Progress

"If you think you are doing something, you probably are."

     I heard this a handful of times as I sat at a chinese buffet. When I thought, I think I'm eating my feelings....

     I didn't eat too terribly. I physically cannot stomach the amount of food I was once able too. Progress. So, naturally my next question, as I began to slow down, was what feelings am I eating? I knew exactly what they were... my aggravations with myself for not remaing true to my wants and needs. I needed to study, I didn't want him to come over today. Hell, I didn't want him sleeping here last night. I laid awake in my own bed wanting him OUT of it so I could get comfortable and back on my side. I had given up my wants and needs to make him more comfortable, and I was pissed at myself. Why couldn't I just tell him to go home? Like he told me 3 days ago when I feel asleep in his bed? Boundaries. The fear, how long would I be able to hold out without having sex with him? I was riding a very fine line, I still am I guess... and I know it. He called today and said he was coming over, I told him  I had planned on studying because I had a final; he said he was coming over anyway, I said I was going to take a nap, he said to leave the back door open... I don't think the words no ever came out of my mouth, but there was a moment of silence where I couldn't say anything, and a million thoughts ran through my head. So I laid in my bed, now slightly uncomfortable, anticipating his arrival only to wake up over an hour and him not here. I called him and he said he was only joking about coming over. I was pissed, but of course he would have never known. Changing my behaviors in attempts to change someone elses behaviors is something I've been guilty of for some time. My tendency to do this is subsiding but periodically I catch my self doing it. Often, I don't get the reaction or results I was expecting. Which causes me to be angry at myself. Soemtimes, I think that is the most dangerous kind of anger there is. A seperation of self. Two enemies locked in the same room. There is going to be tension, and I'm going to search for an escape. Two forces driving me in opposite directions, each trying to hide from the other. It all meshes together. The next thing I know, I'm in addict mode doing what addicts do best... self-destructing. But by God's grace, not today :)

     Back to peace. I breathe. Everything is just as it should be, now and always... and it will be whatever it is meant to be. At one point in my life, I would ask for guidance, get it, trust it and carry it out... only to not have my desires come to fruition. I began to doubt myself. Slowly, I began to realize, that my desires are not always whats best for me. There is a plan to things, a rhyme and reason to things working out a certain way, and when  I ask for guidance, I'm going to get the guidance which will help carry THAT out, the will of the universe I suppose. I'm so grateful for the patience I have today, for my ability to find that space within me that just knows... everything truly is working out for the best, and it's all okay. It really is. Sometimes it seems I can only sit within that space for a moment, but it's long enough to remind me its there. I can feel it now. A peace. A knowing. An open flow of energy moving within it so it doesn't shake me. There is comfort in this space, a freedom in knowing I don't have to figure everything out, nor do I have to exhaust myself carrying out various actions that may or may not work or be right. It all seems to fall together. As if my intention of Love & healing is enough... I end up exactly where I'm suppose to be doing exactly what I'm suppose to be doing without even realizing it, until I'm there. Everything is beautiful right now. What a miracle it is to be in this space a little longer and a little longer each time. What a miracle it is to be able to come back here instead of go back there.

Love & Light
Dottie