Bringing Me Back to the Moment

"...but NONE of that matters, right now."

I heard that phrase yesterday, radiating from the part of me that speaks only of Love.  I trust that part of me, there isn't much I do trust in this world (recently realized) but I do trust that soft, whisper that floats just atop the essence of who I am within the core of my being.  I probably repeated that statment a couple hundred times today, bringing myself back to the moment.  Whether it was popping out pills, passing dinner trays, driving down the road, sharing this realization with someone else, or showering.  NOTHING I was thinking of mattered at that moment.  There is time for reflection, for thinking, and it's not all day long.  Although there are many days I would love nothing more than to bask in aloness and go within. I do have to function as a human being here on earth, as LAME as that is sometimes. 

After some conversations with a few people last night that aren't as easily fooled by some of my facades... I spent much time in reflection.  On the way home I thought alot about how "I'm really fucked in the head aren't I?!"  lol  "I've got issues!" < The main things that kept running through my mind.  I do know who I am, although I feel I don't.  I've spent several months attempting to be able to write WHO I WAS... and would get no farther than the question... who am I? 

I have a lot of inner dialogues that make me feel like I'm going crazy sometimes.  I care alot what other people think about me, and my image is important to me.  I can fit in with just about anyone, and most often consciously choose how I'm going to act... am I going to act childlike and fun? or mature and responsible? I read a lot of self help books because I trully think I am fucked in the head, but then think.... aren't we all? And what a beautiful gift it is to atleast be AWARE that I'm fucked in the head! IF I were "normal" there would be nothing to explore... who wants to explore normal? What would I do with my life? A life built upon overcoming obstacles, connected with people from all walks of life? A life that pulsates on a spiritual platform.  Basking in the Light would be hard to appreciate if there were no dark to follow. What would a life based upon balance be without dark anyway? A great act of Love is forgiveness, and loving what you hate.... or think you hate ;)... How can I Love myself with a passion that supercedes an indifferent or false "yeah sure I love myself"... if I've never hated myself? WHAT would I do if I were normal? I have no idea.... and I don't want to.  Normal doesn't change lives, it doesn't spark inspiration or desire.  I am a little weird, and I have issues with boundries and co-dependency.  I am currently getting better at being assertive, and vocalizing my wants and needs.  A part of me still likes to be elusive, and whimisical.  I'm not very good at expressing my anger, and can shut the fuck down in an instant if I choose not to feel.  Some days I wake up and want nothing more than "to hide from the world" and not get out from under my covers.  My abilities to be vendictive, manipulative, and plain out evil scare the shit out of me.  My deepest fear is someone knowing ALL of me, every single bit.... because I'm so afraid if they did, I'd be locked away somewhere.  Opinions are nowhere near truth.  I wonder if anyone really knows the truth about anything.  Opinions of me, including my own aren't always true and that makes me thinkg, alot. I feel very strongly I know what my life purpose is, but remain open to stand corrected and take another route, if that soft whisper tells me so.  Some of these are defence mechanisms.... but all of this, every single bit of it... is absolutely okay.

I asked for God last night to breed joy, peace, and serenity within me. I thought about keeping things simple.  I can read every self-help book ever written, attend every yoga class, and meditate for 16 hours a day. But as long as I set out on this journey alone, I won't be free of the chaos that sometimes fills my mind.  Maybe I won't ever, even with not doing it alone lol I don't know! :) I do know that right now, everything is okay. As long as I maintain the intention of living in a way that fosters joy, peace, and Love within myself and others... everything else will work itself out like magic.  I'll stay focused in the solution, and lot God figure out the rest.

"... but NONE of that matters, right now." Because it's over, the moment, the thought, it's all over. The only thing that matters right now is already gone too.