I have difficulty not loosing myself in a relationship and being consumed by it. Things done daily become expected, and I loose my gratitude for them. So when the AREN'T done I'm like wtf. I feel J feels pressured to do things she's found herself doing daily, like good morning text messages and good night phone calls. Pressured to tip toe around my sensitivity. I don't need someone to cater to me. I need someone to be understanding and loving, but not cater. Catering to my sensitivities & insecurities, is not going to be what helps me grow. I jut told her maybe we should use this trip as a break from each other, to not talk till after the weekend is over. Maybe on her way back to MI? I did questions myself, and ask if this was me implementing my control issues? Security. I come to expect things from her that she does often. These daily things provide me a sense of security within the relationship, and when they don't happen I freak out. I get confused. Because what I expected to happen didn't. Fear of the unknown. My brain starts talking shit and I find myself in a tizzy. SO MUCH FEAR. I pulled some cards today... "New Love" - "Be open to changes in your current relationship. A rekindled passion or an ending making way for something better." (Not in those exact words) but my FIRST THOUGHT was... But I don't want a new relationship!!! I want this one! How do I know whether I want the next relationship or not? I have no idea! It could be the most amazing relationship of my life! lol I was denying the gifts of the universe. "What are you not receiving?" A question I was asked about a week ago. I'm not receiving what the universe is bringing to me. I pick and choose based on my understanding, perceptions, and predictions. I'm asking for something, then saying no thanks without. I HAVE NO TRUST. I'm denying magic & miracles, unless it's something I want. My wants (my ego) are getting in my way. Imagine that.
So what now? I think I'm gonna pick back up with Pia Medly's Co-dependency book. Not talk to J for a few days, and TRUST.
Love & Light,
Dottie
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