"To the extent that the person you were will effect who you are; it already has."
If that doesn't make sense, which it may not... let me break it down for you. I told that to a very dear who had been sober for somewhere around 6 years, I think I little longer. Someone who also felt the draw to remove themselves from the traditional 12 step programs and live her life, taking what she learned and left. I can relate to that. The thing about her though, is she done the work. She did. Some people can be in that program for 15 years, and still never do the work, the real work. The work that is required to make a radical change in who you are and the life that you are living. They will find themselves continuously re-living in the past in the name of "never forgetting your last drunk or your doomed to re-peat it" mindset. Don't get me wrong, the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous had a dramatic positive impact on my life, but when it was done, it was done. It had served its purpose, and like my friend... I walked away. I went against the grain. We both went against the grain. And when our worlds didn't collapse, when we weren't found in a drunken stupor begging for help and forgiveness having exploded and taken out everyone around us... it challenged everything so many had been taught about "the program." And it scares them. To the extent that the person you were will effect who you are; it already has simply means, yes, the person she was has shaped her into the person she is now, but in a good way. She has done the work to re-balance that, to counter-act that if you will. That person, who she was, has already created the change within her it was suppose to, and she can let it go now. She can root completely in the person she is now, and move forward. And as always, with gratitude.
THESE are one of the kinds of people who truly inspire me. People who change. Who come like a Phoenix from the flames. Those who trust enough to step out on faith. To take chances. To risk everything they ever believed to be true about their life, for the possibility, that they can live the life they've always dreamt of living. Those who do things even though they are afraid, who burst in the darkest parts of who they are with a willingness and readiness to not leave until all is Light. People who beat the odds, and not because they set out to do so, but because they remained true to themselves. I admire these people and so grateful to be able to call many of them friends.
With Grace & Gratitude...
Showing posts with label Recovery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Recovery. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Purpose in Resentment?
"Let it go"
What a novel concept. I thought of this last week and the word "processing" came into my mind. How often we refer to emotions as processing and letting them go. I wanted to see it. What did that look like to me? I thought of a conveyer belt within my heart... in the beginning the emotion was raw and merely looking at it caused a reaction in me that I didn't particularly like, but I reminded myself this was just part of the "process." Once I processed the emotion I put it into a beautiful white box, with God's name on it. I didn't need it anymore, an even more novel concept... "give it to God." DONE. I just stood there within my own mind like okay, here it is God, thanks :) I feel free! Here ya go!......?........um Hellooo? Anyone there? :( WTF! I NEED YOU TO TAKE THIS!!!! I'VE LET IT GO! I've done everything I'm suppose to do! GOOODDDD!!!! (in my best whiney voice) O_o THEN the realization. My only job is to "let it go", "release it". I've never heard anyone say THROW it at God. I can't make him take it. I simply let it go, I set it down, I don't carry that burden with me any longer. When it no longer serves a purpose, God will take it.
For a little while not I've flipped flopped back and forth with what I'm thinking is a subdued resentment. I've made my amends, yet there was little, if any peace of mind. I've prayed, journaled, talked to my sponsor, sought outside neutral advice, I've sat with it in meditaiton. I feel it hasn't gone anywhere. After have the above realization a week or so ago, I began to wonder maybe there is still a lesson to be learned from this. A purpose. In my heart I've truly felt I've done everything I can do today, what is left but acceptance? Maybe tomorrow something more will be revealed and I can take action then, but as of right now... acceptance is all I have left. Acceptance that I have done my best, and it is still there, and there is nothing I can do about it. A prayer to remain willing to do more if it is presented and open to more guidance being revealed, but other than that... just acceptance. I've let it go and when it serves the highest good of all concerned, this resentment will be fully lifted. Maybe it's preventing a re-connection that WOULDN'T serve the highest good of all concerned... who knows?
I learned today, in graceful humility, that even in recovery, even in a valiant effort to be a better person every single day... I am still susceptible to some of the most vicious of character defects... and it is by God's grace and my willingess to see the truth that I do not act upon them more often that I do. And for that, I am grateful.
Love & Light
Dottie
.
What a novel concept. I thought of this last week and the word "processing" came into my mind. How often we refer to emotions as processing and letting them go. I wanted to see it. What did that look like to me? I thought of a conveyer belt within my heart... in the beginning the emotion was raw and merely looking at it caused a reaction in me that I didn't particularly like, but I reminded myself this was just part of the "process." Once I processed the emotion I put it into a beautiful white box, with God's name on it. I didn't need it anymore, an even more novel concept... "give it to God." DONE. I just stood there within my own mind like okay, here it is God, thanks :) I feel free! Here ya go!......?........um Hellooo? Anyone there? :( WTF! I NEED YOU TO TAKE THIS!!!! I'VE LET IT GO! I've done everything I'm suppose to do! GOOODDDD!!!! (in my best whiney voice) O_o THEN the realization. My only job is to "let it go", "release it". I've never heard anyone say THROW it at God. I can't make him take it. I simply let it go, I set it down, I don't carry that burden with me any longer. When it no longer serves a purpose, God will take it.
For a little while not I've flipped flopped back and forth with what I'm thinking is a subdued resentment. I've made my amends, yet there was little, if any peace of mind. I've prayed, journaled, talked to my sponsor, sought outside neutral advice, I've sat with it in meditaiton. I feel it hasn't gone anywhere. After have the above realization a week or so ago, I began to wonder maybe there is still a lesson to be learned from this. A purpose. In my heart I've truly felt I've done everything I can do today, what is left but acceptance? Maybe tomorrow something more will be revealed and I can take action then, but as of right now... acceptance is all I have left. Acceptance that I have done my best, and it is still there, and there is nothing I can do about it. A prayer to remain willing to do more if it is presented and open to more guidance being revealed, but other than that... just acceptance. I've let it go and when it serves the highest good of all concerned, this resentment will be fully lifted. Maybe it's preventing a re-connection that WOULDN'T serve the highest good of all concerned... who knows?
I learned today, in graceful humility, that even in recovery, even in a valiant effort to be a better person every single day... I am still susceptible to some of the most vicious of character defects... and it is by God's grace and my willingess to see the truth that I do not act upon them more often that I do. And for that, I am grateful.
Love & Light
Dottie
.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Powerless, but Not Without Resistance
"Admitted we were powerless over alcohol... and our lives had become unmanageable"
I've spent weeks with this step on and off. I don't think I've ever truly said it, and meant it. Honestly, I can't remember the lest time at the very least admitted I was powerless over alcohol. After all, it does just say admitted ;). Okay, I'm just being funny to try and distract me from the truth and task at hand, I do that from time to time.... so getting back...I hear years of "This is the only step you have to get perfect" running around in my head. I'm reminded of my arrogance, and how often it gets in the way of progress. Then, I fear I've taken a step back. Like there has been a moment of transcendence, of truly being free of my addiction to alcohol and drugs at some point, and now... I'm back. Back to going to meetings back to reading that fucking big book, and back to being surrounded by people I can't easily fool. You can't bullshit a bullshitter, and you can't pull addict moves on an addict, sorry... it just doesn't work like that. And me? Well, I don't like to know I'm easily read or accurately predictable. Right now, I just can't admit that I had ZERO to do with getting sober. As I contemplated things on the way home, praying for clarity. I heard once again, just as I heard a few weeks ago,that I am an alcoholic, just as much as I am a female... and there is nothing I can do about it but accept it and live my life in recovery. I was told it was only by God's grace I was sober today, I was in nursing school, I wasn't cutting, and I that I was even alive. I am a walking miracle to be where I've been, and be where I am now. It was all by God's grace, he saved me for a reason, so now am I ready to finally surrender and totally give my life to him? To carry out His will? Whatever that may be? Shout from the rooftops His glory? (Please note the sarcasm) Much of that, especially the last one... seems a bit outrageous to me. But why? I've stood at the doorway of the liquor store on 11 and gratiot and screamed, "ASHEEM! Don't close yet we need more captain's" I have no idea what the guys name was, but he was Indian, so obviously it was Asheem or Achmed.
Something tells me this is a peaceful/joyful lesson in becoming humble. I should learn now. Because if not, it will be back, and possible not as peaceful and joyful, probable actually. It was made very clear to me, if that obsession to drink ever returned, as it has done before... I would be drunk. And the ONLY thing keeping that feverish obsession at bay is God. I was asked if I needed proof of this, I said no with tears in my eyes, I may be defiant, but I'm not stupid. When push comes to shove, the truth comes out. I know if that obsession every does return, like it has before where NOTHING else matters to me but getting that drink... I will be drunk. And if I ask God to prove that to me, He will.
So what does that tell me? I'm powerless if that obsession ever hits, because no human power could have relieved it... not even myself. "Confidence is a total liability." I recognize my resistance in saying my last sobriety date. For those not in the program, I say 3 years. I begin putting "technicalities" on it. Technically, I have 3 years.... I LITERALLY drank ONE NIGHT, 8 hours. KNOWING if I wouldn't have drank and someone else tried to pull the same shit, I'd be like WOW, somebody is swimming in denial. I threw away 2 1/2 years of sobriety for a few hours of drunken stupor. I've said for months, I chose that. It was a choice I made. Was it? We'll see... I thought of that also as I was driving home, then was reminded how everything on the inside of me begged me not to do it, telling me I'd regret it... and yet, like an addict obsessed... I got drunk. I left the liquor store with my pint, and headed to the midnight meeting. I said "Whatever gets me first can have me" I was drinking by the time I hit 15 & Utica. I remember having it in my mouth and thinking... if I spit it out now does it count!?!? Do I get to keep my sobriety date? Is it all gone if I spit it out now? What if I swallow it then pull over and throw it up? Where is the power in that? The desperate plea of how far is to far? Have I gone to far? A guilt and shame so tremendous it would take me 6 months to feel it. An addict out of control. I asked just now, "And what was this over?" and for the first time, it was very clear to me it was because I wasn't honest with myself. I posted the very first blog I ever wrote on blogspot today. It was full of peace, serenity, happiness, acceptance... Then I noticed the date September 19, 2010 and the time 11:36 am. I just sat in shock and said aloud, "I was drinking 12 hours later." What happened? I was not honest with myself. In that drunken stupor I called the guy I wrote the blog about and said, "Well, I'm not crying anymore. I'm drunk!" As if my drinking was going to hurt him. What did I expect him to do? Come get me? Confess his love for me? Add one more thing to my list of "Well, OBVIOUSLY he really does love me no matter what he says because he did x,y, and z." I wanted him to hurt. With one drink I was back to manipulative Dottie. Hurting, I wanted someone else to hurt. For me, the unmanageably and chaos doesn't necessarily show in my life, but OMG is it in my head. I become exhausted at my attempts to manage the thoughts, fears, feelings, and compulsions that are CONSTANTLY tapping at the inside of my skull. I've become VERY good over the years at making everything seem just peachy on the outside.
I can still feel resistance. Funny though, I actually typed "forgiveness" instead of resistance just now. So what does that tell me? I've been asking God to "teach me to forgive" and he is. God, grant me the willingness and courage to get the hell out of my own way, please release me from the bondage of self, most of me is ready to do Thy will, and more of me is ready every day. Thank you for your patience. Amen.
( About ten minutes later)
It's time to make up my mind. Either I am an addict/alcoholic or I'm not. Either I am powerless or I'm not. Either I need God's help or I don't. MAKE A CHOICE...... ha, and this is where the choice comes in isn't it? Well, what can I say? I am an alcoholic and addict, I am powerless, and I need God's help more than I ever have in my life. Because I'm arrogant, stubborn, and prone to self-destruction and self-sabotage. God please keep me humble so I don't have to learn those things again the hard way.
Love & Light
Dottie
P.S. - A reoccurring thought has also been about the 2 people who shared this refusal of being powerless with me. I remember being so excited because they "got" what I had been saying for months! The three of us searched and searched for the right words to avoid the one's already written. One of them is out in active addiction as we speak, and the other is in rehab. It is only by God's grace, I'm not sitting right next to either one of them. For that, I am grateful.
I've spent weeks with this step on and off. I don't think I've ever truly said it, and meant it. Honestly, I can't remember the lest time at the very least admitted I was powerless over alcohol. After all, it does just say admitted ;). Okay, I'm just being funny to try and distract me from the truth and task at hand, I do that from time to time.... so getting back...I hear years of "This is the only step you have to get perfect" running around in my head. I'm reminded of my arrogance, and how often it gets in the way of progress. Then, I fear I've taken a step back. Like there has been a moment of transcendence, of truly being free of my addiction to alcohol and drugs at some point, and now... I'm back. Back to going to meetings back to reading that fucking big book, and back to being surrounded by people I can't easily fool. You can't bullshit a bullshitter, and you can't pull addict moves on an addict, sorry... it just doesn't work like that. And me? Well, I don't like to know I'm easily read or accurately predictable. Right now, I just can't admit that I had ZERO to do with getting sober. As I contemplated things on the way home, praying for clarity. I heard once again, just as I heard a few weeks ago,that I am an alcoholic, just as much as I am a female... and there is nothing I can do about it but accept it and live my life in recovery. I was told it was only by God's grace I was sober today, I was in nursing school, I wasn't cutting, and I that I was even alive. I am a walking miracle to be where I've been, and be where I am now. It was all by God's grace, he saved me for a reason, so now am I ready to finally surrender and totally give my life to him? To carry out His will? Whatever that may be? Shout from the rooftops His glory? (Please note the sarcasm) Much of that, especially the last one... seems a bit outrageous to me. But why? I've stood at the doorway of the liquor store on 11 and gratiot and screamed, "ASHEEM! Don't close yet we need more captain's" I have no idea what the guys name was, but he was Indian, so obviously it was Asheem or Achmed.
Something tells me this is a peaceful/joyful lesson in becoming humble. I should learn now. Because if not, it will be back, and possible not as peaceful and joyful, probable actually. It was made very clear to me, if that obsession to drink ever returned, as it has done before... I would be drunk. And the ONLY thing keeping that feverish obsession at bay is God. I was asked if I needed proof of this, I said no with tears in my eyes, I may be defiant, but I'm not stupid. When push comes to shove, the truth comes out. I know if that obsession every does return, like it has before where NOTHING else matters to me but getting that drink... I will be drunk. And if I ask God to prove that to me, He will.
So what does that tell me? I'm powerless if that obsession ever hits, because no human power could have relieved it... not even myself. "Confidence is a total liability." I recognize my resistance in saying my last sobriety date. For those not in the program, I say 3 years. I begin putting "technicalities" on it. Technically, I have 3 years.... I LITERALLY drank ONE NIGHT, 8 hours. KNOWING if I wouldn't have drank and someone else tried to pull the same shit, I'd be like WOW, somebody is swimming in denial. I threw away 2 1/2 years of sobriety for a few hours of drunken stupor. I've said for months, I chose that. It was a choice I made. Was it? We'll see... I thought of that also as I was driving home, then was reminded how everything on the inside of me begged me not to do it, telling me I'd regret it... and yet, like an addict obsessed... I got drunk. I left the liquor store with my pint, and headed to the midnight meeting. I said "Whatever gets me first can have me" I was drinking by the time I hit 15 & Utica. I remember having it in my mouth and thinking... if I spit it out now does it count!?!? Do I get to keep my sobriety date? Is it all gone if I spit it out now? What if I swallow it then pull over and throw it up? Where is the power in that? The desperate plea of how far is to far? Have I gone to far? A guilt and shame so tremendous it would take me 6 months to feel it. An addict out of control. I asked just now, "And what was this over?" and for the first time, it was very clear to me it was because I wasn't honest with myself. I posted the very first blog I ever wrote on blogspot today. It was full of peace, serenity, happiness, acceptance... Then I noticed the date September 19, 2010 and the time 11:36 am. I just sat in shock and said aloud, "I was drinking 12 hours later." What happened? I was not honest with myself. In that drunken stupor I called the guy I wrote the blog about and said, "Well, I'm not crying anymore. I'm drunk!" As if my drinking was going to hurt him. What did I expect him to do? Come get me? Confess his love for me? Add one more thing to my list of "Well, OBVIOUSLY he really does love me no matter what he says because he did x,y, and z." I wanted him to hurt. With one drink I was back to manipulative Dottie. Hurting, I wanted someone else to hurt. For me, the unmanageably and chaos doesn't necessarily show in my life, but OMG is it in my head. I become exhausted at my attempts to manage the thoughts, fears, feelings, and compulsions that are CONSTANTLY tapping at the inside of my skull. I've become VERY good over the years at making everything seem just peachy on the outside.
I can still feel resistance. Funny though, I actually typed "forgiveness" instead of resistance just now. So what does that tell me? I've been asking God to "teach me to forgive" and he is. God, grant me the willingness and courage to get the hell out of my own way, please release me from the bondage of self, most of me is ready to do Thy will, and more of me is ready every day. Thank you for your patience. Amen.
( About ten minutes later)
It's time to make up my mind. Either I am an addict/alcoholic or I'm not. Either I am powerless or I'm not. Either I need God's help or I don't. MAKE A CHOICE...... ha, and this is where the choice comes in isn't it? Well, what can I say? I am an alcoholic and addict, I am powerless, and I need God's help more than I ever have in my life. Because I'm arrogant, stubborn, and prone to self-destruction and self-sabotage. God please keep me humble so I don't have to learn those things again the hard way.
Love & Light
Dottie
P.S. - A reoccurring thought has also been about the 2 people who shared this refusal of being powerless with me. I remember being so excited because they "got" what I had been saying for months! The three of us searched and searched for the right words to avoid the one's already written. One of them is out in active addiction as we speak, and the other is in rehab. It is only by God's grace, I'm not sitting right next to either one of them. For that, I am grateful.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
A Step Closer to Surrender
"You're not too tired, you haven't given it up yet. You're still fighting."
Somewhere along the line here, I've placed my God in my box of things I can use to help me create my life the way I think it should go, the way I want it to go. Logically knowing God has all power, I do not, and I need him. But apparently I don't trust him, and treat God as if he is just some tool I could use if I needed him. Just hanging out in my little tool box. That's not where I want him to be. If I trusted him I wouldn't be asking repeatedly and looking for signs to assure me that he's carried out MY will. Nor would I get angry because he hasn't carried out my will .As I was walking out of Denny's the other day I had a thought of going to a meeting which had been very repetitive lately so I asked Spirit, why do I need to go to meetings, and I heard "To remind you that you are not God." WOW. I then thought of the book I bought before I went into rehab called, "The Last Addiction" The last addiction is letting go of the notion we can do it ourselves, and that's exacty what I've been doing. God has always used my ego to take me where I needed to go because he knew that I would respond so much quicker. I went into nursing because a teacher told me I wouldn't be able to do it anyway, not because I felt it was my calling. I went into rehab because I wanted the attention, not because I really thought I needed it. There are only so many times I'm going to be able to talk myself out of a drink, out of picking up that knife, binging and purging that food, or indulging in unhealthy relationships.
"Lord..... Protect me from the impetuous desires of my nature- to eat and drink to much,to offer grandiose promises,to be careless with my resources: money, time, and energy, emotional, physical, spiritual. Take away my fear of what is real. Teach me to recognize your greatest gift to me, the wholeness of myself, hold me in your light, so that I can see myself as you see me. Amen"
Someone posted that on the wall of The Mid about a month ago and those words have floated around in my head ever since. I was just going to type that I wanted to rephrase it. As if that just doesn't quite fit me. How dare I just accept something as is? Control much? Hmph. Yeah, I do. I try to anyways, and you see how that's working out for me. I'm frustrated and exahusted. I watch my time and energy wasted on things that haven't happened and probably won't happen. Rarely, if ever do I live in the moment. Nor do I live in the past or present. I often live in some other place, Dottie's world apparently. Where I always say the things I wanted to say, things happening just the way I want, and I pick apart a million possible ways something MIGHT happen along with a mental list of how I would react just incase, and fears. Let's not forget the fears, I get to expeirence fear of things that haven't happened and most likely will not all while being terrified of re-living the fears I have actually expierienced.
So what am I going to do? Well, actively putting a plan together to rid myself of this place which I am right now, which is exactly where I'm suppose to be or God wouldn't have me here, would be once again feeding my insatiable desire to control my life. I've been asking God "What else do you want me to do." Then I'm usually crying to hard to hear him, then I get pissed because one he hasn't answered me and two I wanted it yesterday, so he's already behind schedule. It's okay, you can laugh it is funny, sad, but funny. It's time I get out of my head, and into my heart. They say, and I believe this, that God is within each of us, God is Love, and Love comes from our heart center. Well, since I discovered some time ago that you cannot control your emtions I opted not to feel any, at all. I shut it all down. I jumped RIGHT the fuck out of my heart, because thoughts I can control, emotions I cannot. It is no surprise that anger had become my dominant emotion and God is in a box alon with a hundred other "tools" I can use if I feel like I need them, not the all powerful, all loving Creator that I have absolutely zero control over.
So again, what am I going to do? Obviously that was everything I'm not going to do. I'm going to pay close attention to how I feel about everything. I'm going to do, not think. I'm going to sit in my meditation and just feel whatever it is I feel. My morning prayers will consist of "God, what do you want me to do today" and silence. I'm going to gently remind myelf it's okay to not know everything, and that it has been only by God's grace I've not climbed back into that bottle wrapped with beautiful, invisible bows of self-destruction and self-sabotoging.
Thank you God.
Dottie
Somewhere along the line here, I've placed my God in my box of things I can use to help me create my life the way I think it should go, the way I want it to go. Logically knowing God has all power, I do not, and I need him. But apparently I don't trust him, and treat God as if he is just some tool I could use if I needed him. Just hanging out in my little tool box. That's not where I want him to be. If I trusted him I wouldn't be asking repeatedly and looking for signs to assure me that he's carried out MY will. Nor would I get angry because he hasn't carried out my will .As I was walking out of Denny's the other day I had a thought of going to a meeting which had been very repetitive lately so I asked Spirit, why do I need to go to meetings, and I heard "To remind you that you are not God." WOW. I then thought of the book I bought before I went into rehab called, "The Last Addiction" The last addiction is letting go of the notion we can do it ourselves, and that's exacty what I've been doing. God has always used my ego to take me where I needed to go because he knew that I would respond so much quicker. I went into nursing because a teacher told me I wouldn't be able to do it anyway, not because I felt it was my calling. I went into rehab because I wanted the attention, not because I really thought I needed it. There are only so many times I'm going to be able to talk myself out of a drink, out of picking up that knife, binging and purging that food, or indulging in unhealthy relationships.
"Lord..... Protect me from the impetuous desires of my nature- to eat and drink to much,to offer grandiose promises,to be careless with my resources: money, time, and energy, emotional, physical, spiritual. Take away my fear of what is real. Teach me to recognize your greatest gift to me, the wholeness of myself, hold me in your light, so that I can see myself as you see me. Amen"
Someone posted that on the wall of The Mid about a month ago and those words have floated around in my head ever since. I was just going to type that I wanted to rephrase it. As if that just doesn't quite fit me. How dare I just accept something as is? Control much? Hmph. Yeah, I do. I try to anyways, and you see how that's working out for me. I'm frustrated and exahusted. I watch my time and energy wasted on things that haven't happened and probably won't happen. Rarely, if ever do I live in the moment. Nor do I live in the past or present. I often live in some other place, Dottie's world apparently. Where I always say the things I wanted to say, things happening just the way I want, and I pick apart a million possible ways something MIGHT happen along with a mental list of how I would react just incase, and fears. Let's not forget the fears, I get to expeirence fear of things that haven't happened and most likely will not all while being terrified of re-living the fears I have actually expierienced.
So what am I going to do? Well, actively putting a plan together to rid myself of this place which I am right now, which is exactly where I'm suppose to be or God wouldn't have me here, would be once again feeding my insatiable desire to control my life. I've been asking God "What else do you want me to do." Then I'm usually crying to hard to hear him, then I get pissed because one he hasn't answered me and two I wanted it yesterday, so he's already behind schedule. It's okay, you can laugh it is funny, sad, but funny. It's time I get out of my head, and into my heart. They say, and I believe this, that God is within each of us, God is Love, and Love comes from our heart center. Well, since I discovered some time ago that you cannot control your emtions I opted not to feel any, at all. I shut it all down. I jumped RIGHT the fuck out of my heart, because thoughts I can control, emotions I cannot. It is no surprise that anger had become my dominant emotion and God is in a box alon with a hundred other "tools" I can use if I feel like I need them, not the all powerful, all loving Creator that I have absolutely zero control over.
So again, what am I going to do? Obviously that was everything I'm not going to do. I'm going to pay close attention to how I feel about everything. I'm going to do, not think. I'm going to sit in my meditation and just feel whatever it is I feel. My morning prayers will consist of "God, what do you want me to do today" and silence. I'm going to gently remind myelf it's okay to not know everything, and that it has been only by God's grace I've not climbed back into that bottle wrapped with beautiful, invisible bows of self-destruction and self-sabotoging.
Thank you God.
Dottie
Saturday, February 19, 2011
The Eleventh Step and Loving My Ego
"Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our concious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out."
The eleventh step of Alcoholics Anonymous. (If you didn't already know that) I went to a meeting tonight for the first time in months. Something inside me told me to go and I excitedly waiting 12:30 to get here to do just that. Of course, it was an amazing meeting, and I heard a hundred things I needed to hear (that's usually how it goes when you really "feel" like you jsut need to be there). Some things were stuff I needed to be reminded of and others it was just confirmation of what I had already been doing or feeling.
As I opened my mouth the words came from somewhere other than myself. I realized that I've sought a place of quiet stillness my entire life (meditation). Whether it was getting so drunk I couldn't move or think or talk, or eating until I was in a food induced coma-like state laying in my bed thinking only of how full I was, or cutting until the endorphins made my body collapse and sleep... it all ended the same way. By myself in a utter stillness, without thought. Exactly what my soul craved, but my mind didn't know how to give. These days I skip all that bullshit; I don't need it anymore, and that is the miracle. An awareness that what we seek can be found in the absence of self-destruction and have the ability easily skip over that part of it entirely to sit comfortably in silence with ourselves and God. There is more gratitude for this, than I can possible express here.
This is suppose to be my beautiful transition, but apparently that wasn't an important part of this blog...so moving on...
My ego is not out to kill me, I do not live in fear of my ego. It is simply unaware, ignorant. I have compassion for ignorance and lack of awareness. I can Love that part of me. If I am to be able to fully and unconditionally love myself, I must love my ego as well. Because no matter what it is still part of me. It cannot be ignored or destroyed. Acceptance is always the answer. It's like when you give someone permission to do something, they have no desire to do it, the thrill has been taken away... My ego has been my biggest help in teaching me about myself. It has been my guide to going inward into the darkest parts of me that I had no desire to see. How often do we get angry at ourselves or "our ego's" for causing pain and chaos... only to realize our some of our most valued lessons sprung from that? My ego has desperately (and ignorantly) attempted to guard me from pain and suffering, yet had no idea that when cutting me off from everything to protect me, it also cut me off from the good, from God. It didn't know any better. It's said that God is everything or he is nothing, that He is the ultimate creator. If a + b = c, then God had a hand in creating my ego... and who am I to hate anything that was created by The Man himself? If I am to love as God loves, I choose to love my ego. Because I choose wholeness. Going to any end of the spectrum creates blind spots... There is always a balance trying to be achieved, always.
For me that's exactly what it's about, balance and awareness. It's about never forgetting, always asking for help, and carrying out God's will for me so I may help others. It's about being grateful for the miracle that is my life which is now lived free of drugs, alcohol, or any other kind of self-medication attempts or self-destructive behaviors. Some people call that recovery, I just call it Love. I'm living in Love.
Namaste,
Dottie
The eleventh step of Alcoholics Anonymous. (If you didn't already know that) I went to a meeting tonight for the first time in months. Something inside me told me to go and I excitedly waiting 12:30 to get here to do just that. Of course, it was an amazing meeting, and I heard a hundred things I needed to hear (that's usually how it goes when you really "feel" like you jsut need to be there). Some things were stuff I needed to be reminded of and others it was just confirmation of what I had already been doing or feeling.
As I opened my mouth the words came from somewhere other than myself. I realized that I've sought a place of quiet stillness my entire life (meditation). Whether it was getting so drunk I couldn't move or think or talk, or eating until I was in a food induced coma-like state laying in my bed thinking only of how full I was, or cutting until the endorphins made my body collapse and sleep... it all ended the same way. By myself in a utter stillness, without thought. Exactly what my soul craved, but my mind didn't know how to give. These days I skip all that bullshit; I don't need it anymore, and that is the miracle. An awareness that what we seek can be found in the absence of self-destruction and have the ability easily skip over that part of it entirely to sit comfortably in silence with ourselves and God. There is more gratitude for this, than I can possible express here.
This is suppose to be my beautiful transition, but apparently that wasn't an important part of this blog...so moving on...
My ego is not out to kill me, I do not live in fear of my ego. It is simply unaware, ignorant. I have compassion for ignorance and lack of awareness. I can Love that part of me. If I am to be able to fully and unconditionally love myself, I must love my ego as well. Because no matter what it is still part of me. It cannot be ignored or destroyed. Acceptance is always the answer. It's like when you give someone permission to do something, they have no desire to do it, the thrill has been taken away... My ego has been my biggest help in teaching me about myself. It has been my guide to going inward into the darkest parts of me that I had no desire to see. How often do we get angry at ourselves or "our ego's" for causing pain and chaos... only to realize our some of our most valued lessons sprung from that? My ego has desperately (and ignorantly) attempted to guard me from pain and suffering, yet had no idea that when cutting me off from everything to protect me, it also cut me off from the good, from God. It didn't know any better. It's said that God is everything or he is nothing, that He is the ultimate creator. If a + b = c, then God had a hand in creating my ego... and who am I to hate anything that was created by The Man himself? If I am to love as God loves, I choose to love my ego. Because I choose wholeness. Going to any end of the spectrum creates blind spots... There is always a balance trying to be achieved, always.
For me that's exactly what it's about, balance and awareness. It's about never forgetting, always asking for help, and carrying out God's will for me so I may help others. It's about being grateful for the miracle that is my life which is now lived free of drugs, alcohol, or any other kind of self-medication attempts or self-destructive behaviors. Some people call that recovery, I just call it Love. I'm living in Love.
Namaste,
Dottie
Friday, November 26, 2010
Evaluating the Second Step of Alocholics Anonymous
I feel like I'm on the verge of really understanding the 2nd step. "Came to believe a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." Do I feel insane? Yes. Have I exausted all attempts at trying to make myself sane? Yes. I few days ago I asked God to reveal himself to me. Was the past year my coming to believe? I think it's possible. Because *I* have been doing lots of things to maintain my sobriety, and do I want sobriety? Absolutely, because I can be extremely self destructive. I have been in the past and to prevent me from doing that, I choose to abstain from addictive/self sabotaging behaviors which encompases a WHOLE bunch of shit. I've even asked myself if I'm agnostic the last several days. A guys today said his sponsor told him that he himself couldn't fix him, and that him (his sponsors) job wasn't to fix him, but to help him to work the steps so God could fix him. That made sense to me. The last addiction is thinking we can do it alone. Go to God, go to his children. That's what the speaker said, that spoke to me. I'm now in the solution. But what part does God play and what part do I play? "Praying only for the knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out." - that's the thought that just came to me. How do I know if I've crossed the line o carrying out God's will for me and carrying out MY will for myself? I'm going to read Step two real quick in the twelve and twelve.... It is not the insanity of the obsession of the drink anymore. It is the insanity that lies within that fueled the obssession to drink. The obsession has been removed by God, as requested... then I set out on a journey to restore myself to sanity. I said thanks and see you later. It is time to re-evaluate these steps and see how they fit into my life now. Because it isn't about being powerless over alocohol anymore, it isn't about being restored from the obsession to drink.... it's about accepting the fact that I HAVE been there, and could go back. It is a possibility... and if *I* try to restore myself to sanity, I'll end up in circles. At one time GOD was the most important word in there, today it's sanity.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Meeting My Body
Good morning!
I'm so happy to be sitting here with my tea and preparing to blog. A very beautiful thing happened during yoga today. I found myself extremely angry when holding the poses, a few tears fell, and all I kept hearing in my head is I'm not feeling very flexible today. I was becoming angry at my body because I could go much farther into the pose just a week or so ago, angry because my mind wouldn't push me through it, and ready to just throw that fucking boppy support pillow acrooss the room. I was telling myself it's okay, sometimes things in yoga come up, but I kept getting more and more pissed. My teacher said to be the observer of any thoughts or emotions that arose... and so I did. I laid my head on the support pillow and asked myself what was really wrong. There was a shift within that moment. I felt a connection to my body open up like never before. I felt guilt because I had been ingesting poisen for 3 days. I thought of my relapse, the Sonic I ate the night before, the Thin Mints I ate and threw up before I drank. I had been very hurtful to my body, and felt guilt. It was like I had hurt my best friend. I apologized and I cried as I sat in my dragon pose.
Upon deeper reflection I discovered a few more things. I had begun to not trust my body. I allowed the impatience of my ego to talk me into taking an amphetemine appetite suppressant (although I had lost almost 50 lbs on my own over the last year simply through diet changes, excercise, yoga, hypnotherapy, and acupuncture) I took the pills knowing all to well what it would do to my body... speed up my heartrate, decrease my sleep, potentially (and likely) to increase my anxiety, deplete my body of potassium because of the potent diuretic that goes along with taking the amphetemine to counter-act the tendencies to raise the HR and BP. Coming from someone who DESPISES taking any kind of pill, this was more than counter-productive. It was a direct blow at my integrity and core beliefs that I have embraced over several years. I justified my actions by telling a couple people I KNEW would tell me it was okay, and keep myself working out and making good food choices. If I continued to do all THAT, then I was only using it as a tool right?! (Please note the sarcasm) Three days before my relapse, I got out of bed and passed out smashing my head on the metal clothes hamper and causing me to go to the hospital... what was the culprit? Severe dehydration.... the cause of the dehydration? The pills I was taking to suppress my appetite. FUCK. I was ashamed, embarrased. I felt hypocritical and unworthy of the love and concern of those who cared about me. Especially when both of them sitting next to me in the ER were shocked and angry.
Since deciding to no longer take the pills, I've spent the last several days sleeping. My body needed rest to re-balance itself out. It was artifical energized for about 5 weeks, and now it was tired. More fully realizing the distress I caused on my body, and energy filled I was filled with anger and sadness. I spent all day Sunday (2 days post collapse) crying and sleeping, by midnight Sun/Mon I was drinking. AFTER I spent a couple hours yelling at the man I'm in love with about how much it hurts that he doesn't love me back (which is TOTAL BS, lol PLEASE see previous blog about Falling in Love With What Is for further clarification on that one!) :)
Love is the only thing that is real and what heals. Love is all there is. God is Love. (With all the being said, and not to go into my whole schpeel on Love) ... I realized on the way home how many of my actions, leading up to this very moment where based upon fear (the OPPOSITE of Love) and not Love. (Fear and Love cannot co-exist, they are opposits of each other, like how in the presence of light, darkness doesn't exist.) ANYWAYS... The decision to get the diet pills in the first place was a fear based decision because I was afraid of the plateau I had hit, and the potential of it causing me to gain a few pounds. My decision to express feelings of pain, longing, and hurt to this man were also out of fear. Fear of me seeing what was REALLY the issue. Along with, my choosing to withold Love from him and myself. Because at this point I was not allowing myself to be my truest nature, which is Love. I was denying myself the allowance to be what I was, thus causing pain and me projecting it onto someone else. I had denied Love the access to healing me on all levels... thus creating a vaccum effect and allowing fear and self-destruction to run rampat and me to drink myself into a stupor. Multiplying the guilt I had already felt for binging and purging on food and putting my body through the amphetemine high and detox. I was spent.
Today is 6 days post collapse. Finally, today I feel balanced and peaceful. So here I sit knowing in my being that there are no mistakes, every event was a stepping stone in bringing me to this moment. Because of what I've put myself through over the last few months, I've develped a closer and keener relationship with my body. I'm excited. Being this in-tune with my body will allow me to instinctively know what my body needs. I can then eat accordingly, and decipher caloric needs from emotional feeding. I'm drinking my Yogi tea (which I've not done because I was to AFRAID of putting anything more energizing into my body) Today, I chose Love. I gave myself permission to feel that which I truly am. I didn't deny myself the Love that will allow me to heal on all levels because of any feelings of guilt, unworthiness, or anger. Those feelings aren't real anyway. They are only an absence of Love, as darkness is an absence of Light. Therefore, just allowing myself to feel Love, all those other feelings dissipate. I forgave myself for hurting myself... for disrupting my energetic balance, for ingesting toxins into my physical body, and for being fallible, being human, because sometimes I like to deny that too.
I laid there in that dragon pose today and was introduced to my body. It was like FINALLY introducing yourself to that new face around the office for almost 6 months, knowing their name, what they do... but never actually MEETING them, never actually introducing yourself. There's like a timid awkwardness to that. Although it IS possible to communicate with that person, it's not through a direct means, and uses more time and energy than necessary. Today, we established a direct connection. Myself and my body. We met, and it was beautiful <3
Namaste'
Dottie
I'm so happy to be sitting here with my tea and preparing to blog. A very beautiful thing happened during yoga today. I found myself extremely angry when holding the poses, a few tears fell, and all I kept hearing in my head is I'm not feeling very flexible today. I was becoming angry at my body because I could go much farther into the pose just a week or so ago, angry because my mind wouldn't push me through it, and ready to just throw that fucking boppy support pillow acrooss the room. I was telling myself it's okay, sometimes things in yoga come up, but I kept getting more and more pissed. My teacher said to be the observer of any thoughts or emotions that arose... and so I did. I laid my head on the support pillow and asked myself what was really wrong. There was a shift within that moment. I felt a connection to my body open up like never before. I felt guilt because I had been ingesting poisen for 3 days. I thought of my relapse, the Sonic I ate the night before, the Thin Mints I ate and threw up before I drank. I had been very hurtful to my body, and felt guilt. It was like I had hurt my best friend. I apologized and I cried as I sat in my dragon pose.
Upon deeper reflection I discovered a few more things. I had begun to not trust my body. I allowed the impatience of my ego to talk me into taking an amphetemine appetite suppressant (although I had lost almost 50 lbs on my own over the last year simply through diet changes, excercise, yoga, hypnotherapy, and acupuncture) I took the pills knowing all to well what it would do to my body... speed up my heartrate, decrease my sleep, potentially (and likely) to increase my anxiety, deplete my body of potassium because of the potent diuretic that goes along with taking the amphetemine to counter-act the tendencies to raise the HR and BP. Coming from someone who DESPISES taking any kind of pill, this was more than counter-productive. It was a direct blow at my integrity and core beliefs that I have embraced over several years. I justified my actions by telling a couple people I KNEW would tell me it was okay, and keep myself working out and making good food choices. If I continued to do all THAT, then I was only using it as a tool right?! (Please note the sarcasm) Three days before my relapse, I got out of bed and passed out smashing my head on the metal clothes hamper and causing me to go to the hospital... what was the culprit? Severe dehydration.... the cause of the dehydration? The pills I was taking to suppress my appetite. FUCK. I was ashamed, embarrased. I felt hypocritical and unworthy of the love and concern of those who cared about me. Especially when both of them sitting next to me in the ER were shocked and angry.
Since deciding to no longer take the pills, I've spent the last several days sleeping. My body needed rest to re-balance itself out. It was artifical energized for about 5 weeks, and now it was tired. More fully realizing the distress I caused on my body, and energy filled I was filled with anger and sadness. I spent all day Sunday (2 days post collapse) crying and sleeping, by midnight Sun/Mon I was drinking. AFTER I spent a couple hours yelling at the man I'm in love with about how much it hurts that he doesn't love me back (which is TOTAL BS, lol PLEASE see previous blog about Falling in Love With What Is for further clarification on that one!) :)
Love is the only thing that is real and what heals. Love is all there is. God is Love. (With all the being said, and not to go into my whole schpeel on Love) ... I realized on the way home how many of my actions, leading up to this very moment where based upon fear (the OPPOSITE of Love) and not Love. (Fear and Love cannot co-exist, they are opposits of each other, like how in the presence of light, darkness doesn't exist.) ANYWAYS... The decision to get the diet pills in the first place was a fear based decision because I was afraid of the plateau I had hit, and the potential of it causing me to gain a few pounds. My decision to express feelings of pain, longing, and hurt to this man were also out of fear. Fear of me seeing what was REALLY the issue. Along with, my choosing to withold Love from him and myself. Because at this point I was not allowing myself to be my truest nature, which is Love. I was denying myself the allowance to be what I was, thus causing pain and me projecting it onto someone else. I had denied Love the access to healing me on all levels... thus creating a vaccum effect and allowing fear and self-destruction to run rampat and me to drink myself into a stupor. Multiplying the guilt I had already felt for binging and purging on food and putting my body through the amphetemine high and detox. I was spent.
Today is 6 days post collapse. Finally, today I feel balanced and peaceful. So here I sit knowing in my being that there are no mistakes, every event was a stepping stone in bringing me to this moment. Because of what I've put myself through over the last few months, I've develped a closer and keener relationship with my body. I'm excited. Being this in-tune with my body will allow me to instinctively know what my body needs. I can then eat accordingly, and decipher caloric needs from emotional feeding. I'm drinking my Yogi tea (which I've not done because I was to AFRAID of putting anything more energizing into my body) Today, I chose Love. I gave myself permission to feel that which I truly am. I didn't deny myself the Love that will allow me to heal on all levels because of any feelings of guilt, unworthiness, or anger. Those feelings aren't real anyway. They are only an absence of Love, as darkness is an absence of Light. Therefore, just allowing myself to feel Love, all those other feelings dissipate. I forgave myself for hurting myself... for disrupting my energetic balance, for ingesting toxins into my physical body, and for being fallible, being human, because sometimes I like to deny that too.
I laid there in that dragon pose today and was introduced to my body. It was like FINALLY introducing yourself to that new face around the office for almost 6 months, knowing their name, what they do... but never actually MEETING them, never actually introducing yourself. There's like a timid awkwardness to that. Although it IS possible to communicate with that person, it's not through a direct means, and uses more time and energy than necessary. Today, we established a direct connection. Myself and my body. We met, and it was beautiful <3
Namaste'
Dottie
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Reflecting Upon Relapse
The truth of what is, will always come forth. It is our resistance of that, which causes the feeling of internal struggle.
How do I feel? Seems to be the question everyone is asking. I feel like I did BEFORE my relapse. Calm, centered, loved, blessed, joyful, grateful... the list goes on. My goals are to remain open and receptive to truth and Love in whichever way it is coming to me. Often in ways I didn't expect it too. In doing so I also open myself to opinions, projections, and perceptions of others. It's like wanting a quarter from each state and 30 people giving me every quarter they have in their pocket. Well, I don't need all of them, I then go through and keep the ones I need, and give the other's away... because those just might be THE quarter that someone else was looking for. I was told last night I need to feel things. I need to feel my dissapointment form my relapse. What if there is no dissappointmen? Yet, we WILL find what we are looking for, so if I spend my time and energy attempting to feel disspointment that may or may not be there.. I will find it... even if it's not associated with my relapse, I could say it is. Denial? No. Not denial. Just total acceptance of a choice I made. I would not tell my best friend to FEEL that pain 2 days after the act. I would say, it's okay... make a different choice today if you'd like. Therefore, that's what I'm telling myself. I have not "lost" anything. I am still a being of Light. Every decision I have ever made has brought me here, to this moment. I am grateful for all that is.
Namaste'
Dottie
How do I feel? Seems to be the question everyone is asking. I feel like I did BEFORE my relapse. Calm, centered, loved, blessed, joyful, grateful... the list goes on. My goals are to remain open and receptive to truth and Love in whichever way it is coming to me. Often in ways I didn't expect it too. In doing so I also open myself to opinions, projections, and perceptions of others. It's like wanting a quarter from each state and 30 people giving me every quarter they have in their pocket. Well, I don't need all of them, I then go through and keep the ones I need, and give the other's away... because those just might be THE quarter that someone else was looking for. I was told last night I need to feel things. I need to feel my dissapointment form my relapse. What if there is no dissappointmen? Yet, we WILL find what we are looking for, so if I spend my time and energy attempting to feel disspointment that may or may not be there.. I will find it... even if it's not associated with my relapse, I could say it is. Denial? No. Not denial. Just total acceptance of a choice I made. I would not tell my best friend to FEEL that pain 2 days after the act. I would say, it's okay... make a different choice today if you'd like. Therefore, that's what I'm telling myself. I have not "lost" anything. I am still a being of Light. Every decision I have ever made has brought me here, to this moment. I am grateful for all that is.
Namaste'
Dottie
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