked, I have healed, grown, & changed, and I'm so grateful for it. How I got here, I'm not positive. But I can tell you that after exhausting myself pushing to create on my own, I finally gave up & gave in. I cried, sometimes hysterical crying. I journaled until I couldn't write anymore, and listened closest to the things I didn't want to hear most. I sat with folded arms, angry wanting nothing more than to tell the person to SHUT THE FUCK UP, I DON"T WANT TO HEAR IT. But more than I wanted to do that, I wanted to heal. I wanted to stop hurting. I wanted to learn the lessons presented in the repeating cycles of my love life. I was sent a handful of men to teach me things about myself, and I cried more. Temporary moments of regret & pain. Then soul cleansing tears, of which I had waited for years to feel. A beautiful release.
I sit here in awe, reflecting back on how I used to interact with men, and how I do now. All I think is WOW. I am patient now, knowing that everything will be what it's meant to be, whether its a learning expierence, a friendship, a heartbreak, a life long love.... it is going to be that. There is nothing I can do to speed it up, or do to make it NOT happen. In accepting that I obsses, seek to control and predict, & get over excited and put too much in too quick, I watched it dissipate. A realization that I am the way I am for a reason, and when that reason is done serving it's purpose, I will no longer be like that. I breathe. A freedom so delicate that any attempts at going to GET IT, causes it to fade, like white smoke... but if I sit there long enough, through the pain, the exhaustion, the frustration, the desire & tears, the gratitude, then relase then slowly it will come to me. Engulf me and find it's niche within my soul. Sporadic set backs may happen, and there may be those moments of fear, but that's okay. After all... it is about progress not perfection.
Love & Light
Dottie
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